Best Television Shows

FINALE!!! This is it. First up, we are reminded that these ladies THOUGHT they were going on a reality show called “The Good Life.” Instead they were sent to the Beverly Center, went on a fake shopping spree, had their credit cards declined and then found out that they were actually Cut Off from their enablers “benefactors.”

Hey! I thought I was gonna be on “The Good Wife!”

The final day in the Middle Class Ranch House begins with them all doing their chores and getting ready and pretending to happen to be shooting the breeze about not being able to believe they have come this far.

We have learned so little! Wow!

Pam is spraying down the kitchen counter. Erica and Jackie do yard work. Erica gets on Gia’s case about her not doing her toilet cleaning chores. As much as Gia tries to get along with Erica, Erica is just too stupid. Erica says “Ok Gia,” to shut her up. And then Gia imitates her in a deep voice: “Ok Gia.” The bold face indicates that her voice was deep.

You ain’t nothin but a hound dog k?

This brings attention to the fact that Erica does always talk in a fake high-pitched voice. She IS extremely fake. I hate to make such an obvious comparison, but Erica really is like a low-rent Paris Hilton. And Paris Hilton is already low rent.

She’s, like, the Motel 8 version.

Jessica tells us that she is making it her business to stay out of fights today, because she wants to graduate and not get thrown out by LCL. However, I think she is physically incapable of not exploding into temper tantrums all the time. She needs to take a chill pill. Literally. Like Xanax or something. A note arrives, along with some decorations. They will be throwing a graduation party today for themselves and their enablers. VIP Courtnee gets to go to the store with three other girls and five hundred dollars to buy party goods. The other girls will stay home and decorate.

Amber, Jess, Jackie and Courtnee go to the G-store, while everyone else stays home to blow balloons and hang streamers. Leanne and Erica put their blowing skillz to good use on the balloons.

Don’t suck. Blow. I know, it’s confusing after you’ve learned one way.

I would call this beauty sleep, but that’s not really working. So maybe just sleep.

Suddenly some drama starts that Pam is still asleep and lazily sleeping in. It’s bizarre, because she was apparently up earlier, scrubbing down the kitchen counter. So not sure when the whole “Pam is sleeping in” drama was added to the plot. Some story producer over at VH1 probably got fired over this GLARING error. Pam says that she is tired of cleaning up after everyone. So she is going to sleep in and let everyone else do all the chores.

I am kind of on Team Pam here, honestly. She really has gotten the shaft on this show. She pretty much always went along with everything, good-sportedly. Did all her chores, all the challenges and assignments. She really didn’t fight with anyone or cause much drama. Yet she never won VIP, never got much air time. And we never did get to the bottom of the mystery about what exactly it is she does on Wall Street. I’d be pissed too if I was her. I don’t blame her for sleeping in and letting these other scrubs do all the work.
Leanne comes along and tells her to wake up and use her blowing skillz on the balloons. Pam refuses. Here is the thing about Leanne. I actually think she could be really pretty if she’d do something about those heinous hair extensions. I really, truly do NOT understand what these “rich” girls are spending their money on. Wtf?? If they are so rich, why do they all look so trashy??

She looks like she’s wearing a Davey Crockett hat.

Anyway, Courtnee, Pam, Jackie, and Jess go to the grocery store. They want to COOK for their families and put in time and effort, not just buy a veggie tray. Hey, that’s what I always personally bring to parties, but WHATEVER. They buy two nice bottles of champagne for their families and some cheap stuff for them. Jess will make the Chicken Parm.

Botulism is so easy to make. Trust me.

In the kitchen meanwhile, Leanne, Gia and Erica chill. Gia talks about what a good experience this has been for her, and how she is definitely going to clean up after her daughter from now on.

And maybe wear some looser shirts.

Leanne says it’s sad that on the last day …. Erica says in her deep voice “that we have to clean” and Leann is like – “No, that we finally get along.” “Oh, I know,” Erica.

Grocery store girls come back and ooooo and ahhhhh about the beautiful tacky, paper decorations.

Where’s the microwave?

Gia is excited to cook cake and that all the girls trust her. Jess gets to work on the Chicken Parm. Gia also learns that you have to turn the oven ON before you put any food into it.

Don’t mess with these women.

They all marvel about how great it is that they are all working together and how this NEVER would have happened in week one. Except Pam. So then some more Drama is contrived whereby Jess storms back into the bedroom where Pam is doing her hair and Jess completely unravels, screeching that Pam seriously better get off her ass and help people.

I am helping people. By not leaving this room until I’m presentable. You think America wants to see this side of me?

Pam tells the camera “Hello, I’ve been cleaning up for two months.” She seriously sounds like she’s reading lines from a script each time she gets in the pink box and tells us what’s up. And like she’s reading them BADLY.

Soo…. Jess decides to exact revenge on Pam by messing up her bed. Ok. Very profound, especially considering this is their last day in the house and won’t be sleeping in the beds that night. Jess is seriously a rage-aholic. She needs help.

Pam says she can’t believe Jess is still freaking out so much. “She went from like, a mad Chihuahua to like a Nasty Troll.” Pam half-heartedly messes up Jessica’s bed in return.

Let’s talk about the war in Afghanistan.

Life Coach Laura holds a summit and tells them that they have one more project: write a letter to their enablers explaining what they have learned and what they will change when they go back home.

One by one, all the girls’ parents meet with LCL to discuss their progress and issues. Leanne’s parents say that they can’t say no to her.

Or she’ll murder us in our sleep.

Amber makes up a bunch of bullshit for her letter.

I is skinie and hapee and me want ur $ k?

LCL tells Courtnee’s parents that Courtnee wants permission to pursue her dreams. Courtnee just doesn’t know how to cut the umbilical cord on her own, and LCL encourages her parents to keep Court cut off. Sounds like a scary prospect to her parents.

Well, she could have said to just have your kid killed, so consider yourself lucky.

LCL tells Jackie’s mom that Jackie needs to learn the struggles of an artist, if she wants to be an artist.

Well, the biggest struggle is gonna be the whole creating art part. I’ll buy her fingerpaints.

Jessica’s mom says that she has contributed nothing to Jessica’s entitled mindset.

Except buckets of money for doing nothing.

Gia has a hard time writing her letter because even though she does want to apologize and ask for forgiveness, she has a lot of hurt still that her husband sent her away like that. Seriously. I understand getting cut off from your parents… but it’s really kind of a different situation when it’s your husband.

How do you spell “never sleeping with you again. You can explain this to your penis.”

LCL gives Gia’s husband a laundry list of all the things that Gia should be doing for him in the future. Uhmmm…. I really think this calls for marriage counseling, NOT Life Coach/Cut Off intervention.

Your wife is insufferable. Let’s deal with that. But first let’s deal with your hair gel and your fake tan. It’s probably making her the way she is.

Pam’s Mom, Dad and Brother meet and say that they give Pam so much help. Her bro says that she never does what she doesn’t want to do. LCL says they need to set restrictions. Amber needs to focus on a specific passion besides passion.

Your daughter’s a slut. Thanks for stopping by.

In comes Erica’s plastic looking Mom, saying that Erica is not superficial at all. She gets defensive and asks LCL if she wants Erica not to even clean her hair. LCL is like “wtf?” Her mom continues that everyone needs to be a full circle with no lapse so that they can radiate the way they are supposed to for the universe.

What your daughter is radiating is the problem, dumbass. It’s giving people cancer.

So yeah. I think we’ve learned a lot about why these crazy girls all are the way they are. Graduation ceremony time.

You know it’s an important event if it’s held in the driveway.

Erica tells us that her mom is the hottest mom there. Well now, that’s really not saying much, is it Erica?Jessica meets her mom in the center of the ring first. The most shocking part about her letter was when she said her mom deserved angel wings for dealing with her for twenty-three years. TWENTY THREE?? What?? What was her mom doing the other ten years of Jessica’s life?? Or is Jessica seriously trying to tell us that she is only 23?? Wtf?

Dear Mom, you should have taught me to stay out of the sun. I hate you. Love.

Now Jess’s mom lays down the terms Jess has to adhere to if she wants to move back home. She better get a job in two months. She will do her own laundry. Her mom will ONLY pay for her essentials. Not for psychics. (LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn, I LOVE going to a psychic.) And she won’t pay for tanning either. Jessica says that is totally overboard. Her mom says – you can pay for your own tanning when you get a job. Jess is like – tanning will HELP me get a job. Her mom sticks to her guns and cuts off her tanning.

It boils down to Jess has to decide whether or not she will accept each and every one of these terms. Well, what the hell?? What is she going to say? No?? What choice does she have?? What’s in it for her Mom if Jess returns home? It’s pretty much a lose-lose situation on her Mom’s part. So awkward. Obviously Jessica accepts the terms, and they literally shake hands and call it a business deal. Jessica tells her mom not to shake her arm fat.

Correction: pasty arm fat.

Courtnee joins her parents in the ring and says how blessed she is to have them as parents. She is given terms by her parents too.

She’s so lifting her dad’s wallet right now.

She has to determine where she wants to live within one mont of returning home: New York, Los Angeles or Atlanta. She has to start paying her phone bills and all her other bills. Aw, they all love each other. Courtnee accepts the terms.

Why? Don’t ask us. We haven’t come up with anything yet.

Next up: Leanne and parents. She realizes how hard they work and now it’s her turn to give back. She is going to cut back on her shopping sprees. She will do her own laundry and keep her room clean. So, how exactly is this giving back?? She is CUTTING DOWN on her shopping sprees? See, I think that is still considered TAKING. If she took her parents on a shopping spree and bought them some crap, THAT would be giving back. Keeping her room clean is giving back??? I assume she is still living there rent free. So paying rent would be giving back. And doing her own laundry?? Wtf? Whose detergent and machines is she going to use? Who bought the clothes? Not sure how doing her own laundry and cleaning her room qualifies as doing her parents any favors.

Her parents give her the terms of her probation. She needs to go back to school and graduate her nursing program. And she has to get rid of all her credits cards but one. Her spending limit is now $500 a month. She accepts the terms of her probation.

Amber tells her parents a bunch of crap. Her parents’ conditions are that she has one year to move out…. and they will always be there to support her. That’s about it. Nice. Obviously Amber accepts the terms.

Pam reads a letter to her family, saying she should have been more trusting and appreciative of what she had. Uhh… her dad says that she is still cut off. Does she accept the terms? Well she has to.

Erica has learned how to budget and cook and do chores. She has learned how to mow the lawn, so her mom can fire Cesar their groundskeeper. Rude. How do you think Cesar feels about that? Her mom gives a soliloquy about roses and roots. Her conditions to return home are to put away her dishes and shoes and clothes. Wow!! Those were the conditions for me to live at home too… WHEN I WAS TEN. Erica accepts the terms and her mom proceeds to tell her that she loves Erica’s brother more than Erica.

I guess forty seven isn’t too young to move out after all.

Jackie steps up to the plate and sheds a tear about how changed she is and that every day for the rest of her life, she will thank God for such an amazing family. Jackie’s new ground rules are that it’s time for her to move out. She will have to pay rent, utilities, and her phone bills. Jack accepts the terms, saying she thinks it’s time.

You know that paper is blank.

Gia and her husband now face off. It was hard for Gia to be here, but she has learned and realized all the things she needed to grow. She will try to spend more time with him if he vows to have sex with her more often. Wtf? Ew! The new rules for Gia are that she has to take care of the baby and the house, make her bed, etc.

That baby is gonna grow up speaking gibberish.

And the worst part is when he said “I told you, I put the rules, and you’re going to follow it, you know?” Uhmmm…. hell no, I do NOT know. If some guy EVER said that to me, I would at minimum dump him faster than anyone humanly thought possible, and at maximum, maybe kill him.

Where are you gonna put the rules, big guy?

Maybe that is why I am thirty [plus one] and still single?? I really don’t care. I would rather die alone and my mummified remains, along with the mummified remains of all my pets not be found until three generations later, than have a husband who laid down the law on me. No one puts Baby JulieJulie in a corner.

Well Gia has no choice I guess, since she has no life skills, didn’t learn any lessons and can’t take care of herself in this life. Plus she has a baby with this dude, so she is forced to accept these conditions if she wants to return home. In the end, she didn’t seem too torn up about it, telling her husband “I was so horny here without you all this time.”

So weird. I really think your husband cutting you off is totally inappropriate and not at ALL the same thing as your parents kicking you out. Your husband is SUPPOSED to work together with you to build a life, household, etc. So if a bitch isn’t holding up her end of the bargain, then I think you guys should go to couples counseling… NOT cut her off. Freeloading off your parents totally calls for being cut off… but this Gia’s husband thing was just totally weird. Then again, so is Gia.

Life Coach Laura gets all chocked up as she asks the girls to commit to strive to become the independent, strong and beautiful that she knows they can be.

Laura’s face? Still not moving.

Inside the bitches party and we are treated to updates as to how being cut off took.

Basically, they are all still leeches.

So my question is: what’s the update on Life Coach Laura?? I think VH1 needs to cut HER off since obviously none of these bitches changed AT ALL.
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