Best Television Shows

• Arnold Klein admitted on Larry King Live that he once donated sperm, and said that Michael Jackson “loved those kids…and that’s the most important grouping.” He added, “The fact that I am very obviously their father is just splitting hairs.”
• Kate Winslet announced she is officially retiring her boobs. From now on, seeing her naked will require one additional billionth of a second on the internet.
• If you’ve been following the Lenny Dykstra financial saga, you’ll be interested to know that Lenny filed for (f***ing) bankruptcy. This whole situation is like a funnier Bernie Madoff deal, only less tragic and with constant, mumbled F-words.
• I know the situation isn’t funny, but Eighth-Grade Me just couldn’t help but chuckle at this headline.
• If you’re a band in the New York area, the Silver Sound is holding a Music Video Film Festival and Band Battle in August, and is currently accepting submissions. Why should you do it? 1) There’s prizes, and 2) I will be emceeing the band battle, and I guarantee your band will never sound better than after 5 minutes of my painful, interstitial comedy. It’s like following the Beastie Boys, in reverse.

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