Trailer Trash: Too Fat for Fifteen
July 28th, 2010
I’ve got news for you. You’re too fat for thirty, too.
I haven’t done a Trailer Trash in awhile, but when I got this one in my inbox I had to bite. It’s about fat kids going to fat camp, and I can relate. When I was 15, I was fat. And….yeah I still am. Wah poor me omg fat is a disability wahwahwahhhhh. Where’s my soft music? Where’s my loving voiceover? Where’s my goddamn TV show? Personally, I think that when like 80% of the country is fat, that should be the norm. Let’s all start making fun of skinny people. Fair is fair! Point is, welcome to Too Fat for Fifteen!
“In the fight to change their lives….”
Hey! That’s not a hot dog, kid! Move away from the gym equipment!
“There is nothing too difficult…”
Standing is hard. I’m so gonna cry right now. I must persevere! Right after I sit down for a second. Then I will stand some more. Lean?
“…too scary,…”
Aaaagh! That punching bag gave me heartburn!
“…or too big to overcome.” I would be so pissed if I was this girl and they put me behind the “too big” caption. That’s just rude.
Hey! Who ate Precious?!?
This chunky kid comes on screen as hippie guitar music jangles and tells us “being here makes you wanna do somethin!” Yeah, being at fat camp can really inspire a person to run.
I said I wanted to do something, not that I am gonna do something. Stop nagging me. I’m outdoors and I’m not crying isn’t that ENOUGH?!?! Baby steps, mothafucka!
The girl who ate Precious smiles big at the camera and tells us that she lost nineteen inches in four weeks. Holy shit. That’s pretty amazing. It’s probably just water weight. Or, er, like, Dr. Pepper weight or whatever.
Fat camp is an absolute whore. I went three times and came back proudly fatter each time. I hope these kids do better than I did, if only so we can watch the sequel, where they gain it all back during cry binge sessions in front of Law and Order marathons. That’s the best part of the diet circle process! When is there gonna be a show about that part? Hey Jillian, why don’t you come visit me and my family? So we can tear you limb from limb and eat you with a side of ranch.
America is totally fat, you guys. Michelle Obama told me. We have to do something about it!! We could stop eating, but that would be horrible and we would probably die. We could exercise, but yuck ew I love my knees too much for that. I have an idea! Let’s gather around the TV and eat and not exercise while we watch fat brats on TV suffer? YAAAAAYYYY!! Join me, won’t you?
Too Fat for Fifteen Premieres Monday, Aug 9 at 7c on the Style Network.
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