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The Three Most Famous American Virgins in the World, The Jonas Brothers, buffed their bulges to a high gloss for the latest cover of Rolling Stone magazine, where the threesome tried their damn best to look like the Sex Gods they will never be. And to prove this theory, I’d like to point out that my own Grandmother actually owns the leather hat featured on the middle Jonas, a hat which my brother and I used to refer to as her Tito Jackson look.

On second thought, Tito Jay-Jay got tons of ass. So maybe I’m wrong about this… Also, have they been working on the railroads all the livelong day? Why are they so dirty looking?

And in a related story: Papahs! Getcha papahs here!

Ahead, an outtake featuring Miley Cyrus‘ new squeeze, Nick Jonas, drenched in Vicks Vaporub…

HE IS ONLY A BOY!

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