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This weekend, America re-embraced legendary director Quentin Tarantino with open arms and pockets, as his latest cinematic release Inglourious Basterds (working title Sic F*ck) came in as the #1 Movie in America (and in many other countries worldwide.)

BWE.tv sat through this 2 and a half hour reimagined historical fiction where Jews hunted and killed Nazis, and can say that the entire movie is sort of like an evening of sexual relations: 2 hours of foreplay, sometimes exciting, sometimes drawn out and even unnecessary, and finished off with a gigantic, explosive climax. To add to this intercoursical (notaword) metaphor, Tarantino — known usually as the man who casts beautiful, strong women in his films — turned the gender tables a bit, casting a slew of drop dead gorgeous European actors, mostly unknown in America, to play the various strong-jawed parts in the film. In this way, Inglourious Basterds is a revelation of just how deprived American female audiences have been all these years.

And so, we bring you The 10 Hottest Men in Inglourious Basterds. And yes, we’re serious about the rankings this time.

10. Brad Pitt. Most of you might be surprised. “Brad Pitt? The 10th hottest?” Yes. Brad Pitt was probably the weakest link in the entire movie. His part was minimal, his accent stilted, and his mustache — although hypnotizing as he snapped his gum throughout — was overall unbecoming. But, given that this is Brad Pitt we’re talking about, he earns an automatic spot on the list. If you haven’t seen the movie, and can’t imagine 10 other men being hotter than Brad Pitt, be sure to read this entire list.

9. Michael Fassbender, aka “Kevin Kline”. If Christopher Nolan ever made a movie about Kevin Kline’s making of the movie Dave, Michael Fassbender would basically be a shoe-in to play Kevin Kline Part III. His resemblance to Kline is striking, yet Fassbender remains slightly more sexually offender looking, which in the movies is a good thing.

8. Samuel L. Jackson. A staple in all Tarantino movies, Jackson has what amounts to barely a cameo in Inglourious Basterds. Still, he’s a hot motherf**ker.

7. Ken Duken. Look, we don’t even remember who Ken Duken played in the movie. But the fact remains: He’s German, he was probably a Nazi, and he’s pretty damn hot. Even when he looks like he just got the sh*t kicked out of him by the cast of Cool Runnings.

6. Denis Menochet. There’s nothing we like more in this world than a giant, meaty, droopy, big-nosed, cow-milking French face. Denis Menochet possesses all of these very qualities. Plus, he can cry on command. Because he’s French! And that’s how they be raised.

5. Christoph Waltz. If you were one of the many people who saw Inglourious Basterds this weekend, you might be susprised by Christoph’s inclusion on this list. After all, there’s nothing like a giant brown smile covered in flaky crust and cream that makes me push my plate of strudel away and claim that I “just ate.” But consider this: Without Christoph, this movie would have been unbearable. This actor, previously unknown to most Americans, basically stole the Tarantino show. And there’s nothing more we respect and appreciate here at BWE.tv then a heaping second helping of freshly baked talent. Plus, he’s got kind of a smarmy newscaster thing happening, and we think we mean that in a good way.

4. Eli Roth. Look, the guy’s D is 2 feet long, and his character’s name is “The Bear Jew.” What else do you want from this guy? A bigger part in the film, you say? Agreed. (And no, we’re pretty sure this isn’t Seth Green.)

3. Jacky Ido. As the manly and supportive boyfriend of the local cinema owner in the movie’s French setting, Jacky was one of the few men in Inglourious Basterds who didn’t need a gun to prove what a big man he is. Rather, just some cigarettes. And a killer French accent.

2. Til Schweiger. Oh Til. The things we would do to Til. Despite this German actor’s Eckhartian chin and Van-Damme-ian German-face, Tarantino cast him as Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz, the baddest ass Jew to ever be on the stage or screen. Ladies, if you still need a reason to see this movie, that reason is Til Schweiger, trust. Tarantino was even kind enough to throw in some superfluous back whipping, sans shirt, just to drive the point home: Til Schweiger will be the best thing Germany has ever given America (following Pfeffernüsse, the German Christmastime ginger cookie. Actually, upon further investigation, eating Pfeffernüsse with Til Schweiger on Christmas is how I would like to die.)

1. Gedeon Burkhard . Gedeon Burkhard is the Terminator of Inglourious Basterds. Sure, he wasn’t given too many speaking lines, but thankfully Tarantino realized it would be best to include him in most of the pivotal scenes. But what makes Gedeon the #1 Hottest Man in Inglourious Basterds? The discovery of the following picture via Google Images of course:

How could he not be?

Feel free to discuss your feelings about Inglourious Basterds in the comments.

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