Best Television Shows

Problem solved! Sesame Street doesn’t have to scrap their racy footage of Katy Perry and her controversial cleavage after all – they can just digitally insert a Cami-Secret cleavage coverer into the video and viola! No more aroused children.

Everyone can enjoy this, right?

(Thanks for preventing these childhood sexual awakenings Pete “Fastbieber” Schultz)

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Max Weinberg is officially leaving Conan. He was with Coco for over 17 years, and now they’re breaking up. According to Max and Conan it was a mutual breakup, but it makes me sad. I loved Max with Conan. They were so sweet together. I wonder if it was just time to move on, or if something happened? It seemed like such a good gig for Max…I mean, he can’t be on the road forever!

Conan said, “Max has been a huge part of my life for the past 17 years and he is an incredible band leader and musician…I hope he can find time to stop by the show, sit in with the band and pretend to find my monologue funny.”

The bright side is that Max can now have more time to tour with Bruce.

Conan’s new bandleader is guitarist Jimmy Vivino, who was part of the Max Weinberg 7. I’ll just call him “the replacement” for now, it’s just too soon.

I’ll miss the Conan/Max bromance:

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Hi friends. Well, here we are once again, back together as only the ‘Gasmii can be, ready to reminisce about all the fun and interesting things that happened in this lovely season of Top Chef where the challenges were imaginative and exciting, the competition was close, talent reigned supreme and most importantly, the best chef won…

I know, right? welcome back to the awful reality

Ok, so that’s what I would have written, if any of that stuff had actually happened. Instead, we got petty bitchy drama, lazy and lame challenges, and missing peas…

and you, madam, have a lot to answer for

Well, let’s kick it off and kick some ass. Miss Andy starts by introducing the judges to everybody…

and we can immediately tell (based on the billowy blouse) that Scar’s desperately holding it in, while Le Rippert clearly isn’t bothering

Then the Bobblehead introduces the cheftestants, most of whom have gotten a makeover, except for BeakerDreads John…

who at least busted out his formal doo-rag for this special occasion

Klassy. And even klassier, Miss Andy says they’re not going to reveal Fan Favorite tonight, because that way he can reveal it during (and give a shameless plug for) his own show on the following night, Watch Me Ass-Kiss Live. I won’t make you guys wait that long, but I’m not telling until the end of the recap, K? And if you click over to the last page to find out right now, I will know and I will be very upset and there won’t be any kitty pictures. I mean it.

So let’s get my least favorite part of the show over, Miss Andy insists on congratulating the “winner” of Season Seven, Kevin Sbraga, a.k.a. JerseyMoobs…

who wouldn’t look so smug if he heard us adding “by default” to that quote

Bobblehead wants to know exactly how surprised JerseyMoobs was when Scar called his name last week. OMG, you guys, he was VERY surprised because he knew that it was really all Li’l Volt’s doing wasn’t sure she really said he won! He mentions how confident he felt, but also brings up how he had felt confident before and wound up in the bottom almost going home. Five separate times. More than a third of the season. But yeah, he was confident…

Miss Tamesha is confident she’d like to put her foot in his ass

Miss Andy moves on to trying to poke OranJello, insisting that he must have been surprised that BitchTits won, right? Sorry, Andy, The Citrus One isn’t really a dickbag, as much as your editors tried to make him one. He says Moobsie cooked a better meal that day, he did a great job and he gives him props…

sorry haters, he’s not falling for an easy gambit like that

Being denied his drama fix, Andy asks Daddy Tom what it really came down to, and naturally Daddy says it was always about the food, and they just felt that JerseyMoobs’ dishes were better. Miss Andy brings up the “conspiracy theorists” who say that having Li’l Volt for a sous chef had to have helped push him over the edge to the win. I prefer to think of us as “truth acknowledgers” rather than “conspiracy theorists”…

and I suspect MassholEd is one of us as well

Anyhow, JerseyMoobs says a bunch of stuff about how happy he was to see Li’l Volt there, and how they had an instant connection, and blah blah blah, but he doesn’t really address the issue, so Miss Andy states it in plainer, simpler language that Moobs can understand: “Do you think you could have won without him?” Finally backed into a corner, Moobsie says he could have won with Li’l Volt or Dung, because he’s “worked with” both of them before.

OK, two things: I’m with commenter vallegirl, who cleverly theorized that most likely JerseyMoobs was nobbut a line cook when he “worked with” Li’l Volt and Dung, who were most likely in much higher stations, such as Executive and Sous Chef… and secondly, what he just said pretty much confirms to me that he’s admitting he could not have won on his own merit. A real Top Chef would have said it didn’t really matter who his sous chef was.

Of course, this leaves a convenient out for MassholEd, and Bobblehead wants to know next if he was disappointed he got stuck with Illyawn. After hemming and hawing for a moment, MassholEd admits it, yes, he was disappointed, and cue the first montage of the two of them bickering like an old gay couple. Afterwards, Andy wants to know if he thought Illyawn hurt his chances of winning. MassholEd says no, and Gail Simmons breaks in with “Let’s be clear, Ilan Hall can cook! I mean, we’re all like bagging on him, here, but he also won, too, lest we forget!” She’s right, but it’s fun to bag on Illyawn, and although I won’t stop, I will acknowledge that yes, he did win Season Two, and more importantly, prevented Turkeyhair from becoming an even bigger douchebag.

In any case, just when we were feeling awake and alert again, it’s time to show JerseyMoobs’ wack-ass journey to becoming Top Chef. It is filled with all of his really professional behavior, such as his tantrums, his screaming and yelling and swearing, his throwing shit around, his being a dick to OranJello (who kindly calls him “the Salvador Dali of presentations” which certainly is nicer than the artist I would have chosen, which would have been Jackson Pollock). I’m sorry, but this guy just comes off like a less-talented yet lucky asshole…

and I do not feel the least bit sorry for him that he is being scared by Big-Haired Andrea’s mane

With any other Top Chef they have always had a collection of several wins to put into this montage, but since JerseyMoobs only won one Elimination Challenge, that’s all they can show. Plus, of course, him praying on camera and telling us all that he wants to win in order to “take care” of his family. Normally I would have thought his having an Executive Chef position would have been plenty to keep his wife and 2 kids housed, fed and clothed, but then again, he does come from Jersey…

and he’s gonna need a lot of extra cash to keep up with this level of tacky

Dressing your baby like a shower loofah is not cute, it’s just sad (even if it is convenient when they make a poopie). Anyways, Bobblehead wants to know what JerseyMoobs is gonna do with the money (assuming he hasn’t had to give 4/5ths of it back due to his being a big blabbermouth and allegedly leaking that he won) and he says he wants to open his own restaurant (I’ve read he wants it to be “very high-end”) and buy a bigger house (zzzzzzz). I dunno that he can do both, $25,000 doesn’t go as far as it used to. Maybe he can borrow some cash from OranJello.

Speaking of which, Miss Andy decides to take another stab at The Citrus One, saying with his extensive experience in Asian cooking, and the finale being in Asia, he must have thought he was going to win, so what happened? Well, duh, Andy, I guess you had your head shoved so far up Teresa Jew-Dice’s twat that you didn’t see the actual show? He got sick! But The Citrus One doesn’t even bring that up, he just repeats that Moobsie did a better job, he cooked his heart out that day and OranJello respects him for that. Then Andy brings up his being ill and asks “how heartbroken” he was that he lost. All OranJello says is that if he had written the story, he never would have had it turn out the way that it did, and takes time out to thank Dung for helping him and fighting so hard for him…

sorry, but this guy just plain rocks (even in a fugly shirt)

He must have gone shopping with Gail at some point. In any case, it’s time to address the giant elephantic Alpha-Dawg in the room… KennEgo. Bobblehead brings up how he made one of the judges favorite meals and then got bumped off during Restaurant Wars, and wants to know how much of a shock that was. Well, Andy, it was a huge shock, and KennEgo makes sure to say how impressed he was with EVOO’s dishes in that challenge, mentioning how ChesTiffany, MassholEd and OranJello really “put their heart and soul into the food” and he says it just didn’t go his way. They cut to Nosferatu, who looks completely unfazed that he wasn’t mentioned, because, well, he outlasted KennEgo…

a fact which still chaps his not-inconsiderable ass to this day

I think this was also KennEgo’s passive-aggressive way of repeating his bullshit assertion that EVOO should not have won Restaurant Wars because Nosferatu didn’t physically cook his own dish. *sniff-sniff* Yup, that’s still bullshit. Miss Andy asks the Judges if they were surprised, and Daddy Tom just says it can happen to anybody, I’m just glad it happened to KennEgo.

Time for a scintillating viewer question! Lauren LotToLove from Providence, RI wants to know why Daddy Tom seems to be getting grumpier with each season. Poor Lauren, if she were a TVGasm reader she’d know the answer to that question already: S-S-S. Color me shocked when Daddy actually admits he was grumpy because the food in the early part of the season “didn’t measure up”. He says the payoff for taking off from your family for a month to shoot this show is supposed to be good food, and when that payoff doesn’t come, you get pissed. Amen.

Another hard-hitting question! Susan Slutoya from Manhattan wants to know how Erique Le Rippert got sooooo good looking…

um, ok

Thanks, Susan, you just busted the Lame Question Cherry™ of this reunion. To be fair, Erique sez hee haz heer zees commaiynt zumtimez, an hee do nod understan eet, ezpayzhallee whayn eet doze no hailp yoo een zee keetchayn. Much to Season Five Top Chef Hoser’s relief.

BobbleHead moves on to ChesTiffany and brings up how close she came to going to Singapore, but it seemed like all the food was really good in that space challenge and the judges had to be really nitpicky about stuff…

trust, Andy, she remembers

He wants to know how painful that was for her. She should have grabbed one of his balls and twisted it several times to demonstrate, but instead she just says she was very emotional, but that she learned from her mistakes and is grateful to have had the chance to compete on the show. Then BobbleHead brings up the fact that she got married to her fiancé (Tiff does a cute little Color Purple riff, saying “I’s married now!” while waving her newly beringed hand around) and GayNold was actually there to take video of it…

which he does with all the artistry and finesse of a Girls Gone Wild DVD

KIDDING! It was more like an Xtube video. Anyhow, ChesTiffany says she and the new hubby are going to take the prize trip to Paris sometime next year. This is a perfect segue into talking about her boyfriend in the house, MassholEd…

who just sits there, oozing his own special brand of double-chinned hotness

Three words, Ed: grow a goatee. Anyhow, this is their chance to show the montage of the two of them flirting it up all over the place in the Bilious Brownstone, the kitchen, Judges’ Table, culminating in this steamy exchange in the Stew Room…

ew, try someone else

Everyone’s giggling, and MassholEd’s mumbling that his girlfriend’s not gonna be happy about that little situation. Gee, I guess someone forgot to explain to him that when you see a little red light on the front of the camera, it’s recording. Daddy Tom laughs that she’s gonna be his ex-girlfriend. Ha ha. Miss Andy looks supremely satisfied that she’s finally made someone uncomfortable. Let’s go to commercial…

ahhh, I love to pee in the shower, too!

Miss Stacie looks tired… alienating an entire minority group is exhausting work

perhaps this rain of Shug Avery pee will help alleviate those huge eye bags of hers?

Anyhow, we’re back, and Bobblehead says D.C. is known for hypocritical bigots on reality TV politicians who “pass the buck”, but Season Seven chefs play “the blame game” better than Bush ever did, which leads directly into a montage of these assholes lying to each other and saying that their respective dishes taste great, but then turning around at Judges’ Table and claiming the exact opposite when prodded by Daddy Tom, Gail or Scar. The best example of this is the whole round-robin that went down during the school lunch episode that involved ShortyPants, Bloody Mandy, MassholEd, KennEgo, Jesus, God and Oprah.

Um, perhaps someone should explain to Miss Andy that this whole segment wasn’t about “blaming other people” as much as it was about “lying to another chef so they’ll fuck up and get sent home before you”, and it just illustrates exactly what was wrong with this entire season’s worth of chefs. In any case, the montage ends on the now-famous Let’s-Buy-Booze-To-Make-School-Lunch-With incident that involved Bloody Mandy and giant gallon of cooking sherry. BobbleHead says they got 4,928,716¾ emails asking why Bloody Mandy used cooking sherry in a dish for kids. Her brilliant response (and let’s keep in mind, she’s had plenty of time to think about this) is that she doesn’t really have an explanation for why she did it, sometimes you just do weird things when you’re on reality TV…

“I mean, I liked to get drunk as an 8th grader, doesn’t everybody?”

I suspect she’s drunk right now, especially when she makes a point of saying that “for the record” the sherry wasn’t expensive, it was only, like, 3 bucks. Gail’s like, “I don’t think the price was the issue!” Daddy Tom asks Bloody Mandy who she was cooking for and she slurs “Kidsh! Yeah, an’ they were verry loud when we were there, bytheway…”…

and now Miss Tamesha looks like she has found the place to put her other foot

Miss Andy moves on to the Battle Of The Gays between Instructor LynnBian and GayNold, saying they were “not on the same page at all” during the pairs challenge. LynnBian claims that they were never really angry at each other, but Miss Andy’s like, uh, don’t even try it, bitch, I was totally there that day and you two were piss and clawing at each other the whole time. GayNold tries to defuse, insisting they weren’t angry at each other but just frustrated with “the situation” and says he doesn’t think they went home for a bad dish. HUH??!? Oh, ok, you guys must have gotten sent home because you were just too good, right? Le Rippert can’t believe he said that either, and speaks up, “Bud zee paztah waz raw.” GayNold starts getting defensive, “Yeah, I know it was raw, let’s bring that back up!”…

well, maybe they wouldn’t if you weren’t sitting there lying about everything, girlfriend

GayNold loses some ground with me in this episode, but I must applaud him for his having the balls to sit there and try to tell us everything we saw for ourselves wasn’t real and didn’t happen the way it happened. But let’s face it, girl, y’all fucked up and you got booted in Episode 4 because of it.

Next, Bobblehead wants to bring up the whole Big-Haired Andrea vs. Michelle Bernstein feud, asking her if she thinks Bernie was able to be impartial when it came to judging her food? Andrea gets all vague, saying she doesn’t really wanna “go there”. I was expecting her to tell Andy to “talk to the hand” next, but instead she says a lot of people have had opinions on it, “and let’s just say I like their opinions.” Ah, ok, so the answer is no, there was no impartiality, Big-Hair thinks Bernie hosed her. Daddy Tom says that she was as uncomfortable as Andrea was, and Scar claims Bernie went out of her way to be as fair as possible. Daddy Tom thinks there’s some history there, and Scar wonders if maybe they shared a boyfriend or something…

hahaha, spoken like a true homewrecker

Big-Haired Andrea then makes the lamest and most scripted joke of this entire affair when she says “You know, I’ll tell you what it was… a long time ago Michelle stole my pea purée, and I couldn’t get past it.” Hardy-har-har, what an incredibly apropos and timely joke, because it’s a perfect segue allowing Bobblehead to tell Nosferatu the number one question of the season was “Did you really steal Ed’s pea purée?” Cue the montage of The Incident. I ain’t recapping that shit, cuz I already did…

I must say that I love how it ends with this particular cat-got-into-the-cream shot of Nosferatu

Do I even have to say that this season sucks if this is the best they can do for drama and controversy? Miss Andy asks Nosferatu to tell his side of the story, but before he can, MassholEd has stood up and taken off the insanely heavy overshirt he was wearing to reveal his latest douchetastic act on this show by trying to look all badass…

yeah, the only scary thing about his T-shirt is the fact that it’s hiding an extremely smelly pair of pit stains

Nosferatu isn’t frightened by it, either, and in fact he asks where his copy of the T-shirt is. Daddy Tom says he can steal it later from wardrobe, heh heh. Anyhow, Nosferatu says everybody’s had a lot of fun with the whole pea purée thing, but the truth of the matter is he would never steal anything from someone else, he made that pea purée himself. Miss Andy wants to know when, and Nosferatu says as soon as he got to the restaurant that day. Bloody Mandy pipes up that he made it right next to her, she saw him take out a blender and put peas in it. ChesTiffany’s bitchy side is coming back out again, because she’s making stinkyface and rolling her eyes at this…

c’mon Tiff, don’t do this, I hate it when you’re an unlikeable bitch for no reason

Naturally, Bobblehead is genetically bred to notice the faintest of eye-rolls and head-bobbing, and immediately asks her what she thinks (as if it really mattered, the whole situation had nothing to do with her). ChestBitchany says she’s not buying that Nosferatu made his own because she didn’t know he made a pea purée and because he didn’t tell MassholEd that he made one, either. Wait, what? Since when is he supposed to announce everything he’s making? Also, she claims “he just looked guilty throughout the whole process”. OH, well then, with that kind of evidence, he clearly must have done it. I think he might have also been on the grassy knoll that day, too.

Daddy Tom asks MassholEd directly if he thinks Nosferatu stole his pea purée. Ed claims half of him does and half of him believes it just got lost. Daddy brings up what Bloody Mandy said about having witnessed Nosferatu making it, and MassholEd counters with “That doesn’t mean anything.” What. A. Dick.

dude, they just hate your ass like you’re Danielle Staub (only with no hair extensions)

He also takes a minute to dispute what KennEgo said when he claimed that Nosferry hadn’t had time to make a pea purée, saying he blanched the peas and put them in a blender, and boom, pea purée. KennEgo backpedals and claims that what he was really saying was that the night before Nosferatu didn’t even have an idea for a dish…

did you guys get that? “you didn’t have time to make it” = “you didn’t have an idea for a dish”

Bloody Mandy says there had to be footage of Nosferatu making it, but Daddy Tom and Miss Andy both insist there isn’t, because they asked the Magical Elves for it. Nosferatu thinks that’s bullshit, claiming this kind of thing just makes “good television”, but Daddy Tom and the Bobblehead remain adamant. I have to side with them: this isn’t good TV, it’s lame and boring. Also, how petty and stupid does this make MassholEd look for harping on ONE Elimination Challenge win that went to Nosferatu when he himself wound up going all the way to the end and being a finalist? Let it go already, dumbfuck. Besides, it’s time for another dumb question, this one coming courtesy of Sarah Stupidass from St. Louis who wants to know what Nosferatu got first when he got booted from the show, the hooker or the 8-ball? Poor Sarah, if you had actually watched the show, you would have recalled that Nosferatu was only going to get those things if he won the High-Stakes Baby Food QuickFire prize of $10,000. Ugh, let’s go to commercial…

how do you guys like the way Jackie’s new futureshorts show off her penis?

oooh, someone kills Renée Zellweger by siccing a terrible demon on her? I’m in!

Back again, and it’s time for a montage of Bobby Brown’s terrible singing and dancing around the Bilious Brownstone…

and making Nosferatu nervous by jiggling his own set of A-cup moobs around

Towards the end of this lame-tage he makes some reference to wanting to drizzle chocolate all over Scar. Even weirder, he says that he likes to “perform” for the ladies during dinner and that “nine times out of ten they usually end up nude by the time we get to dessert…”

oh, I bet that becomes awkward at Denny’s

Bobblehead asks Scar if she’s up for a “chocolate drizzle”, and Scar says she’s nauseated flattered but not a chance in hell no.

Next, Miss Andy introduces the montage of KennEgo and OranJello being “overly confident” and the others calling them cocky (although I do love Bloody Mandy’s dig at KennEgo: “Kenny’s the best chef here. Just. Ask. Him.” LOL, Mandy!) and it leads into KennEgo’s lame nicknames for himself…

he forgot to add the last one, but luckily I remembered it for him

We see repeats of him claiming OranJello sees him as “his biggest threat”, followed by The Citrus One saying his battle is with himself and no one else, followed by him insisting that he’s not cocky at all. Back in the studio, the Bobblehead points out that that line got a huge amount of laughter from the others (and an eye-roll from Instructor LynnBian). Bloody Mandy brings up how cocky it was that OranJello said he was going to win every challenge. Do any of you still think he meant it in a literal way, or do you think perhaps he meant it in the Tony-Robbins-self-pep-talk kind of way? It’s hard to tell, and Miss Andy asks The Citrus One if he thinks he comes off as cocky on the show. OranJello’s response is cute, “I’ll put it this way: I know what I know, and I know what I don’t know.” Daddy Tom actually jumps to the defense of a good chef needing a little cockiness in order to effectively lead their team. Besides, have you guys ever seen the dickbags that regularly appear over at Chopped on the Doof Network? Just about every single one of them proclaims himself to be the Second Coming of Christ The Chef. The Citrus One’s pretty timid compared to those asshats.

Anyhow, Miss Andy then tells KennEgo that no matter who’s better (*cough*OranJello*cough*) he will always be the “Beast In The Kitchen” and presents him with tonight’s second lame-ass T-Shirt…

sadly it does not contain the necessary stinklines

This one is actually available for purchase on Bravo’s website (I thought for sure MassholEd’s stupid pea-shirt would be, but I was wrong) and as a result I feel I have to go on record to say…

they will never, ever, ever top THIS one

As if that wasn’t bad enough, it looks like KennEgo went out and got a tattoo of the same for his big fat belly…

which he is desperately sucking in here

Aaaaaand thousands of women just became lesbians. Plus, his says “Beast OF The Kitchen” for some reason. Anyhow, what about it, ladies? Would you want to see that saying on top of you in bed? Although you’d prolly just see the word “BEAST”. Or maybe even just “DΓΔ⊂Τ”.  Don’t get me wrong, normally I’m totes into fat guys, but KennEgo’s stank attitude is just a giant instant hard-off for me. Let’s stop talking about him altogether.

Instead, it’s time to move on to the montage of the Little Chef Who Couldn’t, namely Stephen ShortyPants..

sucking proudly since Episode One

Some of this lame-tage is clearly made up of editing bullshit, because it’s clip after clip of judges complaining about food, and not always ShortyPants’ food. For example, when they show Frank “BrunHilda” Bruni saying “This is awful!” he’s talking about KennEgo’s giant block of deep-fried goat cheese! BrunHilda didn’t come along until Restaurant Wars and ShortyPants was already out of the competition at that point! I hate it when the Magical Elves think we’re all too stupid to actually remember what went on during the course of the show! Anyhow, after the montage he says that his cooking style is very much trial-and-error before he puts a dish on the menu at his restaurant, and rightfully points out that the format of Top Chef doesn’t allow enough time for that. Daddy Tom actually backs him up on this, saying some chefs really are like that. And some chefs just suck at competitions. I’m only saying that because it’s sometimes true. Like I suspect it is in ShortyPants’ case.

Moving on, we have another silly question, this time from Hefty Heather in Portly, Oregon, who says that her favorite part of the Reunion shows is the montage of “crazy stuff that happens in the Stew Room”. Well, Heather, that’s not really a question per se, but we’re right there with you, the ‘Gasmii tend to think there’s only about 2 minutes of the Reunion Episode worth watching as well, so here we go…

they played “Project Runway”

broke perfectly good bottles of cheap wine

had a game of Lesbiana Strip Poke-her

and OranJello went “balls through the wall”

I found it interesting that ChesTiffany, JerseyMoobs and MassholEd were shown freely participating in these silly games when in the first episode they were the ones who got all highly offended that the other chefs weren’t “taking the competition seriously” enough for their tastes. I guess boredom cured them of their stick-up-the-assishness.

Next question-or-comment-or-segue-whatever comes from Ann Assmuncher in San Francisco, who wants to know if BeakerDreads John is still pissed at himself that he used the Evil Premade Puff Pastry (insert godlike echo here) and got sent home first. It was at this point that I finally got a good look at HomeSchooled Jackie and thought…

her fashion sense is homeschooled, too

What. The. Fuck? There is so much wrong with this look I hardly know where to begin! Let me try: a) blouse is crooked and sagging to her left side 2) slip-straps are showing (has she never heard of Strap-Perfect™ as seen on TV?) iii) shiny, shiny, shiny, does she not know what a “matte finish” or powder is for? Δ) wearing cornflower blue and seafoam green together 4½) her right blouse-strap is inside out, and finally V) showing eight-head. No wonder Miss Andy never asks her a single question this entire time.

Anyhow, back to BeakerDreads, he says of course if he could do it all over he wouldn’t have gone the Evil Premade Puff Pastry route, and actually believes if he had cooked something else altogether he would have been on the show a lot longer…

like maybe two episodes

Daddy Tom dickishly asks him if dessert sales are up or down. BeakerDreads says they’re up because he’s not the one making them. Tsssss-burn! Good one, BeakerDreads! And Tom’s not done being an asshole here, either, because next the Bobblehead asks Trucksy Tracy what it’s like being told that she’s insulted Italians everywhere. Flashback to the grilling episode that got her cut, and Trucksy looks really embarrassed, naïvely saying she had hoped they would have edited that comment out. Daddy Tom’s giggling and claiming after he said it he wished they hadn’t used it either, but he knew there was no way it wouldn’t make it into the episode. Aww, man I feel sorry for her, she’s not laughing, and in fact looks really butt-hurt that the worst moment of her time on the show is the only thing they wanna ask her about.

let’s all send her some hugs and sausage-burgers

Let’s move on, Miss Andy, this is getting painfully awkward. Brent the P.A. from The Bravo/NBC/Universal Offices Downstairs wants to know from Gail what the difference is between being a judge on Top Chef, and doing judging and hosting on Top Chef: Just Desserts. Nicely ill-concealed plug there, Miss Andy! Duh, Brent! She makes more money now! Naturally she gives a big bunch of butt-kissing to Scar, saying it’s a lot harder hosting than it looks, and that she’s on a definite learning curve with it. Scar gives an insincere smile and says she’s sure Gail’s gonna be great at it and can’t wait to see the show…

as soon as hell freezes over

I don’t think Miss Thing likes anybody encroaching on her hosting turf. We still have yet to see her and Bok Choi together, I suspect for that very reason. In any case, all this talking about the Judges provides the perfect segue for the Bobblehead to introduce the usual montage of the Judges acting crazy on the set. Because watching Scar flub her lines is fascinating, I’m afraid to recap it, lest I be hypnotized, so we’re just gonna move right along, K? Especially when Miss Andy admits that “every bit of tape is used”. Who else thinks that is a euphemism for “this show is cheap sometimes”…

thanks, Daddy Tom!

Let’s have another commercial…

this is the only scene I wanted to see from this film: Katherine Heigl with babyshit on her face

Tonight’s vignette is a complete and utter rip-off of Big Brother (of all things) because it’s a bunch of those Combine-A-Face illustrations of what the babies would look like if various pairs of chefs hooked up…

like babies don’t smell bad enough without adding doo-rags, dreadlocks and oily skin together?

and this baby could never even ever happen (outside of a lab)

why does baby Tameshelo look Indian? (dots, not feathers)

this kid is straight-up Jersey Shore (maybe it’s the overly-gelled hair)

Baby’s First Hair Extensions™ (DoucheSoul Patch™ sold separately)

this baby throws constant tantrums, swears a lot and thinks he’s better than everybody

surprisingly fug coming from the two sex symbols of the show

Well, that was just a big plate of pure awful. However, I’m all for it if it will keep even one of these people from hooking up with the other and creating a squalling little poop factory. Anyhow, we’re gonna go from awful to downright hideous with the next lame-tage as Miss Andy claims they got a lot of comments on how “different” the opening of this season’s show was… then the porn music starts playing and we have shots of a steadily rising Washington Monument (it’s like a big, hard dick!) and the Capital Building mirrored so it looks like it has two domes (like giant boobs!) and fireworks going off in the background (like Congressmen ejaculating on their tax-purchased whores!) intercut with several of the chefs making “sexy” poses, taking off their chefcoats, and just generally doing hooker pole-dances (even the guys)…

that scraping sound?…is the bottom of the barrel

Man, Miss Andy wasn’t kidding when she said they used every inch of footage they could for this bullshit! Bloody Mandy seemed to be the one who really got into the sad little strip tease, but when the Bobblehead asks her what she was “vibing on” she claims she was just doing what they told her to do… which was apparently to give blowjobs to the camera. Well, I guess when your season didn’t have anything else to offer, it’s time to resort to whatever limited sex appeal you can dredge up out of this crummy crew.

Moving on, who was their favorite politician to cook for this season? Bloody Mandy liked Nancy Pelosi and Miss Swan still has a crush on Buzz Aldrin (who isn’t technically a politician, but when people don’t know the difference between lying and blaming, why split hairs?). I liked Top Chef Season Six, but nobody asked me.

Now Miss Andy decides to try and take yet another shot at OranJello, saying that some guy named Mark (prolly another P.A. from downstairs) wrote and asked if The Citrus One was as arrogant in his everyday life as he was on the show? Didn’t we already cover this? Nevertheless, OranJello says he doesn’t consider himself to be arrogant, in fact, he believes he is humble and gracious to people “but, that’s my perspective”. You will notice, he did not try and blame the editing (which he easily could have) and he did not say anything cocky or arrogant. I think (as many of you have stated before) that they tried to give him the villain edit, but in reality he’s a pretty nice guy. In any case, the reason why we’re beating this Dead-OranJello-Is-An-Asshole-Horse is because it’s time for another montage of why people think The Citrus One is a “master spy”…

not in that shirt he isn’t

I guess he should take it as a compliment that they devoted an entire montage to nothing but his awesomeness (we hear clip after clip of them calling his name as the winner, something we certainly could not have gotten in JerseyMoobs’ montage) and I am personally grateful for hearing him say “I’m not necessarily the dog that just goes and humps the leg, I take a look at which leg I wanna hump and then I hump it.” They also bring up how he’s always talking to himself, sometimes in French, which inexplicably leads ShortyPants to the conclusion that maybe The Citrus One is a Russian spy. Just cuz his mail-order bride is from there? Ah, but then the real reason for this montage is made clear as we hear MassholEd trotting out the old “If anyone listens to Angelo too much it could definitely backfire…” and it’s followed by him giving advice to Bloody Mandy, ShortyPants and ChesTiffany.

Now the Bobblehead says that Tara Twatwaffle from El Paso says she thought Miss Tamesha was going the distance but she thinks OranJello led her on to failure. What does Miss Lady T think? Here’s your chance, girl, don’t fuck it up. She says she doesn’t believe OranJello led her on to fail, the dish she presented that got her sent home was 100% hers and the judges just didn’t like it. AMEN! The Citrus One looks vindicated. Then Miss Andy asks him directly, since it’s a competition, why is he helping people at all? He comes right back with “Why not help people?” Bobblehead snaps back with “Because you’re competing against them.” The Citrus One replies, “Sure, sure, but I think what’s gonna get you to the end is your talent, not by me giving you a tidbit here and there.” SNAPPLE, CITRUS FLAVOR! Do any of y’all get the feeling Miss Andy doesn’t care so much for OranJello? Especially when he asks the group as a whole who thinks he was sincere in the help he was giving people…

the holdouts are KennEgo (not surprised) Big-Haired Andrea (bitter) and GayNold (unrequited lust)

Yeah, I know it looks like GayNold’s raising his hand there, but he really didn’t, he reached up and wiped his mouth, which was pursed in a prissily disapproving moue of disgust. Ooooh, you are losing more J-Mo points, girlfriend! Anyhow, ChesBitchany qualifies her raised hand, saying she believes OranJello’s help is sincere now, but she didn’t then. What made her come around? “At the end of the day everyone cooks their own food and everyone puts that dish on the plate, so it is that person.”…

thank you, your Highness… that’s what I said several weeks ago

Dear God, it’s time for another lame-tage of those wacky cheftestants, only this time they’re not in the Stew Room, they’re in the Bilious Brownstone playing practical jokes on each other. Well, we do still have another 12 minutes to fill. The best part of this was something we’ve already seen, when OranJello Saran-Wrapped the toilet seat, causing ShortyPants to pee all over his own balls…

okay, it is kinda fun to watch yourself being a sort-of a tool on TV

After that, it was just a bunch more instances of people Saran-Wrapping things, which, duh, the Glad Family Of Products™ is no longer the sponsor here guys, it’s the green bodywash people now! Then again, I guess it’s not such a funny prank to wash other people’s stuff, so, plastic-wrap away!

Next, for fun and games, it’s time for Top Chef Trivia! Who can name the winners of Top Chef in order! Ooooooh, that would require you to remember seven whole people! Who out of this bunch could possibly have enough brain power to rise to such a task?

ten bucks says he forgets his own name

Gee, JerseyMoobs also knows two of the winners (remember he “worked for with” them) so how hard can this be? I’d be way more impressed if he remembered the TVGasm nicknames for them (Harold, Illyawn, Dung, Yoda, Hoser, Li’l Volt and JerseyMoobs). Sorry, we never recapped Season One, so Harold never really got a nickname. In any case, since Moobsie got them all right, Miss Andy is giving everyone the full suite of Top Chef QuickFire Wines (plug!)…

yay, we’re gonna get drunk!

I don’t blame them for being giddy, they deserve it, they’ve prolly been sitting there for six hours listening to this crap, who knows how many stupid montages they’ve had to sit through?

FINALLY MIss Andy has something interesting to say! He’s been teasing the entire (six) hour(s) of this Reunion Special that they are gonna find out who will be participating in the next season of Top Chef, which the Magical Elves have smartly decided to make an “All-Star” season (I suspect partially thanks to the dismal casting of this season) and now he’s about to reveal who gets to compete… and it won’t be any of the winners! Well, duh, they already won once, so they should be excluded, especially shitty by-default-winners like Hoser and JerseyMoobs. So who’s going to be on it? Well, first, let’s go to commercial…

so who’s doing the MySpace movie?

“I gotta go. My bitchy shrew of a wife wants to throw containers of Yoplait at my balls again.”

and yes, I’m still pissed at you, girlfriend

Okay, home stretch! They’re not doing Fan Favorite tonight (plug for the Bobblehead’s buttkissfest!) but who do they think will win it? Bloody Mandy bitchily says GayNold “because he’s campaigning.” Daddy Tom looks incredulous and a few people laugh. GayNold looks embarrassed and claims it’s not him campaigning, it’s his sister that’s doing it. I’m here to tell you all that that is a flat-out lie, Miss Thing has been campaigning for weeks begging people for votes. How do I know this? Because Miss GayNold and I, we’re FaceBook friends…

although prolly not for long after this recap hits the site

I can’t tell you how many times she’s been stumping in her News Updates for this since she got booted. C’mon, girl, own it! I dunno why, but she has come off as really bitchy and disingenuous this whole episode, and I don’t like to see her being that way. Anyhow, Big-Haired Andrea actually thinks KennEgo’s gonna win it! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! She’s serious, too, and I bet he believes her, but there’s no way in gay hell. KennEgo himself says he thinks it’s gonna be ChesTiffany who snags it. And he was right on the money, she did win Fan Favorite. But even more interesting, do you guys know who had the second-highest number of votes?…

not this Alpha-Douche

Actually, it was OranJello who got the runner-up position for Fan Favorite! And since he already won $40,000.00 and a car (plus his food is going into space!) I am sure he’s not bitter about ChesTiffany winning. KennEgo would have been another story. In any case, here’s who’s going to be in Top Chef Season 8 All-Stars set in New York City and premiering December 1st on Bravo…

Stevie AssBurrito and the original Bitchani (with an extra-bitchi “i”!)

El Chia-Pet and the bad-ass rappin’-tastic skillz of TurkeyHair!

BaldHawk (yay!), Bunny Foo-Foo (boo!) and Some Black Guy (???)

whom I will call Tray Cookz!

the Chicago smorgasbord includes BlazeHawk, Dung v2.0, AnTonneia and Spike Evangelass!

Fahhbeeoh, Beaker Carla (along with Spirit Guides Ronda & Juanita, natch!) and Jamie the Ninja LesboTurtle!

Bitter Jen (BIG yay!) and… oh fuck me right in the man-cunt, it’s Sexist Fuckin’ Pigshit (BIGGEST BOO EVAHHH!)

OMFG, you have to be kidding me! Since when does this Didn’t-Even-Make-Top-Six-And-Got-Beat-By-80′s-Hooker-Asshole qualify as a “star”? I predict (and pray) he’s out in the first few episodes. Hopefully. Anyhow, so here’s the big moment as we find out who from Season 7 gets to have their second chance at winning Top Chef…

I fucking knew it!

Also, hahahaha, KennEgo didn’t get picked! Miss Andy wants to know how the two of them feel about starting this process all over again since they just finished it. Miss ChesTiffany says she’s ready for it, and OranJello says he’s not gonna get sick this time. Bobblehead wants to know from the Judges what they think of the line-up of competition…

“Man, there are some real asshats up in there!”

he’s dead-on-balls right, too

Daddy says most of them are extremely talented chefs who were either in the Finals or could have made it to the finals, and that some of them got “tripped up early”. Man, that statement right there must be extra-painful for KennEgo to be hearing right about now. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Gail says if she could have hand-picked the cast, this is who she would have chosen (with the exception of Sexist Pigshit, I can’t believe that Gail would really have wanted Mr. Greek Passive included in the bunch) and Le Rippert sez ov courze hee eez rooteeng for Beetair Jayn beecozz shee eez workaing for heem now. Scar says she thinks BlazeHawk is really talented, but they’re all so different, she can’t pick a favorite. I think she’s blunted again.

And with that, Miss Andy congratulates ChesTiffany and OranJello on their second chance, JerseyMoobs on his lame-ass win, and we’re FINALLY OUT!

What did you guys think of this episode? Remember when these used to be kinda funny? What do you guys think of the All-Star cast, and who would you have rather seen there? For me, hands down, I think DirtyBear should have gotten another shot, as well as Big Volt and Stefan (replacing AssBurrito, Sexist Pigshit and EvangelAss) but other than that I’m pretty happy and excited for what’s going to come ouf of it. And I will be right there to share it all with you guys.

So now, I’m taking a little vacay from recapping. I have this big-ass, bad-ass, brand new iMac that I’m working on, and i have had zero time to even figure out really how it works yet, so hopefully by the time the show returns I’ll have figured out how to make my gifs again. Oh and one last thing before I go…

because I promised

Thanks again for all the comment love, ‘Gasmii, I will see you in December!

love, J-Mo

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Jimi Heselden, the owner of the Segway died after falling off a cliff while on a Segway. Those things are dangerous! Poor guy!

I got hooked up with a Segway last year for a day, and literally flew off the damn thing like four times, no joke! I don’t know if you’ve ever been on one or not, but you get to a point where you think you have a handle on the dumb thing, and then it grounds you, literally. Bill Neuenschwander, owner of a Segway tour company told the Associated Press, “People get it right away…This product is perfectly safe when people respect its limitations.” Yeah, so is everything else in life when you respect limits, but sometimes accidents just happen…on Segways–more times than not.

I can’t say I’ve ever felt safe on a Segway.

Here’s a video of some Segway crashes:

So Ironic. Jimi dies while driving a Segway, and Steve Irwin dies doing what he loved. R.I.P. dudes.

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Hi there Gasmi, how’s it going? What have you been up to? Really?  As for me, I’ve been spending plenty of quality time with my family, which has been great. The only problem is that I haven’t been able to spend time with all the junk TV I usually watch. The good news is that I’ve gotten to watch my family’s favorite junk TV, and it’s always fun to see what other people like. Okay, I know we shouldn’t say that watching TV with your family is the best part of the trip, because it’s not, but in my opinion if you reminisce with your family long enough, it will turn into the airing of long  held grievances, so yay for TV!

Before we go any further we need to clear up two things. First, my definition of junk TV. I look at TV like food. There’s good food that you feel glad letting people you know you eat it for dinner, and then there is junk food, which you don;t want to eat three meals a day, but is awesome for a snack. For me, TV works the same way. You have Mad Men, Glee, 30 Rock, Sunday Night Fotball, or whatever show you make time to watch, that’s good TV. Then you have junk TV, that you usually have to look for on cable when you just want to watch TV, but aren’t too picky about what you are going to watch.

The second thing I need to point out is that I am not making fun of my families choices, because, well because I am a TV bottom feeder par excellence. Aside from the fact that I will watch Law and Order in any form (including all three versions of Law and Order Criminal Intent, or as I like to call them, Law and Order Criminal Intent: Man Vincent D’Onofrio is chewing on the scenery tonight, Law and Order Criminal Intent: Hey Chris Noth got an acting gig where he doesn’t have to pretend Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose is proportional, and finally,Law and Order Criminal Intent: Jeff Goldblum needs a paycheck), but also thanks to the fact that I am turning into my Dad I will now at least check out any documentary about Hitler, and/or oganized crime.  So I am painfully aware I am in no position to be looking down my nose at what other people watch. Okay, so do have everything straightened out? Wonderful, let’s watch TV with my family.

My Brother-in-Law/Deadliest Warrior: We’ll start off our TV safari with my brother-in-law, because this is a guy who makes his TV viewing count. My brother-in-law is a great guy, but when it comes to stopping to smell the roses, he sucks like a Tijuana donkey show. The guy works two jobs, helps out with the coaching for his kids’ sports teams, is always willing to help a relative with any sort of project, and is constantly in the process of pulling off his own home improvement projects around the house. In short, he’s just the sort of a guy you want your sister to marry.

The one thing my brother-in-law doesn’t really excel at is watching tons of TV, and that’s why we have to take a look at a show that can make this guy put down tap roots on a couch when it’s on. For my brother-in-law TV catnip involves Apache warriors, Navy SEALS, Spetsnaz commandos, and a kind of rubber body thing that gets whacked, shot, stabbed, and brained all in the name of science. Yep, my brother-in-law loves Deadliest Warrior.

Science and swords, when is Nova going to figure this out?

Deadliest Warrior is the show that answers the burning question, who is more bad ass, a ninja or a Spartan warrior? Now for some of you out there, this question has never come up, but if you have a functional penis, chances are you put at least some time into solving this little mystery. And now there is a show that will help you do it, thanks to the Spike network.

The Spike network exists to make sure guys are able to get a steady diet of ultimate fighting matches, Star Wars marathons, and to give Axe body spray a place to show their commercials 24 hours a day. I can’t prove it, but I think the programmer for this network is a giant anthropomoric pair of human testicles.

Anyway, the good people at Spike are the ones who let us evaluate bad assedness in a semi-scientific way with Deadliest Warrior. Here is how this show works. You start with a couple of bad asses from any period of history, get a short little intro about each bad ass, and then the people on the show start rating the level of respected bad assedness.

Because we are living in the 21st century, the rating is done in a very scientific way. Sort of. They take the warriors weapons and evaluate them, mainly by using this thing that looks like a half a mannequin, and if the weapon in question stabs or bashes, taking out their frustrations on the target mannequin.

Now what makes this mannequin so special, I mean aside from the fact it looks like that visible man model all my friends had when we were kids, is the fact it’s made out of this rubbery plastic stuff that is supposed to be just like human tissue. Oh, and just to be more nerdy the mannequin is loaded with sensors so they can measure how hard our little victim dummy is getting whacked.

Also, one of the guys on the show is a doctor so he can look at the dummy and tell us that getting chopped in the noggin with a samurai sword would kill you. I hate to judge, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess this guy camped out in the back row of the classroom in medical school.

And these guys don’t stop just with stabbing and bashing. If the bad ass in question shoots at people, they shoot at mannequins that squirt fake blood. Use explosives? They blow things up, and while they are doing it, the people on the shows are using computers, sensors, and high speed cameras to make sure we have a scientific rating of the bad assedness going on.

By the way, if I’m sounding judgmental, then please excuse me, because this show is frigging awesome, and I watch it too. Of course, I am a TV whore who would watch CSPAN if they had ninjas.

What amazes me is that my brother-in-law is usually so together, but if he sees this show on TV, he’s down on the couch until we figure out that a Russian commando could totally kick a Roman centurion’s ass. The difference between him and myself is that he gets up when the show is over and goes out and finishes up his weeding in the back yard. I mean come on, you’re leaving? Jar Jar Binks is going to be on after the commercial! Sigh, he’s a good guy and he treats my sister like gold, but I just don’t understand him.

My Nephews/Nick Teen: Here’s where we watch TV with kids. I know we’re all supposed to not want kids to watch TV, but I watched four hours a day and it didn’t hurt me. Of course thanks to watching the Three Stooges through most of my formative years, now whenever I think of one man attempting to force a crowbar into another man’s ear. I laugh until I pee. [Five minute break for trip to the bathroom] Oh man, he really got that crowbar in there. It never gets old. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, watching TV as a child doesn’t affect you. Thanks, you’re the bestest!

And just for the record, my nephews don’t watch four hours of TV a day. They do get to watch an hour when they first get home from school, and the way I look at it, it’s like a double scotch for ten year olds. It’s not the best thing in the world for you, but everyone needs a little pick me up at the end of the day.

My nephews unwinder of choice is a good hour of TV courtesy of the kind people at Teen Nick. This means sitting down to check out the latest episodes of iCarley and Big Time Rush (oh, oh, oh-oh, oh).

Let’s start with iCarley. This is a show about a girl named Carley, and her friend Sam, and their web show. Carley lives with her older brother, who my sister describes as a non-annoying version of Jim Carey (look, this is just me, but if Jim Carey isn’t annoying, then what’s the point?). Carley and her friends get into wacky adventures, and it’s not the worst way to spend a half hour after a hard day of multiplication tables.

Now we move on to Big Time Rush (oh, oh, oh-oh, oh), and here is where the folks at Nickelodeon burn through my goodwill like a compulsive gambler with a bankroll in Vegas. How can I describe this show? Are you old enough to remember The Monkeys? Now imagine if the Monkeys had sold their souls. Okay, imagine The Monkeys taking out a second on their souls.

To my nephews, this is a choice that will haunt you, love Uncle Waffleboy

Trust me, I’m speaking from personal experience

This show is about four guys from Minnesota who head out to form a boy band in LA. Yeah, with a concept like that how could it be cheezy?

This show annoys me in so many ways. it’s hard to figure out where to start, but just for you, I’ll try. For starters, the four guys in Big Time Rush have the same first names as their characters. I call this little trick the Danza, in honor of Tony Danza, who spent pretty much his entire career only responding to people when they called him by his actual name. The guys have left their family behind to live in this hotel in LA where only teenagers who are trying to make it in Hollywood. Well, except for this one kid who’s mom and hyper-precocious little sister who keep showing up in the episode B story, mainly to keep this thing from being a complete sausage fest.

The way the show works is that the boys get into some predicament, and then they get out of it once they just be themselves. This is a good lesson for kids, especially kids marching into their adolescence, but I’d feel better if it wasn’t being peddled by people who are teenagers that appear to have never had a pimple or wear braces, and whose music is more Pro Tools then actual singing.

Okay, I don’t like this one, but you know what? It doesn’t matter. That’s what my nephews watch, and I respect their decision to watch bad TV. I mean as somebody who has spent an entire season wondering who was going to get to be the next woman to file a domestic abuse complaint against Flava Fave, who am I to judge?

My Sister: We’ll get back to my sister, because her junk TV shows surprisingly dove tail into my folks TV shows. Trust me, it will make sense in a couple of minutes, just keep reading,

My Folks and Mexican Cable: Here is where we move on from my Sister’s family to watching TV with with my folks. Things get interesting right of the bat, because when my folks retired they moved to Mexico. They live in a really great place, and you don’t watch a lot of TV down there, but what they do watch is fun to watch. The interesting thing is that the reason that it is fun has changed over the years.

When my folks first moved down to Mexico they had Mexican cable, and there wasn’t a whole lot of programming in English. Not that it mattered, because I always liked watching American shows that had been dubbed into Spanish. I especially liked an informerical for a Jack LaLane juicer because I was amazed at how when Jack LaLane spoke Spanish his voice was so much deeper then when he spoke English.

Yep, good times, but eventually my folks got a cable set up so they could watch American TV. Sort of. Thanks to the friend of a friend of a guy from the golf course who was later deported by the Federales to the US to face changes on white collar crimes (don’t ask), they got this satellite package from Canada. They get all the American networks, and most of the cable channels, but there are some differences. For starters their Bravo Channel has fat women singing opera, as opposed to our Bravo Channel that has fat women pulling out hair extensions and flipping over tables. Silly Canucks.

Anyway, despite some of these obvious problems, Canadian cable in Mexico has opened up plenty of viewing choices for my folks, and it was fun to see what they watch.

The Golf Channel: Okay, because my parents are retired, they play golf, and because they play golf they watch The Golf Channel. You’re all very bright people, so I’m guessing you’ve already figured out that the Golf Channel is about golf. Shows about golf tips, shows about golf courses, shows were they show old golf tournaments, and new golf tournaments. Makes sense. right? Good.

Can you feel the excitement?

Oh, and for the record, I don’t play golf. I used to, but I wasn’t very good, and eventually I figured out that I could stay at home on Saturdays and swear in my living room for free. That being said, even thought I don’t play golf and go out of my way to watch golf, I don’t mind watching it. Golf on TV is very soothing. I think it has something to do with the announcers whispering.

Of course my favorite part of The Golf Channel isn’t the actual golf, it’s the commercials. You see I have a theory that what commercials get shown on TV tell you who the people at the network think are watching their shows, and the commercials they show on the golf channel; well let’s take a look at the average commercial break on The Golf Channel.

The first commercial they always seem to run is for Touch of Gray Hair Coloring. This is wonderful product that only colors some of gray hair on a guy’s head. The commercial always has a guy applying for a job and once he uses touch of gray he gets the job because his gray hair says experience, but his dark hair says he’s active. If you weren’t sure by what they meant by active, the commercial always ends with some young girl eye humping the poop out of our camouflaged geezer. This commercial is wrong on so many levels I don’t even want to think about it, and luckily I don’t, because we are breaking right into out next commercial.

The second commercial on a Golf Channel commercial break is always for a shipping company. The beauty of shipping company commercials is that it doesn’t matter what company they are for, because they are all exactly the same. The commercial tells us that this shipping company has the easiest, fastest, cheapest, and most dependable of shipping in the world, and as for their competitors? Well, let’s just say they are a big bag of dicks. Wow, that clears things up. Or it would if the shipping companies weren’t all telling me the exact same thing. Luckily I don’t work in the shipping department, so this won’t be keeping me up at night, much.

Finally, it wouldn’t be the Golf Channel if we didn’t get at least on erectile dysfunction commercial. I prefer the Viagra commercials, because I honestly don’t know why I need to take Cialis to sit naked in a bathtub by myself. Although, it doesn’t matter here, because all of these commercials are handy for the guys using Touch of Gray hair coloring, and find they aren’t as active as their hair is fronting.

Okay, so what have we learned watching commercials on the Golf Channel? Well, apparently they feel the average person watching their shows is an impotent man working in the shipping department who wants to pork girls young enough to be his daughter. Hmmm, am I the only one who feels like nut punching a Golf Channel programmer right about now?

Judge Judy: This show is interesting because both my step-dad and my sister are big fans. It’s kind of like me and my brother-in-law with Deadliest Warrior, only more so.

Fun Fact, The Eskimos used to put people her age on ice flows.  Hey, just saying

Judge Judy has been on for years, so I probably don’t need to tell you what it’s about, but it I was going to I would advise you to imagine a very angry parrot, and now imagine that parrot with a face pumped full of botox. Basically it’s a show where a tiny angry woman screams at people. Okay, supposedly, it’s people going to small claims court, but really it’s an old person yelling at people, and they aren’t even on her lawn.

Oh, and just for the record, the people getting screamed at are totally asking for it. The people bringing their cases to Judge Judy are one of the biggest collections of slack jawed mouth breathers you are going to see on TV in a non-election year. There is a never ending army of people skipping out on leases, not paying back personal loans, punching each other in bar parking lots, and elevating road rage to a high art.

I asked my sister why she watches this show, and she told me she learns stuff when she watches it. Such as that some people rent truck rims as an anniversary present, and that they can’t ask for restitution when they break up, because it’s a gift. Well at least my sister is taking something away from this show. Whenever I watch it I spend the whole show trying to figure out how Judge Judy can yell at people, and how the only muscles that seem to move in her face are at the corner of her mouth. I guess you can tell who got the brains in my family, huh?

Dateline/48 Hours Mystery: I lumped these shows together even though they are on different networks for one very simple reason. They are the exact same show. Somebody gets killed and you find out who they think did it, and maybe they get sent to jail at the end of the show. My sister watches Dateline and my folks watch 48 Hours Mystery, but not visa-versa. Not that it matters, because if you’ve seen one of these bad boys you’re good to go.

Every episode starts with clips of someone who is super duper nice, and hearing from their family as they start to get the sniffles. These sniffles are well deserved, because we always find out that the super duper nice person has been murdered. The rest of the show is about figuring out who did it.

The only problem I have with this, is that the same person does it in every episode, the husband. If a woman gets killed, the murderer is always her ex-husband, estranged husband, or supposedly loving husband. If a guy gets killed, it’s always that a woman has gotten her new husband, or a guy who goes on to become her husband to do the deed. The important thing to remember is that if somebody goes missing, the guy wearing the gold band is probably responsible for it.

Look, don’t get me wrong, my family seems to enjoy both of these shows, but if I’m going to watch a husband kill somebody, then I’m flipping over to Lifetime and watch Dean Cain try to kill somebody whose sitcom just got cancelled. Hey, leave it to the pros, that’s my motto.

Superman had issues, who knew?

Okay there you have it, a quick trip through TV with my family. Not the most exciting thing in the world, but it beats looking at slides, right? Anyway, thanks for stopping by.

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Bonjour, mon Gasmii! Gossip Slife here. Seems one episode set in France just wasn’t enough for the writers of Gossip Girl, so last night we were treated to An American Princess in Paris, Part Deux. And honestly, if you’re a fan of Gossip Girl, it was a pretty decent episode. It did what Gossip Girl does best: it was steamy, scheme-y, and angsty … even if the steamy was Dan and Manessa (barf), the scheme-y was Nate (kinda weak sauce) and the angsty was Blair trying to pretend she was over Chuck. Fat chance, sweetie! Stick another French croissant in your face and shut…the front door!

The ep opens with S and B shoveling food in their face at some boulangerie on their final day in Paris. Blair can’t help but be a jealous pig and pester Slutina about making a choice between Nate and Dan, and even compares them to pastries! What a hog! I didn’t really follow the rest of this scene, because I was so distracted by how hideous S and B looked in their crazeballs outfits! What is going on with Slutina’s hair?! It looks like a rat’s nest on top of a ponytail! And her clothes! Blue harem pants?! Come ON! Someone’s gonna poke their eyes out on those sequined shoulder pads! And then there’s Blair, trotting around like Madeline with a bedpan on her head! Oh, merde!!

Hot mess!

Hotter mess!

Hottest mess!

Blair leaves for her date with Louie. Lord only knows WHY he decided to give her a second chance. Lily calls Slutina and asks her to go to the Paris morgue and ID a body which may be that of Chuck Bass! Ugh! Way to kill a fun-filled day of shopping on the Rue de blah blah blah, mother!

Back in NYC, Juliet is getting all the dirt on Slutina from Nate. Juliet: “So, she took the virginity of her best friend’s boyfriend, ran away to boarding school, bounced from guy to guy, until dating your married Congressman cousin, fell in love with you, and cheated on you with your friend who’s also her ex?” ROFLMAO! Yup, that’s our Slut McGee Funbags Van der Woodsen in a nutshell! Juliet then quips: “The only thing that would make it better if one of those boyfriends turned out to be her brother.” Nate: “Does step-brother count?” Juliet then offers to be Nate’s “life coach” for a day so he can make up his mind once and for all about Slutina.

“OMG!  She’s an even bigger slut than I was on Melrose Place!”

S goes to the morgue to see the body, but naturally, it’s not her Basshole step-brother. Chuck, meanwhile, is still pretending to be “Henry Prince” and is slumming it with his doe-eyed French savior. Zzz.

Nate and Juliet go to the Brooklyn loft where the walk in to find The Humph croaking out a warbling lullaby to baby Milo. Yup, my ears are officially bleeding. When Dan’s not looking, Nate swipes his phone and sees that Slutina’s been texting both of them. Juliet trots over and goes all Lady Macbeth on Nate, coaxing him to sabotage Dan if he wants to win Slutina back. GAME ON!

OMG!  Baby Milo is too cute for words in that hat!

Chuck grabs his cane and is hobbling off to his first day of honest work as a waiter (LOL) when, in the show’s most preposterous coincidence, Blair’s taxi screeches to a halt and the star-crossed lovers exchange awkward glances, before Blair screeches at her driver to haul ass.

Talk about awkward!!

Vanessa and Juliet return from grocery shopping / girl bonding / gab fest 2010, and V plops her hippie ass down on the couch next to Dan and starts cooing in Milo’s face. Juliet (not so subtly) shouts across the room how great Manessa is with babies, and then tells Nate what a great couple “Danessa” is. Nate may be a dummy, but he’s not THAT stupid. He knows what Juliet is up to, but decides to play along.

Blair returns from shopping and tells Slutina that Dan is ahead in the Gossip Girl poll of who she should pick: Dan vs. Nate. WTF?! When did GG start doing polls? And when did GG give two shits what the peons think? Anyways, Slutina tells Bair she went to the morgue today. Blair: “What is that? A sex club?” LMAO. Is Blair really that stupid? Or does she simply think her bestie is a total slutbag? Slutina confesses that Chuck is not dead, but is MIA. Blair is hardly moved, then admits she saw that Basstard earlier that day. Slutina is totally shocked.

This outfit just keeps getting worse. Why won’t she just change already?

Worst scene alert: Chuck helps some drunk old fart named Jacques stumble out of the wine shop where he works. This guy is so NOT French! It looks like they just plucked someone’s grandpa out of a rest home in Boca Raton. And listening to Ed Westwick “impress” us with his French diction is like nails on a chalkboard. His lame girlfriend shows up. I’m just gonna call her Gigi. (GG, get it?) Upchuck tells Gigi that he’s had a change of heart about Paris, and now (after running into Blair) wants to say au revoir again.

I’m gonna need a pair of Depends after watching this scene.

Lily tells Roofus that Milo’s doctor at Lennox Hill won’t discuss his medical files with anyone other than his parents. Roofus expresses concern that Whore-gina didn’t even have a real doctor on the phone before. THANK YOU! Someone with a brain! Lily, however, wants Roofus to stop being so paranoid and help her turn Little J’s room into a nursery for Milo. Ha! Talk about yesterday’s garbage!

While Dan takes a nap (typical father!) Juliet uses the opportunity to hiss a few lies in Manessa’s ear about how Dan supposedly told Nate that he still harbors feelings for her. Nate looks confused, but plays along with Juliet’s scheme, and Manessa falls for it hook, line, and stinker.

Meanwhile, Slutina hits the pavement in her blue harem pants, waving Chuck’s photo in the face of every barkeep and wine shop owner in town. Natch, she runs into Gigi’s uncle, who remarks that Chuck looks an awful lot like his new waiter.  What’s French for “DUH?!”

Chuck and Gigi are making plans to get the hell out of Dodge when there’s a knock at the door and Slutina shows up, shocked and excited to see that Chuck is alive. But much to her horror, Chuck pretends he doesn’t know her, and SLAMS the door in her face! LOL. Genius!

Blair is on her date with Louie and he’s telling her that he had no idea she had such a love for street food. Are you kidding me, dude?! Hips don’t lie! And neither do those chub cheeks of her! Louie decides to woo Blair with a trip to Givenchy, and she’s hard-pressed not to say no!

Those kabobs are gonna go straight to your birthing hips, sweetie.

Dan wakes up from his nap to find Manessa playing house and cooking him dinner. They do their awkward / nervous flirting, Dan admits he’s missed her, and then Manessa leans in and starts smooching him. Gross!

Ever heard of using a hairbrush?

Slutina ambushes Chuck outside his apartment and tries to convince him not to turn his back on his old life, but Chuck blows her off AGAIN!

“Danessa” wake up in each other’s arms after the throes of passion. Vommies! Manessa decides that the perfect post-sex convo should be how she owes Nate a thank you for “blabbing” to her what Dan told him. Dan is of course, bewildered, since he said no such thing about still having feelings for his tranny bff or her five o’clock shadow.

“Why do I keep hooking up with you?!”

Slutina comes back to her suite, STILL in that gaudy getup, and finds Blair bossing around an entourage as she gets ready to meet the royal family. She claims to be over Chuck, but then jumps at the first mention of his name from S. Slutina then receives a giant envelope from Chuck – it seems he’s signed the deed to the Empire over to Lily! Hmm. Maybe he IS serious about turning his back on all things Bass?

Nate is hanging with Juliet when he gets a snotty little text from Dan: “I know what you told Vanessa.” Oops! Busted! But wait, why is Dan so upset? He got some summer lovin’ out of it, didn’t he??

Louie’s chauffeur arrives to pick up Blair and whisk her off to Harry Winston for some shopping, just as Slutina texts her to say, “I need to talk to you about Chuck.” Sorry, S, but haven’t you heard? Diamonds are a girl’s best friend! Blair naturally disregards the text and scampers off. (Smart girl!)

“Chuck? Or diamonds? Hmm. Lemme think…”

Slutina hangs up and then promptly gets a call from Inspector Gevalia to meet with him. Gevalia?! Like that shitty instant coffee that’s supposed to evoke some regal European image of romanticism? Couldn’t that have come up with something better? Like Inspector Clouseau? JK.

Blair is busy drooling over the gems at Harry Winston, most notably a GORGE ring she can’t have because it’s already been sold. Slutina and Juan Valdez, oops! I meant Gevalia (I got my coffees mixed up) walk in. WTF?! Turns out they are there to claim the sold ring in question, because it was the ring Chuck was going to propose to Blair with. When Chuck got mugged, the thieves tried to return it to Harry Winston for cash. (Morons!) How Gevalia knows that Chuck was shot because he refused to give up the ring is beyond me, but whatevs. Blair seems touched. Zzz.

The only thing Blair drools over more than pastries is jewels.

Nate comes over to apologize to Dan and they get into a whispering hissy fit. Natch, Manessa overhears everything and feels like a rube for falling for Nate’s scheme and sleeping with Dan. LOL.

Back at Harry Winston, (still?!) Slutina begs Blair to put her fancy shmancy ball aside and stop Chuck from leaving Paris, because she’s the only one he will listen to! Of course, Blair whips around and there’s Louie waiting to take her to the ball. Decisions, decisions!

Ok, Blair actually looks STUNNING here!

Nate and Dan share some brewskies on the roof like they are straight buds. Nate apologizes, and Dan admits that he kinda does have feelings for Manessa again. PS, normal guys don’t talk like this. Anyways, Nate reminds us that Slutina returns home tomorrow, and they stare off wistfully at the sunset.

Meanwhile, in Paris, Gigi watches her competish (Blair) run past her into the train station. Blair finally comes face to face with Chuck in what may be the show’s most cinematic shot to date. Then they spend the next five minutes in tortured discourse about love, identity, and forgiveness. My Blair Lady returns the wedding ring and tells Chuck that she’s hurt, but not broken. Chuck: “Your world would be easier if I weren’t in it.” Blair: “It wouldn’t be my world without you in it.” OK, call me a cheeseball, but this scene was great!

Le delour exquise!

The next day, Slutina has FINALLY changed clothes and flown home solo to NYC. She calls Blair to admit she still hasn’t made up her mind between Nate and Dan. Shocking!

Nate takes Juliet to Norma’s (again?! Are there no other restaurants in all of Manhattan?!) and she apologizes for meddling.

Danessa goes for a walk in the park where they kiss and make up and try to make a go at being a couple again. BARF!

Louie finds Blair in front of their favorite painting, where he offers to keep the fairy tale going strong, but Blair turns him down, and admits she can’t keep running away from her problems. Meanwhile, I’m so distracted by the plump woman in the painting. She totally looks like Blair! Anyways, when Louie asks if he’ll ever see Blair again, she tries to act all cute and Cinderella-esque by giving him her jumbo clown size Louboutin. She then hobbles away on her fug cankles.

Woof! This size nine wookie shoe smells like ass!

Roofus and Lily finish Milo’s new nursery, and Roofus has a change of heart and decides to simply accept Milo as Dan’s son without any proof. UGH! What a moron! Dumb-ass Lily couldn’t be more thrilled.

Slutina then shows up at the loft (huh?!) because she was looking for her mom and the maid told her where she was (oh.) Just then, Danessa walks in all lovey-dovey, followed by Nate and Juliet holding hands. Then Roofus shows up with Milo and Slutina is utterly confused. The look on her face though is PRICELESS when she realizes that both boys have moved on. HA!

“What the eff is going on here?!”

In a “shocking” twist, Roofus finds Milo’s baby bracelet, which says he is O negative, but Dan is AB positive … DUN DUN DUN!

In a much jucier twist, Juliet is on the phone with some mysterious person, telling them that she had to “improvise” her plan, but it’s done. She’ll see them soon, and she “misses them.” Hmm! The plot thickens!

Who is her co-conspirator?!

And finally, in Paris, Chuck comes clean to Gigi about who he really is, then offers to bring her back to NYC with him. Dumb girl is atleast smart enough to say yes!

So, what did you all think? Was it good, or was it just me? Regardless, we’ll always have Paris, mon Gasmii! Leave your comments! You know you love me! Xoxo, Gossip Slife

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Mini recaps of Desperate Housewives, Mad Men, Dexter, Boardwalk Empire, The Spin Crowd and Keeping Up With the Kardashians

Desperate Housewives: Hypnotoad

The Housewives are back!  Not the bat-shit insane reality housewives that everyone loves on Bravo.  No, these Housewives are the ones we all loved 7 years ago.  And possibly 5 years ago.  Speaking of 7 years ago, Cherry and Co. have decided to go all retro on our asses and bring back two of the things we used to love about this show:  Paul Young and Felicia Tilman!  (Sadly, Edie’s still dead and plotting her next lawsuit against Marc Cherry.  Probably about assault with a Hostess Fruit Pie.)  With Felicia discovered and now in jail, and Paul roaming free on Wisteria Lane, things are about to get interesting.  Hopefully.  Even with these awesome revelations, the episode was kind of a snoozer.

Susan and her whole fam damnly have moved from Wisteria Lane and into their own li’l apartment. I’m sure it’ll take some time to get used to living in a neighborhood with no suicides, murders, or pedophiles.  Plus, they may have to live next to some black people!  Noooooo!  Susan’s landlady runs a website for ladies who clean houses in their skivvies, and apparently the pay is great.  Will Susan cave in to pressure and vacuum in her Wal-Mart bra and K-Mart panties just to pay the rent?  Probably.

Speaking of black people, Vanessa Williams joined the cast.  Not the Vanessa Williams from Melrose Place, the other, successful Vanessa Williams.  The one whose “Save the Best For Last” became every high school’s prom theme in 1992.  Renee is Lynette’s rival (honestly, what woman . . . or man . . . or child . . . ISN’T Lynette’s rival?), in that she’s rich and successful.  They fight a lot, and then Renee reveals that her perfect life is far from perfect.  Will Lynette let Renee stay with her until she’s back on her feet?  Probably.

Bree’s having a bit of a tough time.  Again.  She reveals to Gabby that it was Andrew who ran over Mama Solis, Orson leaves her and serves her with divorce papers, and she hates the wallpaper in her living room. Luckily, Brian Austin Green shows up in a wife-beater to help her redecorate . . . her vagina!  Will Bree totally bone David Silver?  Probably.

And then there’s Gabby.  She found out about Mama Solis, but refuses to tell Carlos (who shaved off his goatee — still hot, though), since he’d probably kill/gay-bash Andrew and go to jail.  Again.  Also, remember that thing about the kid mix-up in the hospital?  Suffice to say it has something to do with the Solis family.  And if you can’t figure out where I’m going from that last sentence, then you should probably not be watching t.v.  At all.  Will secrets tear the Solis family apart?  Probably.  But only until the holidays.  They’ll be back together by February.  Probably.

Dexter: Chooch

…the writers didn’t try to pull a fast one on us with this episode. With a quick recap of the past they bring us right up to point zero… Rita in the tub. I had the same feelings at that moment as I did when it happened the first time. I was never a “Rita fan” but her death still brings sadness. I think it’s more for Dexter. He tried so hard to be something other than the monster he truly is & it looked like he might have found a way to be more human. In one quick moment… it was all gone… everything he felt shut down. He became catatonic.”It was me.” was all he could say to the cop meeting him on the lawn.

As he goes thru the motions, he just can’t come to grips as to how he’s suppose to act or re-act to what has happened. In his mind, he calls out to his dead dad…”Where are you Harry?.. why aren’t you here now…?”

…His sister Deb tries to guide him thru what must be done next. She takes him to the funeral home to make the arrangements. Shades of “Six Feet Under” ran thru my mind. I half expected Nathan Fisher to greet them at the door. It would have been a nice touch. Dexter is more interested in the viewing of a deceased family member in the other room. He leaves Deb to make all the decisions while he observed how people actually act while grieving. It’s like he’s trying to learn what he’s suppose to feel.

When they return to her apartment, Dexter gets a call from Rita’s kids. They were at Disney World and wondering why they couldn’t get Rita on her phone… where was she? He assured them all was well & she was in the shower. He tells the grandparents to bring the kids to Deb’s place when they return. When Deb questioned why he didn’t tell them, he replied: “I just want them to have one more day.”

All excited & bearing Mickey Mouse ears, the kids bound into Deb’s apartment the next day. Cody proudly puts ears on Dexter & Astor displays the one for her mom with Rita sewn on the front. When he has them all sit down, he tells them something very bad happened. Without any emotion, he tells them that they’re mom was killed by ’some man.’ & adds “I’m sorry for your loss”, a phrase the funeral director had said to him. All of this is delivered while donning the Mickey Mouse ears!

The tension builds all around him & it’s not evident on his face, but Dexter is struggling to grasp what has happened & what he’s suppose to do… it all comes to an explosive, murderously bloody climax… and when that happens… Harry returns to tell Dexter what he needs to do.

What an awesome way to begin the new season. When you think they can’t possible go anywhere else with this character… they do. I can’t wait to see where this all goes from here.

Mad Men: Loula

Well, we all should have been ready for this, the official Shit’s Gettin Real episode of Mad Men. We only have 3 left after all, and take a look at what was going on around episode 10 last year. So yeah, all of a sudden we are all reminded: Oh right, Don’s identity theft isn’t just a compelling backstory, it’s fraud involving the actual goddamn US government. It’s desertion, which the Army takes pretty seriously. This is a problem! All of us, including Don, thought the worst part would be when his wife found out and their marriage crumbled, and we were all relieved when it was over. Except of course it’s not over.

Pete’s been working with North American Aviation for years now, since Sterling-Cooper, but they’re getting into more business with both SCDP and the Department of Defense, which means routine background checks for everyone. Except Don’s is not routine. Pete, who knew before Betty did, puts his ass on the line for Don, but it’s not the last we’ll see of it. Betty is admirably discreet when she is grilled about him by some scary agents, and a couple of random guys in suits scare Don into a full-on panic attack, followed by a quick confession to Dr. Faye. Oh, and also, Joan and Roger. And also Lane and his black Playboy bunny girlfriend, and his charmingly British old dad who thwacks him in the face for her existence. Oh, and Lucky Strike is leaving. Shit? Meet Fan.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Swellmel

In last night’s episode, Goth Ronald (Kris) added to her resume co-manager of a band called BG5.

Goth Ronald – “It has been my lifelong dream to manage a band. I tried to get the girls to form one, but they’re tone deaf. No one was willing to do the honorable thing and be the next Milli Vanilli so I’ll have to settle for BG5.”

 

Meanwhile Khlo-ho (Khloe) discovers just how close Rob and her good friend Malika have gotten.

Check back for the full recap on Tuesday.

The Spin Crowd: PottyMouth

Last night, The Spin Crowd went to the Hamptons. Jonathan tried to let down his hair which translated to him pranking the girls. But when they retaliate, we find out that Jonathan can dish it out but he can’t take it. Whoda guessed?

Also on the agenda is finding Summer a guy. Not just any guy mind you, a white guy. You see, Summer has only dated black men and the girls think that since she’s half white, she should give the other side a try.

Awkward matchmatching commences. Much giggling happens. I fight the urge to barf. Come back for the full recap and I’ll give you all the slutty details. See you there!

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After last week’s Tribal Council, Holly feels on the outs and bad about voting for Wendy.  “I know it’s part of the game to lie, but I don’t like it,” she says.  Appaerntly it’s also part of the game to wear a terrifying paisley top.

She’s coming for your mom’s curtains.  RUN!

The next morning, the Espada tribe has had enough of their shelter and decide to start from scratch.  Jimmy J takes charge, of course.  I’m not sure whether he’s doing this because everyone’s expecting him to or what, but it’s already a little old to be hearing all his pep talks and it’s only episode 2.  In another move you can see coming from a mile away, Jimmy T starts talking about non-shelter related fishing issues in an attempt to take control of the conversation.  When the whole tribe tells him to STFU so they can finish the actually relevant discussion, he gets all butthurt and stomps off to the water to throw a tantrum.   Is this footage from the last episode?  Because I feel like this is footage from the last episode.

La Flor.  Sash and Naonka (I know, I had to look it up too), decide that since they’re both minorities, it would make sense for them to go to the end together.  Sash also wants to bring Brenda into their plan.  I mean, nevermind that she’s generally shady and annoying and will probably screw you over: she’s not white, so she must be trustworthy!   Then Na Onka walks around with her hair up in one random scene, just to give the whole thing a hint of Erykah Badu craziness.

“I better caaaaaallll Tyroooooooooone.  Wait, he’s on the other tribe, nevermind.“

NaOnka also speculates that Kelly’s artificial leg is going to fall off once they get into a challenge involving a race.  She means a footrace, by the way, not ethnicity.  But based on the way she’s been talking, I’m sure she also expects Kelly’s leg to randomly fall off when she wanders within eight feet of a non-white.

Back at Espada, Jill (the red-haired ER doctor we saw a bit of last week) eats some snaiils.  They’re edible but they probably don’t taste good; when Holly sees Jill making disgusted faces and choking down the snails, she decides that they’re not edible, yanks the bucket out of Jills hand, and dumps them all out into the ocean.  Jill is all “WTF?” (as she should be), telling the rest of the tribe how crazypants Holly has already become by Day 4.

Holly happens to wander by while the rest of the tribe is discussing the fact that she belongs in the nuthouse; she overhears Dan (the guido looking guy) calling her “crazier than shit”, so she does what any crazy person would do: she steals his very expensive looking shoes, fills them with sand and dumps them into the lake.  “I wanted to do something to release my anger,” she tells us.  Translation: “I saw Russell last season, and I wanted to do something to get myself on television.”

As is the case with most things, I blame this on Russell Hantz.

While Dan wanders around camp looking for his shoes (which were sixteen hundred dollars, by the way), Holly decides that she’s a terrible person all of a sudden.  She calls a meeting, grabs Dan’s feet in a strange show of aggression, and tells the whole tribe that she took Dan’s shoes, recapping the process in grizzly detail, just in case they all weren’t quite ready to completely hate her yet.  “It’s a good thing you’re not a guy,” he tells her, apparently because he would knock her out if that were the case.  I don’t know, your shoes were sixteen hundred dollars and she’s wearing a paisley one-piece off the rack from Kohl’s.  I think you win.

“Oh shit, it’s about to get all Misery up in here.”

“Every time she speaks, it becomes more evident that she’s crazy,” Tyrone tells us.  Tyrone might be kind of awesome.

Yep, pretty much.

Back at La Flor, NaOnka is missing her socks and totally loses her shit about it, because we’re only twenty minutes in and we haven’t quite seen enough crazy yet, I guess.  “Bitches,” she mutters at the rest of the team before deciding that the best course of action is to steal someone else’s socks.  She ends up wearing Fabio’s, and when he comes over to ask her why she took them, she blows up at him, even though she has stolen his socks. I know.  She even throws in an “I can get loud too!” which is just absolutely blasphemous to Sandra.

Don’t worry NaOnka, he’ll probably kill himself before the end of the season.

Espada.  Jimmy J pulls Holly to the side to give her a pep talk, because if he does not give a pep talk every seven minutes, the bomb rigged to his back will explode.  He manages to quote Vince Lombardi in this one, so whoever had Episode 2 in the “Jimmy Quotes Vince Lombardi” pool can collect your winnings now.  When it’s over Holly feels better, but even she is all “I wonder if this temporary sanity will stick?  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

Immunity Challenge.  La Flor has concocted another elaborate entrance involving marching in lockstep.  Today’s challenge goes like this:  Four people people from each tribe will race through a mud pit and search through stacks of hay for a ball.  Once all four balls have been collected, the rest of the team will use wooden shields to bounce the balls into a barrel.  First team to get all four balls into the barrel wins the challenge.  The winning team will also get a reward: they can choose between a tarp and fishing gear.  Today’s Medallion of Power perk is that one ball will already be in the barrel, so only three balls will have to be found and bounced.  After some deliberation, the older team decides to go ahead and use it.

The advantage turns out to be good for the older tribe; even with the advantage, the younger tribe finds their four balls before the older tribe can find their three.  The teams are even as the ball tossing starts; it’s down to the wire and the older tribe pulls it out a split second before the younger team, so now La Flor has to vote someone out.  Turns out the Medallion of Power is actually somewhat interesting!  As for the reward, Espada chooses the fishing gear, even though they were just complaining about their shelter.  Typical old people.

“WHO GOT ALL THIS MUD ALL OVER THE PLACE?  Younger tribe, you’re grounded.”

Back at camp, Espada celebrates their win and checks out their reward, which contains another immunity idol clue.  They post it on a tree and work together to decipher some of the clues.  When they figure out that the idol is buried 15 yards west of a tree, people start digging near random trees, which is essentially pointless.  Jill figures out that the clue means to dig 15 feet west of the treemail (somehow equating “treeman” to “treemail” which: worst clue ever).  She decides to tell Marty, since she wants to be in an alliance with him, and sure enough, he finds it pretty quickly.

“I’m so excited I could middle-manage something!  Fetch me a TPS report.”

Meanwhile, La Flor is moping.  Shannon has collected a group of five people to vote off Brenda, including Chase.  On the other side of camp, Na Onka admits that she was wrong about Kelly’s artificial leg, which is the lone bright spot for her in this episode.  Now, back to acting like an ethnic stereotype!  NaOnka and Brenda sit in the water discussing the vote; they have decided that Shannon is the ringleader of the people against them, and they want to get rid of him.  NaOnka also tells Brennda about Sash’s idea to form an alliance of minorities, and to her credit, she laughs uproariously at the ridiculousness of the concept.  Brenda thinks she can get five people to get rid of Shannon, with their three, Kelly Purple (seriously, that is what they are calling the other Kelly) and Chase.

Speaking of Chase, he’s decided that something is off about Shannon and that he can’t be trusted (YES), and narcs him out to Brenda, telling her that people are gunning to vote her out tonight.  Alina overhears this conversation (probably because no one knows that someone named “Alina” is even on the show), telling Shannon and the rest of the group that Chase is betraying them to keep Brenda around.

Tribal Council.  Get ready for some bullshit, y’all.

Probst begins by asking Shannon a general question about camp life, which he takes as an opportunity to start talking a bunch of shit about Chase.  ”He’d better hope his girlfriend stays with him tonight, or he’ll be going home next.”  How, exactly?  Shannon clearly knows that he’s screwed here, so he continues to fire at Chase, who tries to defend himself by telling Jeff that he’s been working with them both since the start.  “I’m just letting him know he goes next,”  Shannon keeps repeating.  How is that, exactly?  He’s magically eliminated by default? A meteor falls on him?

“Logic is for gays from NEW YORK.”

“You’re pretty much digging your own grave,” Sash tells Shannon, who just will not. Stop. Talking.  “I’m gonna ask you something, are you gay?” Shannon randomly says.  Sash smiles.  “I’ve probably gotten more pretty girls than you,” he tells Shannon, “I’d like tos ee you work your magic in New York.”  Shannon’s response?  “New York is full of gay people.”  Where did they find these people this season?

Fabio tries to get them to calm down, which draws Jeff’s ire, for some reason.  “Get your head out of the trees, Fabio,” he says, digging all of the drama going down.  When NaOnka starts yapping about something or other, Jeff accuses her of being in the trees too (he only has room for one insult in his head, you see), and NaOnka tells him she doesn’t want to be in any fictional tree with Fabio, thank you very much, because she hates him.  This face gets made:

That’s racist.

To recap, we’ve spent the last ten minutes watching a guy from Louisiana act as ignorant as possible, then watched a black female act as bitchy as possible.  What other stereotypes can we reinforce during this hour?  Maybe Brenda can drive her car into a telephone pole or something, I don’t know.  Jesus, show, get it together.

“Can we vote?” Fabio begs, because he is the only person here with any dignity left, strangely.  After something boring from Kelly B, Probst obliges him.  We see Fabio vote for Brenda, we see Brenda vote Shannon and vice versa, and we see Sash vote Shannon.  When the votes are read, there are three for Shannon and three for Brenda before Shannon gets all the rest of them, and he is thankfully done early.  Nicely done, everyone.  I appreciate it.

Also, the exiled contestants now have to exit through a graveyard.  A little too on the nose, show.

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In Pohang, South Korea…wait…this is Hawaii Five-0. South Korea isn’t close to Hawaii! And it’s not even an island!     Right? Google confirms! US Military is transporting a prisoner, who is apparently a weapons dealer who’s pretty deep in the terrorism game. The arms dealer starts showing off how much he knows of our hero just to prove that he’s done his homework on the guy who’s been chasing him around the world for the past five years. The phone rings. It’s Dad. Our hero is about to ignore it when the arms dealer tells him he should answer it, because he doesn’t speak to his dad nearly enough.

Worried Face!

He answer the phone, and it’s his dad…who’s being held at gunpoint! By SPIKE?!?!?! He’s the arms dealer’s brother! The tragic anti-hero returns! The ladies swoon! Spike takes the phone, and he and McGarrett chit chat about the weather, baseball, and little things like trading dad for brother.

Dad talks Spike into giving him the phone back, and tells his kid that he loves him, and that no matter what he can’t give in to the bad guys. Spike snatches the phone back and pistol whips the shit out of him.

McGarrett tells Spike that he’ll hunt him down and kill him, but just then a helicopter comes over the horizon. Somehow the pilot knows exactly which car the arms dealer is being held in, because he blows the other two up! That’s a risky move, blowing up 2/3 of a prisoner transport when you’re trying to save the prisoner…

Rambo McGarrett drags his prisoner out of the transport unit and starts shooting everyone. Everyone is dead except Rambo and his prisoner, who uses a brief window of opportunity to run over to a body and pick up a gun. McGarrett shoots him in the neck!

OUCH!!!

Just then, big bro calls, and is quite displeased to hear of his brother’s death. So displeased, in fact, that he shoots dad in the head! NO!

But then again, what kind of Cop TV show worth a damn would have a hero that doesn’t have a tragic backstory, right? So it’s probably a good sign that old man McGarrett bit the dust.

INTRO!

They kept the same theme music! Nice!

My first thought regarding this show is how glad I am to see Grace Park (of Battlestar Galactica fame) back on TV. Finally.

When McGarrett lands back on Hawaii, he’s met by the governor. She tells him that she’s sent out APBs all across the island, and he tells her that there’s no way she’s going to catch Spike with roadblocks, because he’s gone into hiding.

She tells him that she’s putting together a special task force. She promises him the immunity and means that he’ll need to take down Spike and other such baddies now that the trusty ol’ wooden stake won’t do. Somehow, though, the promise of full clearance to blow shit up isn’t enough for our hero, and he passes on her offer, but she hands him her business card before she leaves.

Next up we see Jin (ok, ok, his name isn’t Jin, it’s Chin-Ho Kelly, but he’ll always be Jin to me) comes in as if from nowhere, talking about how the Chief of Police is  from the mainland and has no idea how the island works. Is this a LOST crossover?

UDDERS???

Little James Caan, aka Scott Caan, aka Danno is on the phone with someone about getting a warrant. Apparently, despite what Jin had to say, someone is trying to figure out who popped McGarrett’s dad. At least briefly. There’s a large pink bunny in the passenger seat, which we meet with confusion. He gets out of the car and runs up to meet his daughter (we assume thanks to the hug), and then asks what she’s got in her hand. It’s a bunny. A real one. Her step-dad bought it for her for animal show and tell.

Just a hare better than the carnival toy I bought you…

Daddy Danno and daughter take off for school, and we’re back to McGarrett, who is illegally trespassing on a crime scene…his dad’s house. He does a little CSI work before wandering into the garage. Somehow, the fact that his dad called him “Champ”  on the phone leads him to believe that there’s something really important in the toolbox with the “Champ” sticker on it. With zero regard for the fact that he’s slapping his own fingerprints all over the house, he opens it. Inside is a key! And a cassette player!!!

He listens to the tape – apparently Dad was investigating some crooked cops. Just then Danno busts in! And there’s shouting and yelling and gun pointing and penis-measuring!   They show each other their….IDs! And the guns get put away. Danno tells him he can’t be there because it’s an active crime scene. McGarrett tries to show off his sleight of hand by attempting to sneak the tool box out with him.

It doesn’t go so well…

Danno calls him out, and tells him to leave the box. McGarrett calls the Governor! McGarrett swears an oath over a cell phone! WTF. He takes the box, tells Danno that it’s his crime scene, and walks out.

BOOM. McGarrett’ed

Some time later, McGarrett pays a surprise visit to Danno, and tries to get up to speed on the case. Danno seems a bit bitter that his crime scene was yanked away from him like that. It turns out that Danno had a wire put on a guy named Danton, who is a suspected arms dealer and who may or may not have killed someone else with the same gun that killed McG’s dad. McG then forces Danno to join his team.

On the car ride out, Danno’s wife calls, and thanks to the fact that he’s got the screeching violins from Psycho as the ringtone for her, McG astutely deduces that the marriage didn’t end so well. The have an adorable conversation centering on the fact that Danno does not like being in Hawaii, and is only there because his wife remarried and took their kid there.

Our courageous duo arrive in a trailer park, apparently where Danton is hanging out. McG is a little bit too gung-ho and just charges forward towards the trailer in which Danton is suspected to be living. Danno’s warning about how they should ask for backup was pretty well justified, it seems, as this Danton prick busts out a little Pacino action.

Yeah, yeah…little friend…we get it…

He just starts randomly shooting, and almost shoots his girlfriend, and then hits Danno through the wall! Danno down!! McG, in his infinite wisdom, checks to see that Danno is ok, then just runs in the door that was just shot out by Daton and his assault rifle.

Apparently this is one of those cases where size doesn’t so much matter, since Danton, with his assault rifle, is running away from a guy with a .38. WTF. Just stand and shoot him, maybe…but whatever. McG chases him out the back of his trailer, and there’s a really cool action scene where apparently a guy doesn’t notice that there’s a car stopped in the road and runs into it at full speed while McG slides across the trunk.

This wouldn’t be necessary if they’d stop giving driver’s licenses to old people…

McG and Daton have a nice little standoff, and Danno comes out of nowhere and shoots Danton in the back of the head. Well, I guess you could say the Danton lead is a dead end…

McG heads back inside the trailer, and finds a little Asian girl. She’s Chinese. I know this because he asks her what her name is in Mandarin and she responds in kind. Three semesters barely passing Chinese in college was not wasted on this moment here!!! How McG knows Chinese is a bit unclear, however apparently off camera he has a whole conversation with the girl and learns that she was smuggled in from China a few days ago with her family, and was sold to Doran.

We get another “we’re not emotional, we’re just angry at each other” moment from McG and Danno…it seems that Danno is mad that McG won’t say “thanks for saving my life,” and McG is mad because Danno shot their only lead.

So now that their only lead is dead, they need a new place to start. Since there’s clearly got to be a connection between the Chinese girl and McG’s dad’s murder, they decide to work the kidnapped Asian girl angle. So…where should they start?

lol racist….

So they try to get Jin to tell them something about who might be running the smuggling ring that brought the girl in, because they think that it may be the same people who are helping Spike escape. He doesn’t want to talk, though, because he’d basically be a sitting duck for retribution. It comes out that Jin was let go from the Hawaii PD because he was accused of being on the take. Of course he didn’t actually take the money, because Jin would never do something like that! McG believes him because daddy McG trusted him, and so Jin joins the team!

Jin gets them a meet & greet with his informant from back in the day, since that’s what informants (especially the confidential kind) do. Anyways, they bribe him, and he’ll only talk to Jin, so McG and Danno have to wait by the car.

If these two don’t look like cops, I don’t know who does…

A little asian girl who’s about 5 years old asks them if they’re cops, because they “look like cops.” lol. Remember that large pink bunny that Danno had in his car earlier in the episode? Well, he gives it to the little girl to get her to leave. Convenient, right? The good news is, they got a name for the human trafficker.

After a brief discussion at the police station, they determine that in order to get to Spike, they’ll need leverage on this smuggler. How do they plan on doing that, you ask? The plan is to send in someone with a wire to get this guy to implicate himself, so they can force him to give them the info they need.

So who will be this mysterious undercover? I’m glad you asked.

Grace Park! AKA Boomer!!! AKA Athena! AKA Sharon! AKA #8!!!! AKA the hottest frakin’ toaster I’ve ever seen!

So before the mission starts, the boys have a little heart-to-heart on the beach over a cold brew, and the next thing you know they’re BFF. It’s amazing what a cold beer can do, isn’t it?

So Boomer heads in and feeds this greasy-looking Asian guy a story about how she wants to get her aunt and uncle out of China, and how she’ll be able to pay because she works two jobs. Greasy Asian guy notices sand in her hair, and gets worried that she’s a cop. He asks her to take off her dress, and the male contingency on this side of the TV is like “yes please!”

Clearly there’s no wire…

GAG takes a pic and we’re all like “he’s gonna post it on the internets!” but instead he tells her he’s sending it to a guy he knows to find out if she’s a cop! They trace the text message, and it goes to someone in the HPD office! He texts back!!

CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR C00L!!!1!!

So GAG pulls out a gun, but instead of just shooting her, he takes a page out of the TV Villain’s Handbook and lets his goons attack her first. The fat guy in the back is a bit slow to react, so Boomer already has the first two goons on the ground when he finally gets up and starts heading her way. He’s got a gun, so this could be a problem, even for a cylon! But then

ROFLSTOMPED!

McG and team come crashing through the wall of the building in a semi! How did they hide it?!?!? Large trucks aren’t that easy for surveillance equipment to overlook!!! GAG starts shooting with some kind of automatic weapon, then runs out the back! McG runs out the side door to stop him! He starts shooting at the car, but he can’t kill the guy or hill never find Spike!!! So he tries to shoot the wheel!!!

McG…this is the windshield. It is nowhere near the wheel. L2AIM. This is bad even by Stormtrooper standards.

His last shot hits the wheel, and the car smashes into a shipping container. GAG is apprehended! Then they hear something in the shipping container! It’s the rest of the smuggled Chinese people. The little girl from earlier is reunited with her family!

GAG is tied to a chair, and isn’t being very cooperative. So what does McG do? Offer a plea bargain? Immunity? Nope. He goes straight for the family. Reminds GAG that once he goes to jail, his family will be sent back to Rowanda, and his 7 year old boy is old enough to be forcefully recruited into the militia there. GAG gets choked up and agrees to help .

It turns out that Spike is on a freighter bound for China! McG and Danno are headed there in a hurry, and request that the Coast Guard prevent the ship from leaving. They get to the dock and the ship is still there! Rather than taking the conventional approach and maybe attempting to sneak aboard, McG revs the engine and drives the police car straight onto the ship. Asian people start shooting at them!!

Things are getting super intense! Danno is shooting everyone, and Spike jumps out of nowhere (just like in the old days!!!) and starts seriously whooping up on McG! And then McG gets kicked off the top of the cargo box they were fighting on!!!

This is precisely why you don’t fuck with vampires. Even if they no longer have their bleached-blonde hair…

McG is laying on his back on the windshield of some piece of construction equipment, and he looks over and sees a gun! Serendipitous! Spike reloads his AK-FO’TY SEVEN! and takes aim. McG grabs the gun and shoots! Spike is down and it is bad! He fell into the water!! Danno finds one live Asian gunman and asks McG what he should do with him. What do you think the answer is?!?

Book ‘im, Danno!

So the gang regroups later on at their new office, sit around and talk, and there’s this super cute cheesy bit where Boomer suggests that they need a name for their little team. Jin says something in Hawaiian and they all laugh at him. Boom suggests “Strike Force” and we all LOL because that’s the kind of name a 6 year old would suggest. What do you think they’ll call themselves? ZOMG MYSTERY!!!!

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Did you watch the season premiere of SNL? A-Po did an awesome job, and the show was pretty good for a premiere! It had it’s low moments, but for the most part it was funny–they had tons of surprise guests like Tiny Fey, Jimmy Fallon, JT, Maya Rudolph, and even the real Governor Paterson…not bad, eh? Katy Perry’s acting didn’t impress me, but I loved her Bronx Beat segment with Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph. Amy, and Maya were hilarious with her…and Katy was a great sport making fun of herself, and her girls.

Amy’s line killed me, “Looks like today’s show was brought to you by the number 38, and letter DD.”

Check it out:

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