Chelsea Handler Receives a Very Dirty Love Note From a Guest (VIDEO)

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Chelsea Handler Receives a Very Dirty Love Note From a GuestMaroon 5 singer Adam Levine was the guest on the new ‘Chelsea Lately’ (weeknights, 11PM ET on E!). And for once, a male celebrity guest showed some restraint, and didn’t hit on host Chelsea Handler. Instead, Levine read a note from another celebrity … who was hitting on Chelsea. Excellent! Way to mix things up!

Somehow or other, Adam had obtained the “guest book,” which is signed by the people who appear on the talk show. He then decided to read from it. “I have selected something that I’d like to share with the audience,” he said. Uh-oh. Brace yourselves.

 

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Saturday Night Live Power Rankings: It’s Fred Armisen’s Time To Shine

Share photos on twitter with TwitpicAfter Saturday Night Live went through one of its most active off-seasons in recent memory — two castmembers departed (one of their own volition, one not), while four newbies were hired — the cast and crew who call Studio 8H their home gathered to start working on the show’s 36th season. Creative turbulence issues aside, the show continues to go on, as it did on Saturday night when host Amy Poehler and musical guest Katy Perry’s Breasts kicked off a new season to strong interest from the public at large; Deadline.com reports that the show’s ratings were up a stellar 15% from last season’s debut.

Due to this increased level of interest and what can only be described as a bull market for television recaps on the Information Superhighway, we here at BWE.tv decided that we’d approach the show differently this year. Rather than doing a regular ole rundown of the evening’s sketches and musical performances, we decided to put our focus on the people who make the magic happen (or, depending on the night, don’t make anything happen whatsoever): the show’s cast. More specifically, our aim is to come up with a ranking system that illustrates how valuable each of the show’s cast members are to the show during any given episode and, subsequently, the entire season. So we’ve dusted off our Texas Instruments calculators and started doing some qualitative analysis that will hopefully show AND tell the importance of each of the show’s 13 regular castmembers1.

So, after one episode of the show, who do YOU think the show’s most valuable cast member is? Follow along for our highly scientific analysis.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE POWER RANKINGS: 9/25/10 (Host: Amy Poehler; Musical Guest: Katy Perry)
1 (tie). Bill Hader, Fred Armisen (36 points): It makes perfect sense that the show’s two most-gifted chameleons are leading the way out of the gate this season. Armisen’s ability not to crack while performing an impression of New York state Governor David Paterson with Paterson sitting right next to him was this week’s most talked about moment that didn’t include Katy Perry’s heaving rack, and Hader garnered big laughs in both the Ladies Who Lunch (aka Tiny Hats) and Ground Zero Mosque sketches. These veterans will be tough to top as the year progresses.

3. Kristin Wiig (34 points): With the possible exception of Kenan Thompson, Wiig stood above the rest when it came to being last season’s workhorse and MVP. However, there does seem to be a nagging sense that audiences are over Wiig. She is entering her sixth season on the show and hasn’t launched a breakout character for quite some time. Although she appeared in a number of sketches this week, nothing she did really connected with the audience, save for maybe her angry chewing in the Ladies Who Lunch sketch.

4 (tie). Jason Sudeikis, Andy Samberg (25 points): Sudeikis really stepped up his game last year, both on the show and as a tabloid presence. If he puts together a good season, he could find himself as the face of the show. Sadly, his performances this weekend were mediocre across the board. Same goes for Sandberg, who failed to make an impression in his digital short, Boogerman, and his a 1:1 appearance with Justin Timberlake (who, by the by, needs to stop hanging around the set so often!). Is the Andy Samberg era coming to a close?

6. Abby Elliott (21 points): Word on the street is that this controversial performer barely survived the summer, but somehow she managed to score herself a promotion from a featured player to a full reporatory member. Many fans of the program are angry that Elliott stayed while Jenny Slate was shown the door, and Elliott’s subpar performances in The Lean Years and as Brooke Hogan didn’t do much to win those folks over. This will be a make or break year for Elliott.

7. Jay Pharoah (18 points): Pharoah made the biggest impression of the four newcomers this week thanks to his keen impression of Will Smith during a Weekend Update segment. He seemed a smidge nervous and didn’t quite tear the house down, but he did well for his first time. Looking forward to seeing his contributions increase as the year progresses.

8. Vanessa Bayer (17 points): Of the four new cast members, Bayer was able to work her way into the most number of sketches. Being that it was her first episode, though, this iO alum didn’t get a chance to do anything than perform general set-up duties.

9. Bobby Moynihan (16 points): Moynihan, like Elliott, also got promoted over the summer. He didn’t show much of his stuff in this episode, though. In particular, his impression of Hurley in The Unwatchables parody commercial was cringeworthy.

10. Kenan Thompson (14 points): As Fred Willard once asked, “Wha happened?” Kenan had a breakthrough year during the show’s 35th season, but he was virtually invisible this week. Is he in Lorne’s doghouse? His activity level in the Bryan Cranston/Kanye West episode this weekend will speak volumes.

11. Taran Killam (13 points): He’s the guy who did the Steven Slater impression, which got one of the biggest laughs of the night. We’re not sure how much of that was due to newcomer Killam’s skill, though, and how much was due to the residual popularity of the Jet Blue folk hero.

12. Nasim Pedrad (12 points): Meep! Pedrad showed promise last year, her first on the show. She outwitted, outplayed and outdueled Jenny Slate to keep her position as a repertory player on the cast, but didn’t have many chances to shine on the live show on Saturday. That said, when she did get a crack (playing Poehler’s famous Kaitlin character in one sketch and Edie Falco in another), she got laughs. We would be shocked if she stayed in this position much longer.

13. Paul Brittain (11 points): This new guy didn’t get much face time at all. Does he have game? Too early to say.

So, after all that, you must be curious about the method to our madness. Well, it goes a little something like this:

  • Appearance: We assign a score to every cast member for every bit that airs in a given episode, save musical appearances. If a cast member appears in a bit, even if its just as a background performer, they are awarded one point. If they speak in said bit, they are awarded two total points. If they are one of the leads in the skit, they are awarded three total points. And if they appear as a recurring character (like Fred did this weekend on two separate occasions), they get five total points.
  • Performance: If a performer actually says or does something noteworthy in a skit, they are automatically assigned 3 points. If the performance is very good to excellent, they can receive up to 5 total points in a skit. On the flip side, if they flub their lines, corpse or otherwise suck, points can be subtracted, with one being the lowest score one could achieve.

Hopefully, this scale in which a performer can receive between 0 and 10 points per bit makes sense. If you’re looking for an individual breakdown on a sketch-by-sketch basis, simply click on the image below to enlarge.

Questions? Comments? Thoughts?

1. For the purposes of this countdown, we’re not counting Seth Meyers to be a “regular” cast member. Why? Because he rarely makes appearances outside of Weekend Update these days.

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WHAT ARE THE ODDS: The Amazing Race 17

Welcome to a new feature here at BWE.tv called “What Are The Odds,” where we get out our invisi-culators and present you with various odds that you can easily take with you to Las Vegas, thereby earning you hundreds of thousands of wasted minutes of your time.

This week, we look at the brand new teams competing on The Amazing Race 17. Following the season premiere, we feel we have a better idea of just exactly how these teams will fare on our favorite reality show. So what are the odds that each team has of winning the coveted $1 million prize? Read and find out:

Andie and Jenna

BACKGROUND: Andie and Jenna are the tear-jerkers of the season. Andie gave Jenna up for adoption when she was 21 years old, and they are really only meeting for the first time on The Amazing Race. Now the potential for drama with this team is off the charts: They’ve never been stressed out together, much less even had so much as a meal together. But alas, this is not a Maury Povich reunion featuring two rabid animals. Andie and Jenna seem to be all too well adjusted. Sadly, we predict this to be their downfall: Because the communication lines are so weak, and because these ladies seem to be walking on egg shells with each other, they lack that fire, that energy, needed to take a team to the finish line.

ODDS OF WINNING: 250 to 1.
VERDICT: Too tame to win the game.

Brook and Claire

BACKGROUND: Brook and Claire have all the makings to be an annoying all-female team. By day, they are co-hosts on a home shopping television channel, although which one is never specified. If they’re selling knives on cable access at 3 AM, their chances of winning will have skyrocketed. On the downside, they love to scrapbook. Their perkiness initially seemed cloying (until we met Miss Kentucky, beauty pageant winner/possible meth addict, whom we’ll address later). Until the slingshot heard round the world happened, and Claire took a watermelon into the face. A GIF, to remind:

Not old-timey enough for you? Then please, enjoy this other GIF:

Now, while this scene did raise a few question — How did she not die? How did her face not shatter? How is she not the show’s first ghost-testant? — it did make me realize something: Claire is actually unbelievably awesome. She barely complained, didn’t cry, and finished the task minutes later. Sure, her face was numb, she was blind, and possibly brain-damaged, but she seriously did not complain nearly enough!! Claire’s only downfall might be her partner, who we’re still side-eyeing, but overall, the makings of a strong team.

ODDS OF WINNING: 5 to 1.
VERDICT: Might be tough competitors down the line; will have good charisma with locals round the globe. Bonus points for not dying after getting hit in the face with a watermelon.

Chad and Stephanie

BACKGROUND: He’s a football playing jock, she’s the blond hairstylist. He plans on asking her to marry him during the race, she just hopes he doesn’t raise a hand to her face. He has temper issues. Her roots will probably grow out. Together, they’re one of the few teams that have the volatility that make for great reality show fodder. But win the race? Unlikely.

ODDS OF WINNING: 40 to 1.
VERDICT: She seems nice. He’s a prick. And so, the show has begun.

Connor and Jonathan

BACKGROUND: Oh Jesus No. Just when I thought Will rapping on Glee was a new television low point, CBS goes and puts two Ivy League A Capella singers on the race. They… they singeverything. They sing directions, they sing Phil’s name, they sing clues. They’re also very smart, meaning they could weasel their way into the Top 5 teams, assuming they manage to avoid being murdered by the locals.

ODDS OF WINNING: 12 to 1.
VERDICT: Small, stealthy and smart. If they’re brains don’t get in the way, they could have a shot.

Gary and Mallory

BACKGROUND: Mallory is a former Miss Kentucky who puts the word ‘gasm in enthusiasm. She is always screaming. Screaming and weeping like that fateful day she earned her most beloved crown. Her Dad Gary seems like a fantastic guy. Despite every ounce of my being telling me to hate on Mallory, I just can’t. She’s infectious and hilarious, and her down to Earth Dad puts them over the top. That being said, they will probably lose.

ODDS OF WINNING: 60 to 1.
VERDICT: Surprisingly likable, but Gary’s age and beer belly might literally get in the way of winning.

Jill and Thomas

BACKGROUND: Not sure why these two were cast, really, seeing as Jill’s bitchface is one of the most unlikable things I’ve ever laid eyes on. She is basically Parker Posey in the movie Waiting for Guffman: Gum-snappin, not smiling, confused much of the time, and a fantastic dancer (probably). Thomas seems nice enough and has never appeared in any Christopher Guest films.

ODDS OF WINNING: 200 to 1.
VERDICT: Dumb.

Nick and Vicki

BACKGROUND: I just can’t. I can’t.

ODDS OF WINNING: 1,000,000 to 1.
VERDICT: Really f*cking dumb.

Katie and Rachel

BACKGROUND: Hot blond volleyball players who can probably outrun most other teams and can’t definitely out-spike/beat the sh*t out of all of them. So far, they appear to be one of the strongest teams, physically and mentally. Is this the year a female team finally takes it??

ODDS OF WINNING: 4 to 1.
VERDICT: Our early pick for the winner.

Michael and Kevin

BACKGROUND: Kevin is absolutely adorable, a peach, who decided to make his father a viral video star. Why, you ask? Well, how do we put this… without sounding offensive… his father might be slightly mentally retarded. We’re really not saying this to shock — we seriously kind of think it. I mean, camman: Look at their photo. LOOK AT IT. We realllllly like these guys, but watching them sink in that boat last night told us what we already knew: They have no chance.

ODDS OF WINNING: 1000 to 1.
VERDICT: They’re to sweet to be mean about, but seriously, look at that picture.

Nat and Kat

BACKGROUND: These ladies are doctors — and possibly girlfriends? — who are taking their Grey’s Anatomy shtick to the reality TV world. They’re smart, they’re attractive, and they’ll likely go far. We are really hoping for a female team win this year — 16 seasons and not one yet!! — and hope that they don’t run head first into an Oprah marathon, thus putting them in last place.

ODDS OF WINNING: 8 to 1.
VERDICT: They will “accidentally” drown the a capella boys.

Ron and Tony

BACKGROUND: Poor Ron and Tony. POOR RON AND TONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loooove Ron and Tony. This sweet, musical-theater loving duo arrived in London in first place, only to drive for hours in the wrong direction and end up in last place. LAST PLACE. They have now been eliminated from the race. Why didn’t they stop and ask for directions? Why? Who is going to choreograph an airplane dance routine now? The Princeton guys? Kill me.

ODDS OF WINNING: 1 to 1 (in the race to my heart).
VERDICT: They may have lost the race, but we will thankfully be able to see their gorgeous faces in the opening credits for the next two and a half months or so.

Who are you guys rooting for? Commentssssssssssssssssssss!

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NFL WEEK 3 RECAP: They’re Not Taking The Loss Well

Cowboys 27, Texans 13

Any idea if I can exchange my ticket on the Texans bandwagon for a transfer on the “Cowboys Aren’t Done Yet” bandwagon? Or is that only during off-peak?

Cardinals 24, Raiders 23

The highest-paid kicker in NFL history missed a 32-yard field goal as time expired to cost the Raiders the game, finally giving Raiders fans something to be upset about this decade.

With every loss, Tom Cable keeps looking more and more like a gangster from a Guy Ritchie movie:


Steelers 38, Buccaneers 13

The Steelers moved to 3-0 on a surprisingly solid performance by (4th-string) backup QB Charlie Batch, though the announcers never explained the white substance on his nose during this sideline celebration:

Sunblock? Or were the teams wearing their 80s-throwback sidelines?


Titans 29, Giants 10

This game was a total mess, with the Giants turning the ball over approximately 15 times inside the Red Zone. Number of “Appalled Tom Coughlin” Reaction Shots during this broadcast? ERR: UNDEFINED.


Bengals 20, Panthers 7

I chuckled a bit when I flipped to this game in time to hear the announcer say “There’s an injured Panther on the field – we’ll be right back.” Figured it was unlikely, but I really wanted that to be followed by “How the hell’d that panther get down there??”

The game itself wasn’t very close. For the sake of unnecessary meanness, here’s a photo of Jimmy Clausen’s WWE-style entrance along with his stats for the day:


Ravens 24, Browns 17

The Browns briefly led this game and kept it within one score the entire time, but they’re now 0-3 and solidly last in the division. Also, I’m pitching this photo to VH1 as a reality series:


Chiefs 31, 49ers 10

The Chiefs dominated San Francisco at Arrowhead to move to a surprising 3-0 mark, sending the 49ers to an equally surprising 0-3. After the game, chiefs head coach Todd Haley was excited, but measured:

If you missed the highlight, check out Chiefs tight end Tony Moeaki’s absurd touchdown catch. I wanted to vote for it on ESPN.com as the “NIKE BOOM Moment of the weekend”:

As someone whose job is financed by often-stupid web ads and sponsor tie ins, I still couldn’t not laugh at that poll. What are the criteria for something being the NIKE BOOM Moment of the week? Whichever play is the most BOOM? At least have your sponsored thing form a sentence.


Vikings 24, Lions 10

I was on the subway in Brooklyn right after this game ended and shared a car with a fortysomething dude in a Fran Tarkenton jersey and a viking helmet blowing a viking horn and yelling “WHO DEY????” over and over. Congratulations, that guy, for beating the Detroit Lions at home to improve to 1-2.


Patriots 38, Bills 30

And for the third straight week, my Suicide Pool pick against the Bills pays off. I feel like a grade school gym teacher betting money against the fat kid then feeling bad when it keeps working out (teachers gamble on children, right? I’ve never been a teacher.) Bill Belichick shares my sympathies:


Falcons 27, Saints 24 (OT)

Saints kicker Garrett Hartley missed a 29-yard field goal in overtime as the defending champs suffered their first loss of the season, though they’ve looked shaky in all three games, possibly due to those ostentatious Super Bowl rings they received:

Lamest joke of the Recap? Ehhhh I think I can top it…


Rams 30, Redskins 16

So much for the Redskins’ 1-0 start; they dropped this one to the Rams handily to fall to 1-2, with Donovan McNabb’s return to Philly looming in Week 4. Also, as part of the NFL’s ongoing effort to expand interest by holding games at neutral sites, this game was played in Hell:


Eagles 28, Jaguars 3

Philly slaughtered the Jaguars on the road this week to snag first place in the NFC East. Michael Vick’s dominant performance gave the traveling Eagles fans reason to show off their incredible talents at slogan-writing and graphic design:


Seahawks 27, Chargers 20

The Chargers are off to another slow start, falling to 1-2 after allowing two 99+ yard kick return TDs to Seattle’s Leon Washington. As the saying goes, a really sad picture of a coaching staff is worth 1,000 really sad words:


Jets 31, Dolphins 23

Even Marc Anthony and Fergie couldn’t spur the Dolphins to victory for this Sunday-nighter. Miami should know, if you want to pump up a group of 24-year old black guys, you should really stick to blasting Jimmy Buffett.


Colts 27, Broncos 13

The Colts took this emotional game in Denver to win their second straight after an opening-week loss to the Texans. Not many funny photos from this game, so here’s Marc Anthony again:

NFL Week 3 Reactions? Anything amusing we missed? Frustrations to let out in blog comment form? Leave ‘em in the comments.

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Max Weinberg Won’t Follow Conan To TBS

From the Huffington Post:

Conan O’Brien‘s longtime bandleader Max Weinberg isn’t following him to TBS.

O’Brien confirmed Monday that Weinberg won’t be joining him on “Conan,” his new late-night program set to debut in November. Weinberg had been O’Brien’s musical sidekick for 17 years, on both “Late Night” and the “Tonight Show.”

“Max has been a huge part of my life for the past 17 years and he is an incredible band leader and musician,” O’Brien said in a statement. “I hope he can find time to stop by the show, sit in with the band and pretend to find my monologue funny.”

Weinberg, who’s also the drummer for Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band, said his time with O’Brien and crew was “a deeply rewarding experience” and that he does “look forward to dropping by.”

Guitarist Jimmy Vivino will take over as bandleader, a “Conan” spokesman said.

First of all, I am completely shocked that Jimmy Vivino’s name isn’t Jimmy Levino.  I’ve honestly thought it was Jimmy Levino since 1998 when I first saw Late Night with Conan O’Brien. (I grew up in Houston, TX where for many years the show did not air until 2:40 in the morning. I didn’t know the show existed until the summer between 8th and 9th grade when I first routinely started staying up until 4:00 AM.)  I don’t even know what kind of name I thought Levino was.  Some sort of Mexican/Jewish hybrid of a name I guess.

Secondly, I… don’t really, like… care that much about Max Weinberg?  I always liked Joel Godard more, but he didn’t even make it through to the move to NBC.  Also, you know what?  I think maybe the whole talk show format is outdated.  I’m sure, as far as talk shows go, Conan’s new show will be good, but, honestly, how much longer are we going to do this thing where we watch a person deliver four minutes of toothless current even jokes followed by pointless interviews with inceasingly less impressive “stars” who talk about what a “geek” they were in highschool? You weren’t a “geek.”  Shut up.  And you do too know what clip they’re going to show.  Don’t be an assh*le.

Yikes, this post got negative very quickly for no reason at all.

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The Best Rich People Lunch In History

Is that… Jay-Z, Warren Buffett, and Steve Forbes?  Yes.  Yes it is!  And are they all drinking exceedingly gay milk shakes?*  Two of ‘em are!  Apparently Forbes.com made this happen:

The first Forbes 400 Summit was surreal, amazing and, in the end, moving. We gassed up a Gulfstream 450 one warm September morning and flew one of the most successful recording artists of all time, Jay-Z, to meet the most successful investor of all time, Warren Buffett, on the latter’s home turf of Omaha, Neb. The intent was to capture their very different perspectives on success and wealth and to talk about the social obligations that come with each. They ended up finding out they had more in common than anyone would have expected between a 40-year-old rapper from the Brooklyn projects and the 80-year-old sage of compounded returns.

Jay-Z should write a song about this lunch that is the opposite of Hard Knock Life.  I can’t imagine what tip they could have left for the waiter that wouldn’t have been disappointing.

*No homo.*

*Please don’t murder me, Jay-Z.*

*I’m not afraid of you, Warren.*

*Steve’s got a weird Wallace and Gromit face.

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Man Segways Into the Afterlife By Riding Off Cliff

Here is one of those rare tragic stories that you will feel terrible about after finding funny. But really, it’s sad. No, really.

Jimi Heselden is a British entrepreneur who, back in December, took over the company that manufactures Segways. Once billed as the device that was going to revolutionize the transportation industry, the Segway ended up becoming a device that revolutionized how stupid security guards look at shopping malls. The Segway was the Edsel of the new Millennium.

But Mr. Heselden did not let that stop his dream of taking over a company that had in a way turned into a first-world joke. He had big dreams. BIG dreams. He was going to show those people that rolled their eyes at him at the company Christmas party. He would take the Segway to the top.

Of a cliff. And then fall off of it.

And that is exactly how Jimi Heselden died. Riding his Segway off of a cliff.

It’s a tragic story, certainly. But in this day and age where the internet can make a previously unknown man instantaneously famous, it’s a story that must be shared. We’re just sad Jimi only saw the fame he thought his Segway deserved as a result of his death.

Why did it have to be him?? Why God? Why couldn’t you have taken one of the dozens of other people on Earth who own this deadly device?? Someone, like, say, for instance:


Raven-Symoné

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BOARDWALK EMPIRE RECAP: Is This “I Love Money?”

This is a Recap of Boardwalk Empire Episode 2, “The Ivory Tower”, originally airing September 26, 2010. If you thought the first episode was Olde Timey Gangstery, then hoo boy, you were correct in that evaluation.

Episode 2 of the ‘Walks picks up with Nucky getting a visit from the resident prohibition agent, the joyless, no-nonsense, no-sympathies, yes-hat Agent Van Alden:

Live-Action Rex Banner isn’t buying Nucky’s explanation that Hans Schroder, the baker’s assistant with one minor arrest 10 years ago, mastermined the previous week’s gangster mass-murder, and shrugs off Nucky’s shady offer to speak with the sheriff, Brother McIncahoots. We find out later that the agent isn’t just mad at Nucky but also generally joyless, evidenced when he writes this unromantic letter to his wife:

Van Alden returns to his supervisor with the series-establishing line that compared to Arnold Rothstein, Nucky Thompson is the “much bigger fish.” Congratulations – you watched the opening credits.

After the jump, Al Capone beats a reporter, then some not the most famous gangster ever gangsters do some other gangster stuff:

Meanwhile in Chicago, we open on the giant funeral procession for Big Jim Colosimo, the gangster who got shot in the face last episode for playing a record real loud. Press agents hound the pallbearers asking Johnny Torrio if he was involved in the murder, and I don’t know who he is because seriously this show has like ninety characters right now. But his companion, Al Capone — easy to remember! — shrugs the reporters off all Al-Caponelike.

Later, a reporter comes to Capone in a speakeasy asking him to give a statement about the murder, and Al gives him the statement “Hey I am hitting you with this bottle”:

Having Al Capone in the show really helps things, because he’s super famous and you never forget which character he is. Every character should be someone really famous. Jimmy? He should be Teddy Roosevelt. Rothstein should be Charlie Chaplin. And Margaret is Abe Lincoln. Not should be – she is Abe Lincoln. That’s the subtext I got from this episode. Just wait a few more weeks, it’ll be revealed.

Speaking of Rothstein, he’s surprisingly uncool with Nucky stealing his own liquor shipment and selling it to Chicago, and demands $100,000 to cover the damages, which in the 20s was literally 9 trillion dollars. Nucky’s like “Go buzz off like Ruth Buzzi!” That was the most vulgar insult back then.

Rothstein takes his frustration out by interrogating the guy who shot Big Jim with a really badass story about making a dude choke to death on a cue ball. But my guess is he’s gonna let the murder slide and let the 100 grand slide then go buy a slip n’ slide and slide down it.

Margaret is recovering in the hospital by reading Henry James’ The Ivory Tower — titular line! — and gets a visit from Nucky’s brother Eli, who shadily gives her money to ensure that she won’t deny her husband’s involvement in the gang shooting:

In other financial matters, Nucky demands that Jimmy pay him the $3,000 from his share that he was shorted. Sidenote: Gangsters are always shorting each other money, aren’t they? Here’s my impression of a gangster: “You shorted me, where’s my money, see? I’m a gangster!” That line was originally gonna be the title of this show.

Jimmy gets the money by selling his mother’s necklace that he was originally gonna give as a gift to a showgirl [Correction: That showgirl WAS his mother - thanks, commenters!] — seriously, so many humans filmed in this thing — and hands the cash to Nucky, who immediately loses the whole amount on one roulette spin. Burn! Gonna take Jimmy a lot of Fatty Arbuckle watching to get over that one.

Also, Jimmy and his wife are having sex and their kid is right next to them and wakes up. Zuh?

In general, pretty solid second episode of the ‘Walks (gonna keep calling it that because it sounds so uncool), even if it was basically a “react to stuff last week, set up stuff for coming weeks” transition episode, and not a traditional television “things happening” episode. I dealt with Lost for like 15 years, these things don’t bother me anymore; it’s like once you’ve been on a 14 hour flight, you no longer get restless on 5 hour flights. Especially if those flights crash and cause time mysteries.

Much has been made over Steve Buscemi’s role in this series — my colleague Alex Zalben called him the show’s central problem – but I’m still torn on the casting decision. On one hand, it’s a different role for Buscemi, and his alternately reserved and passionate demeanor is both unpredictable and interesting, if a bit uneven. On the other hand, though, part of me wishes HBO had gone with a semi-newcomer in the lead role, giving someone the chance to really inherit the role independently of their own notoriety, like James Gandolfini in The Sopranos, Ian McShane in Deadwood, or Mrs. Blankenship in Mad Men. Or just straight up given the role to Mrs. Blankenship.

That about wraps up the recap for this week. Oh also, some boardwalk guy was trying to sleep with a 19-year-old and she finally was giving him an HJ in the car and  a dying guy stumbled onto the road and scared them. Also, Nucky is giving Mickey Doyle’s business to Chalky White, because his name is even more olde timey. Also the prohibition agent stole Margaret’s ribbon and was sniffing it.

…The f*ck?

Boardwalk Empire episode thoughts? Series thoughts? Evaluations/predictions? Favorite/least favorite parts? Buscemi feedback? Leave it in the comments.

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Gloria Stuart, Rose From Titanic, Dead at 100

Gloria Stuart, the woman whose foot on a boat railing followed by dropping a million dollar necklace into the ocean caused millions of teenagers to weep with feckless abandon, has passed away at the ripe old age of 100 years old. Yes, the old woman in Titanic has passed. Also the oldest Oscar nominee ever!! Can you imagine? She was 87 when Titanic came out and was alive only up until this week. With the way James Cameron works his talent, this is nothing short of a miracle. This woman is a legend.

And sure, she was 100, but we’re still a litttttle bit surprised. Do you see that photo of her above drinking wine? That was taken at her 100th birthday only a couple of months ago. Hell, I looked like that this weekend and I’m only 60.

Alas, it saddens us that a woman who featured to prominently in many of our youths is gone. If you get a chance to read her obituary, she led a colorful life, and Google Image has proved that she was quite the fox back in her day.

Now, the only thing we can hope for is that this happens at her funeral:

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Internet Gets Ass In Gear, Guy Packs A Bag

The internet had an insane two days this weekend.  It went down to Cabo, got trashed with its friends, and now it’s back to work and has really and very seriously been dragging ass.  I burst into the internet’s office about 15 minutes ago, and I was like “Internet!  Come ON, man.  Have you done anything today?!” And the internet was like, “Yeah, dude.  Chill.  I made this guy pack a whole ton of stuff in a bag.”

I was skeptical at first.  I thought the internet was just trying to look busy. A guy packing a bag?  What is that?  But then I looked at its video… and it’s weirdly entertaining!  This guy really packs the SH*T out of this bag!  And the length of this video?  MAN ALIVE, this video absolutely kills it on the length.  One minute and twenty three seconds.  Really solid video length.  Don’t ever doubt the internet.  It’s doing its work.

Where’s this guy going, Efficiencytown?

Thanks, Best of YouTube.

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