Obama’s Oil Spill Speech: What He Was Really Thinking
June 17th, 2010
Many pundits, especially liberals, found President Obama’s oil spill speech lacking in specifics as to how we’ll clean up this catastrophe. (But at least fresh evidence came to light about Obama’s cameo in Tag Team’s “Whoomp! There It Is” video!) At BWE, we don’t get involved in politics. Yet for some mysterious reason, while watching the speech, I could see right through Obama’s rhetoric as if I were in the midst of a vision quest. I saw talk bubbles floating around his head, exposing his thoughts and belying the words coming out of his mouth. Believe me, it was freaky. Here’s what I saw.
STATEMENT: “Good evening. As we speak, our nation faces a multitude of challenges.”
WHAT HE WAS THINKING: Global warming. Never-ending wars. Recession. Miley Cyrus kissing girls. We’re screwed!
STATEMENT: “And tonight, I’ve returned from a trip to the Gulf Coast to speak with you about the battle we’re waging against an oil spill that is assaulting our shores and our citizens.”
WHAT HE WAS THINKING: Should I have mentioned the countless dying fish and fowl along with “our shores and our citizens.” Wait, animals don’t vote!
STATEMENT: “After the rig sank, I assembled a team of our nation’s best scientists and engineers to tackle this challenge — a team led by Dr. Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist…”
WHAT HE WAS THINKING: If only MacGyver had been available!
STATEMENT: “In the coming weeks and days, these efforts should capture up to 90 percent of the oil leaking out of the well.”
WHAT HE WAS THINKING: I have no idea how long it will take. But what I can do is guarantee that it will take “weeks” and “days.” It might be three weeks and two days, or 200 weeks and one day, but it will definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY be “weeks” and “days.”
STATEMENT: “But make no mistake: We will fight this spill with everything we’ve got for as long as it takes.”
WHAT HE WAS THINKING: I don’t know how many skimmer boats and booms we have left. But what we have got is hair! Tons of hair! These people need to get off their asses, get haircuts, and donate it to the spill. (It really does soak up that oil!)
STATEMENT: “And we’re working with Alabama, Mississippi and Florida to implement creative approaches to their unique coastlines.”
WHAT HE WAS THINKING: Don’t worry your pretty little minds about what these “approaches” will be. All you need to know is they’re creative. Super creative. Like, we could tie a thousand dolphins together with seaweed and train them to drag bags of oil somewhere very far away.
STATEMENT: “We will make BP pay for the damage their company has caused.”
WHAT HE WAS THINKING: Wait. Can I really make BP pay for the damage? I dunno. But I’m sure as hell not paying for it.
STATEMENT: “A few months ago, I approved a proposal to consider new, limited offshore drilling under the assurance that it would be absolutely safe –- that the proper technology would be in place and the necessary precautions would be taken.”
WHAT HE WAS THINKING: This oil spill is so not my fault. Who approved this thing? Bush? The drilling I’m approving is safe. Totally safe! Like safe sex! Semen hardly ever spills out of condoms, right???
STATEMENT: “The transition away from fossil fuels is going to take some time, but over the last year and a half, we’ve already taken unprecedented action to jumpstart the clean energy industry. As we speak, old factories are reopening to produce wind turbines, people are going back to work installing energy-efficient windows, and small businesses are making solar panels. Consumers are buying more efficient cars and trucks, and families are making their homes more energy-efficient.”
WHAT HE WAS THINKING: Is anyone buying this? Does anyone actually see tangible changes in our energy industry? Well, my friends recycle! And I’ve seen people driving hybrid cars, too! Clean energy here we come!
BONUS Our video editor Pete Schultz directed this hilarious video. Watch!
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