NFL WEEK ONE RECAP: Cramming Some Football Action Down Your Throat

Because I love the NFL and so do some of you and it’s kind of pop culturey and I like stupid pictures and videos, here’s the first of what I hope will become a recurring feature unless I get lazy, your NFL Week 1 Recap in stupid pictures and videos. Here are this week’s games, in no particular order:

Bears 19, Lions 14

Sadly, the most talked-about story in Week One (aside from the gripping Browns/Bucs opener) was an unfortunate overturned Calvin Johnson touchdown catch that likely cost the Detroit Lions a Week One road victory (though it was apparently the correct call).

Nevertheless, the reactions from my Detroit friends this morning are nicely summed up in this entertaining and extremely NSFW reaction video:

Redskins 13, Cowboys 7

With all due respect to LaDanian Tomlinson, Donovan McNabb is this season’s clear-cut favorite for the “Dude You Never Get Used To Seeing In His New Uniform” Award, aka the “Is Michael Jordan Really On The Wizards Or Is This Game I’m Watching Photoshopped” Memorial Trophy:

The Cowboys’ defense played great, holding Washington to 250 total yards, 3-for-13 on 3rd Downs, and just 6 offensive points, but in the end, even this fan’s topical Austin Powers-referencing sign couldn’t rally them to victory:

Dolphins 15, Bills 10

And with this correct Suicide Pool pick, I’ve already lasted as long as I did in my 2009 Pool; I violated my “Never Pick A Road Team” Rule, but instead opted to go with my equally studious “Man…Buffalo…” Rule.

I still can’t believe the Bills have opened the last two seasons with Dick Jauron and Chan Gailey as their head coaches. Which hot young up-and-comer will they eventually hire to replace Gailey? I’m betting they literally hire this patch:

Seahawks 31, 49ers 6

Yikes – the 49ers were Vegas’ favorites to win the ultra-crappy NFC West coming into the season but suffered the biggest bandwagon-emptying loss of any team in Week One, for which Niners coach and apparent S&M aficionado Mike Singletary thanked Seattle’s Pete Carroll.

On the plus side for San Fran, a Deadspin reader caught this amazing clip of Frank Gore magically appearing out of his own ass:

Patriots 38, Bengals 24

This one was over pretty quick, but fortunately, in a possible super-viral VH1 marketing move, Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco were both in the locker room for the Bengals’ last play of the First Half because they thought the half had ended, thus giving dads nationwide something to complain about this morning. Anyone else have this conversation?

Dads: “Can you believe those clowns left the field early??”

Us-es: “They probably just thought the half was over and went in to get IVs with the trainer, who cares, they got blown out anyway.”

Dads: “Otto Graham used ta play hard every second until the final whistle, then even played that final whistle hard, then jogged to the locker room hard and retaped his ankles hard with really hard tape dag nabbit!”

All Dads are 19th century prospectors, for the record.

Steelers 15, Falcons 9 (OT)

Yay, a Steeler victory and an ever-so-brief delay of my friends’ endless deserved Roethlisberger jokes!

As a bonus, Taylor Lautner was on the Heinz Field sidelines for some reason, experiencing the glory of my hometown firsthand:

Titans 38, Raiders 13

The Raiders have been getting some reluctant sleeper buzz the past couple weeks, but this outcome was never in doubt. Though I’m not sure if these two Titans fans understand that the idea of dressing up for a football game is to wear your team colors, not just show up as Troll Businessmen:

Giants 31, Panthers 18

The Giants’ regular season opener at the New Meadowlands was surprisingly up-for-grabs through the First Half, but a massive turning point occurred in the Third Quarter when Panthers QB Matt Moore came to a realization:

Texans 34, Colts 24

Just as a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters for infinity will eventually pick a correct Hamlet sleeper, after like 5 straight years of people saying “Keep an eye on the Texans this year,” they actually did something. Adding Storm Shadow to their defense definitely made a difference:

Buccaneers 17, Browns 14; Cardinals 17, Rams 13

These games happened.

Packers 27, Eagles 20

The Packers — everyone’s sudden pick to come out of the NFC — looked extremely shaky in the Second Half against the Eagles, but Philly’s comeback effort came up short despite an out-of-nowhere second half rally from Michael “I’ll Bet Even Green Bay Fans Were Pulling Out The Rape Stand Insults Sunday” Vick.

I kinda dug the Philly throwback uniforms, modeled here by concussed QB Kevin Kolb, who kind of looks like Billy Joel in his helmet:

Jaguars 24, Broncos 17

The Jags are this year’s early candidate to be the team that’s suddenly 6-2 before anyone remembers them, getting off to a solid start against Denver.

This Starter Jacket is pumped:

NFL Week One Thoughts? Any allegiances / grievances / officiating anger / game-watching stories / general football excitement / general football being-pissed / anything else you want to air? Air ‘em in the Comments.

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