Larry King has been keeping busy these days. I know he still has his show, but he’s on the rise, and has been rehearsing for his next career as Lady Gaga’s stand-in.

And I want to know what Ryan’s obsession with Larry is? I mean, it’s kind of cute, in a weird hosty way. It’s like they’re the 2010 version of Twins, Larry being Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Ryan being the “leftover sh*t” aka Danny Devito.

Oh, and before you watch this, be warned! Larry should’ve done his research…he sounds like he’s doing the geriatric version of TI doing Gaga. I wonder if this is how old pop singers will sound in the future? I’d love to hear Gaga doing Poker Face at the age of 80…I bet she’d change the name to Bunko Fists, get sh*t faced off fiber, and chase the tennis balls on the end of her walker under a black light for her music video…she’d be so so current among her peers at the nursing home.

Anyway…here’s Larry singing Poker Face (or at least trying to):

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Thufferin thuccitash mothatruckas!

Also, this happened:

LOL!

We open tonight with Knit Michael girl whining about his accommodations.

“You think this is hard? Try living with Hepatitis! THAT’S hard!”-Sue Sylvester

Mondo asks Passanova if he feels like a winner. Stop talking to him so he can iron his head. Otherwise he’s gonna show up to the runway looking like he’s wearing a Sharpei Puppy hat.

I don’t think Passy understood the question, cuz he goes on and on about what it’s like being a wiener. He’s just glad that his wiener has immunity. Someone needs to explain that he hasn’t been given an immune wiener or he’s gonna be barebacking half the town by sundown.

Over at the girls’ place, Peach and April talk about how terrible Chunky Michael is while Peach caulks her eyes and sands her wattle.

Has anyone seen my concrete mixer?

Chunky Mike tells us that he doesn’t know who his friends are anymore.

A: No one but the stale ass Doritos on the crafts services table. Sad horns.

He whines to Trandy about everyone hating him. Clips of everyone hating him. Wretch wakes up miserable too. Clip of Tim telling her off. She insists that she’s not manipulative and talks in baby voice so we’ll believe her. Cuz babies aren’t manipulative at all.

Oh wah. Get a fucking job you needy tadpole. My boobs aren’t a buffet.

Hivy is, of course, now totally against Wretch. In a whispery way of course. She’s already died once on this show.

Mother of God! She’s aliiiiiive!

Fat Bitch comes out wearing glitter, which makes her look like a giant disco ball. Fat people? Shouldn’t wear glitter.

Hey Heidi, try eating fingernails for lunch. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Speaking of fat bitches dressed horribly, today is a real person ie: fat challenge!! YAAAAYYY!!! It’s so distressing that Trandy goes into cover the crater mode.

You know the heifers are just as horrified at the site of her, but they have MANNERS.

He insists he’s just horrified because of the hideous dresses they’re wearing, and he’s not wrong on that. This line pretty much sums up why no woman is happy when she finds out one of her bffs is getting married.

If you really love me, you’ll be uglier than me on my big day. Now give me five hundred dollars, throw me a party and shut your piehole.

The challenge is to turn the dresses into something the girls would want to wear again. The bridesmaids are pretty funny about how hideous their dresses are. Non Zombie Asian says “if you’ll notice, I have a giant bow on my chest.” This makes Hivy hungry. Poor Non Zombie will be lucky to make it out of here alive.

Passy gets to pick first, so he takes the skinniest one. The next skinniest one goes next, and so on. These people are shameless. Poor big girls! Mondo gets tricked though. He picks a thinnish girl with a creme stripe down her butt. Like that’s gonna stop him from making this entire dress into a jester unitard with a hipster jacket and plastic sunglasses.

You’ll never guess who the last to be picked is.

Just like dodgeball. And softball. And basketball. And Scrabble. That’s not even a team sport! Where’s the pantry in this dump?

Ah well, it all evens out. The big girl is always picked first by gay dudes when it’s time to go out and drink and make fun of people. How many times in his life do you think Mondo has been asked to leave Forever 21?

Sir, this is a Christian establishment. Put the leggings down and back away slowly.

Tim comes in to make fun of the dresses and tell them they can only use up to two yards of additional fabric. Since the tell off, everyone’s super kiss assy today. Trandy even goes as far as doing his nasty tranny dance he uses to pay the bills on Santa Monica Blvd.

Christopher’s model got skerd and quit, so he’s given a new one. Another regular person with a fug dress. This one, luckily, is thin. You can tell even before you see her cuz of his face:

The problem with skinny bitches is…well, a problem with skinny bitches is, they don’t use their mouths for eating. They use them for TALKING. April chose a stick and now has to listen to her prattle on about her ideas. Hey. I’ve got an idea. Eat. Comb your hair. Buy a sweater. I don’t care what you do. Just STFU. April’s gonna make you a very absorbent pair of diapers and you’re gonna like em!

So I was thinking the pleats could be the inner lining in case you laugh so hard you pee at a cocktail party. No? Um…ok. How bout in case you laugh so hard you pee at a company picnic. No? A baseball game? No? DAMN THIS IS HARD.

Chunky Mike promises his real model sophistication. And who wouldn’t believe him? Just look at him.

Sophistication

Peach takes her sketch time to teach her model how to walk. Unfortunately, she put too much mortar on her neck this morning and her head almost falls off.

Do everything but that part.

Knit Mike says that when you have to make clothes for a fat chick lots of stuff goes wrong. His sketch is just a big circle.

So rude.

Let’s go to Mood! Everyone starts to leave, but Knit Mike just stares at his giant dress form and complains about calories and stuff. When he gets to Mood, he decides that the best plan of action is to hide his model so no one sees her lumbering down the runway. He’ll buy upholstery fabric! You don’t think Nina will have a problem saying a couch looks fat? You got another thing coming, buddy.

Back at the workroom, he tells Wretch that he loves his models chunkiness and just wants her to feel good about herself when she’s put in the greenroom for people to sit on. Wretch quietly agrees and doesn’t manipulate him at all. Chunky Mike is trying to figure how to make this ugly bridesmaids dress even uglier, and Passy pats him way too hard and yells “see? Jew ees so taylandad!” How does being complimented by Passy feel, Chunk?

WAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Trandy and Other Asian (Or Other Puerto Rican. Damn interbreeding I just can’t tell anymore) Valerie talk about how they want to like Chunk but they just can’t respect him as a designer. Ok Valerie makes the same thing every week and Trandy has his tiny nuts taped into his butt crack. Raise of hands for how many of you respect their hack asses? I’m waiting. No one. See?

The editors have started tricking us with the Sidekick of Doom calls to home. First they changed the phone to a Droid something instead of a Sidekick. Then they changed it so the person who calls home doesn’t get sent packing. And now they’re getting rid of the phone altogether so we can see the satanic woman that dropped out Wretchen.

Honey have you made anyone hate you today? Good girl!

Wretch wahs about how life is more than fashion and she wants to go home where she can wear her bikini tops and split ends in peace. Her mom tells her to grow a pair, go to the dressing room, put on a full face of whore makeup, and give everyone who doesn’t ask for it her opinion.

I raised you to be frigid and obnoxious so I’ll have someone to take care of me when I’m old. Don’t let me down, you dry ended hippie!

Aw!

Christopher tells us that his heart broke for Wretch when Tim told her off cuz she doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body. Controlling bones? Malnourished hippie bones? Fake cry throw fat people under the bus bones? Yes. But otherwise she’s super sweet. Tim comes in and Wretch puts on her pasty hurt frowny face.

Pasty hurt frowny face.

Tim answers with his “I drank too much and got plowed by a busboy and want to pretend no one saw me” face.

I drank too much and got plowed by a busboy and want to pretend no one saw me face.

She answers with the “I’m just gonna imitate your face and stay quiet so you don’t go all Wendy Williams on me again” face.

I’m just gonna imitate your face and stay quiet so you don’t go all Wendy Williams on me again face.

He says that her umbre effect is great but the whole piece is too athletic. She says that his critique set off firecrackers of knowledge off in her head, and he says he’s here to help cuz he feels so close to them all. WTF? Hit her! He walks away gargling salt and garlic water. She tells us that a scar can turn into an open wound if you don’t let it heal. And an a-hole can turn into an absolute gash if you don’t tell it off. Aw, learning!

Chunky Mike is next. His model wanted a lace top and velvet side panels. Tim shudders and tells him the whole thing is terrible.

The “I Promised Myself I Wouldn’t Swallow” face.

Do you guys wanna know what Zombie Hivy has to say about Chunk’s work? Me neither. FF. Knit tells Tim that he wanted to change the shape but he didn’t know how to cover all this….he almost said fat heifer slut cake biatch but stopped himself. Tim says it’s an honor to make someone who’s not a size zero feel pretty and Knit asks if he can just send her a nice card attached to a box of Twinkies instead. He hasn’t done anything to the dress but add some couch fabric to the boob area. Well he says it’s upholstery. It looks like a window screen. He’s in troubs.

Mondo’s doing a pretty badass Pink Ladies dress which of course Tim loves. He says he sings “Summer Lovin” to his hairbrush every night before he masturbates and goes to bed. Mondo’s like “um………” Peach complains that she doesn’t like her pattern. What’s not to like? It’s Laura Ashley flower old lady couch print. My ass you don’t like it. Maybe if it was like bright orange or something.

Hivy tells Tim that her model wants to show off everything, and he says she should just make her a thong. Hivy laughs twitchily and then continues sketching while chowing down on GayJ’s calf. Tim hands her a paper towel and moves on. He loves what Passy’s doing! Kiss of death. I think he’s just being nice cuz he heard Passy’s got an immune wiener and let’s face it: Tim Gunn is a dirty whore these days.

Tim takes one look at Trandy’s tranny hooker dress and coos “that’s something I’d go clubbing in.” Keep it in your pants, Gunn. Gay children watch this show.

Other Asian is making a pink cheerleading uniform.

Tim says it’s as far away as fashion as you can get. Hee. Tim tells her to just get it presentable enough to not go home. Has he ever given that advice? Congrats on bringing Tim to a new low, OAV! Tim has a surprise! Instead of a runway show there will be a designer showcase with a hundred attendees that will vote on their faves. YAAAAY! Valerie is super afraid of “regular people”, and who can blame her?

I don’t mean you, sweetie.

On a sidenote, you know how gay guys start dressing a certain way and then a couple years straight guys steal our moves? Well, that’s happening in reverse. I blame straight guys for these shirts.

Reason #437 not to trust straight guys.

And I blame Native Americans for this look.

Reason #589 not to trust Native Americans.

Reason #984 for big girls not to trust Knit Michael.

April’s twig tries giving her more direction so April punches her in the face. Man things are getting real this season. Chunky Mike has done a pretty good job from the looks of it, but his model is insisting on the lace sleeves. I told you the skinny ones are always a pain in the ass. Here is proof of his not sucking before he goes and possibly ruins his dress:

Peach cut her dress wrong and begs Mondo for more help. He just stares at her for a long time before agreeing.

Is your face stuccoed? It’s freaking me out.

The next morning, Wretch is being super nice and telling her roomies to believe in herself and all that crap. Then she gets as bored as we all are and says they’re fine as long as they’re against Peach cuz her work is busted and “I don’t think she even knows who she is anymore!” Well, you hated her stuff before and you hate it now so what’s your point you skank? Besides, Peach totally knows who she is. She’s an adobe house.

Peach after three hours of face renovation.

Peach knows that she will be in the bottom but there are worse than hers. April says that her model is a little c word and hates her work, but she told the girl to zip it until after the show airs. Time to get ready for the barrage of real people judges!

Knit Mike’s work is fucking hideous, but he talks her into thinking it’s better. It’s so not. It makes her even fatter. That’s just not cool. Man, Tim wasn’t kidding when he said he was bringing in real people. These people are homelier than an actual home.

Real People

I love when real people get a chance to be on reality shows cuz they’re as shitty as possible so they might be featured. Amateur Attention Whores are always good for some entertainment. I hope someone calls Wretch out on her split ends.

At the gallery, Tim says that they need to wow the guests so they’ll get their votes. Peach does it by leaning and waving people over. Everyone looks afraid. Sample lady at Costco? Probably not a good alternate career for Peach.

Come on! I’ve got grits!

Let’s check out Other Asian Valerie’s work. Before it was ugly and unflattering, and after it’s ugly and unflattering. But now the model has pac man boobs.

Val says people are being nice but no ones voting for her. Chunky Mike’s dress? I can’t tell if it’s good or if it’s hideous. That means it will probably win cuz that’s FASHION!!! I can say that it’s a zillion times better than Valerie’s dreck.

Zombie Hivy made, shocker, Banana Republic sale rack cream colored capris. UGH. She’s so fucking terrible. Same. Thing. Every. Week. How many flavors of vanilla can there possibly be? And is that top all out of new fabric? I hope she gets called out on that. She’s not getting many buttons, but mostly cuz she bit off a little girl’s ear right in the beginning and now everyone’s super uncomfortable.

Wretchen got the hottest model and made her look homeless. I hope Tim comes by and pulls her hair.

Chunk points out that Wretch’s model has side boobs. Look who’s talking.

Trandy has done the best so far. His dress is unrecognizable. We don’t get to see his model’s head, but once was enough so thanks editors!

To prove that trannies can be just as sexist as any other man, Trandy leans over to his real people and says:

Thanks for the vote, toots.

April kicked some butt on this one too. I can’t believe that’s even the same dress. Unfortunately, the model can’t pee in it, so FAIL.

I hope there’s a bathroom here or I’m screwed.

Passy’s biggest fan is a fellow Puerto Rican, “ayn node eben cuz weer from da sayme conetree!” Before a couple of weeks ago I had forgotten that Puerto Rico was in America. At least I’m not the only one. The Puerto Ricans don’t even know. Capri pants and a loose top. It’s pretty, but meh.

Knit Mike is the plain worst here so far. He’s made the term The Biggest Loser un-empowering again. One chunky lady is so offended that she punches the model in the vagina.

We only see him get one vote, and it’s from a fat chick. She only compliments him on his model. LOL. You’re not voting for fatness. Take a few laps around the building and compose yourself. Peach’s top is kinda maybe cute, but the skirt kills it. There are also these olive pockets hanging off the blouse. Oh, Peach.

A sweet gay guy tells her she doesn’t look a day over thirty five when she complains about being the oldest. She whips out some handcuffs and puts him in the trunk of her car. I don’t blame her. That guy’s a keeper.

Mondo’s Pink Lady Funeral dress is pretty cute, and he’s getting a lot of votes. For the challenge it’s pretty creative but if I ever saw someone wearing this out I would start sobbing and asking what happened to Frenchie.

Zombie Hivy is scowling at all the votes Chunk has won. He sees her and tells her to go fuck her dead ass self in the sweetest way possible.

She runs up to Valerie to tattle tale. Apparently, Chunk has been telling the real people that she’s a zombie bitch and they need to protect their body parts from her. Valerie just nods sympathetically and takes a couple steps back. Hivy’s breath still smells like that little girl’s ear.

Well he could have given you a shoe that didn’t fit. Consider your blessings.

Valerie has heard that rumor from one of the real people too. LOL! I LOVE IT!!! GO CHUNK! Hivy says it’s totally unprofessional to sabotage her and her design stands for itself. Shot of two pins in her bowl. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh editors, marry me.

Now it’s time for the runway show. Ugh we have to watch this all again? Let’s play my favorite game! Which one of these people is a woman?

Let’s call it a draw.

That game was a bust, so let’s try and figure out what kind of English Hivy is speaking. “I don’t understand why he’s always trying to pick my buttons.” Wretch says he’s just trying to break her and Hivy says good luck without an axe to the brains. Chunk insists that he never said anything bad about Hivy. I don’t believe him for one second. If I did that would mean that I would be forced to like him less and that’s no fun. Hivy wants to confront him but says he’s not worth her energy. Um, really? Cuz all you’ve done is use your fabulous energy to complain about him to us for the past three or four weeks. I just think she knows that he can take a bigger bite off a person than she can and she’s a giant pussy. Either way, Chunk says that he plans on talking it out with her later. YAY!!

The designers go back to the workroom and get a chance to change stuff. NO FAIR! Tim comes in to tell them that all their real people models will get to take home GLAD products! WOWEE!! Um you guys? Trandy has Sanjaya hair.

Limited Edition Sanjaya Troll

In the sewing room, Chunk approaches Hivy and denies telling everyone she’s a zombie. He says she can talk to his model if she wants, and she blows him off. She tells us that she’ll let his character speak for itself. Character? LOL Hivy. You have child cartilage in your teeth. When he leaves, Wretch says “why did he come in here and say that in front of all of us?” Um, maybe because you guys are all talking about it behind his back you stupid twat. Knit Mike’s answer is “because he’s an idiot.” And you’re a fat person abuser. I wish Aunt Jemimah was here to beat his ass for stealing her look.

Aunt FemmeMimah

Hair and makeup time! BREAK! FF. Wretchen trying to teach her buff proud black model how to walk with attitude is…sad. It’s sad. How has she not been punched in the face yet? Mondo tells us in code that Knit Mike had to make a dress for a fat chick and no matter how ugly it is the judges will give him credit for not sending her out with a harpoon sticking out her side.

Lunch time!

Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out in her Chicago costume.

All Dat Jass

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi Guest Judge Cynthia Rowley!

Woah, Rowls. Step away from the plastic surgeon.

Mondo won the most votes in the gallery show! HOLLER MONDO! I can’t wait to see what little girl outfit he wears next week. Now let’s watch the show! Or not, cuz we’ve already seen everything. The best part of the runway show is when Nina covers her head as Chunk’s work walks, like it’s raining poo and she forgot an umbrella.

The only improvement I can see is on Knit Mike’s outfit, cuz he added a jacket. She takes it off and it’s back to fug. April, Hivy, Trandy, Wretchen, and Passy are safe. The rest are kept on the runway. Darn I was hoping April would get this. In the back room, the girls talk trash. Wretch rips Chunk apart and they all agree he’s in the bottom. He will probs win, just to spite those witches.

Knit is first. Rowley’s face says it all.

Kors says he took the dress from bridesmaid to bat mitzva and the dress looked better before. Nina calls it cheap. The big girl says that the dress is fun. Knit Jemimah is about to cry, but doesn’t. BOOOOOO. Kors thinks Christopher’s dress looks like two dresses put together. Rowley says it looks repurposed but beautiful. Nina likes the top half but not the short bottom. Kors compliments loves Peach’s model’s hair but that’s it. He calls the dress Holly Hobby and hates the avocado dinner napkins on the hips. She looks like she’s at the church bring a pot dinner. LOL he really hates it, and adds that she’s got an avocado goiter. He’s sure burning through a lot of bon mots for one critique. The model says she feels comfortable. LOL. Nina thinks it’s boring, weird and old. Takes one to know one, hag!

Nina loves the modern symmetry of Mondo’s work. Heidi congratulates him on getting rid of the shine, and Cynthia hates the hair but loves the dress. Kors shakes his head, speechless at Valerie’s dress. Then he says she turned the model into a nursing grandma. Cynthia thinks the backstraps are whorish, and Nina says the model looks like she’s about to feed a village and looks fat. Heidi says “I didn’t hate it as much as everyone else.” Um…thanks. Chunky Mike’s work is called edgy and hip and Heidi congratulates him on only making the model look like a hooker on the bottom part. Kors says it’s great and the styling is spot on. Cynthia appreciates that she can almost see the model’s vag. Well done!

In the back, Peach tells everyone that she was ripped apart hard. Knit Mike trembly voiced, says that he was ripped too. They sure loved Chunk though!

In alone time, the judges call Chunk’s work phenomenal and Heidi says it was so perfect because the other designers were so mean to him last week. They seem to like him the best. Christopher barely made it into the top three. Mondo did a good job but the style was “Snooki and the Flinstones”. LOL. Kors says Valerie’s dress was just wrong and Nina mouths “awful”. Rowley says it looks like a weird cartoon character. Heidi is mad that Knit Mike made his big girl look worse than before. They’re all super pissed about Peach’s work, so she’ll probs go home. Damn I was really rooting against Knit at this point. What a twat.

In the back, Chunk is still going on about how nice the judges were. HAHAH. When he leaves, Wretch is disgusted and says she doesn’t even know what she’s doing on the show if the judges like Chunk’s crap. You’re on the show because your personality is unabashedly terrible, for one. That’s always good for PR. Go Chunk go! Chunk wins! LOLOLOLOLLLLLL! Now Heidi’s just fucking with Wretchen and I love it. I don’t remember a season where there was interpersonal shit going on with the judges and the contestants. It’s amazing.

When he gets to the back room and announces that he won, Hivy snottily snaps “of course you did!” Wretch is disappointed that the judges aren’t complimenting her craftsmanship. Well your crappy attitude sure has their attention so keep it up witch. Mondo and Christopher are both safe. Other Asian Valerie is safe, so we have at least another week to guess her ethnicity. Peach and Knit are left. They get dissed some more and….Knit’s in! BOOOOO!!!!! Poor Peach! She sucked, but Knit was just shamefully terrible to the big girl and that’s a huge nono for gay guys. Also I was really looking forward to seeing the rest of Peach’s facial renovation. She’s super positive about her ouster, and Tim thanks her for teaching him how to say “you’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken!” Ha.

On her way out, Peach congratulates herself on doing so well at her age. She’s so Sally O’Malley right now. I’ll miss you Peach!! Next week, Valerie cries and Wretchen gets yelled at again!! YAAAYYYY!! See you then.

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For real?

I’ve never sat down to watch football, so I figured now was the time. I had no idea what I was missing.

EW!!! Never mind.

This season, Ellen Degeneres is going to guest star on CSI!!!

And she’s killing a black guy!

Don’t feel so bad. She did the same thing to American Idol, buddy.

This shit is juicy and the episode hasn’t even started yet! Oh wait here it goes. Ugh. It’s only been two seconds and I’m exhausted. It’s like the snooze button. I keep pressing stop and then ten minutes later it wakes my ass up again.

Previously, Britney brought out her pussy and whipped Lane with it until he put HAYDEN on the block instead of her. I know it’s a little early to start making a Christmas list, but Dear Santa, for Christmas please give me a vagina. Love, Flipit. Seriously. Those things come in handy. At the very least, they allow you to sit and pee without people making fun of you.

Also previously, Gaygan “studied”, which was awesome cuz it gave him a chance to diss everyone from the season to the cameras. “Rachel’s the one with giant fake tits and bad skin that thinks she’s a chemist. Lane is the guy with hard fat who burps in the middle of sentences. Enzo is the guy who refuses to accept that he’s balding and talks like a shitty cartoon.” Jeeze Gaygan! Those aren’t gonna be questions.

Four: the number of times I’ve given Sally Field Oscar speeches right before winning nothing.

Five hundred: the number of times he told us how alone he feels. It’s just like being back in West Hollywood! You’re alone because you’re a hideous person. I understand cuz I suffer from the same problem. At least you’re thin! I don’t remember this part, but apparently PussyPussy knocked Gaygan over during the POV competition and Gaygan screamed like a girl. HAHAHAHAHAH.

Forget it! I’m stayin’ right where I am. It’s gonna take you and the police department and the fire department and the National Guard to get me outta here! – Norma Rae

It’s a pretty sure thing Gaygan’s going back to his sling in some dingy bar tonight, but it will be interesting to see if he can pull through and talk Lame into getting rid of HAY. Interesting or extremely time consuming and life wasting. Let’s find out! Speaking of leather slings, let’s say hi to our favorite domibotrix. I would call her hair flat but I’m afraid of getting a Criscoed fist up my cornhole.

You’re a mother now! Have some decency!

OK, I love Chenrianna Huffington, but something’s just off tonight. Hair? Flat. Nose? Pointy. Eyes? Crossed. At least wait til next season to bring on a new model, Grodner!

Who are you you drunk slut? Bring back my bot!

Hopefully, this new model will ensure a night of insanity and high stakes drama! The Brigade is fracturing, SlutBot tells us. Can HAY slip through Gaygan’s crack? What kind of question is that, bot? Who can’t?

HAY is pissed that Lame put him up, and you can tell cuz he’s yelling in the diary room. That’s also how you can tell if he’s happy, sad, or sleeping. PussyPussy’s back to his obnoxious cocky self now that he’s done sniveling like a three year old on the block, and he’s practicing making to go food into pretty swans with some tinfoil while Gagyan practices swallowing.

He’s positive that Gayg is going home, but Gay insists that he’s gonna fight! It looks like his idea of fighting is to totally rid himself of any kind of gag reflex.

In the HOH suite, HAY and PussyPussy cheer themselves on and then not so subtly try to talk Lane into turning against Britney. Not that that matters much now, but they’re looking ahead to next week. Lane thinks he has a shot of going to the final two and winning if he’s against Britney, so he’s obvs anti Duhgade at this point. Or at least they’re anti him. He just put them both on the block. Why would either one of them keep him safe if they get the chance? Will he be smart enough to have Britney vote against HAY and use the tiebreaker to oust him? I doubt it, cuz that would require some kind of thought. While we’re waiting for that to happen, let’s ponder on just how much like Cloris Leachman Gaygan is starting to look.

But less hot.

Gaygan approaches Britney and tries to get her vote. He tries to make her believe that Boobdon would vote for her over him, and she rolls her eyes. He keeps talking to her like she’s five, and she’s used to it so she just takes the time to wipe some boogars out of her eyes.

Mmmmhmmm. Tell me again the part about you being a fighter. No do the “I’m all alone!” monologue. No the fighter one. OK you pick.

She tells us that he’s making some strong arguments, but her vagina is kinda worn out from browbeating Lame. She’ll do some kegel exercises and if it starts working again she’ll get right on that whole saving him thing. She advises him to talk to Lame. He does, and he does it using his talking to a fucking moron tone. In this case though it’s fitting. “Do you wanna win or do you wanna lose?” Um, I wanna lose. Glad we had this talk.

Gaygan says that HAY and Pussy’s loyalties lie with each other and it’s time for Lame to make a big move and not go down in the BB history books as a totally clueless pussy that didn’t win one vote from the jury house. Lame gets it. At least I think that’s what this face means:

Lane knows HAY’s coming for Britney and that he won’t beat him in the final two. Will he turn on HAY? Way to make it interesting, Gaygan! Chenretha tries to entice us into coming back after the break to see Brendon and Boob City reunited. Dumbest move ever. I’d rather watch football again.

EW!!!! Never mind x 2

Let’s see some clips of the HGs dancing at random times throughout last night! That was pretty awesome, I have to say. HAY admits to being the worst dancer and says that no matter how much he tans he’s always the whitest guy on the dance floor that spits all over people the most when he talks. PussyPussy, are you ever gonna live down wearing the penguin costume in Jersey? He says he gave it swagger. I guess in Jersey swagger means crying like a little bitch cuz you can’t win one competition in weeks and keep yourself off the block. Whatevs. He finally won one. By pushing down a helpless little girl into the mud, but still. A win’s a win.

Britney goes off about how dirty the house was. Wasn’t it embarrassing enough that a quarter of an episode was devoted to cleaning out a fridge? Let’s just all ignore it and try to pretend the end of this season is amazing. Or we could listen to Gaygan squeal “you’re the dirtiest!” to Britney. Your choice. FF.

Let’s visit the Jury House! YAY!!! Boobs was first in, so she had the chance to rub her herpes all over everything to spite the people who voted her out. She thinks Matt will be first in because of her carbs note to Brendon way back when Brendon still had a shot in hell of winning this thing. Sheriff walks in and squeals, and then Boobs squeals. Then she gets pissed about the Diamond Power of Veto. They both yell and squeal and stuff. Then Sheriff says she feels like a victim in a crime cuz she didn’t have a chance to fight. Now you know how your eyelids feel.

The next week, Boobs says she hopes Princess Britney and Gaygan come in together so they can have three princesses and a queen. LOL. Boobs tells Sheriff that she doesn’t want anyone to mess with her man, and Sheriff reacts pretty much just like any of us would.

Rachel, honey, please stop sitting on my shoulder.

Matt is the next one in the house, and he enters right after Sheriff talks about how he broke her heart. The girls both squeal when he comes in, forgetting how they just two seconds ago talked about hating him. Sheriff feels kinda bad after all cuz Matt’s wife is dying of a bone disease. Sheriff forces him to apologize for ousting her, which he has to practice like five times. Then they watch a DVD of the show. Boobs squeals about what a moron Matt was for throwing the HOH comp. LOL. I miss Boobs. Matt laughs that he still feels like he’s in jail, and that’s when Boobs gives him her first “I’ll fuck you up” look of the night:

Then they watch Bredon get his head shaved. Boobs coos about how hot he looks, and Matt says he looks like a penis. In his defense, he probably meant it as a compliment. Boobs rolls her head and tells him not to mess with her man. This is one of the most consistent people I have ever had the pleasure of not meeting. Matt snarls while they watch Britney put Matt up, and Boobs says she’s lame and evil. They are hoping she’s out next, but it’s Brendon! Yaaayeeeew! Boobs doesn’t get up and squeal for Brendon. She’s PISSED. She was expecting that money. That whole missing her period thing is a lot less fun now.

OMG he does look like a penis.

Boobs finally gets up and hugs him, and she tells us that they have both fought sooooo hard to be there! HAHAHAHAH. If I wasn’t so lazy I would come up with a clip of her saying that over and over again. Matt sits everyone down to tell them something very serious. Oh no. He’s gonna tell them that the only thing is wife is sick with is a busted grill? How stupid is this guy? He cops to lying about his dying wife. Boobs’ jaw drops to the ground and Brendon unzips his pants. She smacks him and tells him to focus.

Sheriff starts yelling about how she’s a real sick person and she’s disgusted by his lying. She’s devastated! She’s a survivor! It wouldn’t hurt so much if she hadn’t survived CANCER! OMG it’s so hot in here. Turn on the AC it’s like a hundred degrees CANCER in here. Sheriff gets up to apply more mascara and brush her CANCER while Boobs decides to whip out a Shakespearean sonnet.

She had fuckin CANCER, k?

She tells Matt he’s the most horrible person she’s ever met in her whole life. And she’s a stripper from Vegas with enough fortitude and mouthwash to blow herself to a college degree. That’s saying something. She goes to hang with Sheriff, who is offended that he said he could relate to her cancer because of his dying wife. Boobs, with a huge smile on her face, says how wrong he was over and over. Matt claims he was gonna donate money to whatever the fake disease was, but he can’t name it at the moment. LOL. Boobs says he needs to gtfo of the room, and he refuses. She adds that he’s either worse than evil or Evel. I can’t tell. He’s not worse than either. Just shorter, dumber, and beaver teethier.

Back to the real show. Chenrique Iglesias asks Lane if he still trusts the Duhgade. He says that yes he does but he knew if he put Britney on the block they’d vote her out. He doesn’t wanna backstab anyone, but he’s here for half a million dollars. Cheniane Sawyer asks if he feels bad about lying to Brit about his alliance, and he says that he’s just been playing dumb as a strategy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Riiiiight. He also says that if he has the chance between the guys in the Duhgade he will take HAY to the final two. Well, thanks for the spoiler alert. CYA Gaygan.

Eviction time! Gaygan thanks his dad for being proud of his weirdest child. HA. Then he fakely says that if he’s evicted he’ll be waiting in the Jury House with “say it with me!”, no one does, “Oooey Gooey Yummy Scrummy Delicious Black Chocolate Balls!” Everyone looks embarrassed for him. Chenlisa tells HAY, “top that!” and he goes “not with your dick, Julie.”

He says he’s proud and loves everyone and blah. PussyPussy is first to vote. He, obvs, votes for Gaygan’s eviction. Britney votes to evict Gayg too. Damn. I wanted more Oscar speeches!! BOoooooooooo!!! When Chengis Philbin tells Gaygan he’s out, Gay hugs everyone quietly and spurts out some armpit sweat onto Pussy.

When Gayg leaves, everyone celebrates. Gaygan tells Chendilli Vanilli that he underestimated the bond of the remaining four, and it was dumb of them to vote him out. Why? I don’t know. He says that he knows that they all knew that if they took him to the final four he would have won. So why was it dumb to kick you out again? He’s ridiculous. He’s babbling nonsense, but with super raised eyebrows and big hand gestures.

Do you uuuuunderstaaaaand what I’m saaaaayingggg?

I really can’t stand that queen, so let’s take a break and ponder how much like My Favorite Martian Gaygan is starting to look.

But older.

I love when guys talk all big and tough while their feet don’t touch the ground.

Chenelope Cruz asks him why he didn’t try to get rid of the Duhgade and he blames Matt. While we’re on that subject, do you regret being friends with Matt? He says no and Matt’s an excellent human being. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh man poor Gaygan. I wish Matt kept the big secret til this coming week. With his twenty grand from the saboteur win he’s gonna get a hybrid or a BMW. If you don’t know that BMW has a hybrid you don’t deserve to have one. Get a Prius. It will be easier to crunch when I purposely hit you the first time I see you in West Hollywood.
Goodbye vids! Lame says he’s sorry that he’s out and Brit says she’s sorry he has to go listen to Boobs’ annoying cackle. LLB! PussyPussy comes on and says Gaygan’s a whiny little bitch and deserves what he got. Wow. Gaygan’s face drops faster than Pussy’s hair. You know, Pussy is one of the worst players we’ve seen in a long time. Part of me feels like well, he’s in the final four so that automatically makes him good cuz he can play the social game. And then he comes on and obliterates that week after week too. Seriously? HATE. Pussy ends by asking for Gaygan’s vote. HAY says Gayg is an “awesome representation of the gay community”. I think he meant Gayg’s an awesome representation of why people are so fearful of the gay community, but that’s a really long sentence for HAY so let’s just let it slide.

HOH comp! The backyard is a winter wonderland. It’s not too early for Christmas after all! I’ll have a vagina in no time! They have to put ornaments on a tree and get a star through chicken wire to the top first. Or something. I don’t ever understand wtf these games are supposed to be, so how bout I just tell you who wins? Brit keeps dropping ornaments and then flat out breaks one. DAMMIT. So the boys are just gonna sail through. Hayden is first to score a point. Britney can’t get one f ing ornament more than six inches up. DAMMIT BRITNEY! If you lose to Enzo you deserve what you get. We don’t get to see the end of this, but when the ep ends, Pussy has three, Brit has one, and HAY has five. F!!!

So that’s it. Were you as pissed by the predictability of this as I was? I have loved the season for the most part, but I don’t know how much for of HAY’s shouting, Lame’s bs down home bumbling, or Pussy’s Jersey Shore ripoff act I can take. I love ending these on a positive note. Can’t think of one, so let’s ponder how much like Sandy Duncan Gaygan is starting too look.

But less butch.

See you next week!

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-One hour of Jersey Shore not enough for you? Need to punish yourself a little more? MTV has heard your call Jersey Shore After Hours is back. Head to MTV at 11pm tonight and get an extra dose of GTL.

-Donald Glover is the only person on twitter you need to follow. Take a peak at this gem.

-Mad Men lovers rejoice Rolling Stone has made your favorite TV cast the cover of this month’s issue. Take a peak at their photo gallery here. It is lovely.

-Tim Gunn laid down the gauntlet on last week’s episode of Project Runway. Check out his personal vlog for even more insight.

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J.Lo’s Idol deal is almost finished! So, all the diva rumors were all allegedly just “rumors.”

I find it hard to believe that her diva behaviors were just rumors. J.Lo not being a diva is like saying Paula Abdul never takes pills. I think after that report came out, J.Lo probably got her sh*t together, and stopped being an a-hole b/c girlfriend needs a job!

TMZ reported that the negotiations have just been “typical negotiating.”

UGH. So it looks like it’s going to be a Randy Jackson, J.Lo, and Steven Tyler on that famous judges’ table.

So to that I say:

Don’t be fooled by my attitude that I got, I’m just, I’m just Jenny from the block. I used to bitch a little, now I bitch a lot…

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On ‘Jersey Shore’ (Thu., 10PM ET on MTV), Vinny says he keeps his mouth shut. And then he doesn’t — instead telling Jenni “JWoww” Farley that Angelina “Jolie” Pivarnick told a lie about her.

Jenni confronts Angelina and Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola, who says she “doesn’t give a [beep].” Jenni says, “Did you grow some balls all of a sudden?” Sammi responds: “I don’t fight because I’m mature, I’m classy!” and then proceeds to scream and shout at her.

Jenni yells back, “Why don’t you like me — because I came to you as a woman and told you about your man?” — referring to the anonymous note that told Sammi about Ronnie’s cheating ways. Jenni shoves Sammi’s head. Arms start flailing, and Sammi throws a punch.

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Funnyman Jay Leno won’t have much to laugh about when he sees the new ratings figures for ‘The Tonight Show With Jay Leno’. After a chaotic year of changing hosts, multi-million dollar pay deals and very public feuding between the Leno and Conan O’Brien camps, it seems as though viewers have voted with their remotes and switched off this summer.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Leno’s attracting far fewer viewers in the advertiser-coveted 18-49 demographic than Conan O’Brien did whe he hosted the show. And, just to pile on the misery, the show has also hit a new record summer low in ‘Tonight Show’ history.

However, it’s not all dire news for Leno. He’s still ahead of CBS’s ‘Late Show With David Letterman’ in the ratings, though CBS has pointed out that unlike Leno, Letterman’s ratings have held steady since last summer when he — ahem — also reached an all-time low.

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Once again, the judges love Michael Costello’s work on ‘Project Runway’ (Thu., 9PM ET on LIFE). And once again, the other contestants are left bemused and incredulous. “You can’t do a zipper, a swoop, lace and satin! Come on!” says Gretchen Jones.

When Michael brags about the judges’ reaction to his turning a bridesmaid dress into a “sexy, sophisticated, expensive-looking” cocktail dress, Gretchen, Ivy Higa and the other competitors bite their tongues. But their pained expressions betray them.

In his absence, Gretchen’s exasperation bubbles to the surface.

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Billy Gardell co-stars with Melissa McCarthy in ‘Mike and Molly’ — a new fall sitcom that follows the two as they meet at Overweight Anonymous and begin dating. For the funnyman, a visit to ‘The Late Late Show’ (weeknights, 12:37AM ET on CBS) was his first late-night TV appearance.

Craig Ferguson probably doesn’t know much about Gardell, but the actor and his family are definitely familiar with the host. “My Aunt Judy adores you. Will you say hi to Aunt Judy?” pleaded Gardell.

Ferguson gestured for some cash. Gardell rummaged up a $20 bill. The host then got some particulars (like where she lives) and gave her a saucy shout-out.

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Actor Will Arnett appeared on ‘Late Show’ (weeknights, 11:35PM ET on CBS), and he had one burning topic on his mind. And that topic was … babies! Mr. Arnett has just had a second son. Well, actually, his wife Amy Poehler had it. Will just more sort of stood around in the delivery room, as guys tend to do.

Amy gave birth via a C-Section — which is a very private fact that her husband was cool with mentioning on national TV. We’re sure that Amy will be pleased. And here are some other unique and bizarre facts about Arnett’s new son, as told to David Letterman …

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