DVDgasm: Speed
July 28th, 2010
Hello Gasmii! P-Baby here for duty, with Diet Pepsi on tap to keep me cool from the ungodly temperatures outside. I don’t mean to keep bending the “rules” for my DVDgasm but I honestly could not bear to make myself sit through Clash of the Titans or Repo Man because Jude Law makes me want to puke and I want to remember Liam Neeson as the badass from Taken and not as mythical Greek God Zeus. I’ll probably get struck by lightning on my way to work tomorrow, but I’m long overdue for that anyway.
So on the advice of one of my beloved readers who suggested DVDgasm just entail any movie out on DVD worth snarking on, today’s selection comes straight to you all from P-Baby’s Book O’ Crappy Movies. The chosen one is none other than the Bomb on Bus abomination Speed, starring pre-Oscar Sandra, pre-Neo Keanu, and the wonderful bad boy Dennis Hopper (RIP).
“But P-Baby, how could you turn down Repo Man but be ok with watching Speed for the 957th time?”
Well kiddies, that’s just how I roll. One man’s trash is another woman’s prized $5 DVD find.
On with the show!
Ominous music plays as the credits roll over a dark elevator shaft. I’m already pumped! Weird things happens in elevators, like Emilio Estevez eating it 10 minutes into Mission Impossible, Michael Douglas banging the crap out of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, and an ocean of blood cascading down the hall in The Shining and those are just off the top of my head.
So this time around, an innocent security guard happens across Dennis Hopper dressed as a repair man and challenges his story of just completing a work order. Clearly this security fellow has never seen Blue Velvet, because if he had, he probably would have just left that nutjob alone and hauled ass out of there. Security fellow wasn’t for long in this movie and gets stabbed in the face by Dennis. We are also treated to the fact that Dennis has deformed hands. Remember this, Gasmii, it will be important later.
After a meeting lets out, a bunch of self-importat 30 something yuppies get into an elevator. The elevator’s cables snap and it starts free-falling, luckily saved by the emergency brakes. Panicked workers run out of the building while sirens blare on the streets, incidcating the iminent arrival of law enforcement and the SWAT team, who were apparently equipped with flying cars in 1994 as one dramatically crests a hill and lands directly in front of the building.
The first problem with this whole clusterfuck is who they sent on the mission. If I’m stuck 30 floors up in an elevator at the hands of a psychopath, I’m probably going to shit my pants if I see these two at the helm of my resuce.
13 people are stuck on this elevator and on the ground we have the creater of Skynet apparently calling the shots. I guess after the whole Skynet thing took a shit on the future of mankind, he decided to fall back on leading the Los Angeles SWAT team because here he is bossing people around.
Jack Traven (Keanu) and Harry Temple (Jeff Daniels) are sent as leads to check out what the hell is going on in the elevator shaft. I’m totally on to why this movie was a smash hit. Keanu circa 1994 was smokin’ hot. Then this happened.
Jack and Harry promise to have the hostages out of the elevator as soon as possible though they fail to mention to them the fact that there is a bomb strapped on top of their death trap. Jack deduces that Howard Payne (Dennis) is probably going to blow the elevator regardless of ongoing hostage negotiations and decides the best course of action is to get the hostages out of the elevator.
Jack and Harry are successful in getting all the yuppies off the elevator, severely pissing off Howard in the process.
Jack questions why the elevator fell early and figures out that Howard must be in the building. Bing! They discover him in one of the freight elevators and after a shoot out, Howard manages to hold Harry hostage. In order to save Harry, Jack shoots Harry in the leg, causing Howard to release him for a quicker escape. He detonates an explosion in a parking garage, knocking Jack unconcious and making it appear as though Howard gets killed. That can’t be though, because if Howard is dead, then I don’t have another 100 minutes of awesomely bad movie to sit through! After the fallout, Jack and Harry get awarded medals and accolades for their bravery during the whole situation. Harry also gets promoted but is now relgated to a desk job due to his injured leg.
So after a late night bender of booze and whores to celebrate their awesomeness, a bus explodes in front of Jack on his way to work in the morning. That probably did nothing to help his hangover, but that’s what you get when you shoot your partner in the leg. Shortly after the explosion, a nearby payphone rings. It’s Howard! Not only is he alive and full of vengeful hate, but he’s planted a bomb on yet another bus.
Howard is demanding $3.7 million, and tells Jack that once the bus reaches 50 miles an hour, it becomes armed to explode. After the bomb is triggered, if the bus falls below 50, it blows. I may be a victim of the media and pop-culture saturation but doesn’t $3.7 million sound like a pretty manageable sum for the city of Los Angeles? We pay Angelina Jolie $27 million to adopt babies and look sultry. Alex Rodriguez has a $275 million ten year contract with the Yankees to contract STDs from Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz. All Howard wants is paltry $3.7 million which I’m pretty sure he could get just by appearing on a few seasons of a VH1 reality show. His version of the Rock of Love Bus would put Bret Michaels to shame.
Howard has also managed to wire the bus so that if anyone attempts to get off, he’ll blow it up. It also blows if he doesn’t get his money by 11 AM. Howard does Jack a solid and gives him the bus number of 2525 and it’s current location. Jack now has a fire under his ass and jumps in his car to find it.
Sandra Bullock has no problem finding the bus, as she is frantically chasing it down the street as kindly bus driver Sam slows to let her board. She really is a cute lady, that Sandra, and undoubtedly one of America’s sweethearts but I dare say…{whispers quietly}…that Meryl should have won the Oscar. Please don’t beat me.
After boarding the bus, Annie (Sandra) gets mildly harassed by another passenger, who’s just going to be called Cameron because let’s be honest, that’s his name. Well, his real life name is Alan Ruck and I’m sure he has a fine body of work but…his name is Cameron.
He babbles on and on annoying Annie to the point where she actually moves seats, sitting next to some crazy old bat who is probably a Jesus Freak with five million cats at home. Jack speeds through the LA traffic and catches up to the bus. For some reason he ditches his car and tries to catch up on foot, beating the side of the bus demanding to be let on. Since he appears completely looney toons, the passengers tell Sam not to let him on.
Jack carjacks a guy in a convertible who is African American, so he automatically assume some Cops shit is going down and that he’s being arrested for a stolen car. Jack finally writes a note telling all the chodes on board there is a bomb on the bus. Unfortunately, in all this hubbub, Sam has gone over 50 MPH and activated the bomb. They finally let Jack board while the poor car-jacked dude is left on the side of the road with a busted up car.
Jack calls Harry and tells him that Harold is still alive. Skynet is all over it, storming Harry’s desk also informing him of the bus hostage situation. I don’t know what these chowderheads think Harry is going to do about it since he just got shot in the leg and should probably taking a personal day drinking margaritas by a pool somewhere.
Jack announces himself as LAPD and Annie gets all in his face telling him he’s scaring everyone. Of course one of the Mexican dudes on the bus has a handgun and points it at Jack, thinking he is there to arrest him. Jack’s all “I’m not here for you man, let’s not do this and go smoke some grass,” and the Mexican guy is all “Silencio motherfucker! Alto el autobus!” and then Jack says “Look, dude, I’m totally cool. I don’t even know how to shoot this thing but I’m going to put it away and I’ll be cool and you’ll be cool and it’s all gravy,” and then the Mexican guy accidentally shoots Sam after another passenger decides to grow a pair and grab him from behind.
Annie takes over driving due to Sam’s gaping bullet wound and tries to slow down the bus, prompting Jack to yell at her not to or the bus will explode. Jack explains to all the passengers the predicament they are in. ”Ok everyone. There’s a bomb on the bus. If we slow down, it’ll explode. I’m speaking in this monotone voice as to not frighten or excite you. Also, because it’s the only way I know how to talk. I actually completely baked right now but it’s no big deal. So we have to stay above 50 or else we’re all toast. Mmmm, toast. If anyone tries to get off, it’ll explode. Again, do not be alarmed at this announcement or my complete lack of emotion.”
Back at the office, Harry is holding down the fort at his desk while Skynet and pal are off to the chopper! Howard is watching all this shit go down on a bunch of TVs in his hideout. He hears about the LAPD officer who’s managed to board the bus, knowing it must be Jack. He’s very excited about this.
Jack calls Harry for some advice on what to look for, because Harry is the brains of the partnership while Jack serves as the brawn and eye-candy. I actually really love Jeff Daniels as an actor and think he is totally above making crap like this. At the same time, I love this movie whole heartedly so I guess it all works out in the end. Harry tells Jack to check for any wires or things that have been tampered with. He then tells him to check under the bus, which he does through the access panel on the bus floor. He sees the bomb under there with a red light, green light, circuit wire, gold watch. and “enough C4 to blow a hole in the world.” I say again, folks, why am I not yet a Hollywood screenwriter? Harry asks what kind of watch and Harry figures out that Howard was a former member of the LAPD. Meanwhile, Skynet has located the bus in his chopper and is following them, attempting to clear the road.
The bus keeps driving and driving, hitting about 3 million cars, a stroller full of cans, some water barriers, a mariachi band, a gang of mimes, Justin Bieber, and some other shit that’s expendable. Skynet tells Jack to get onto Interstate 105 which has been out of use and after a narrow brush with tipping over on a hard right turn they make it onto the freeway.
The passengers are starting to tweak out a little bit though not too badly considering the situation. Skynet directs his force to keep the road open for the bus. Jack takes this time to eye-fuck Annie a little while she’s driving and they engage in some meaningless chit chat. How long could it possibly take to scrape together $3.7 million? Just go knock on Ryan Seacrest’s door cuz dude is loaded. Except this was 1994 and he was hosting a show called Gladiators 2000 back then, which I guess was some sort of American Gladiators for pimply teens.
Skynet pulls up beside the bus on a trailer and directs Jack to get the passengers off the bus. He tells Skynet to fuck off because Howard’s already planned for something like this to go down. Howard calls Jack and tells him to stop misbehaving, as he can see what’s going on due to the TV broadcasts. Jack manages to negotiate for Sam to get off the bus due to his injury and Howard obliges. Crazy Jesus Freak Cat Lady is pissed because she convinced she’s going to die and wants off the bus like yesterday. After Sam is evacuated, she attempts to get off the bus as well causing Howard to detonate a bomb under the steps and rolling the Crazy Lady under the bus. She only has herself to blame. Why do people never follow the instructions of the crazed hostage bomber terrorists?
The passengers start to get all Lord of the Flies on each other while Annie is rattled from the Cat Lady’s death and the miniature bomb exploding. Jack tells her it’s ok to be glad she’s alive and not to feel bad about Cat Lady being a dumb bitch. He also says that Howard is the asshole that has put them all in this situation.
Come to find out, the freeway isn’t finished and actually has a 50 foot gap about three miles down the road. Nice work, Skynet. Jack tells Annie to floor it and shoot the gap. Good luck to all of you on this venture. I guess since the LAPD have flying cars, Jack figures the bus can fly too. They increase the speed and make it over the gap and cheering ensues. Hold the phone. There is no fucking way a city bus with about 20 passengers and all their shit is going to even make it across a five foot gap, let alone fifty feet. Once again, I am not one to sit there and call bullshit on movies for the unbelievable stunts, etc, such as Charlize Theron playing an ugly serial killing hooker or Cameron Diaz playing just about anything, but this is just asking too much.
After defying gravity and every other law of physics ever written, the passengers rejoice. Jack directs Annie to get off at the next exit which conveniently happens to be an exit for the Los Angeles Airport. I guess the plan is to circle around on the runways free of cars and also restricting news helicopters from flying into the airspace. In the process, he also probably holds up thousands of passengers attempting to fly to and from wherever by way of Los Angeles. I’m sure that even though this all occurred sixteen years ago and on the other side of the country it will somehow manage to fuck with me the next time I dare fly somewhere because that’s just the nature of the beast. I hate flying.
At the airport, Jack and the LAPD gang are able to go about their business defusing the bomb without Howard seeing them as the news broadcasts are unable to film. Jack talks to Howard on the phone and Howard’s all “I want my money in unmarked bills you unemotional imbecile. Can you handle that?” and Jack’s all, “You didn’t earn that money, dude, and I can’t help it if I have trouble conveying emotion. Can we just end this and spark a doobie?” and Howard’s all “Fuck you, I earned it, my hand got blown up and all I got was a shitty watch and pink slip. Do not attempt to grow a brain.”
Howard agrees to let Jack off the bus under the guise of negotiating for Howard’s money. The passengers are pretty understanding when this happens. I’d probably kick him in the groin for ditching me, but not before engaging in a adrenaline-fueled make out sesh. I can’t help it, Keanu is hot in this flick.
Jack gets on some kind of metal sled hooked to a zipline that is hooked to the back of a truck. He sleds himself under the bus to get a better angle to defuse the bomb. Harry starts to talk him through it from the office and Jack does some fancy wire clipping and recircuiting that looks good but is probably completely ineffective.
It’s kind of like when I’m at work and keep a powerpoint slide with some crap written on it open but really just read crap or play Collapse all day, so when the boss walks by, I can pop open the powerpoint and look awesome and hard at work.
At the same time Harry figures out that Howard is behind everything and take off to hunt him down. The bus hits a bump with Jack underneath and his sled starts to swerve out of control. Annie is frantic because she hasn’t had a chance at Little Jack yet and doesn’t want Big Jack to be dead before she gets her turn. Jack manages to hang on by stabbing a screwdriver into the fuel tank of the bus and gets pulled to safety by the passengers.
So on top of everything else, the bus is now leaking gas pretty rapidly, giving the passengers about ten more minutes before stalling. Jack is counting on Harry to find Howard, but seriously, why is Harry limping around the outside of Howard’s house about to break in when he should be stuffing his face with cupcakes on the couch and watching a True Life marathon? He was just shot like an hour ago and now he’s back on the beat already. Sucks for Harry because Howard is on to the fact that they were going to figure out his identity and has rigged his house with a bomb which explodes, killing Harry and his entire team.
Howard calls Jack and toys with him a little bit. Howard says,”Hey Jack, did you hear that your smarter friend Harry got blown up in my house? Was it the watch that led you to me? Now do what I tell you or you’re fucked,” and Jack says,”I’m gonna rip out your spine you fuck. Can you tell I’m mad now? No? Well I am, so when I get my hands on you, you’re dead,” to which Howard replies, “Heineken? Fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON!” and Jack’s all,”What the fuck?” Howard gives Jack the drop off point for his money and hangs up the phone.
Jack realizes that Howard has been watching the bus by way of a hidden camera because he kept referring to Annie as a wildcat and she’s been wearing a sweatshirt from the University of Arizona whose mascot happens to be a wildcat. I hope I’m not alone when I say that I did not know off the top of my head that Arizona’s mascot was a wildcat, but I guess it would have been too obvious if Howard repeatedly referred to Annie as a Trojan or a Volunteer.
Jack forms a plan and has Skynet loop footage through a signal, enabling them to get the passengers off the bus safely. Jack and Annie escape off the bus through the access panel in the floor after rigging the gas pedal to stay down. The bus crashes head on into a cargo plane causing a huge explosion. Jack starts to fall for Annie after sharing such an intense and dangerous experience together even though we all know these relationships tend to fail miserably. Annie likes him too, though, just in time for her to get kidnapped, strapped with a suicide vest and handcuffed to a subway train.
The LAPD form a plan to catch Howard as he picks up his ransom money, staking out the entire area. Howard figures out that the tape was looped and gets really pissed when he realizes everyone has made it off the bus. Howard really isn’t the kind of guy that I want on my bad side. He disguises himself as a police officer and kidnaps Annie who is waiting nearby on the street.
Through an escape route under the drop off point, Skynet and friends realize that Howard managed to get the money without revealing himself. In the meantime he has also managed to strap Annie with a vest full of dynamite connected to a pressure release detonator that Howard is in possession of. Jack jumps down the escape route, stumbling upon Annie and Howard. Jack says “Let her go, you don’t need her. Please man,” and Howard says,” Ha, tough shit Surfer Boy. Too bad Harry isn’t around anymore because I know you’re not gonna shoot this hot piece of ass,” and Jack says,”You’re a crazy fucker, man,” and Howard says,”Do not fuck with me, I will explode her ass right now.”
Howard escapes into a subway station with the ransom money and gets onto a train with Annie. Since Howard is a crazy bastard, he refuses to let Annie go even though homeboy got paid, sucka. He hijacks the train and handcuffs Annie inside. Jack pries the door open on the train just in time to board before it starts moving down the tracks.
Howard notices the train conductor calling for help and shoots him. Even though he’s already pissed from his bus plot getting foiled, he gets even angrier when he gets shot in the face from the dye packs attached to his ransom money. Skynet really must want Jack dead for all the fuck ups he’s made this movie.
He starts shooting at the top of the train where Jack is, hanging on by the skin of his teeth. Howard decides to chase Jack to the top of the train and starts fighting with him. Howard pretty much has the upper hand and keeps threatening to drop the bomb trigger device through the whole fight. Howard gets on top of Jack and starts to suppress his airway with the detonator but Jack lifts him up, causing Howard to be decapitated by a tunnel light. Jack goes back down to where Annie is and deactivates her bomb by yanking on one of the wires. Really? That seems pretty reckless seeing as how Harry had to talk Jack through defusing the bomb under the bus just a short time ago before getting blown up by yet another bomb in Howard’s booby trapped house.
Annie is now free of her death vest but still handcuffed to the train and minus one key. The train is moving at a high rate of speed and unable to be stopped due to severe damage from Howard’s gunshots. Skynet calls over the radio to let Jack know that, similar to the Interstate, the track isn’t complete. Does the Los Angeles Department of Transporation just not complete any projects allowing for mass transit? What the hell is going on here?
The train cannot be stopped, because its control panel is heavily damaged by Payne’s bullets. Jack tries to get Annie loose from her cuffs and fails pretty miserably. Again, like the bus, he decides the best option is to accelerate and derail the train. Jack stays with Annie on the train and they embrace, waiting for impact. The train derails and breaks apart, busting through a bunch of shit and coming to a stop on Hollywood Boulevard.
Annie realizes that Jack chose to stay with her rather than exit the train and save himself, causing her to love Jack even more and the two finally suck face in front of a crowd of onlookers. I hope those two crazy kids can make it last based off the really crappy day they just had.
Well Gasmii, Keanu and Sandra are safe to live another day and entertain us with more crappy movies. Hope you enjoyed and be sure to come back on Friday for the latest edition of..duh duh duhhhhh….Horrorgasm!
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