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Gasmii! Ever since the relaunch something has felt amiss. Recently Nads was able to point out exactly what was different: TVGasm had stopped giving away cool stuff. So we are here to make right our wrong. On Tuesday September 28th Comedy Central is releasing A Little Box of Butters DVD. This DVD set gives a window into the the life of Leopold “Butters” Stotch.  But today on TVGASM you can win a free copy.

All you have to do is follow TVGasm (@TVGasm) on twitter and answer our trivia question about Butters. We will be tweeting the question at 2pm PST TODAY so get ready. The contest will run until 8:59am tomorrow and we will randomly select one winner from everyone who responds correctly. Remember to direct your response to @tvgasm so we see it.

Have fun and good luck!  Read the rest of this entry »

Our Fall Preview continues with Trailer Trashes of My Generation, Outsourced, and %$#@ My Dad Says

My Generation, ABC

Cherie: My generation sux so I hope they mean someone else’s.

Chance of Success: If it has anything to do with Spencer or Heidi, set off a nuclear bomb now.

Flipit: This show is a fake documentary about what happens ten years after high school. I got teary watching it. I think because I was supposed to be Julia Roberts by now and I’m more Tyne Daly. Damn you show! Well, America likes wallowing in depression so this should do well. Plus, it’s one of the only new dramas not about freaking cops or lawyers. I hope it stays on awhile, because the only way I am ever in touch with my emotions enough to sob mid binge is when I’m watching TV and this seems to fit that bill.

St. Claire of Assisi: Do you remember where you were the first time you met an Iraqi refugee with 9/11 AIDS while you were cleaning up New Orleans? John Kerry subprime mortgages Madoff!

Chance of Success: 1.1%

Video chat is SO OUR GENERATION you guys.

HoneyGangsta: I literally get mad when I run into people from high school. I thought I was done with them at graduation. This show is like my worst nightmare.

Chance of Success: 2%

SexyPanda: I don’t know if I need to reminisce about shit that happened 10 years ago. I still remember it. We’ll see.

Chance of Success: 50%

Bbitz: Probably the best new show of the season.

Chance of Success: 0%

Outsourced: NBC

Bbitz: A show that makes me pissed I didn’t think of it first. This might do for Indians what “Will & Grace” did for gays in America. Less threatening, more clownish.

Chance of Success: 50%

Cherie: Is this being filmed in a 7-Eleven?

Chance of Success: Hell I’ll watch

St. Claire of Assisi: Uh…at least they got actual Indian actors…right?

Chance of Success: -50% It actually hurts the chances of other shows. This is why we won’t get another season of Running Wilde.

Monamonzano: Zany Indians! Why I never…

SexyPanda: I sigh, only because this show is replacing Parks and Rec. Hopefully, it dies quickly and Leslie Knope is back in my life again soon.

Chance of Success: 40%

PottyMouth: Isn’t Indian food so weird? Aren’t their accents so HILARIOUS? Ugh. This show looks to be as funny as that mobile phone commercial with the two Indian guys. Pass.

Chance of Success: -25%

Flipit: Is this based on the crappy movie of the same name that no one saw? I laughed at the preview, but I don’t know how funny our unemployed country is gonna find a bunch of cute Indians doing their jobs for fifty cents an hour. As long as I don’t have to wait on hold for half an hour with this cast to get my cable bill straightened out, I say good on them.

Chance of Success: 70%

#$%# My Dad Says, CBS

HoneyGangsta: I love Shatner, but seriously, how far can you stretch a Twitter account? One, two episodes?

Chance of Success: 10%

Cherie: My Dad said never mix beer with milk.

Chance of Success: 20% unless there’s mostly booze.

St. Claire of Assisi: Peas and rice I’m excited for this show!

Chance of Success: One hundred million percent!

SexyPanda: LOVE the Twitter feed; think the show only has material for one season. (But I’ll watch! Especially if the dad talks about poops and how much of a pussy his son is!)

Chance of Success: 65%

Bbitz: What kind of !@#% wouldn’t love this show?! This @#!@#.

Chance of Success: 10%

PottyMouth: I just can’t. I tried, really I did. Okay, I didn’t. What of it?

Chance of Success: I don’t know about chances of success, but chances of me watching this? NIL.

Flipit: I love sarcastic bitter funny people. I was excited for this one because the main character sounds like an Archie Bunker type and that old bastard is one of my heros. Unfortunately, he’s played by Shatner in a fishing vest. WTF? That’s like Frasier starring in Home Improvement. The Twitter feed is funny, this trailer isn’t. Is Don Rickles still alive? Cuz he should be the star of this. And the creators of Will and Grace should know by now that if they want a successful show they need Jack and Karen.

Chance of Success: This should make it a season based on the source material alone.

Monamozano: You wanna see shit my dad says? Get him a little hammered on my front porch, then ask him about Medical Malpractice reform. Bam! Where’s my check?

My Generation (ABC), @#$% My Dad Says (CBS), and Outsourced (NBC) all begin tonight! My Generation will be recapped here by St. Claire of Assisi.

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Ryan Seacrest had the Idol judges on his show for their first interview.

Here it is:

“I love you!” “No, I love you, you’re amazing.” “Seriously, you’re amazing.” “No, you are!” “I like your eyes!”

Ugh.

Judging on appearance alone, I’d say:

J.Lo–love her or hate her, looks great for herself.

Steven–that man has some serious miles on his face. It’s scary.

Randy–looks like he’s still there to be the “yes man.”

I’m so curious to see their dynamic on the show. The first four minutes of the interview is kind of interesting, but the rest is a big ego stroke to the judges. Steven seems to think he’s going to be the mean one of the group, while J.Lo calls him soulful…PUKE! All I have to say is thank God for Jimmy Iovine for being a permanent mentor…the show needs somebody like him. This season will be interesting.

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Your new American Idol judges are: Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler, and Randy Jackson. There you have it. Nice “BIG REVEAL” guys!

I’m pissed I wasted my time on that dumb webcast.

Onward…

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Let just get to it…The first eliminated contestant from DWTS is….David Hasselhoff. I have to say I was a little shocked by last night’s results. Not because he was a good dancer, because he wasn’t by any means, but I was shocked because I thought The Hoff would stay due to popularity, and he didn’t. That just goes to show he wasn’t as hot as a commodity that ABC thought he was. The Hoff said, “It’s been a great ride…I feel bad for Kym because she worked so hard to try and get me where I was going. I’m just so proud that my daughters are here and got to see me go this far. So, it’s great.” He does realized he didn’t go “that far” doesn’t he? I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he means the rehearsal, getting up on stage, etc.

I kind of feel bad for our tiger, he looked like he was trying so hard.

He tweeted, “SORRY I WENT OUT SO EARLY AND THANKS TO ALL WHO VOTED..I FEEL A GREAT AMOUNT OF LOVE AND RESPECT FOR KYM MY PARTNER AND FRIEND!!xoxo,”

“KYMMIE YOU ROCK…SORRY I LET YOU DOWN….AT LEAST I DIDNT FALL DOWN…..KEEP SMILIN!!!”

Poor lil’ Hoff.

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Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! I must be crazy drunk high am so pleased to be back ‘capping another season of sequins, semi-fancy footwork, and poor biased judging for all of my Gasmic Darlings! My life is just not complete without the glitter madness known as Dancing With The Stars.

Just like The Berge is not complete without deep throating microphones and The Brooke is not complete without showing off her cleave.

Hopefully you all read the “Meet The Cast” intro that Flipit and I put together, because then you’ll be all caught up on my initial predictions, and how wrong I was!  I should know better than to write things while sober-I always try to make sense and then I’m all wrong and it’s full of the suck.  At least when you’re all hopped up on pharmaceuticals you have something to blame your failures on.

Speaking of failures…

Poor Kym.  First she’s stuck with Mormon Royalty, then gets King Boozey.  Talk about both sides of the spectrum.

The Predicament doesn’t have shit on this bitch.

The introductions are pretty standard, each couple being named while walking down the stairs.  Still waiting and wishing and hoping and praying for someone to eat shit while going down, but except for a near miss by Large Marge, no luck.  Highlights of the introductions: “Teen Activist” Bristol Palin-so, is activist the new slang for slut?  If so, just call me Suburban Drunken Activist, HappyHousewife.  Shit, I need to get that printed on some business cards.  Sounds all fancy.  Also, “Music Legend” Michael Bolton.  Yes, he was super duper famous for a few years when I was a kid, but what’s he done to be relevant in the last decade other than boning a desperate housewife?  Using that logic, HappyHusband is an “engineering legend”.  Legendary Laughingstock would be more accurate, thanks to the greatest movie in the land, Office Space.

Why should I change?  He’s the one who sucks.

A few disclaimers I should throw in before I get started:  pretty much everything I’m going to say in this recap is strictly my opinion, and pure bullshit conjecture.  We all know that virtually all reality TV is not really reality at all, and I think that while DWTS can’t really be completely scripted, it is set up to get certain results.  I think the partnerships are chosen very carefully (why can’t the producers throw poor Chelsie or Louis a bone already?) and the judging could hardly be called consistent, let alone accurate.  Again, just my opinion, not fact, and only throwing this out there so you can save yourself the hate mail about how full of crap I am.  It’s pretty obvious I’m full of crap, tell me something I don’t know.

With that out of the way, let’s rock and roll!

Wait, so you’re saying I can wave whenever I want?  Where’s Lauren?  Where’s my script?  I can’t breathe without a cue.  I’M SO CONFUSED!

Audrina Patridge: I’m actually pretty happy for her partner, Tony Dovolani.  I like the guy, but he has not been given much to work with partner wise so far in his DWTS career (except for that Keibler chick), culminating in being paired with Shitler last season.

This week, they were very happy to pull the Cha-Cha, to California Gurls by Katy Perry, because it’s fun and sassy-much unlike our girl Droopy (her eyes, not her rack).  Tony is pleased because Droopy actually picked up the routine very quickly.  I’m finding it a bit hard to hate on the girl because she seems rather likable, definitely moreso than some of her Hills costars.

As for the performance-I was surprised. I expected her to march around the floor all zombielike, a’la Kim Kardashian, but she was actually decent!  You could see in a few places where she was still counting her steps, but when she let go and trusted herself, it was nice and fluid.  Very basic, but pretty damn good for week one.  First judging of the year-someone get me a beer!  Batshit Bruno is confused, though, referring to her as a “show pony”-no, Bruno, this is the Hills star that resembles a basset hound.  Heidi Montag is the horsey one.  Geez.  Len referred to clenched buttocks, and Carrie Ann was pleased, thinking she has major potential.  Score: 19

In between judging and actually receiving the scores, as you all know, the contestants must help eat up some screen time by visiting The Brooke in the Celebriquarium.  99% of the time, these interviews are awkward, pointless, and will make you feel dumber than before you watched it.  So unless someone gets naked, violent, or exciting in there, I will save your brain cells and mine by skimming over the fluff.

Yup, that one’s definitely a fluffer.

Kurt Warner: Okay dudes, if you were hoping for some Kurt snark from me, I can officially let you know that you’re not going to get it. After watching his intro, I have decided that he is adorable!  He’s got 7 kids, one of which is special needs, he’s a philanthropist, an all around good guy.  And a quarterback. I have a thing for quarterbacks.  They can throw it deep, run it in, and make plays happen.  Rawr.  He’s been partnered with Anna, which is a great match for him-she’s as sweet as he is, and she does well with athletes.

I dub thee, Cute Warner.  Swoon.

They’ve been assigned the Viennese Waltz for tonight, to the tune of “This Ain’t a Love Song” by Bon Jovi.  Cute’s all clumsy at first, but really starts to get the hang of the footwork and posture by the end of rehearsals.

Anna’s looking gorgeous in a deep red dress, and I thought their performance was a great effort for week one.  A few posture issues, a few weak arms, but he seemed quite comfortable and graceful on the dance floor.

Batshit thought Cute Warner was very graceful and light on his feet for a quarterback, and that he has great potential.  Carrie Ann agrees, and complimented him on his natural connection with the audience and with Anna.  Len was a total dick (big surprise) at judging, and completely unfair.  He said that the performance was not graceful or lyrical, and he completely trashed it.  Please see my disclaimer above about biased judging.  Note to self: do not ever listen to Len.  Fucking Alzheimers is rotting his brain.   As for the QB, do we have a sleeper contender here?  He was also very gracious while being interview by The Brooke, saying that he is used to not being able to please everyone from his NFL career, and it’s okay.

He gets a 7, 5 (FU LEN), 7.  Score: 19

Kyle Massey: No wonder I didn’t know who in the hell this kid is: He’s a Disney star not named Miley and without naked pics on the internet. Fame fail!  The Berge informs us that Kyle is relevant because he’s a rapper and was on a “smash hit” show called “Cory In The House”.  Yeah, must have been real popular if my kids haven’t even heard of it.  And I was wrong about Margaret Cho…Chubs here  is actually the token fat chick of the season. Or is it his partner, Lacey? Love the girl, but damn…either the new blonde hair is extremely unflattering on her or girlfriend spent her season off eating Ding Dongs. I had to check twice to make sure I wasn’t watching Dance Your Ass Off.

I didn’t know Aubrey O’Day was on this season!?!?

Aubrey calls Chubs out for staring at her rack during rehearsals, but I think she’s giving herself too much credit.  They’re not that big, and they have a floppy quality to them.  Hopefully she’s saving up some of her bank this season for some implants.  Everyone knows fake tits are the secret to a fulfilling life.

As for their Cha Cha to “My First Kiss” by 3OH!3 (that was extremely painful to write, I cannot believe trash like that is repping my beloved Denver) and Ke$ha (speaking of trash), holy shit!  Chubs has got some moves!  Aubrey and her over the top faces aside, Chubs busted it out.  I’m not sure if he has any formal training or not, but you would have never known by looking at him.  It may have been mostly charisma and swagger, but that will get you far in a competition like this.

He’s not impressed with the blonde hair either.

Carrie Ann has a crush on Chubs, and she was totally impressed by their performance.  Len liked it (I guess everyone can get something right once in a while), and Batshit compared Chubs to an energetic, naughty little puppy that he wants to take home with him.  Awesome, Batshit’s into bestiality.  I could have gone on with life without knowing that.  Score: 23

The more you don’t want to watch this show.

Rick Fox: Of course, the contestant that creeps me out the most is partnered with the pro I like the least: our dear friend Mophead. Lovely. The Cheryl Burke Fanclub is going to spend another entire season sending me death threats. I got a new email address for you guys, though: dontcutyourself@itsjustalamerealityshow.com.

Someone actually asking for her autograph causes her to orgasm. Fame. Whore.

Has Slick Rick had work done?  Over the top veneers also?  Is that why his face creeps me out?

Hey, that’s one of the Jackson 5!  No, not the dead one.

Slick’s pretty sure he’s going to be an awesome dancer because he played basketball on hardwood floors, and you dance on hardwood floors, so obviously that translates.  Duh.  He is over a foot taller than Mophead, so I’m very interested to see how this will translate.  They worked on how to adjust their posture in rehearsals, and girlfriend got herself a higher pair of heels.

My biased opinion is that their performance was only meh, but after rewatching, I have to admit, they were pretty good.  They overcame the height difference and Slick doesn’t move like a dude that is 6’7″.    IMO, Kurt’s dance was not substandard to this one, but Len must like dark meat because he was swooning all over this one…7 for Rick and a 5 for Kurt? Racist!  Like, backwards racism or something!  Batshit predicts a showdown between the two athletes in the competition, and he also thought their performances were evenly matched.  Carrie Ann is all wet in the panties over this dude and made the obligatory “You’re such a fox” joke.  Har har.

Only redeeming factor? The shots of Missy in the audience. “Are you trying to tell me you speak fag?” Score: 22

Margaret Cho: Yeah, Large Marge is back to being semi fat! And she is all tatted up, and does her mom impression in the first 20 seconds of her intro! Yay! I like her so much better fat. Food makes people happy. And funny. (So what’s my excuse?) She’s partnered with Louis, of course, because I guess his contract has the chubby chick clause? Or he has exceptional upper body strength? Who knows.

Large Marge gets all verklempt in rehearsals because she always wanted to be a ballerina when she was a kid, but was made fun of for being a “fat ballerina”.  Then she started purging and got famous!  Yay!  Kidding.

Bulimia: You’re doing it wrong.  You have to purge after you binge, or it doesn’t work.

Louis and Large Marge waltzed to “We Are the Champions” by Queen.  They took a humorous turn to the performance, and I thought it was funny.  She did take her face a little too far, though.

Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I was just joking with the bulimia dig!  Please don’t eat me!  But if you do, puke me up after, kay?

AND OMG her mom was in the crowd! Please please please talk to Mom!!!

The judges did NOT appreciate the humor in the Viennese Waltz, though, and showed it in the scoring.  Batshit was like me and was worried she was going to eat him (don’t worry, Bruno, I think you’re a little too fruity tasting for her), Carrie Ann thought it was too overdone, and Len did not think this particular style of dance was appropriate for joking around.  Score: 15

Brandy: I ain’t gotta lie to kick it.  I was a gigantic Brandy fan back in the day.  I cannot even tell you how many afternoons I spent pining over a fellow eighth grader and crying my heart out while singing along to “Have You Ever”.

Even she can’t stand to watch the Ray-J/Kim K sex tape.

Bonus points for being partnered with the one, the only, my baby daddy, Mr. Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Words are not necessary.

Brandy and Baby Daddy will be performing a Viennese Waltz to “Cry Me Out” by Pixie Lott this week.  Brandy is overwhelmed at first by Baby Daddy’s hotness (aren’t we all) then says that she will welcome his verbal abuse because she needs someone to be hard on her (that’s what I said).

I said 1,2, STEP, bitch!  Now you must die.

Brandy is probably this season’s favorite to win, and has prior dance training, so we should hold her to a bit higher standard.  Overall, she did really well.  A little stiffer than I would have expected (and she’s not the one I want stiff), but very well danced.

Carrie Ann thinks she hit some of her lines a little too hard, but agreed that it was a good performance.  Len thought she made a fantastic impression and danced fabulously.  Batshit says he loves the taste of Brandy in the evening, and I’m surprised because I would have sworn that he doesn’t swing that way. Score: 23

Bristol Palin: Next up this evening is the “teen activist” from Alaska.  Shit, I was way too hard on Pammy Anderson last season-she was actually just a “meth activist”!  Got it.  Isn’t Bristol a Nascar Speedway?  That’s probably where her white trash parents got the inspiration for her name.  Anyhoo, Nascar is paired up with Mark Balls this season.

Bitch, put those things away!  That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.

So all I’ve heard all day long is how good she did last night considering she’s never really been in the public eye before (bullshit), how she’s only infamous thanks to her mom (true) and how endearing her shyness was (Levi says she’s not shy at all).  Call me cynical, but if the limelight and tabloids really bother her that much, why go on the biggest reality show on network television?  21 million viewers last night!  Way to get yourself some privacy, trick.  You obviously inherited your mother’s intelligence.  If you want to stay out of the tabloids, dump the baby daddy, go pick up a few shifts at the Wasilla IHOP, find yourself a cute little apartment and a non-douchebag husband, pop out a few more puppies and call it good.

Oh yeah.  We’re talking about Dancing.  Mark Balls and Nascar will be performing a Cha Cha to “Mama Told Me Not to Come”.  Cheeky.  There was a big brouhaha over the fact that Queen Sarah herself was supposed to be in the audience Monday night, and that the beefed up security detail was instructed that if there was a breach, Sarah was of higher priority than her daughter.  Nice.  Anyhow, Sarah didn’t show, and I hear it was because she and Nascar got into a huge fight Sunday night so she blew it off.  Holy crap, where do I nominate this chick for Mother of the Year?

At least Nascar’s pretty.

Nascar tried really hard, I’ll give her that.  And she’s pretty.  See, I can be a nice girl!  She was just SO stiff, and lacks the natural groove and swagger you need to have to be a good dancer.  She may be able to gain some of that with time, though.  Len agreed with me (ew), Batshit said that this is virgin territory for her (well, at least something still is) and she just needs to focus, and Carrie Ann thought she was going to be boring, but she has great legs. Score: 18

Week One and the teen mother is getting naked already.  How cliched.

Florence Henderson:  Yet another example of how wrong I was in the “meet the cast”.  I love Aunt Flo already!  She is totally witty, snarky, and ready to beat some bitches up on the dance floor.  She’s paired up with Corky Ballas, Mark Balls’ dad.  He comes on the show to dance with all the old ladies.  Hey, everyone’s got a fetish.

Does this chick drink formaldehyde with dinner? She looks great, and is so well-preserved!

Ever wanted to know the root of Mark Balls’ dorkiness?

Meet Corky Balls.

Aunt Flo and Corky Balls will be dancing a Cha Cha to “Kiss Me, Honey Honey, Kiss Me” by Shirley Bassey.  Aunt Flo thinks that even at her age, you can still be hot and sexy and show all the young tricks how it is done.  She wants to be funny a’la Cloris, but she actually wants to perform the dances well.  Aunt Flo is actually in very good shape, and drops f-bombs all over rehearsals.  I think I just met my hero.

Their Cha Cha was very silly and simple, but it worked for her.  I think she did much better than everyone, including myself was expecting.  The judges did not like Large Marge’s attempt at humor, so we’ll see if Aunt Flo fared better.

And thanks to the biased scripted fair and balanced judging, she did!  She and Batshit talked dirty to each other for a bit, and he said that while there are some things to work on, it was okay.  Carrie Ann agreed, but likes Aunt Flo’s spunkiness.  And Len contradicted all the times that he said “this is first and foremost a dance show” and says that while this is a dance show, it is also an entertainment show, and Aunt Flo is a great entertainer.  Hypocrite! Score: 18.

Michael Bolton: Our beloved no-talent ass clown has ditched the mullet and is ready to rock out, hopefully not with his cock out (no one wants to see that).  He tells us that he is best known for his raspy voice.  Uh, Mike?  No you’re not.

Reality check: Most of the world hates “When a Man Loves a Woman”

He’s partnered with the much maligned Chelsie Hightower.  I love Chelsie so much and think she is an awesome, drama-free, talented dancer and choreographer that, for whatever reason, keeps getting stuck with the crappiest partners.  Hopefully Ass Clown here is a bit better.

Well, after his atrocious showing in rehearsals, the performance was actually better than expected.  But that’s about all the praise I can give.  He has no posture, no flow, no rhythm.  Stick to suckish singing, ‘kay, Mike?

Carrie Ann reminds Ass Clown that ballroom dancing is about the man leading, and that he leaned on Chelsie and let her lead almost the whole time.  Len critiqued his posture, and Batshit talks about new things being painful.  Yes, I bet that’s what he tells all the 18 year old boys he lures to his dungeon. Score: 16

The Situation: Confession time, folks.  I haven’t seen one singular episode of Jersey Shore.  I know.  I figure I lost enough brain cells in college, I really don’t need to go around looking for ways to lose more.  But from what I know, via recaps here on the ‘Gasm and what makes its way into the press, is that The Predicament is actually kind of a cool dude.

Well, that persona is lost within a few minutes of meeting him via intro.  Wow, this guy thinks WAY too highly of himself.  He thinks he looks like Rambo with his shirt off, and his only dance experience is “way too many nights at the club dancing with your girlfriend”.

I smell a shitty Situation.

Initial rehearsals were three weeks long, but The Predicament shows up with only a week left due to finishing up filming on Jersey Shore.  He’s paired up with gold digger extraordinaire, Karina Smirnoff.  From what I can tell, this dude’s definitely in a predicament, and 100 Proof is going to have work some serious magic to make this turn out.

They dance a Cha Cha to “Break Your Heart” by Taio Cruz, and it was certainly as painful as a broken heart, that’s for sure.  Apparently The Predicament has confused Cha Cha with disco, because he keeps throwing up a finger reminiscent of The Hustle to the beat of the music.  I guess I should give him some credit for not fist pumping through the whole thing.

There isn’t enough spray tan in the world to cover up the pallor of suck.

What self-respecting grown male shaves stars into the side of their fade?

Len actually thinks The Predicament has potential, but that he was sorely under rehearsed.  He spat back some kind of retort, but no matter how many times I played it back, I couldn’t make out what he said.  Len must have taken his meds today, because he spat right back with a, “Well, I think you have the guns, but are lacking the ammunition.”  BURN.   In a shocking twist, Batshit is the voice of reason and tells The Predicament that he will make an ass out of himself if carries on like that, and agrees with the potential comment.  Carrie Ann agrees.  Score: 15

Jennifer Grey: What is this, like the 80th time tonight I’m going to admit fault?  I thought J.Grey was going to be my favorite and I would adore her for posterity’s sake.  And I did, to an extent, until the rehearsals intro.

Partnered with Ken Doll, she was assigned a Viennese Waltz.  Which was fine until she found out the song choice- “These Arms of Mine” by Otis Redding, from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.  Now one would think, holy crap, how unfair, she’s danced to this song famously before, she can turn it into a Dirty Dancing/Patrick Swayze memorial and kill it in the sentimentality votes.

Well, she decided to take it a different way and start hysterically crying about how listening to the song “took her right back to being with Patrick” and how she missed him and tragedy! and blah blah blah.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not heartless, I’m sure it was sad.  But I think she overplayed the drama BIG TIME for sympathy votes (she is an actress, after all), and that is just not cool.  It wasn’t very believable, and was kind of gross.

Don’t get any tears on Ken Doll!  He might short circuit!

Their performance was very good, but of course it was.  She’s done ballroom before, it is a GREAT song to waltz to, and she’s partnered with Derek Freaking Ballroom Robot Hough.  You kind of can’t lose with that combo.

Batshit announces that Baby is back and that someone in heaven is going to be very proud of her.  Puke.  Carrie Ann is crying and says that this is why she does what she does-to watch bad actresses put on overdramatic dance performances and cry on national TV.  Len is impressed too.  Score: 24.

David Hasselhoff: The final, and most glaring, instance of my suckage at predicting reality television.  I thought The Hoff had this shit in the bag.  I was SO wrong.  I had no idea what a hot mess he’s really turned into-apparently, being pickled drunk 24 hours a day is kind of rough on you, and he is certainly looking rough these days.

He’s been paired up with the most lovely Kym Johnson, and I pity the poor girl for having to smell that vodka breath every rehearsal.  The Hoff is just a very bad parody of himself, and while most people used to respect him because he was in on the joke and used it to his advantage, now it’s just kind of sad.

What?  All the cool guys refer to themselves in the third person and get ragingly drunk in front of their teenagers.

They will be doing the Cha Cha to “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones.  Again, this would be an opportunity to be laughed with instead of laughed at, but judging by how terrible and completely wasted he is in rehearsals, I think this is turning into slapstick comedy quickly.

The Hoff tried to use overacting and pyrotechnics to secure himself a good score, but it didn’t work very well.  He was stiff, he missed some steps, and there was no flow.

Carrie Ann calls him the offspring of Donny Osmond and Jerry Springer, and I couldn’t agree more.  Len tells him he needs to improve on his footwork and the overacting, and Batshit loves the Hoff.  Of course he does.  

Final Leaderboard:

Jennifer & Derek: 24

Brandy & Maks: 23

Kyle & Lacey: 23

Rick & Cheryl: 22

Audrina & Tony: 19

Kurt & Anna: 19

Bristol & Mark: 18

Florence & Corky: 18

Michael & Chelsie: 16

David & Kym: 15

Margaret & Louis: 15

The Situation & Karina: 15

Ok, My Gasmic Darlings, what say you?  Who do you think is going home tonight?  I hope it’s Michael Bolton, but I’m afraid it’s going to be Margaret Cho due to her low score and lack of mainstream popularity, and that makes me really sad.  I need another martini.

Loves and Bubbles, HappyHousewife!

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- HBO has renewed Boardwalk Empire for a second season ALREADY. After ONE episode. Minutes after the ratings came out. Looks like this Martin Scorsese character may have a good career ahead of him. (via Deadline)

- In your weekly Jersey Shore news: JWOWW is getting 400,000 to pose nude in Playboy and 200,000 if she just bares her boobs. 200,000 if she shows something that is FAKE.  Also, The Situation’s app is one of the TOP 10 grossing apps in the Itunes store. I do not understand anything in this world. At all. (via Radar Online & The Hollywood Reporter)

-Photoshop magic of our very own Nads as Oprah as a parrot. Enjoy. It has been a crazy Tuesday.

- Spike is known for celebrating women. Spike.com is no different. Check out their top 7 Cutest Feminists. Like I said, it has been a bizarre day for the Internets.

-This one is for the Gleeks:

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Welcome Gasmi!  Do you have a sweet tooth?  Do you know the difference between a pastry chef and a baker?  Do you often skip dinner and go straight to dessert?  If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, Top Chef: Just Desserts may be just the show for you!  If you didn’t answer yes I’ll just assume you’ve tuned in for one of three other reasons.  One, you want to see what hideous blouse Gail will wear each week.  Two, you love DJ YouBear (aka Hubert Keller).  Or, three…….

You’re wondering just how greasy Johnny’s hair can get.

Whatever your reason for tuning in, I’m glad to see you here.  Some of you may know me from the various dance shows I cover here at the ‘Gasm, but I am also a food lover/pretty decent home cook.  In fact, the first show I ever recapped for the site was Hell’s Kitchen.  I do love that profane Scotsman.

Anyway, before we get to the first show, I feel that I need to come clean about something.  While I happen to LOVE desserts, I absolutely hate chocolate.  Yes, yes, I am one of the few people in the entire world that don’t like chocolate, and no, there is nothing wrong with me.  (Well, not much anyway) Will this affect what I think of the dishes the contestants produce?  Probably.

On to the show!

Poor Gail, they’re already fucking with her!

Gail tells us the twelve of the most talented pastry chefs in America will be taking on the toughest culinary challenge of their lives.  We got some clips from the season including cheerleaders, sabotage, and general bitchiness.  Gail also tells us our judges for the season will be Johnny Iuzzini (Nogerelli), DJ YouBear aka Le Mullet aka everyone’s favorite Frenchie, and Dannielle Kyrillos who I have never heard of but am already over.

Need I explain further?

The prizes for the winner are a feature in Food & Wine magazine, a showcase at the annual Pebble Beach Food & Wine Festival, a Buick, and $100,000.  Ready to meet the chefs?  First up is Seth.  The first thing he tells us is that people think he looks like Marky Mark or Dexter.

Oh yeah, I totally see it.  You’ll be on a billboard in your underwear in no time.

He also tells us he was the original pastry chef at Harold Dieterle’s (aka first and best Top Chef) restaurant Perilla.  I absolutely adore Harold, but I am not feeling the love for Seth especially since he tells us he’s a prima donna.  He meets up with Tania who tells us she is a Jewish atheist who is all about rebellion.

She is also about some scary ass bangs.

Also joining them are Heather and Erika, after establishing that no one knows what to expect, a double decker pulls up and the chefs are forced to ride in the top deck.  Erika’s hair is getting mussed up from the wind, while Heather quotes from her resume for all of us.

They stop to pick up three more chefs, and we get our first introduction to Zac who in the promos from the show told us his food tastes like your mom made it and then someone slapped her.  Zac is super queeny and tells us he will cut us with his flavor.

I will cut YOU with my knife.

No word on who the other two chefs with Zac are but I’m sure we’ll hear about them later.  The next person we’re introduced to is Ted Tim Nugent who tells us he is referred to as the snow queen because his frozen desserts are so good.  And because he is also a total queen.

Everything turns to snow at my touch….I’m too much!

Another Heather joins the passengers, as well as Danielle….

And this cutie patootie.

Rounding out the twelve is Morgan who has a kid, a girlfriend and enjoys rock climbing.  He tells us it’s a miracle that he’s sane.  We’ll see if he stays that way.  He also tells us that he thinks pastry chefs get a bad rap and that he thinks they can do just as much as savory chefs.  I think this will become a running theme throughout the season.

After making sure the chefs get nice and toasted, Gail and Johnny finally hauls their asses onto the bus.  Seth tells us he has a crush on Gail and he’s trying to concentrate on what she’s saying but that damn boner keeps distracting him.  No one mentions a crush on Johnny.

Malika (who?) tells us she has eaten Johnny’s desserts many times and he is brilliant.

That’s more like it!

He tells the chefs that he can’t wait for them to show the world just how artistic and inventive desserts can really be.  Pep talk over, it’s time to get down to their first quickfire challenge: create a signature dessert.  As in it’s parent show, the winner here will receive immunity in the elimination round.

They’re given $50 and thirty minutes to shop.  Once back at the kitchen, they’ll have an hour and half to make their dessert.  Ready?  Go!

While the shopping is going on, we find out that cutie patootie’s name is Yigit and he’s originally from Turkey.  He also used to work for Daniel Boulud which is really impressive.  We also meet Eric who is a baker.  What’s the difference between a pastry chef and a baker?  Well, to hear Eric tell it, it’s pretty much froofy vs. non-froofy.

Erika tells us they aren’t allowed any recipes here, and that’s a concern since there really isn’t a large margin of error when it comes to pastry.  Malika is in the process of a divorce and she wants to win so that her three boys can see that she did something fantastic.

Other than kicking their dad to the curb.

They get to the JD kitchen, and they oooh and aaaahhh about all the great equipment that’s there.  We’ll see how long that lasts because I think you and I both know already that nothing ever work the way it’s supposed to in a Top Chef kitchen, right?  Seth in particular is really excited about the gadgets.

And I don’t think that boner’s gonna be bothering him anymore.  Well, for a little while at least.

Tania is making a chocolate cake that she calls her serious chocolate cake.  I wanna try her I’m just fucking around chocolate cake.  She’s nervous and tells us that she’s been trying to get pregnant for the last three years.  Maybe she should try getting rid of those bangs.  They’re probably scaring the sperm away, even from up there.

Someone turned Seth’s burner off (he probably forgot to turn it on), and Morgan swears it wasn’t him which makes me immediately think he did it.  I’m suspicious like that.  Anyway, Seth’s nervous cooking for Johnny because the last time he saw him he was doing a tasting out of Johnny’s kitchen at Jean-Georges and completely screwed the pooch.  Yeah, I’d also be nervous about seeing the man again if I had  fucked his dog.  Also? Ewwwwwww.

Fifteen minutes into their cooking time in stroll Gail and Johnny to add a twist.  They must transform their signature dish into a cupcake.  Lame!  I hate that.  Normally I’m all about screwing with the contestants, but screw with them equally.  This gives more of an advantage to those that were already making a cake, and really screws other people.  Pllllbbbt!

Gail, I will pop out your eyeballs and skull fuck you to death.

Yes, that face is the face of a totally sane man, isn’t it?  Morgan tells us everybody crapped their pants.  God, I hope not because that would make for one foul smelling kitchen!  Gail overcomes the stink of shit long enough to tell them they have an hour and fifteen minutes to cook and then she hightails it out of there, probably looking for some Vick’s vaporub to put under her nose.

Everyone is running around, trying to get their dishes done and we hear from the Snow Queen that turning his Semi Freddo into a cupcake is impossible, so he’s just gonna go ahead and make it, but shape it like a cupcake.  Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go over real well.

Let’s see what they all made!  Tania’s up first.

And it appears that her cupcake has left a little shit trail behind it.

Johnny confirms that the cupcake is filled with chicory mousse, and then he and Gail move on to Heather and her distracting forehead bandage.

Hon, the hair is not hiding it.

Anyway, she’s made a carrot cake.

Served with a garnish of Carrottop pubes.

Johnny likes the sourness of the creme fraiche.  I want to know how the hell you cut yourself on the forehead.  Next up is Zac who tells them his original dessert was to be lemon meringue “in a glass”.  Why the quotes?

It looks like a boob with the nipple burned off.

The marshmallow topping seems to have some Elmer’s glue mixed in because Johnny’s having a hard time prying his mouth open after eating it.

Does that mean a blow job is out of the question?

He’d have to be able to pry his mouth open first ya dummy!  Danielle is next, and I think her cupcake may be the smelly kid in class.

Because nothing wants to stand near it.

Time for Eric who tells them that his original dish was a whoopie pie, but he scrapped that and made a devil’s food cupcake.

Topped by a poo rose.

I mean, I’ve heard of people thinking their shit smells like roses, but isn’t making it look like one taking it a little too far?  Rather than make a cupcake, Tim (aka the Snow Queen) has decide to throw caution to the wind.

With his ode to The Exorcist

Johnny wonders if there’s any cake in there, and Tim assures them that he did in fact ignore the challenge twist.  Yep, he’s sure to win this one, doncha think?

Seth is up next

With Shrek’s birthday cupcake.

Followed by Crazy Morgan

Whose cupcake is trying to stab itself to death.

Probably trying to get away from his crazy ass.  And finally we have Malika who didn’t finish in time.

Wauh wauh wauh.

Gail tells her the trickiest thing on this show is going to be timing.  Thanks for that Gail!  Now shut it.

Obviously Malika is in the bottom three since she didn’t actually have anything for them to eat.  Joining her is the Snow Queen (shocker) and Zac and his marshmallow glue.  Zac looks at the other two in the bottom three and realizes that they didn’t actually make cupcakes which means his was the worst cupcake of all.  True that!

Favorites of this round are Seth’s herbacious cupcake (mmm…..weedcake), Tania’s moist (and runny) chicory cupcake, and Heather C’s fried Carrot pubecake.  And the winner is……

Yes, Marky Mark.  I totally see it now.

Seth reminds us that Harold won the first challenge of his season and then went on to win the whole shebang.  He thinks the natural progression of things will be him winning the title.  Don’t get ahead of yourself there, underwear notdel.

Time for the elimination challenge.  Gail tells them they’ll be working with everyone’s favorite ingredient.  Oh blech, it’s not….is it?

YUCK

Yigit tells us how temperamental chocolate is to work with , but Johnny loves working with it because it’s so rich and decadent.  He says it’s what people expect when they think of great dessert.  We’ve already covered how I feel about this particular ingredient, so I assume you all know that I completely disagree with him.

Gail tells them they have to create the most luxurious chocolate dessert imaginable because they have to impress Mr. Chocolate himself, Jacques Torres.  Granted, I may not like chocolate, but I’ve seen what this man can do with the ingredient.  He is a chocolate genius.  Zac says if you took a bit of Jacques, he would ooze ganache.  Hate.  Him.

They’ll have four hours to cook in the Top Chef kitchen, and then one hour to plate and serve in the dining room.  With that, she sends them off to their loft for a good night’s rest before the chocolate war is to begin.

The loft is pretty cool, with some fun dessert paintings decorating various rooms.  Morgan says that since there’s six boys and six girls, all the girls can be together.  Seth agrees that’s a good way to start since beds are going to be opening up every day anyway.  He also takes this opportunity to tell the others that he’s an insomniac, not that that means he should get a special bed or anything.

Well, if you’re an insomniac why do you need a bed at all?  It’s not like you’ll be SLEEPING in it!

What a jackass.  Crazy Morgan joins in saying he needs the thermostat turned down real low because if it’s not freezing he won’t sleep.  And then he’ll make sure none of them sleep.

Psycho!

Great, now everyone’s gonna get insomnia!  Seth tells the group that was his one bitch card and he won’t be doing that again.  Yeah, I totally believe him.  Oh lord!  Now Zac is piping up saying he needs his own bathroom because he has bathroom issues.  Get over it, Zac; you’re gonna have to go poopy in the same bathroom as everyone else.

The next day they all get down to creating their decadent, luxurious chocolate dishes.  Danielle tells us she’s marking her territory like a cat, and I hope to god no one slips and falls into her pee.  Morgan is feeling confident because the only ingredient he uses more than chocolate is sugar.  He’s also got a bottle of Maker’s Mark on his counter, which may be the more likely source of his confidence.

He’s put the whiskey in his pie dough which sounds really gross to me, but then again, I’m more of a scotch girl myself.  Heather H (AsianHeather) tells us that being a great pastry chef is about being well rounded; if you have the technical skills, you can do anything.

Yes, very impressive AsianHeather!

Yigit is working next to her and says they have very similar techniques to him which is scary because that makes her such a strong competitor.  Poor Yigit might have egg boob envy.

A stream of obscenities brings us back to Crazy Morgan.  Someone turned his oven on convection which has caused one tray of his milk chocolate flan to burn, leaving him with only one tray.  Zac wants to prove himself in a major way after his awful first challenge showing.  He tells us he doesn’t like being on the bottom.

Liar!

In comes Nagerelli for a walk through the kitchen.  I’m betting he won’t be as good as Daddy Tom is at this.  He stops at Seth’s station first and determines he’s excited to try what he’s making.  He also seems to be impressed that Seth is not just resting on his immunity.  Next he stops and talks to Tania

And offers to give her some hair advice.

She’s not all about the goopy gel though, so he moves on to Danielle who looks like she may be taking some nips of that Maker’s Mark as she tells Nagerelli that she’s going to be making a free form tart.  Translation:  pile a bunch of crap on the plate with some pastry dough and called it a free form tart.

After Johnny leaves Tania has a moment of panic as she realizes her white chocolate mousse looks more like hummus.  You’d think this would mean that she’d throw it out and start over, but she doesn’t, hoping the flavors will save her. With that, we’re ready to serve.

Morgan’s up first and I think his pie looks more like a fried chocolate wonton.

Boor-ring

From Crazy Morgan, they move on to Bandaid Heather

And her ode to poo with log, nugget and smear all represented.

The judges sit down to try the two dishes, and Johnny says that he’s always nervous about fried chocolate things because they tend to get really greasy and his afraid his mouth might get burned by the molten chocolava inside.  He also doesn’t know if the flan separated, but his has two layers.  They move on the Bandaid Heather’s dish and Jacques tells them he has never had a whoopie pie before.

Waz iz zee whoopie?  We make it, no?

I think Mr Chocolate may have been watching too many Newlywed Show reruns.  He would prefer sumsing more ceetrussee inside.

They move on, heading over to Eric’s table

Where he has prepared a brownie.  Are brownies luxurious?

AsianHeather’s table is next and she’s got some sort of chocolate mousse torte thingy

Served with a drizzle of liquid poo.  Yum.

Zac’s table is next, and he’s busy breaking out the disco dust aka edible glitter.  Why am I not surprised that this particular queen likes his desserts to sparkle?

It still looks like poo to me

Am I the only one grossed out by this much chocolate in one show?  Anyone else?  Anyone?  Dannielle thinks you can taste the disco, but Jacques is totally grossed out by the thought of someone blowing on his food.  Me too, Jacques!  They like Eric’s brownie, but Jacques doesn’t sink zat eet eez zee most daycadent desserts e can do.  They all seem to be impressed with AsianHeather’s torte.

Moving on, the chefs visit Tania’s table where she is serving tear drop shaped chocohummus

With some of Bandaid Heather’s leftover Carrotpubes.

She tells them right off that the texture of the mousse is not where she wants it to be  but that she’s hoping they’ll really enjoy the flavors.  Danielle is next

With more of the same pooey looking stuff

They’re not impressed with Danielle’s tart, saying you have to work to get the right bite.  Judge Dannielle says Tania was right about the texture of her dessert, but she loves that it’s in the shape of a teardrop.  What?  Why is this woman a judge?  Stupid.

Seth’s dessert looks like it’s on the rag

While Yigit’s dessert answers a question I have also wondered about

What color is an albino’s shit?

Yigit’s ice cream is deemed rubbery by the judges, and I was worried for a minute there that Gail might feel the same way about rubbery ice cream that she does about rubbery eggs.  That doesn’t appear to be the case as we move on quickly to Seth’s dessert which Dannielle compares to a pug: tiny little body, but powerful.  I am having a powerful urge to snap her neck.  Johnny likes the intensity of the curry and thinks it melds well with the chocolate.

The Snow Queen did not make something frozen this time around

But his cake is bleeding.

No need to get so stabby with your cake, Queenie!  Oh, maybe it was just cycling with Seth’s dessert.  Johnny tells Malika he’s happy to see she finished this time

But her poor cake seems to be oozing pus AND poo.

It’s like plague cake or something.  Erika’s got the classic poo smear on her plate

Along with some baby poo droppings.  You know, in case you lose your way.

She tells the judges she has every chocolate you can think of in her dish, and Johnny calls her a chocolate ninja.

They love the crunch on the bottom of Erika’s dish, Jacques thinks Tim’s cake eez a leetle beet dens, but ze flavur eez really gud, and Johnny is hearing things because he thinks Malika’s screams chocolate.  In the end, they think some people really delivered on the challenge of chocolate decadence and some people didn’t. It’s funny how that happens, isn’t it?

Time for judges’ table!  They want to see Seth, AsianHeather, and Zac.  The other contestants try to pretend that they don’t know what this means, but if they’ve watched Top Chef before they should know that this is the top group.  Crazy Morgan is sure they aren’t in the top because he tried their dishes and he knows for a fact that his dish was much better.

The voices in my head say so.

Unsurprisingly, they are indeed the top three.  Zac immediately starts crying.  He says that making dessert is kind of like giving birth to a baby.  I think all the viewers that have actually given birth would disagree.  He goes on saying how you think you’re baby is beautiful but you don’t know how it will be perceived or who it’s gonna hang out with.  Uh, a baby hangs out with whoever or whatever you put it next to dipshit.

Nagerelli tells him he thinks he made a really well conceived (get it, conceived?) dish, while Dannielle says it was like a party in her mouth.  Gross.  Jacques tells him ezz a big nono to blow ze dust eento zee desserts.

What can I say?  I just love to blow.

Johnny tells AsianHeather he thinks her dessert was really well balanced, and Jacques liked the surprise crunch hidden inside.  They compliment Seth on having immunity yet still making a really cutting edge dessert.  Dummy Dannielle has never heard of curry in dessert before.  I repeat, how is this woman a judge for this show?  He says he seasons really aggressively and he’s shocked that they all liked it.  Yeah, I believe him, don’t you?

As the guest judge Mr. Chocolate gets to name the winner and that is………

AsianHeather!

Damn Asians.  Always ruining the curve.

Wow, Seth can’t even manage to fake clap for her.  What a poor sport.  Back in the stew room, Seth tells them the judges want to see Danielle, Tania and Crazy Morgan.  Have fun out there, looozahs!

Once they’re out with the judges, Gail asks Danielle why she thinks she’s there.

Because you have a hatred of funky bangs?

She has no idea why she’s there.  Johnny says his first issue with her dessert was how difficult it was to eat. She thought it might move around but really liked the idea of a free form tart, so nanny nanny boo boo.  Jacques tells her her desserts was not popping when eaten layer by layer.

Tania says she knows the texture of her mouse was really off.

You ain’t kidding honey!

I think Johnny looks like the hummousse may have traumatized him.  He says when he walked through she seemed to be okay, and she says her timing was just really off.  Gail liked the chocolate layer under the hummus mousse but there wasn’t enough of it to drown out the awfulness of said hummousse.

Crazy Morgan tells them he thinks he gave them a nice array of temperatures and textures, and he thought all of the components were delicious.  Johnny says he couldn’t tell what that cube of gelee was and he also couldn’t tell if it had separated or was two different flavors stacked.  Crazy Morgan says it was a milk chocolate flan that separated but he was hoping they would notice.

Dannielle thinks the flan was a jarring contrast and it was like something didn’t belong on that plate.  He counters that he was afraid of being told he didn’t do enough.  They’re sent back to the stew room while the judges deliberate, and when Seth asks what the judges said, Crazy Morgan says he has nothing to say.

Johnny thinks Morgan’s biggest problem was himself; he tried to do too much.  They have a real problem with the fact that Tania didn’t correct her mousse, saying she had plenty of time to do that.  They also think her flavors were really timid.  Nagerelli feels like Danielle was a little defensive about her dessert and says she was in the bottom three for a reason.  They also talk more about how difficult it was to eat the dessert the way it was supposed to be eaten.

After a brief break, it’s time to find out who will be the first pastry chef to get cut.  But first their Johnny blurbs:  Morgan has technique, but spread himself too thin.  If Danielle had taken the time to think about her dessert construction she would have done it differently.  Guaranteed.  Tania didn’t correct her mousse.  And the pastry chef going home tonight is……

I think it’s really because of those scary ass bangs.

Oh, and the tag for the cutting on this show is….”Tania, you’re dessert just didn’t measure up.  Please pack your tools and go.”  Dumb.

Of course she’s upset to be the first one to go home, and it is a shame because she looked like she could make some decent desserts and had some good ideas.  I’d rather have seen Crazy Morgan ass get booted.

And that, Gasmi, is the end of the first episode.  What did you think?  Are you happy AsianHeather won?  Did you think Seth was a giant douche for not even congratulating her?  Do you think Morgan is funny crazy or scary crazy?  And was anyone else grossed out by all that chocolate?

We’re shown clips from the upcoming season, and it looks like Morgan keeps on riding the crazy train.  Also, cheerleaders, fire eaters, and chocolate masks.  Hope you’ll join me!

SWAK, PottyMouth

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Apparently Randy Jackson JUST signed a multi-year deal with American Idol. So, this won’t be the dogg’s last year on the show. I know you may disagree with me on this one, but I’m actually excited he’s staying on the show. True, he doesn’t really add much, accept for being agreeable all the time, but it’s nice to have someone on the show from the original judges panel. I’m so curious to hear the official announcement tomorrow. I wonder if they’ll throw us any curve balls? Prolly not. But, at least we know the dogg, and his fancy cardigans are on board.

I guess all of my questions will be answered tomorrow at noon.

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Yes Gleeks… it’s the 2nd season of Glee (FOX). I’m sure it will be the night’s biggest winner…. even though it’s up against The Biggest Loser which is NBC’s best ratings grabber. It will be interesting to see who comes out on top. Let’s check out tonight’s fare. There are two new sitcoms & one new drama. Four returning shows also premiere tonight…. not quite as big of a night as Monday, but greatly anticipated just the same.

8pm:

The Biggest Loser (NBC) begins it’s 10th season. Bob & Jillian visit 7 cities & choose 3 “losers” from each one. The theme this year is “Pay it Forward!” I still find this series to be a form of cruelty to fat people & should be outlawed.

Glee (FOX) This new season brings us back from Regionals as losers, but worse than that is the budget cuts that threaten to eliminate the Glee Club from the school curriculum entirely. OMG…Noooooo!

NCIS (CBS) In it’s season 8 opener, the cliffhanger from last year is resolved & we find out if Gibbs’ dad (Ralph Waite) is dead. The Reynosa cartel is still targeting his family & those closest to him so Gibbs needs to step it up to protect them all. I’ve never seen this show, so I don’t have a clue….

Dancing With the Stars (ABC) It’s the first “Results” show of the season. Why it’s in two parts is beyond me. The second half plays out at 9pm. I didn’t know it took so long to eliminate one person… I predict David Hasselhoff.

9pm:

Raising Hope (FOX) This new sitcom is all about dysfunctional families…. one in particular. Written by Greg Garcia from “My Name is Earl”, it has alot of that shows humor. Jimmy, a 23 yr. old… is a going nowhere loser, who still lives with mom & dad. He finds out he’s a daddy & is in charge of raising Hope, his new little daughter. Cloris Leachman guest stars as Maw Maw, the matronly granny in this 1st episode.

NCIS: LA (CBS) The second season starts out with an agent vanishing while on an assignment. Eric Christian Olsen gets a full-time job joining the cast this year. CBS will air another new episode at 10pm, so you will get a full 3-hours of NCIS.

9:30pm:

Running Wild (FOX) Another new sitcom premieres & this one has a familiar face. Will Arnett from “Arrested Development” not only stars but is also the executive producer of this “romantic” comedy. He’s a rich playboy & his eyes are on his childhood sweetheart, played by Keri Russell. She’s a humanitarian  who’s fighting the very oil company that makes him so rich. See the hilarity?

10pm:

Detroit 187 (NBC) A new drama/cop show, the Detroit homicide department has their own “inner demons” or so the descriptions say. Filmed in the city itself is a plus & it promises to have lots of murders to investigate. I will DVR it for a late night viewing. The show will be followed by Parenthood at 10pm.

That’s it for tonight kids. I’m watching Glee & checking out FOX’s two new sitcoms. I will record DWTS so I can FF to thru it & see who gets the boot. Tomorrow is the return of ABC’s sitcom hits… The Middle, Modern Family & Cougar Town with a new one thrown in. Better With You will have it’s debut. More on them tomorrow.

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