Best Television Shows

Archive for the ‘TVgasm’ Category

Pauly D is rumored to be the first from the Jersey Shore cast to land a spin-off on MTV. He’s allegedly going to be touring the country, DJing, and being his usual self. Honestly, I LOVE Pauly, but I would have NEVER thought he’d be the first to get a spin-off out of the crew. I would have pegged The Situation to get his own show, or a JWoww/Snooki show before anything. Maybe this is MTV‘s way of trying to stick to its music roots, who knows?And, at this point we have no real idea if Ronnie, and Sammi are still together–because if they are, I wouldn’t be shocked if MTV tried to give them a show a la Newlyweds.

In my opinion, Snooki, and JWoww would make an awesome show! They would be like the new reality Ab Fab. Come on, MTV! Do it!!!

>
Go to Source

Previously, Jackie O’s memory was lobotomized and Michaelths was sent away to one of those Church camps that erase lithpsth.

We open tonight with April and Wretchen waking up. Wretchen sleeps with a roll of toilet paper and bottle of lotion on her nightstand. Must be really fun for April to try and get some zzzs while Wretch does dirty things in the dark to thoughts of sustainable whaling or what have you. Sorry to be gross, but Wretchen started it.

Keep it in your pants, Wretch. You’re on TV.

 

Wretch tells us that Michaelths was a “very light presence”. That’s one way to put it. Nicest gay slur I’ve ever heard.

Hippie Dongstocking

She says with Michaelths gone, the show is now a competition. Wretch is trying to say something nice, but of course she just intimated that now that the hack’s cut it doesn’t feel like playtime any more and it’s become a real race. I think I would like Wretch if she dropped the trying to be nice act and went straight for in your face bitch. It would be more fun. I miss Kenley Penley and her fifties bangs.

Petty Page

 

Because another boy was sent home, Mondo and Christopher have to move in with Trandy and Chunky Mike. They’re not happy, and I don’t blame them. You know it smells like stale ass and old cheese in that apartment.

Stale ass and old cheese.

Just stale ass. And Aqua Net.

When Mondo’s talking about you in the gayfessional like you’re the weird one, it’s time to check yourself.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you over the Hello Kitty vibe you’re giving off.

Trandy is glad for the company, especially if one of them brings a Glade Plugin with them. Valerie talks to Zombie Hivy about learning not to listen to the judges and go with her heart. You did go with your heart. And then the judges told you your heart was tacky. Hivy’s like “aw sugar no you’re totally great!” but inside you know she’s like “um I’ve been on the bottom 46 times and it’s only week 9. Cry me a river, human. Mmmm….human.”

Breakfast time! Get up and RUN!

Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie loves Hivy. Yes, she’s a zombie that eats human flesh. Yes, she’s kind of a bitch. Yes, her breath smells like dead toddlers stewing on a stove. But she’s super passionate and moderately talented and hasn’t eaten Valerie yet, so she’s got Val’s vote.

Hey we’ve all got issues.

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway wearing a fancy superhero costume with a flat abs panel on the front like we’re in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater.

I veel safe da vorld. From carbps.

 

Her “clue” is whoever wins will be taking home a chunk of change. Woohee girl that was a hard day’s work. Go take a load off. Tim waits for the designers in the workroom with Collier Strong and a pile of makeup.

Gay Liotta

The challenge is a high fashion look for a l’oreal ad. I can’t wait to see the fancy drawsting cargos Hivy and Wretchen come up with for this one. Couture! Wow moment! Chunk leans his chunkhawk back and prays to his little angel, Fat Bitch Heidi.

Everyone is still mean to me, Saint Fat Bitch! Please hand me another win!

Chunk is wearing some kind of ripped up t-shirt. I don’t know why. I think he should be eliminated for the fauxhawk alone.

Stop walking near Hivy.

Chunk is super excited about this challenge and asks “Millions and millions of women are gonna see my add?” A: NO. But your delusional positive attitude is adorable. From a distance and holding a FF button. Mondo is excited to do something over the top cuz “that’s who I am”. He says this in his Bratz costume, in case we don’t believe him. He looks like a little girl starting to grow a mustache because of all the hormones in milk.

The dog tags are what really makes this ensemble butch enough to work.

The winner of this challenge will win twenty grand!! Mondo hasn’t made over 12,000 dollars a year ever, which is disturbing. I wish I had his number. I could help him get a job at the restaurant I work at. He’d make the cutest little bus girlboy circus midget ever. Come on, Mondo, make an effort. The guys who stand outside the Homo Depot make more money than that. Hivy says she is broke too and can’t wait to win this challenge. Girl, you’ll have to eat those judges first and I have a feeling Nina is more lethal than your newly dead ass. That bitch has had practice.

This ad will feature the winning design alongside some l’oreal eyeshadow combinations and some tupperware products off the GLAD accessories wall. If you can match a skinny bitch’s eyes to the blue lid on the little round container that keeps tuna salad fresh you’ll be RICH! Tim warns them against using velvet, and everyone picks an inspiration out of the bag. Bright, metallic, etc. Wretch is gonna do velvet cuz it’s a HUUUUGE risk and Tim said not to and she’s Hippie Dongstocking today so she’s ignoring every adult on the planet.

Unless a dolphin died in the making of your sustainable hippie couture, I want no part of it Wretch!

 

As she announces her velvet choice, she pauses for someone to pat her on the back and call her a brilliant rebel, but no one does. Hivy doesn’t want the judges to think she’s only capable of using muted colors. I don’t think the judges would call you capable, so do what you want! Couture cargo pants aren’t the worst idea in the world. How bout making a couture bib so you don’t gross us out every time you do a gayfessional after snacking on a PA?

They get three hundred dollars to do this. I can’t believe Mondo doesn’t just grab that cash and run. That’s more than he’s made in an entire week, like ever. Wretch says that now they have to be true designers. I don’t know why the camera guy even presses the record button when she’s around. She’s so obnoxious. Mood has a new dog, and when Tim says go, Hivy starts chasing it all over the room. Poor little Swatch 2.

I’m trying to save you, you insurrectionary canis lupus familiaris!

 

I can’t stop staring at Mondo. Today he’s in short shorts, rain boots and knee socks pulled up past his calves. He’s like a really deep gash that turns more and more infected and hideous the more air time it gets.

Hivy is the only one literally using the lid color off the GLAD tupperware products.

Maybe you should just go back to beige.

It’s time to go back to the workroom, so Hivy has to put down the dog. Luckily, it’s only lost one of its back paws.

Poor baby. Sue!

Since anyone with an actual personality has been kicked off by now and this is a two day challenge, we are treated to a two minute montage of the designers standing around staring at their dress forms while bored whistle-y jazz music plays. April is the only one to add a sense of urgency to her process because she knows Tim’s gonna come in and fuck them with some kind of surprise later. Other Asian Valerie chose silk so that she has something to complain about the next hour and a half. They said to do something shocking so you chose black? Make. An. EFFORT. Are you guys wondering if Hivy thinks she’s a good designer? Me too! Let’s ask her! Hivy thinks she’s a really good designer! Moving on.

Chunk is using the same color as Wretchen, and we don’t see in the editing who chose it first. Chunk calls it “bordeaux or something” though, so probably not him. Wretch is offended that Chunk is stealing from her but also mildly flattered. “I’ve created a monster!” No, you’ve created a lot of hippie clothes the color of scabs. Your mother on the other hand? Has some splainin to do. Chunk says that he’s guilty…of loving the color he can’t name and he’s excited to do something better than whatever Wretch comes up with.

Spoiler alert: Chunk also stole the pea puree.

Wretch says the hardest part of this challenge is out-complexing her complex complexity. Time to for Gay Liotta makeup consultations! Trandy wants his model to look part cat part woman part man part walrus. Whatever you can do that’s confusing, Liotta, do it! As long as no one can tell what she is his personality will shine through. Liotta says that he can make the girl anything but fat cuz he could get fired for that. Look at the out of the box brilliance Wretch came up with!

I want her to look like a bored white girl. Go!

 

Hivy wants to make sure her look tells a story. A story about little tiny blue people that live on a mushroom and are terrorized by an ugly guy named Gargamel.

La la la la la la, la la la la laaaa!

Mondo just wants to make a dress that bugs can’t get through on a hot summer night.

Tim comes in to check on progress. Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie’s sketch is real perty, but the reality is a tp’ed dress form.

Dream

Reality.

Tim doesn’t have anything rude to say to her, but his hands sure as shit do.

Oh hayell no.

Mondo’s work looks like Mondo’s work. Slutty kindergartener with a hairy chest.

Trandy says his biggest competition is Wretch and Mondo. And authentic vaginas in general, of course. And April. He says he’s sick of always being on the bottom. Well then you’re gonna have to try to get your penis back from the doctor. You kept your receipt right? Tim isn’t giving much advice today. Or they’re cutting it out because he’s been slinging insubordination all over the internets these days. He probably spent the whole time walking around muttering “fuck all y’all”. I think this is the season we might finally get a “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it any more!” speech from Gunn.

Wretchen says she’s going for something kimono-y or caftan-y. LOL. Clown/Tim walking on eggshells hybrid music starts to play as Tim gives her his “I want to warn you that this is Mrs. Roeper terrible but A. I don’t want my balls kicked and B. I kinda want your bony hippie ass sent back to the adopt a puppy box you were taken out of” face. Finally, he says it looks like a robe. Wretch acts like she’s shocked, as if caftans and kimonos aren’t robe-like at all. Chunk says that Wretch’s work is terrible. He’s getting to talk a lot today. I hope that doesn’t mean he’s out because he’s the last fat person standing and we need a win this year.

Hivy pitches her “waves crashing” pitch and Tim gives her his “you’re a hack but I won’t say that or you’ll eat off my arm” face.

Tim’s “you’re a hack but I won’t say that or you’ll eat off my arm” face.

He warns her that it could become a pageant gown super easily. When he leaves, Wretch tells Mondo that Tim said this challenge is gonna solidify everyone’s future. She believes in her heart that she and Mondo belong in the finals. Mondo falls for it, which makes me wish she had said “I believe in my heart that men shouldn’t wear short shorts and rain boots.”

Model fittings! Chunk is making an Oscar gown from the early 2000′s while Trandy gets his model ready to ship back to the factory.

I like when people treat models like property. Don’t choke on the packing peanuts, skank!

Mondo says his model is too skinny but he keeps her out of loyalty. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone call a model too skinny on this show. It’s disturbing. If you haven’t lost some hair and teeth from starving yourself you have no right to be here. Don’t start putting caloric ideas into your popsicle stick’s head, Mondo! He tries to fix it but ruins it and has to start over. Why is his dress form a size six anyway? This isn’t a fat girl challenge!

The girls wake up the next morning and whine about how tired they are. Wretch is in the same color as the bedding. If ever there was a time for a Burning Bed remake, it’s now.

Mondo might be firing his model after tonight. He doesn’t say it with words; his model angel shirt speaks for him.

LOL

Second day and we’re only 18 min in, which means Tim is about to come in and screw them over. Sure enough, he comes in and apologizes before announcing that they will have to create a second look as a ready to wear companion for the runway look. Everyone’s shocked. Shocked I tell you! Wretch gives the other designers the perfect opportunity to shove a grapefruit in her mouth and cover it with tape, but no one takes it.

They have to have it done by morning and only get a hundred bucks to do it. April was prepared for this so she’s feeling ok. Let’s go back to Mood! Poor Swatch 2 is limping around, and Hivy has him down her throat in less than a minute. Back at the workroom, Chunk tells us how worried he isn’t while the other designers dream about what they’ll spend the money on if they win. April will buy a miniature pony, Trandy will get a vagina that doesn’t feel like a cold inside out ziplock shoved into his crotch, and Wretchen will buy a real sized pony so she can lecture April about how tiny ponies are gay and she’s only saying this cuz she’s trying to help.

Wretch says all she wants is for credit card companies to stop calling her. Girl, at least you know what it’s like to hear the phone ring. Without them you’d just have an electronic brick with a Scrabble app on it. Mondo says he will drink the money away and maybe invest in a Jack and Jane so he can get discounts on toddler clothes. Dramatic guitar music plays as Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie tells Tim that she’s sucking and scared and she’ll quit if she doesn’t come up with something decent. Tim tells her to grow a pair and gives her his “don’t disappoint Asia and Guatemala” face.

Tim’s “don’t disappoint Asia and Guatemala” face.

She runs to the bathroom and cries her face off. Hivy follows her in there with a bottle of ketchup but unfortunately for her, Val has locked herself in a stall to wah about how much time she’s wasted on prepping material she can’t use now. I hate when girls cry. It makes me feel bad for them. Only boys should cry on this show, cuz I can laugh at them.

LOL

Oh please. You made that “real” woman wear pac man boobs in the fat girl challenge and you’re still here.

Hivy tries to cheer her up with “sucky fucky five dolla me love you long time” jokes, but it doesn’t work.

Sucky fucky five dolla BRAAAAAINS

Wretch comes in too, and the girls support her. She’s touched that her girls came to her aid, but Hivy tells us in the gayfessional that Valerie’s a whiner. Wretch just stays quiet, which is like the best thing she’s done on this show.

The next morning, Hivy is wearing the maid’s head that she scalped at Parsons last night around her neck.

Valerie doesn’t know how she’s gonna come up with time to hot glue gun crap all over it. The boys talk about how suck ass Valerie is. Back at the workroom, Wretch says that she’s nervous that her caftan might not work, but Chunk’s work is stiff and gross so she figures she’ll be fine. I don’t know. Her look is so fug that I’m saving it for the runway. Hair and makeup. YAY! BREAK TIME! Since I know there’s a straight guy who reads these recaps, here’s a little bony gift for you.

You’re welcome, itchy.

Some of this work looks insane. This should be a good runway. Let’s do this! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out wearing chunks of change, to call back to her little clue earlier in the show. If I were there I’d ask her to get me a Diet Coke out of the machine.

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi Nearsighted Squiggy!

April’s model is wearing Mondo’s short shorts. I think that’s cheating.

This just doesn’t work without the yellow rain boots.

 

Her ready to wear is perfect for a dead bird funeral cocktail party, though, so yay.

Mondo did an Alice in Wonderland with nasty ass split end rat’s nest look. I don’t get it, so it will probably win.

I guess people missing one eyes have to get out of the house sometimes too.

Love his ready to wear. His model looks like a gas pedal.

Hivy’s dress is hideous. It looks like a Smurf in a microwave. And no drawstring pants? WTF??!

Her ready to wear is more of that blue tightly wrapped around the model. Totally vanilla hack, but it doesn’t look as hideous as the first. On closer inspection, I take that back. What is going on with the boobs? That model needs a mammogram stat.

When the side of your boob is as big as a head, it’s time to call a doctor.

Chunk’s work is pretty textbook awards show fare. Not what the stars wear, but the Access Hollywood correspondents would love this.

And the winner iszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

He notices that Nina has seen that his train looks like it got caught in a meat grinder, which scares him.

She’s hiding her face, which means he’s probably right.

The other designers ooh and ahhh as his ready to wear walks, but all I can see is womb. That thing’s fug and makes the model look like she needs stomach skin tightening surgery.

Christopher’s looks like a Dancing with the Stars pro coming out of a cocoon.

Soon you’ll be able to fully embrace your tackiness. For now though, rest. Shhhhhh.

Christopher is usually mediocre, but that’s just bad. His ready to wear is simple and pretty. The neck is a little bizarre, but I guess he had to make some kind of effort to be unique with that one. I’m glad to see a knock kneed model getting some work though.

Wretch is next and WOW. What a piece of shit. She’s stuck with her usual maroon and creme colored gash on the leg coloring. This model looks like a young Mrs. Roeper brought back to life as a bird just to get caught up in the middle of a gang war and left bleeding all over the street. Violent, horrible, and disrespectful to Three’s Company. And birds. And reincarnation. Down with Wretchen!

She thinks her styling is off but otherwise it’s the best work she’s ever done. YIKES. She’s gone with nurse scrubs grey for her next dress and makes her model look like a football player. Man, remember when we thought Wretch would win this thing? She still thinks that. She compliments her work as it walks and oohs and ahhs at herself. No one joins in. UGH.

A nurse takes a lunch break in 1982

Other Asian Guatemalan has just made a poor hunchback wedding dress. What the hell was she sniveling about? This thing looks like it took twenty minutes.

Her ready to wear is full on biker ho.

She talks about how she’s human and she hopes the judges will appreciate that she tried real hard. I don’t think so sugar. Nina looks like she just found a fingernail in her newborn baby shake.

Trandy’s is next. It looks like a drag queen wearing the inside of a shady dark Chinese restaurant, but at least it’s interesting.

His ready to wear is pleathery and tight, and it looks great on the model. He’s really learned to work tranny tacky fabulous into everything he does. Well done, I think?

I guess I didn’t know this when there were actual personalities to enjoy on the show, but these guys are kinda terrible, right? Christopher and April win mediocre stars and are safe. Christopher not being in the bottom three says a lot about how crappy today’s runway show was. Wretch is smiling, obviously thinking she’s gonna win this. No way. This might just be her swan ugly duckling song. Wait! She could be RIGHT! Chunk, Hivy, and Other Asian are in the bottom and told to go wait in the holding tank. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? HOOOOOOOOWWWWWW?
Wretch yammers about making fancy hippie clothes and Kors says that her high fashion look is too wearable but loves the feathers. Heidi thinks it would be better worn backwards, and Nearsighted Squiggy says that he wants more detailing on the front but likes it overall. The judges are all impressed with how butch Trandy is making Michael Jackson look tonight.

Nearsighted Squiggy loves all of it and Kors’ favorite part is the boot pants, which look like a costume from Starlight Express where people played trains on roller skates. Nina likes the cat makeup, and Heidi likes the ready to wear but not the high fashion. Mondo says he was going for a kaleidoscope look. Heidi loves the hat he made. It looks like a phone cord, but I like phones so I guess yay?

Conditioner’s calling. Pick up!

Nearsighted Squiggy loves the rat nest hair. LOL. Nina thinks the fabric looks a little cheap, but Kors loves the back and compliments it by calling it a Kentucky Derby explosion. Um thanks? They are sent to the back and the loozas are brought out. Wretch Cunnt spouts off her opinion, that the bottom three all deserve to be there. SHUT UP. Hivy is first on the grill. She’s so out. Kors calls her work Bridesmaids of the Sea. HAHAH. He calls out the “nurse-y” boobs and says all of the bottoms are bridesmaids. Nina says Hivy made her model look like a crotchety old maid. Squiggy says “not a good dress.” Heidi likes the back of the formal and overall she didn’t hate it as much as everyone else. HA.

Valerie chatters super fast. When she’s done, Squiggy tells her she wasn’t imaginative enough. Kors says it’s like trying to make a winter coat out of toilet paper. Nina “ugh”s and says the model looks like Miss Guatemala. Other Asian Guatemalan points out that Guatemalan is part of her name and Nina laughs and says “no offense!” LOL. Nina makes racism so fun. Kors hates the hunchback hoop and says that the model needs a wand. The judges all laugh. Valerie, to her credit, doesn’t start sobbing. Kors says that just because she sewed three crystals onto the ready to wear doesn’t make it work on a crystal challenge. The judges all openly laugh at Valerie for awhile while she agrees that she’s terrible.

Chunky Mike tries to work his charm and says he’s never been on the bottom. Nina doesn’t look like she’s buying his cutesy act. You can tell cuz she’s got that inflated wattle thing going like she’s morphing into a poisonous frog.

Hivy rolls her eyes at him. HA. Squiggy likes the fabric, but his proportions and color are off. Heidi says he can’t accentuate amazing legs and boobs at the same time. I’ve never heard that rule. Kors says that he’s the only looza who has decently tailored clothes. So his ass is safe. He hates the ridiculous train and Scarlett O’Hara theme. Nina spits frog acid all over them and sends them backstage. In alone time, the judges repeat themselves. Heidi can’t believe how much they liked Trandy’s work, but the guys stand up for it. She likes the simple day dress but that was it.

Nina likes that Mondo uses color and Kors says that he knows construction. Mondo ftw! Heidi loved Wretch’s hippie couture and Kors seconds that. Nina thinks it’s rich enough for a perfect advert shoot. Heidi says the day dress is too simple, but Kors loves the swishiness of it. UGH that dress is disgusting! Nina said the bottom three made costumes for My Fair Lady, the Little Mermaid and Gone with the Wind. Heidi half liked Chunk’s work but the train was a disaster. They all agree that there was nothing salvageable about Other Asian Guatemalan’s work and Kors calls her ready to wear dress Xanax. Yummmmm.

Nina thinks Hivy’s work was tragic and Kors goes off about how bad it was. He says she bites off more than she can chew, literally, and he’s sick of having to hire new PA’s every week because they’re missing limbs. The judges argue about who’s worse: Hivy or Valerie, and they can’t agree. Each has a special kind of hate for those girls. Get rid of em both! Kors calls the day “a tight race for hideous.” HAHAHAH. The kids are brought back out, and Mondo wins! HOLLER! YAY MONDO! Do you know how many little girl outfits he can buy with twenty grand? Hopefully he can buy a tree to hide behind for when bullies are coming down the street while he’s wearing this outfit.

He’s so cute. And horrifying. It’s a nice combo. Trandy and Wretch are both safe, obvs. Chunk is in. Uhoh. Not lookin good for Guatemasia! And….Hivy’s out!!! And Valerie’s…in! BOOOOOO! Valerie doesn’t eat people! Valerie says she’s stunned. Wretch says “you’re in?” LOL Wretchen. Val says that she should have been out and it’s totally not fair. No one disagrees. Hivy cries about how much she loves fashion, and the possum she found in the storage closet isn’t helping her feel any better.

Val says she wishes she could go home for her, but when she doesn’t get up and go back onto the runway to tell the judges that, Hivy gets a pissy look on her face. Tim comes in gives her a hug and a parting gift. I think it’s a gerbil, but I can’t tell cuz she practically inhales it. She hugs Valerie bye and tells her to stop her bitching. Damn. A nasty c word to the bitter end. You gotta admire her consistency. We get to see a little of Mondo’s shoot, and the poor guy gets stuck with a bulldyke director who yells a lot. He’s trying to enjoy his moment, but they’ve made him dress like a boy. Ah well, at least he’s got twenty grand!

 

Next week, fun with printers!

>
Go to Source

Yes, yes, I know this week’s title is not terribly clever or original, but once it was in my head I couldn’t get it out, so we’re going with it, okay?  This week the gang lands in New York City for Kim’s gorilla party. Simon is focused on the party; Jonathan is focused on himself.

DUH.

After the obligatory Times Square at Night shots, Jonathan tells us he’s very bi-coastal, and lives on a plane.   He’s constantly going from New York to L.A. and back again; aren’t you jealous about how FAB he is?  Me either.

He can’t wait for everyone to come hang in his apartment which he’s going to be seeing for the first time.  He tells us it’s been under construction for like, forever.  So he’s excited to see it, and excited (sort of) for his mom to see it.

Is anyone the least bit surprised that Jonathan is a momma’s boy?

He tells us his mom has very high standards, so he’s really hoping she’ll like his new digs.  I’m personally hoping she hates it and reduces him to a blubbering mess before the end of the show.  Simon cuts into the apartment blabbing, telling Jonathan they have more important things to focus on, like the event.

Simon is super excited about the event which will be held in Times Square at Dave & Buster’s.  Because nothing says save the gorilla babies like a few rounds of skeeball and a brew.

My mommy doesn’t like skeeball.

Simon tells the gang that one the plane he was brainstorming a really fun fabulous photo op: he’s dying for a baby gorilla to walk the red carpet.  LOLOLOLOL!  The best thing is that Simon can’t even see just how wrong that is.  I hope he does it.  I will laugh my ass off!

Isn’t that past my bedtime?

They arrive at their hotel, The Paramount, which is actually a gorgeous hotel that was renovated in 2009.  I’d be happy to talk more about how lovely the hotel is if they want to comp me a room or something.  Anyway, Simon tells them they’re going to have a breakfast pow wow in the morning, so rest up!

In the morning the team meets over breakfast, and Simon is still gung ho about his baby gorilla idea.  Jonathan can’t believe he’s still talking about the damn gorilla, but Simon will not be deterred and goes to call Beth from the charity: Dian Fosse Gorilla Fund.  Oh, this should be good.

Beth, how bout you hook me up with some baby gorillas?  I want them on the red carpet getting flashbulbed in their faces.  Won’t that be fun?

Oopsie!  I thought it could just be like a playdate for a couple of hours.  No?

**CLICK.**

Hahahaha!  Poor Simon.  I’m sort of bummed that the total humiliation didn’t go down, but it’s Simon we’re talking about here and I like him, so I guess I’m glad he didn’t stick his foot in baby gorilla poo.

He goes back to the table to fill everyone in, and Jonathan says he TOLD him that it was a ridiculous idea.  Funny, I don’t remember seeing that at all.  But enough about the event they all flew out here to plan, Katie asks Jonathan if he saw his apartment last night.  No, but he can’t wait to go.  And everyone gets to go see it too.  Simon says they can all see it after the big event.

Yeah, that’s totally gonna happen.

In fact, the very next scene is them going to see Jonathan’s apartment.  He left in the middle of the construction, so he’s really happy to go see it.

Luuucy!  I’m home!

We meet Jonathan’s construction guy, a ginormo Italian guy from Brooklyn.  I love Sal right away because when Jonathan asks him why there’s still paper on the floor, he tells Jonathan to get the fuck outta here.  Now if only Jonathan would do that.

They walk around admiring the apartment and the view, and Jonathan tests out his remote controlled blinds.  Gah.  I hate him. Okay, I’m also jealous of his apartment, but that’s not why I hate him.

I call first dibs on apartment sitting!

Don’t let her do it, Jonathan.  You know she’ll have sex on every flat surface there is.  And yes, I’m including the ceiling in that too.  Summer says he needs to have a housewarming party, and Jonathan gobbles that suggestion right up.  He’s going to invite his mom, celebs from the charity, mommy, Kim, and Momma. Simon is a big ole housewarming party pooper though, say no way, they are here for the gorillas.

Well, invite them too!

Sal pretends to be a gorilla which sparks an idea in Jonathan’s brain: dress Sal up in a gorilla outfit and put in on the red carpet with Kim.  Sal doesn’t seem too fond of the idea, but I’m guessing he’ll come around once it sinks in that he’ll be standing yea close to Kim.

Simon poops out the party once more, saying he does need the girls to actually work.  He wants agreement from everyone that they are focusing on the gorilla party, and the housewarming party can wait until their next trip to NYC.  Jonathan agrees while giving the girls the raised eyebrow looks that says

I’ve totally got my fingers crossed behind my back.

I think we can all see where this is going to go, can’t we?  Simon tells us he wasn’t born yesterday.  He knows Jonathan is going to go right ahead and do whatever the hell he wants.  He says the minute he tells him not to have it the more inclined he is TO have it.  Then isn’t the conversation they just had a little counterproductive?

I say I don’t want him to have it, but I really DO so I can sit around and bitch about it for the rest of the episode.

As Simon and the girls start to walk out, Jonathan grabs Erika and pulls her aside.

I’ve seen that you like really funny looking guys so I was wondering if you’d like to sleep your way to the top?

No, he doesn’t really say that silly gooses!  Sex with another person would require Jonathan focusing his attention on someone other than himself.  And we all know he doesn’t go that way.

No, he pulls Erika aside to tell her he needs her to get him a bartender and a caterer.  He wants her to tell the other girls that they should all work no his party, but they all have to swear not to tell Simon.  They high five to seal the bargain.

Outside, Simon is starting to really like the idea of Sal dressed as a gorilla.  He sends Lauren and Erika off to a costume shop to find a gorilla costume big enough for Sal.  I’m not sure what Katie and Summer will be working on, but Simon and Jonathan are heading over to see Kim and go over details of the event.

They greet her Australian bodyguard at the door, and then giggle and laugh with her about him once inside.  I can totally understand Kim’s attraction to the Aussie.

I have a soft spot for Aussie men myself.  Sigh.

Kim tries to tell the guys that she was totally not into the bodyguard at first, but she has the hots for him now.  I’m not going to go into the whole story here – you can read more about that subject in swellmel’s recap!  Holla Swell!

Jonathan says it’s really hot in her room, and is she on some sort of special diet or something that requires no air conditioning?  She likes it hot.

It gives her an excuse to traipse around in a bathrobe all day giving Shengo little peeks at her goodies.

Simon is sweating like a pig and blotting like crazy.  He shares with Kim that he botoxes his pits.  Um, ewwwww?  I didn’t know botox stops you from sweating.  Not that I need to know one way or the other because that shit is never going into my face.  Botulism injections?  I’d rather sweat and wrinkle, thanks!

So, on to the gorillas.  Simon tells her that the Dian Fossey fund is so excited and appreciative of everything she’s doing.  Kim’s so excited!  The Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund is SO important to her.  What’s the name of the charity again?  I forget.  Simon tells Kim about his idea of having a baby gorilla on the red carpet.

Are you on crack?

Obviously she’s not onboard with that idea, and Simon quickly tells her about their idea to have Jonathan’s contractor, Sal, dress up in a gorilla costume.  She loves the idea.  Jonathan tells her she can’t blame him if Sal does something crazy like humping her on the red carpet.  Not to worry, she’s used to being humped in front of the cameras!

Jonathan segues into his favorite topic: his apartment.  He tells Kim he can’t wait for her to see it.  She’s dying to see it.  Simon tells her next trip to New York they’re going to do a housewarming.  Yes, Jonathan says, next time.  Yup, totally next time.  Not this time, nosiree bob.

Meanwhile, Lauren and Erika are buying weiners.  Lauren congratulates Erika on her first New York wiener and then they take some touristy pictures.  Aren’t they supposed to be shopping for a gorilla costume and planning Jonathan’s housewarming party?  There’s no time for wieners girls!

You know Lauren’s totally cropping her out of that picture later.

Erika loves the vibe of the city.  She’s more used to the chill atmosphere of San Diego.  Yeah, I don’t think anyone would claim that New York has a chill vibe going on.  After running through the streets holding hands as they go, they finally make it to the costume store.

Careful Erika, Coco Puff might get really turned on when he sees this

Birds love gorillas, don’t they?  They buy (or rent) the costume and head back out.  Lauren tells me she is loving New York City with Erika.  I think she’s happy not to be stuck with Summer and her inhaler.  I can only imagine the asthma attacks the city is giving her.  And yes, New York is THE city.  Not L.A.  Not Philly.  NEW YORK.

Lauren teaches Erika how to hail a cab, and tells us she’s so proud of how far she’s come.  She thinks they could totally tear the city up together.  I think Coco Puff would not like that.

They arrive back at the room and Katie takes a turn wearing the gorilla outfit

And molesting Summer

Erika takes this opportunity to tell the girls about the little chat she had with Jonathan vis a vis the housewarming party.  She says none of them can tell Simon – especially you Katie.  Katie says she’ll have to just not talk to him at all.  Yeah, I’m sure he won’t notice at all that you’re completely avoiding him.

She tells us she’s very uncomfortable not being able to tell Simon because they’re best friends.  Who want to bet how long it takes her to spill it to him?

I give myself a half hour tops.

It’s noon one the day of the event and Simon is heading over to Dave & Buster’s.  He says there are a ton of things to do; the red carpet needs to be set up, the press needs to be called, celebrities confirmed, and so on and so forth.  Guess who’s not there to help him?  Yep, you guessed it, the girls are AWOL. 

They’re over at Paramount Catering Company trying to arrange catering for Jonathan’s party. 

Too bad they can’t see Simon’s disappointed dad phone via their voice mail.

He’s calling everyone and no one is answering their phones.  What a bunch of crap.  He does a walk through at Dave and Buster’s oohing and aahing and talking about how it’s a playground for adults.  He’s going over the set up with the GM and getting in some time to play some of the games as well.  After the walk through he tries to give Katie a call, and she lasts all of five seconds before telling him that Jonathan pulled all the girls from the event so that they could plan his party.  Told ya!

Don’t tell that I told!

Simon is not happy.  He’s running around like a crazy man for a JOB while Jonathan is stealing the girls for his personal party.  Simon goes up to Jonathan’s room to confront him about this, but is sidetracked by how much nicer Jonathan’s room is than his.  Jonathan’s even got cookies.  Jonathan says he’ll get him upgraded, but he’s really trying to avoid the conversation he knows is coming.

Cookie?

But Simon will not be sidetracked by baked goods.  He says he will Windex the cookies because he stole the girls.  Jonathan tells him not to worry so much; when it comes to Kim he knows she’ll be on the cover of every paper just showing up to the event. He needs to do the party, OKAY?

Simon is not okay with it; he doesn’t like being duped.  Blah blah blah whiney cakes about the necessity of a party, and they finally agree to split up the girls giving each of them two to work on their events.  Jonathan wants to know if Simon will come to the party, and Simon tells him he needs to die.

Jonathan consoles himself by blowing a strawberry

So now everyone is back on track and Jonathan is at his apartment harassing Sal about the backsplash in the kitchen.  It’s in three pieces and he wanted one long piece.  Sal tells him the pieces don’t come that big, but Jonathan is not buying that so Sal gets on the phone to yell at someone else about the backsplash.  Ya gotta love construction guys.  They’ll insist something can’t be done until they see you won’t budge then, voila! All of a sudden it’s possible.  And costly.  Let’s not forget that one!

I can’t do it!  No way!  Impossible!

Ya better fucking fix this!

Jonathan whines at us that he’s totally embarrassed for his mom to see the place.  Hey!  I have a solution.  Wait til the next time you’re in the city to have your fucking party ya big dickwad.  He thinks she’s gonna walk right in and walk right back out.  Then he starts yelling at the girls and freaking out.  Lauren says he’s always nits but this time is even worse.  Probably because mommy is coming.

Jonathan calls Simon and tells him he can’t come to the event because there’s no way his place is going to be ready for the party.  Simon does a big told ya so before before telling him to get his fat lazy ass over to Dave & Buster’s.  That seems to work, and Jonathan says he has to head over to the event.  You tell em Simon.

We see shots of the red carpet and people I don’t give a crap about being photographed on it, and then we head back to where Sal is gearing up for his big gorilla moment.  Simon has exacted his revenge on Jonathan by sticking him in the room with Sal as he’s getting dressed.

Mommy!

Lauren must be on the shit list too because she is also assigned gorilla duty.  She tells us she actually had to touch Sal’s foot!  Heaven’s no!  Be glad you didn’t have to touch anything else sweetheart.

As is the usual on this show, we spend about thirty seconds at the actual event.  Kim arrives, is ushered inside, takes pictures with gorilla Sal.  At one point Sal produces a banana and proceeds to stick it in Kim’s face in a very sexual way.  The press eats it up.

Mission accomplished.

Baby gorilla films are shown, games are played.  The party is judged a success by all.  And now, with the event over, we can head on out to baby Jonathan’s party.

Hey look!  The Manzos are there!

Jonathan’s mom is also there.  Katie says she’s so wonderful, gracious and polite.  She thinks the apple fell very far from the tree.  Momma Cheban gives Jonny a big hug and he gives her the tour of the apartment.  Will she approve?

Bwahahahahahahaha!

I freaking love her.  And that’s a wrap for this episode.  What did you think, Gasmi?  Did you think Jonathan’s obsession with a party this time out was ridiculous?  What did you think of his place?  Do you love his mom as much as I do?

Next week, prank wars!  See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth

>
Go to Source

-I am ready to have Michael Scott back in my life. Check out this sneak peek from tonight’s episode. (via TV.com)

- I am obsessed with TLC’s Sister Wives and it has not even hit the airwaves yet. Check out the wives and their husband Kody today on The Today Show and tell me if you are not  just flabbergasted. (via Perez)

- I find it bizarre that Kelly Osbourne is rooting for Bristol Palin on DWTS. Underdog or not it just seems strange. Thoughts? (via People)

- Looks like we have fresh meat on Bad Girl’s Club next week.

>
Go to Source

This week on Teen Mom…

Catelynn cleans the apartment in preparation for April’s return from Vegas. The last thing she wants to do is piss off a broke drunk. When April arrives home Catelynn is quick to ask what piece of shit souvenir she brought back for her.  April responds by telling her about a t-shirt she saw that stated “If you think I’m a bitch, you should meet my mom.”  They have a good laugh, but Catelynn ruins it by bringing up Carly.  She tells April about how they called to wish Carly a “happy birthday”, this is April’s response:

I’d like to point out 2 things about this image 1. The awesome desktop wallpaper of April and Butch’s church wedding 2. the uncanny resemblance between April and Gollum.

Catelynn and Tyler discuss April’s apparent apathy regarding Carly and, again, they come to the conclusion that they must lower their expectations.

Maci is packing up for the big move to Nashville! She still hasn’t told Ryan.  I am beginning to think that Maci doesn’t like confrontation. She talks with a friend while she counts a suspicious about cash.  She reveals that she’s ready to “jump in” with Kyle, something she never did with Ryan. Wondering if that’s a euphemism for anal?

Farrah’s seriously considering moving in to her parents rental house unless she can come up with a “creative solution”.  One of her “creative solutions” is to learn how to sew. I mean, Farrah doesn’t have any money and  sewing does sound like something poor people do, right? However, Farrah has enough money to buy fabric and a sewing machine, albeit a cheap one.  She begins her first garment while Sophia downs a $5 iced coffee.  Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t go well.

Coffee is to babies as brain cells are to Farrah

Despite last’s weeks tantrum, Farrah still claims that she is getting along with her parents.  She decides to tell them about the car scam. You know that she’s hoping they will just give her cash, but instead her dad tells her that Sophia should be entitled to Social Security considering her father has died.  That means Farrah will have to reach out to her ex’s family for a DNA test.  Uh oh,  Farrah doesn’t like this.

Gary’s still at his mom’s, but he can’t stay much longer. I can imagine the food bill he racks up! But, that’s not the reason. Chris (oh yeah, you remember Gary’s step dad) and Gary just don’t get along and Carol can’t be stuck in the middle. There’s only room for one fat, freeloading male in Carol’s home and it’s reserved for the one who gives her dick and unless Gary’s up the challenge, he’s gotta go.

Since Amber failed her GED practice test,  she’s studying for her HS diploma from home while Leah walks around in Amber’s stripper shoes.

Someone get this baby a pole!

Seriously, why doesn’t Amber consider stripping? She has the prerequisites: likes dancing, has bastard child, likes money, unnaturally tan…Anyways, Gary talks to Amber about staying with her while he finds a new place.  She agrees, but only if he sleeps on the couch and pays.  She’s done with him.

Although they aren’t together, Amber still orders him to bring her her purse.  She needs to take her meds. NO SHIT! I think it’s about time Amber ups her dosage of whatever she’s taking cuz the bitch still be crazy. Gary obeys and with his usual charm, he passive aggressively brings up that Amber left a knife out within Leah’s reach.  Listen Gary, Amber was just trying to do Leah a favor.

Meanwhile in Mich-here-we-go-igan, Tyler and Catelynn are working on a scarp book for Carly when Catelynn receives a call from Butch.  He’s been moved from rehab to the county jail for violating the  no contact order set between him and April.  It turns out that, a year earlier, a drunk April called the cops during a fight with Butch, who was on parole, which resulted in the no contact order.  This order was violated when the 2 talked while Butch was in rehab.  You know poor Tyler is disappointed, but he remains stoic.  I guess nothing can keep April away from her precious.

All of Maci’s friends are home from college and come by to see her off.  She still hasn’t told Ryan about the move, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!? Maci, have you considered writing him? By the time he deciphers the text you will  already be in Nashville.

Amber is tense with Gary around, but at least he’s there to watch Leah while Amber goes to a martial arts class. How does she have money for this???? On the way there, she talks to cousin Krystal about the sitch. Gary’s gotta go. Hopefully, Amber can release some of that tension at her dry humping class.

uh…

Farrah visits her lawyer to figure out this whole Social Security thing. Maybe she can also  get disability for being retarded. Sorry retards, I realize how insulting that was.  Farrah’s lawyer tells her someone from her ex’s family has to give a DNA sample. He tries calling Derrick’s (Sophia’s dad) sister, Kassy, with no luck.  It’s all up to Farrah. But, Farrah doesn’t want to be involved in their “drama”.  The lawyer probes, but Farrah doesn’t give any more dets. Nice try, MTV. The lawyer essentially tells her to grow the fuck up and deal.  Farrah sends Kassy a facebook message.

Free prize for the reader who catches  the most errors!

April is pretty upset about Butch being in the slammer, especially since it’s her fault. Here I was thinking that April just fucked up the lives of those she birthed.  April reads Catelynn a letter she wrote to the state in the hopes of helping Butch.  She actually formed some pretty decent sentences. Butch calls and April laughs about how Nick says they are going to use a big truck to break into the jail and rescue him.  Oh yes, nothing is cuter than a 4-year-old pining over his imprisoned father figure.

Remember kids, this looks good after being in the slammer

Farrah’s working extra hours, but it still isn’t enough.  She really needs that Social Security.  She decides to call Kassy who agrees to provide the DNA sample. Farrah takes Sophia to “Any Lab Test Now!” (WTF?) so they can get swabbed. Farrah doesn’t know the name of the test they are there for, but it doesn’t take the chick working the front desk long to figure out it’s a “paternity” test.  Seriously Farrah, have you never seen Maury?

Finally, something Farrah is good at!

Amber returns from  class to find Leah playing with a glass candle.  She quickly chews out Gary  b/c a glass candle is totally the same as a steak knife. She wants to know if Gary has found anything and shocker, he hasn’t.  Amber wants to know what’s taking so long.  He doesn’t need much, just wide doorways and easy access to the kitchen.  But, Gary reveals that he’s looking for a 2-3 bedrooms b/c he’s getting roommates. Amber wants to know who and Gary isn’t saying (I bet that’s because it’s Little Debbie and Mrs. Fields).  Amber does have a point, she’s entitled to know who her daughter will be exposed to; however, she totally overreacts. Gary doesn’t give in and, like a made for TV movie, Amber loses her shit and tells Gary to get out. Gary says he’s taking Leah, Amber doesn’t seem to put up much of a fight on that one.  Poor fat Gary.

Gary runs to his friend Jordan or “toxic fat friend” as Flipit put it. I just noticed that he’s wearing a wedding ring, WTF?!? To make matters even worse, he  gives Gary good advice.  I so wanted to hate this guy! He tells Gary that Amber brings him down and it isn’t healthy, both true. Gary isn’t hearing it.  He wants his family and a ham sandwich.

Maybe they are friends because they both look like fat creepy adult babies?

Farrah hasn’t heard from the lab and then she gets the call, looks like this Kassy bitch was a no show.

Maci says goodbye to her parents and heads over to say her good byes to Ryan.  AWKWARD. Ryan calls Maci a “shitty person” and selfish. What a dick.

Gary calls Amber to apologize and weasel his way back in to the apartment.  She agrees to let him let him back for a little longer, but he better mind his “Ps and Qs”.    He  returns to the apartment where Amber proceeds to tell him that he’s only there b/c she pitys him, OUCH! I guess he only has eyes for Amber’s domestic abuse.

Catelynn goes with April to talk to a lawyer about Butch.  Looks like the lawyer can’t help without $1,500. So in jail Butch shall remain. Man, it must suck to be poor.

Maci arrives in Nashville and Kyle helps assemble Bentley’s crib. Maci reveals that she’s not at all worried about losing Bentley to Ryan since he’s as dumb as a box of rocks and she can prove it!

Farrah announces that she is going to cook dinner.  Someone call the fire department.  She begins by putting something frozen in a pot and then “making sauce” aka opening a jar.  I hope she didn’t pay too much for that culinary degree.

The classic french “le scissors” technique

Sure enough, the stove bursts into flames.  Quick, Farrah! Throw Sophia on there to smother that fire!

Farrah’s lawyer calls and she fills him in.  Farrah wants the court to make Kassy do the test. Uh, this is America, Farrah, people have rights! He mentions something about offering Kassy visitation rights.  It sounds like Farrah has kept Sophia from Derrick’s family this whole time.  No wonder Kassy was a no show. Again, Farrah get’s all “poor me” with the lawyer and the lawyer tells her to shut the fuck up. Let’s hope some of this is sinking in.

>
Go to Source

Bono’s ONE foundation is in some serious hot water. They just uncovered that out of the $15 million that got donated in 2008, only $184,732 went to legit causes, and $8 million went towards paying the workers’ salaries. This is NOT positive! I understand that only a percentage of donations from a charity are REQUIRED by law to be allocated, but if I were Bono, I’d make sure an a$$load of the donations were being put to good use. I wouldn’t be handing out leather notebooks, and bags of coffee to reporters.

I understand that raising awareness is a big part of charity work, but if that’s where all of your money is going–then I wouldn’t call something a charity. I certainly don’t want to be funding Bono’s tax write-off. How the hell is Bono going to save face on this one? He’s the all-loving, the Mother Teresa of music.

But don’t forget Gasmii, for just one dollar, you can still buy a wristband to fund the receptionist’s salary.

Here’s a screen grab from the ONE store:

I love that they have a “SALE” section! Does that mean that even less goes to the charity? Or do they donate the same amount? I’m going to start a NADS foundation. I won’t lie about it, 100% of the proceeds goes to me. No fine print, no B.S. I’ll take straight up hard cash…or you can Paypal me.

>
Go to Source

It’s another big night of premieres & the DVR is going to take another beating. Only 3 new shows, but no less than 10 returning favorites. Depending on your tastes, there’s something for everyone tonight. We need to get started…..

8pm:

Community (NBC) In it’s 2nd season, Joel McHale is up against the big guns tonight. His show is up against Sheldon Cooper & his fresh Emmy win. His only hope…. Betty White! She’s the guest star & the group’s anthropology professor! Spanish teacher Chang has enrolled in college just so he can be a part of the study group. They bonded in the paintball take-over from last season. Here’s hoping Joel can do it!

Big Bang Theory (CBS) Their 3rd season begins on a new night & timeslot. Is this a mistake? We can only wait & see. Tonight it’s Sheldon & Amy + Penny, on their first date. Shortly Kaley Cuoco’s “Penny” will be absent for a few of the new episodes. Seems she’s broken her leg & can’t work for a bit. ABC has had to scramble to rearrange their storylines to explain her absense.

Bones (FOX) After 7 months split up & going separate ways, the team is brought back together for their season 6 premiere. This time they are checking out bones of a young boy in Washington DC.

My Generation (ABC) This new drama series is partially filmed in faux-documentary style. Former high school classmates reconnect when a film crew, who had documented them during their senior year, returns 10 yrs later. If I’m not mistaken, TVland already has High School Reunion & it IS a reality show.

8:30pm:

#@%*! My Father Says (CBS) This new sitcom has been scrutinized since it was announced on the fall schedule … just for its name. The premise is based on Justin Halpern’s Twitter feed commenting on his father’s views on life. Now William Shatner is that father. I love the fact that it brings Will Sasso & Nicole Sullivan back together (MadTV). Critics already hate it… & it’s up against an Emmy winner… so what chance does it have?

30 Rock (NBC) In the season #5 premiere, Matt Damon is back & dating Liz. (God, I wish she’d date Jon Hamm again) Jack, of course, is not liking it at all. Tracey can’t take the fact that Kenneth isn’t an NBC page anymore & Jenna is the new producer of “TGS”.

9pm:

CSI: (CBS) Season #11 of the best of the best IMO. I’m excited about this premiere… and not just because Justin Bieber is the guest star! I’ve missed Nick. Bieber’s playing a “troubled teen” & creates havoc for the CSI crew. Meanwhile, Ray is still in critcal condition from his stab wounds from last season. Can’t wait to see if Catherine has had more plastic surgery!

The Office (NBC) Season #7 & Steve Carell’s last. He has announced he will leave in May because he’s a big movie star now. (Well… he is!) As for tonight… Kathy Bates is a guest star.

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC). The premiere of season #7 has us right where we left off… with that huge shoot-out cliffhanger! Who survived? Who can go back to work? Who’s going to clean up the mess?

Fringe (FOX) Season #3 & going strong. Olivia is stuck in an alternate universe & is struggling to get free … meanwhile her evil twin continues to work along side Peter & Walter & no one suspects a thing!

9:30pm:

Outsourced (NBC) This new sitcom’s premise is all about Todd (Ben Rappaport) being “outsourced” to India to head up a “call center”. He’s there to teach the employees the “American Way” so they can fake it while selling novelty items from a catalog. Hmmm…. sound familiar. Will it be funny? I don’t know…. we’ll see.

10pm:

The Mentalist (CBS) He’s back! The handsomest psychic medium on TV. For his 3rd season, Jane is still reeling from his encounter with Red John (someone who was woefully missing last season). The CBI is pestering him tho. They want him to help find a lawyer who’s been kidnapped. Snooze… let’s see more RED!

Private Practice (ABC) It’s season #4 & I don’t have a clue what’s going on. This is not a show I watch. From other sites… Dell is dead & everyone is saddened. Violet & Pete are making frantic plans to marry. Naomi is taking care of Maya & her baby. Addison & Sam are…. I don’t know…

The Apprentice (NBC) It’s premiere was last Sunday, but tonight it settles in at it’s new timeslot on Thursday nights. I must say… I’m glad there are no celebrities this time around. the show is refreshing to watch again. Tonight the teams sell ice cream on the city’s corners.

My picks for the evening…. well I have to watch Project Runway (Lifetime 9pm) so it will make things a tad hard to shuffle around. CSI, Big Bang Theory & Community are a must. I will DVR the two new sitcoms & watch them in the morning.

From last night… The Whole Truth (ABC) was a winner for me. It gave me my courtroom fix I’ve been missing & I enjoyed the way it played out. I loved The Middle. It brought back memories of my kids first days at school! I haven’t related to a show so much since “Roseanne”. Better with You was okay, but predictable. I’ll probably watch it again & only because of it’s timeslot. I could only make it through 10 minutes of The Defenders (CBS). My eyes just seemed to glaze over & i was thinking of giving the dog a bath… tell ya anything?

>
Go to Source

Another season of Dancing With the Stars means another season of pic caps! HOLLER. To read all about Monday’s performances, check out HappyHousewife’s hilary recap here. There were two hours of this bs tonight and thankfully, the first was just a recap of last night. I was going to have to come up with an excuse to not do it. I had planned on pretending I had some form of lymphoma all week. Thankfully, I can drop that and instead pretend to be perfectly healthy. Honestly, I don’t even know what lymphoma does. Do you understand what I’m saying? No? Me neither! Let’s do this!

First sign of a super sexy season.

The producers were more shocked by the contestant being eliminated tonight than America was that half these people are even considered celebrities in the first place.

 

If this biatch has to suck it in, there’s no hope in hell for the rest of us.

Real stars get the wax out of their ears before a taping.

Maks has really let himself go!

The conductor is an unabashed Longhorns fan.

 

Within ten seconds of the opening, I am reminded why I love this show like a hundred times.

x 100

Woah. Family show! And families share. Pass that Maks.

Santana lip syncs worse than Britney Spears. He’s mouthing the words to “Party in the USA” right now.

I sang backup for Santana and all I got was this lousy plastic jacket.

In case you ever wondered where the gay slur “twinkle toes” came from.

That guy’s hung like a Kym.

A look at the male dancers’ audition.

Nope! Your car keys aren’t there either. We’ll just have to keep looking.

Reason # 500 I love this show:

x 500

If Brooke is going to seriously replace Useless Samantha, she’s gonna have to start opening her mouth really wide for no reason and dressing way tackier. I don’t approve of this.

 

They’ve already announced the bottom three. Shit. That means I am supposed to recap that first hour after all. NO. There. That was easy. Wait. This is the top three on the boards last night, not the voters’ top three. This shouldn’t be confusing.

And yet it is. Tom Jones just rolled over in his almost grave.

If I can get my body as tight as my face, I might have a shot. Mmmmm. Shots.

Sharia Law Gone Fabulous

This picture makes me flashback to when Roy got mauled by a tiger.

How did a piggy back ride land the Situation in the bottom?!? That move’s a classic!

Nicollete please return my calls. I’m SORRY!

This girl could be President one day.

I’m so getting her pregnant.

Old sluts. Best new TV staple of our times.

If she could get all the way down she might have had a better role on The Hills.

Rectangular boobs have never been so Blah.

Thanks for the skin camouflage. WTF? Is Spanx making ball gowns now?

The scientist who spliced Gary Coleman and Randy Jackson’s DNA should be arrested. This is unfair to them, to us, to science, and to humanity.

Hey! That stupid machine ate my quarter!

If I win I get a new car, right? My last one’s still all jacked up.

Cute laugh! Derek must have just played her his “music”.

We’re safe! Now let’s make out. Close mouthed then? Nothing? SHERIDAN PLEASE. Cho’s safe too!

Oprah’s giving you a minivan!

You and your wattle are gonna have to wait for your results. We’ve still got four hours of show left.

Three cheers for microderm abrasion and fish oil pills! She looks like freakin’ Rudi from The Cosby Show.

Chunky guys in Arizona wear satin and ride unicycles.

So do chunky guys in Nebraska.

And in NYC! Satin: The Chunky Fabric of Our Lives

Corolla makes funny Hoff hair jokes named after dances. Unfortunately, he doesn’t give the poor guy a bottle of vodka and a bag of burgers. Hey! It’s Daughtry!

Come on DWTS! He’s been around long enough to deserve a mic his height. Have one made for him.

This is how dogs say hi to each other.

Reach, little guy!

 

One thing I’ve always liked about Chris is how he makes singing look so painful.

Jeeze buddy it’s not a colonoscapy.

 

Tom says that Brooke is backstage with the four highest scorers, but there are only three people there. Well if he could do math he might have a different profession and this job might be taken by someone who actually gives a frick.

Feelin great today Brooke! Could you give me a ride home?

No I don’t have an opinion of Kara getting fired. Why are you asking me that? PS your boobs are amazing.

This guy is boring. Let’s just stare at his pretty eyes.

Sorry I’m late! I just wanted to make sure I looked nothing like the original Jennifer Grey for this segment. I will keep holding the back of my face until the camera leaves. Hurry so I can let go. This hurts.

The contestants have to go onstage to find out who’s on the bottom. Wait. Didn’t we already find out Hoff and Situation are the bottoms? So confusing. Oh wait. They were the judges’ bottoms. Shudder.

I think I just fahted but I’m not shoohah. Anyone?

Jennifer’s safe! Unfortunately, her nose is always in fear of being crushed and reshaped at any moment. Poor not safe nose!

Safe! Now we’ll get to see what other full body stocking the evil producers come up with for Cheryl next week.

Lacy’s praying to get kicked off right now. Gary Coleman Randy Jackson Hybrid is thinking he’s totally getting laid tonight.

 

She might be going home! She and Brandy are still in jeopardy as we go to break! OH NOES!

Wear bland shoes so guys will stare at your ass. Bizarre reasoning, New Balance, but I’ll try it.

Or just get a coke habit and eat whatever you want.

I love Pinnochio! You’ve got my vote, girl!

 

Santana and India Arie!

LOVE YOU

OK the hand ballet is creeping me out a little, but still LOVE

Women in jock straps. Fashion has officially run out of ideas.

Lazy man love making. It also works on a recliner with a remote control in one hand.

Congrats! You’re mediocre!

You spoke too soon. Brandy’s driving up behind you.

Rick got on this show by playing with balls. That’s dedication.

Rick looks like chocolate. I will eat him. YUMMMMM

You can’t wash the black of, woman! You’re hurting me!

Loretta Devine! I can’t wait for your next Tyler Perry movie!

Florence gets her first boner of the season.

Please be my mommy so people will be nice to me again.

 

Bristol drove a truck here from Alaska. LOL. Sitch didn’t know Alaska had roads. Send Brandy there.

Ole Dead Eyes is safe!

Who says you can’t get votes by opening your mouth as wide as an anaconda?

Your mommy’s depressed because you look like your good for nothing father, you little bastard. Have a good day at school!

You’ve got a gorgeous house and apparently no job to go to. What the f are you depressed about? I’m coming out with a new pill called GET OVER IT. LIFE SUCKS FOR EVERYONE. That might be too long to fit on a bottle. How bout just STFUpX.

I have lots of black mannequin friends!

Your husband is a racist dick.

 

Now for Santana again! Dang, man, take a break! He’s with Daughtry this time! UGH. Just more midget yelling by Daughtry. FF.

Len hasn’t rocked this hard since he saw Sammy Davis Jr at the Desert Inn.

I specifically asked to not be touched by Tom.

 

Who are you rooting for Chris?

I don’t watch this shit. I’m rooting for Bolton to get his Jew fro back, though.

Being a dancer is hard. Being teamed with a fat horny teenager is HELL. VOTE ME OFF.

Stop your bitching. Kym gets it way worse.

The producers try to get me to wear an overcoat every single week. I hate this job.

Maks says if he goes first he’ll take responsibility for not being good enough for the show. LOL. Diss all the other loozas who have lost first, why don’t ya, hot butt? Hoff is literally holding Kym like a walker.

Would you mind if I put some tennis balls on your feet?

Brandy’s safe! She might wanna start wearing deodorant though cuz Maks is being really rude about her nervous sweaty pits.

Rude! Just breathe through your mouth.

Bristol’s safe! Let’s hope Mark is safe too later or this is gonna turn super dramatic.

 

Tom repeats the same stuff he has for the past eleven hours all over again. Come on! I’m dyin here! And by dyin I mean I promised myself I wouldn’t order a pizza til I had a first draft done. Get a move on!

Not helping.

Kurt is safe! Gary Coleman Jackson knows he might be out so he tries to cop a feel.

Boy you’re gonna lose that hand.

 

Sitch is safe! Let’s talk to the Hoff’s daughters!

Well, he didn’t fall down or vomit so YAY!

Hoff’s out!! I can’t believe it! I thought fans of this show liked cheese. So confused. He lost to Gary Coleman Jackson?!? Half of that nickname’s dead! That sucks.

Well at least Cloris Leachman came by to send him off!

>
Go to Source

Guess what happened on Tuesday night?!? Season TWO of mother frickeen Glee!

Although it seems like forever ago that True Directions placed a disappointing third in Regionals, it’s really only been a few months. Yet within that short period of time, Glee is entering it’s second season with a slew of awards. Probably the most prestigious being the 2010 Golden Globe for Best Television Series- Musical or Comedy,  oh, and it’s 19 Emmy nominations, winning FOUR of them, including Jane Lynch’s Outstanding Supporting Actress… Not to mention it’s commercial success, because, although it’s frickeen evil genius, and hugely successful with it’s soundtracks, concert tours, and merchandise, like a Wii game called Karaoke Revolution Glee, that part kind of grosses me out. Even as someone with a marketing degree, I still want to love the show for why I fell in love with it in the first place… They can have all the acclaim and success they want as long as their underdogs still remain underdogs…  Oh, and hopefully, they’ll cut way down on the artist themed episodes. I did not miss that. (Although in hind site I still love the Madonna ep.) But you what else I missed?

You. I missed you, my gleeloveds… I can’t WAIT for you to point out my incorrect Gleek trivia bits. Or add a word or two to the “Glictionary.” Or even get into heated debate about how Kurt Hummel is too stereotypically gay.  And I mean that… So let’s dive in, shall we?

The first ep of the season starts off with McKinley’s jew fro journalist type,  Jacob Ben Israel, throwing a camera in the face of glee club members with accusations and rumors as to the major occurrences over the summer.  A clever little device used to catch us up on the haps, but also give the writers of Glee an opportunity to address the things that the show often receives flack for, like Will Shuester’s rapping, and auto-tuning.  Kudos, you self aware little writers, you.

A perusal of the various McKinley club lists reveal that nobody is interested in signing up for Glee, and of course, good ol’ Sue Sylvester is there to rub it in Will Shuester’s face. It’s not long before they’re summoned to Principal Figgins office though, where he tells both Sue and Will he’s going to cut their budgets by ten percent.  Shuester is “outraged.” (It’s in quotes because of the bad acting… Sorry Matthew Morrison, most of the time I think you’re a pretty good actor but then sometimes I am reminded that you were plucked from the stages of Broadway.) Sue takes it as a personal vendetta against the new football coach, Shannon Beiste.

That’s a whole lotta hot man lady in one frame.

In glee, Shue talks the glang into putting on show at lunch so that others will be inspired to join. They’ll need it to win National’s in New York. And since they’re going to New York they serenade McKinley with Jay Z’s and Alicia Key’s “New York.” Oh, good. I’ve only heard that song 8,948,572,984,593 million billion times. I really needed to hear a glee version…  Sarcasm aside, despite using a played out song, I still kinda liked it, but I love watching Brittany and Santana dance hip hop style, and of course, I LOVE when Mercedes does her thing. Or maybe I just really liked their outfits.

If this happened during my lunch time in high school I would have shit myself.

Goody Two Shues makes a deal with the devil and sides with Sue Sylvester to take down Coach Beiste. It’s the only way he thinks he can get some of his budget back. This is gonna be good…

Finn is putting sing up sheets in the locker room when he hears some hottie new blonde transfer guy sing some G&R in the shower. That poor bar of soap wasn’t the same after.

“I will love him and squeeze him.”

Rachel is doing the same in the girls bathroom when she runs into a cute little Philippino girl she noticed singing along at lunch. She encourages her to sign up by shouting very slowly until Rachel actually hears her sing. They did really awesome quick little “Telephone” Beyonce/Lady GaGa duet until Sue tells them to shut up.  Oh and guess what I love. Sunshine’s voice. Big time.  It’s poppy but there’s a little bit of a rasp to it. I LOVE the raspy thing.

What with the different look every scene, Sunshine? This one’s my fav.

BTW, if you haven’t seen the video for “Telephone”, where have you been, and please do so ASAP. It’s really frickeen good. But I’m a sucker for anything set in a female prison.

Speaking of which, Coach Beiste tells the team they’ll all have to try out again to be on the football team, while Will and Sue hide and giggle through the front door of the locker room at a pizza delivery guy claiming Beiste has ordered a bunch of pizzas. The Beiste seems wise to their game though… Oh, and I like that Beiste refers to herself in the third person, but why would she call herself the “Panther,” rather than the “Beast?” Panther seems forced in a character that already seems forced… Not the actor mind you, the character.

Artie talks Finn into vouching for him to join the football team so he can try to get Tina back from Mike Chang. Side note- Tina and Mike fell for each other at an Asian summer camp, teaching kids about the arts. I loved Mike Chang’s camp counsler outfit. Here it ’tis, glays and gladies-

He’s stepping on a small Asian child. You just can’t see it.

Finn does some persuading of his own and gets the new kid, Sam Evans, to perform Travie McCoy’s “Billionaire” for him and the dudes of glee. He nails it and the guys get him to agree to audition. He should also audition for the Twizzlers mouth guy… (I have to admit that joke doesn’t feel very satisfying cause the writers of Glee had already beaten me to the punch.)

The next day, Mercedes is making fun of Kurt’s sweater when Rachel comes rushing into the the glee room worried about Sunshine. Kurt and Mercedes tell Rachel she’s crazy and they’ll need someone like Sunshine to beat Vocal Adrenaline, but all I can do is stare at that sweater.  I know they did it on purpose. I think this one is by far the most outlandish Kurt get up yet.

In the teacher’s lounge, Will and Sue give the Beiste the cold shoulder when she wants to sit with them. It upsets her and after when Finn approaches Coach Beiste about Artie playing football she flips out and throws Finn off the team.  Boy oh boy, I tell ya, the character may seem a bit cartoony but the actress does an amazing job of making her real.  Very genuine. That woman could sing in a death metal band.

At Cheerio try outs, Quinn makes a compelling argument to Sue for putting her back on the team. Even Finn tries out so he can be popular again. Becky, Sue’s really frickeen adorable Cheerio assistant with down syndrome, tells Finn he’s embarrassing himself. Shue hears about Finn’s attempt from Sue and tries to get Bieste and Figgins to put Finn back on the football team. No dice though.

Sue demotes Santana to the bottom of the pyramid and she’s going to have Quinn replace her as Cheerio  captain. Sue has a no plastic policy and Santana got a boob job over the summer. Five or six Sue Sylvester boob job jokes later, Santana is slamming a cheerios outfit sporting Quinn into the lockers. This fight was actually pretty legit, and ol’ pervo Birschy here doesn’t mind seeing Quinn all riled up.

Time’s up in glee club, and it looks like everyone is a no show for auditions. Kurt is channeling the powers of Castle Greyskull and tells Finn he’s not the popular guy he used to be.

“I have the poooowwer… It’s gettin’, it’s gettin’, it’s gettin’, kinda hectic.”

In Figgins’ office, Sue has Brittney accuse the Bieste of touching her boobs. Shue realizes it’s a ploy and gets Brittney to admit the truth.  Brittney admits she actually wants to touch Coach Biest’s boobs. Awesome… So. Awesome.

Tina and Mike hear through the Asian grapevine what Rachel did to Sunshine and Shue tells Rachel she needs to apologize and make things right. Rachel has Sunshine audition in the auditorium with “Listen” from Showgirls. With a little too much arm flailing, and an amazing vocal, Sunshine easily makes it into the glee club.

In the teacher’s lounge, Goody Two Shues smokes the peace pipe with the Beiste when Sue comes along to satisfy their munchies with poop cookies. Shue calls her out on it and he goes right back onto the top of Sue Sylvester’s poop list. Ha! Poop. Poop is funny.

Finn asks the new guy why he didn’t show up to audition in the locker room and he admits that he’s afraid if he joins glee he’ll have trouble fitting in. What’s more is that he’s now the QB… Poor Finn. I’m sure it won’t be long before he’s somehow back on top, though. I give it about three or four episodes.

Shue is giving Sunshine the deets for glee when the NEW coach for Vocal Adrenaline tells him she’s been recruited to his school. (Sue tipped him off.) His name is Dustin Goolsby, and it was weird seeing the nice guy from 30 Rock play a snarky vocal coach. I looked him up though and he was once dubbed Broadway’s sexiest man. He’s also gay. Which I wasn’t able to tell from 30 Rock. I only bring that up because once again, Glee has us/me talking about a gay man who claims that his being gay has gotten in the way of getting cast as a straight man… But I digress.

In the halls, Finn tells Rachel he talked the glang out of a “code red,” but that she needs to apologize for their losing Sunshine to Vocal Adrenaline. There is a really cute Finchel moment when they both admit that they’d never leave the other.  After, Rachel walks to the auditorium for a moment to herself and sings A Chorus Line’s “What I Did For Love.” Not sure why though. Can anyone tell me? Seriously? What love is she supposed to be referring to? Her love for herself? For Finn? Or is she singing on everyone’s behalf? Anyway, it was at least nice to have an actual show tune in this episode as opposed to a song that’s currently played on the radio hundreds of times a day.

That being said,  I have to say, not a bad start to the second season. Not bad at all. Oh, and if you’re wondering what happened to the three new cast members they promised us at the end of last season, that fell through in June. I did some DEEP research and found out on Wikipedia that Ryan Murphy called off the reality show, documenting the audition process, for fear of distraction from Glee itself.  Apparently, they’ve still chosen several winners from the entrants and plan on putting them in a couple of episodes… Now you know, and you can sleep at night.

Thanks so much for sticking with me, my gleeloveds.

Talk at you next week.

yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk

BirschTalk’s Glines O’ the Week

“People thought I went on vacation but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.” -Brittney

“Uup, it’s time to feed my gimp.”-Sue

“Swaying in background can be fun” -Rachel, speaking slowly for someone she thinks doesn’t understand English.

“First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse, sin against nature.” -Sue

 

 

>
Go to Source

Gasmii! Ever since the relaunch something has felt amiss. Recently Nads was able to point out exactly what was different: TVGasm had stopped giving away cool stuff. So we are here to make right our wrong. On Tuesday September 28th Comedy Central is releasing A Little Box of Butters DVD. This DVD set gives a window into the the life of Leopold “Butters” Stotch.  But today on TVGASM you can win a free copy.

All you have to do is follow TVGasm (@TVGasm) on twitter and answer our trivia question about Butters. We will be tweeting the question at 2pm PST TODAY so get ready. The contest will run until 8:59am tomorrow and we will randomly select one winner from everyone who responds correctly. Remember to direct your response to @tvgasm so we see it.

Have fun and good luck!  Read the rest of this entry »