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Being that this is a pilot, and that pilots usually aren’t representative of an entire series, I’d prefer save all my opinionated stuff until the end rather than unload it on you right now before you’ve even read anything.  So here I’ll quickly go over the premise and then get right to recapping.

My Generation is about nine high school students from Austin who graduated back in 2000.  That was all filmed for a documentary.  And now, in 2010, the documentary crew has returned to see what they’ve all been up to.

Cool?  Cool.

ACT ONE

So we start off with the “documentary-within-the-show” portion.  There’s going to be a filmmaker narrating things occasionally.  Here, she sets up the year 2000…they use clips of Britney Spears, Bill Clinton, play some Eminem in there, and pan over a yearbook with videos of our high school students edited in where pictures would be…

Windows Movie Maker at its finest

Each high school student gets a second to introduce himself or herself.  Since there are nine of them, it’s a shit-ton of information, but let’s go over that now…

Here’s Rolly Marks.  Star basketball player.  Very optimistic. Thinks George Bush II is gonna be awesome.

Which I admit made me laugh out loud.  I THINK the writers wanted that.

Although, I have to say, this is the only mention they make of Dubya in this episode, and they completely gloss over the particular Texas pride everyone here would have had. Having lived in Houston in 2000, it was a big deal that the Republican candidate was from our state.

Jackie Vachs.  Head cheerleader.  Sexpot.  “A face that ruined a thousand Kleenex.”  After graduation she wants to be an actor.  Which really means she’s headed for a huge life disappointment, because that’s what that means.

Steven Foster.  Or, “President Foster” to you.

Dawn Barbuso’s boobs.

Here’s Dawn herself.  A punk.  It’s probably inappropriate for an adult documentary filmmaker to train the camera on an underage high school student’s boobs.  And stupid for that filmmaker to put the footage IN the documentary.

Caroline Chung.  Wallflower?  I didn’t know that term was still in use.  Today it would be “suicide threat.”

Kenneth Finley.  Nerd.  Most likely everyone has given him a derogatory nickname.  “Grund Sweat,” for instance.

Still not done.  Here is Brenda Serrano.  Overachiever.

And finally, Anders Holt.  He’s rich, but he realizes the secret to life is being happy about being rich.

Wait, there’s one more.  Fuck.

The Falcon.  I can see why they saved HIM for last!  Quirky!

He needs another picture.  Here he is defiantly casting his spray can aside:

They call him “the rock star.”  He’s probably drawn about 1,000 anarchy symbols on every available surface in that school.  Anders did the same thing with penises.

And that’s the gang.  Did you notice how none of the characters have Texan accents? Having lived in Texas, I can say for certain that Texans have Texan accents.

Then the filmmaker gets them all together and asks them each to sum up their futures in one word…

Anders: Prosperity

Brenda: Discovery

Jackie: Glamour

Rolly: Victory

Caroline: (no response, too shy)

Falcon: mp3’s!  What does that mean?  You’ll see! (already he displays a tendency to mug for the cameras, but in an irritating way)

Kenneth: Family

Steven: Success

This looks like a binge-drinking poster they show college freshmen.  “It’s all fun and games until someone ASPHYXIATES, like this boy did.”

The filmmaker then narrates some stuff about how optimistic everyone was back then, and how things have changed now, and then summarizes the following decade…9/11, Iraq, reality TV, (wink!  You’re so ironic, ABC), Katrina, the recession, and Barack Obama.

Now it’s time to see what everyone’s been up to for the first ten years.  First, Steven:

He might be successful, right?  Maybe he got rich like Mark Zuckerberg and he bought an island so he can surf on it.

Oh.

He fills us in…went to college, didn’t graduate, became a bartender.  He “reads a lot.”  They don’t say what.  I’m gonna imagine he reads Highlights magazine and nothing else.  One night at the bar, the cameras catch two amazingly hot ladies just walk up to him and give him a phone number, out of the blue.  Very nice.

The filmmaker asks him what he thinks about that one word he used to describe his future, “success.”  He feels like he is one.  Somehow he’s making his life of surfing, reading, tending bar, and laying hot women with literally no effort work for himself.  Got it.

She also asks him why he didn’t graduate, but he won’t say.  It’s Significant.

This filmmaker is pretty pushy.  Definitely a Michael Moore, not an Errol Morris.

No way I go in that water.  Dusk is when sharks are most active.  I’ll do my poignant staring across the horizon on the beach, thank you.

Next we check in with Brenda Serrano, the Brain.

Washington DC, power suit, walkin’ and talking’ on her way to help President Bartlet.

She’s a DC lawyer, working for a Massachusetts congressman who’s the head of the House Finance Committee.  Right now she’s helping write a bill to regulate the banks.

The filmmaker asks Brenda why she didn’t become a scientist like she thought she would Brenda says, “Well, the world…it just changed so dramatically after high school.”

Specifically, she was a science major at George Washington University, but then Bush v. Gore happened, and she became inspired to go into politics.  Funny, that’s the exact reason I went nowhere near politics.

The filmmaker lays all this out, not her, so we don’t really learn what about her was political before Bush v. Gore, or what the moment she changed her mind was like, or about anything she did during eight years of the Bush Administration. (I assume she’s a Democrat).  Hopefully they’ll go into this somewhere down the road.

She’s sitting in a restaurant waiting for someone, and surprise, it’s Falcon!

Surprise!  I’m a hipster now!

Falcon sits down and orders a margarita for himself, even though it’s lunchtime.  He seems surprised the cameras are there.  He’s in DC for some gig of his, as he’s now a DJ and producer.

Brenda seems distracted and ill-at-ease, like she feels obligated to be here.  She tries to be polite when she hears about Falcon’s gig, and pretends she watched his music video when he sent it around to everyone:

Does anyone know what the hell kind of music this guy does?  I was thinking it would be hip hop but…what is this, indie rock?  Is it anything?

But really she’s more into her Blackberry.  The scene ends with a bunch of expository conversation.  We learn Brenda isn’t dating or married, used to be into Anders, and that Anders is now married to…Jackie the cheerleading beauty queen.  Let’s jump over to her.

She and Anders are in their McMansion about to have a mid-afternoon rich people snack—prosciutto, cheese and crackers, expensive wine.   They took a class to learn how to taste that wine and what to pair it with.

I really do like the upper-middle class boredom taking the form of trying to make food more interesting.  Hilarious.

The filmmaker sits them down and because we have seven other characters to deal with, they get right to the Revealing Questions and Answers…Jackie feels trapped in the marriage, (she can’t remember the anniversary, he can), she’s still upset about Anders being in love with Brenda back in high school, and Jackie did try to go into acting.  Her high-water mark was being rejected on season two of The Bachelor. (He can’t remember the exact season, she can).

Really this could have been summed up with two tee-shirts.  Jackie’s would say: “Hey!  I’m an unfulfilled house wife!” and Anders’s would say, “Am I still in love with my high school sweetheart?  Probably!”

I think she’s literally going to become Lucille Bluth

No big deal, they have a lot to get through.  I do want to see why it is that they got married.  In this scene Anders says they barely knew each other in high school, so there’s something potentially interesting here.

Then the show cuts back to Steve.  He gets a phone call at the bar.  It’s Caroline Chung, the wallflower.

Turns out they slept together on prom night, which we learn because Steve can’t remember her and this is how she jogs his memory.  She’s calling because she has some important information to blurt out: they have a son.  Yeah, she should have told Steve earlier.  But the son wants to meet Steve, so, better late than never.

ACT BREAK

Sierra Mist has a commercial with some sentient rocks who fantasize about being able to perform fellatio and cunnilingus on each other.  So now companies are allowed to do basically anything to get you to remember their products.  Good to know!

ACT TWO

Now we check in with Kenneth.  He’s currently a Mr. Holland-style elementary school teacher in Austin.

I think the kids can tell he’s trying too hard, though

Which is because he’s overcompensating for not having kids of his own.  And he rides a bike with a dorky helmet, so they’re trying pretty clearly to say “loser.”

He also used to date Dawn in high school.  They’re living together now, so that’s good, except they’re just roommates.  This is because she’s married to and knocked up by Rolly, who is currently a soldier in Afghanistan.  Dawn recently lost her job, so he’s letting her room with him while Rolly is away.

God knows what’s happened on that duvet.  I wouldn’t be rolling around on it if I were you, Dawn.

The filmmaker asks Kenneth if he has any other marriage prospects, and we learn Caroline’s son, (who’s also Steve’s son), is in Kenneth’s class.

They cut to a parent-teacher conference with Kenneth and Caroline.  Her son Tom is apparently having some trouble in class, and Kenneth asks if Tom wanting to see his father might have something to do with it.  But really Kenneth is trying to suss out her marital status, because he has no idea who Tom’s father is or if he’s in the picture.

Caroline tells him that might be the reason.  These days Tom is upset because his dad is in town but hasn’t called.  She lets slip that Tom’s father “came back to town,” so Kenneth realizes it’s someone from Austin, and uncomfortably she admits it’s Steve.

Kenneth seems crushed.  Why?  Because he and Steve used to be BFF’s.  There are some cuts back to the original documentary that handily show how Steve would protect Kenneth from bullies, and they would eat lunch together and play horse and stuff.

He was class president AND friends with the nerds?  Give this character a medal for likeability!

Then it’s over to Steve as he’s arriving back in Austin and is staying with his mom.  The filmmaker asks him about his father, and apparently Steve refuses to talk about him.  There’s a Big Secret or something.   My prediction: molesting marching band director.

We learn Steve hasn’t called Caroline yet.  He says he’s excited about fatherhood but he’s obviously terrified.  In the middle of the interview he gets a call from Caroline and lies that his flight to Austin got cancelled and he’s not in town yet.

He steps outside to take the call, and on the street he runs into Jackie.  She assumes Steve is in town for Dawn’s upcoming baby shower, but he tells her he’s just generally visiting.  They start to catch up.  Jackie learns about Steve’s awesome Hawaii lifestyle and practically creams herself in excitement about it, being a bored housewife herself.  She also tells Steve she’s sorry about his dad, and he quickly changes the subject.  So Something Happened to his dad.

She brings him up to speed on her own life.  Steve’s surprised to learn she married Anders, and then she asks Steve if he’d like to have a drink.  He’s reluctant, but she steamrolls him into it.

She thinks she’s giving her phone number, but it might as well say “Trapped in marriage!  Send help!”

Then we cut over to Anders as he’s buffing down his car with a mink glove.

The only other person I’ve seen do this is the Connery James Bond

They remind us how Anders and Brenda were an item back in high school, even prom king and queen.  The filmmaker asks him why they didn’t stay together, and he gives a bland “people change” answer that’s clearly hiding his pain.  Then the filmmaker asks what his parents thought of Brenda, and he ends the interview.

Calm down, Anders.  Ugh

Then it’s over to Brenda in DC.  She’s working a late night when one of her coworkers comes into her office to ask if she wants to be set up on a date.  She’s adamant that she doesn’t.  By (non) coincidence, she’s looking at Anders and Jackie’s wedding photos on Facebook. But the camera catches her, she notices, looks shocked, and to overcompensate, changes her mind about the blind date.

ACT THREE

We come back to Steve now.  He’s at his Mom’s house.  Falcon stops by for a visit.  He’s still overly aware of the cameras and has a vaguely hostile attitude towards them.  He’s also clearly being set up to be a slang machine.  When Steve tells him he ran into Jackie, and might have a date with her, Falcon says:

“She’s like the Mount Everest of biddies, yo!  She should be a picture on a wall somewhere.”

“I found the word “biddie” on Urban Dictionary, yo!”

Then we rejoin Kenneth.  The filmmaker is asking him about a new plan he’s cooked up, which he’s very excited about.  Since he doesn’t have a family or children, the next best thing is…donating to a sperm bank.  Since he doesn’t have a family of his own, he’s going to help someone ELSE start a family.  As he says, “I’m really excited about all the women who will use my sperm!”

Man, where to begin with this one?  I’m pretty sure most people like Kenneth want families because of the “intimacy with others” angle, not the “passing along my genes to as many women as possible” angle.  I like that he’s so lost he’s become a white supremacist.

“Under ‘race’ can you put Indo-Aryan?”

And, the documentary crew helpfully follows him into the clinic to videotape his confidential medical evaluation.  This is how we learn he’s a virgin and his father died when he was 19, he’s uncomfortable talking about it, and it wasn’t due to an illness.

Seriously, why does he let this be filmed?  I would have LOVED a scene of the filmmaker arguing with him about that.  Oh well.

Last, the sperm bank nurse asks him if he wants any porn, and he declines, because he has an…um…“image” in his head.

Boom Dawn’s face!

Speaking of which, we haven’t heard from her yet.  Here she is, very pregnant and waiting to Skype with Rolly.  She can’t really explain to the filmmaker how she, the punk, ended up with Rolly, the jock, and in a moment of more ironic self-awareness, the writers have her say how much she dislikes “cliques” and “labels” like jock, or punk, because they’re totally useless unless you’re making a TV show and have a lot of information to cover.  Shorthand is handy that way.

Then Rolly logs on.

For a guy in a combat zone, he looks fantastic

They talk about missing each other, but Rolly quickly says he’s uncomfortable with her staying at Kenneth’s.  More information is revealed…Rolly is Anders’s best friend, and the only reason Dawn isn’t staying with Anders and Jackie is because she thinks Jackie is a stuck-up bitch.

Rolly lets the matter drop for now, because he’s got some serious blue balls.  Dawn asks the cameras to pan away so she can give him a look at her boobs.  But when the cameras do, they catch Kenneth coming through the door, and he sees everything.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

He runs from the room as Rolly and Dawn are amazed at how much the pregnancy has enlarged ‘em.

Then they jump over to Rolly’s storyline.  He’s riding along in a Humvee and looks at a sonogram Dawn sent him.  One of his soldiers, (who calls Rolly “sir,” even though he’s a non-com.  Oops), jokes about it looking like a boy, not a girl.

They fill in Rolly’s bio.  He and Anders were best friends their whole lives and had both plans to get married and be next-door neighbors.  Also, Anders’s parents were against him dating Brenda.

Their childhood was very cute, if you like cute things

Rolly got a full basketball scholarship to Stanford.  But then 9/11 happened and he left basketball for the military.

“One and Fun” doesn’t seem like a very appropriate headline about a guy leaving college basketball to go to war.  Oh, wait, they were referring to him going pro.  Never mind.

The doc-within-the-show wasn’t allowed to follow Rolly into Afghanistan because the “Army wouldn’t let them,” (riiiiiiiight.  Pussies).  But a Dutch news crew did get embedded in Rolly’s unit, so they can show footage or Rolly in battle.

Notice how carefully engineered this is so that they’re saying nothing about the war other than “We Support the Soldier with the Unborn Baby!” I’m guessing ABC won’t take a point of view beyond this.  I could be wrong.  We’ll see.

Next it’s over to Kenneth’s class.  He’s giving out a test when his phone rings.  It’s the sperm bank.  They have some news.  Kenneth steps out into the hallway, and he reveals that he’s infertile.

If you enjoy seeing newly born calves getting punched in the face, you will love this scene

ACT FOUR

Now they’re filling us in more on Anders and Brenda’s history together.  They used to be super-duper head-over-heels in love the way only high school students can be…

But now Brenda is on that blind date she got set up with.  His name is Mickey.  The guy playing Mickey you’ll remember from that other show set in Austin.

Glen, aka, the guy who tried to kiss Tami Taylor

Rather than get to know Brenda, or let her get to know him, via a normal conversation, Mickey decides to tell her everything about himself right off the bat.  Corporate lawyer.  Loves musicals.  Loves Catherine Zeta-Jones movies.  Drives a Prius.  Recycles.  Loves working out but isn’t a fanatic about it.  Likes to read, but magazines, not books, and sometimes newspapers.  And finally, has a small penis but knows how to use it.

Also, Mickey eats olives that were brought to the table and leaves the pits on his bread plate—the documentary camera helpfully zooms in on this.

Mickey then asks Brenda to give her own list.  And in response, she gets up from the table, grabs her coat, considers saying something to make a exit, decides not to, and leaves.

That was awesome.  Seriously, that’s the only way I wanted this scene to end, and they did it.

Next comes Dawn’s bridal shower.  Many of the classmates are in attendance.  Dawn and Jackie make small talk, barely concealing their dislike of each other.  Luckily Caroline arrives and Dawn can gravitate over to her.  They’re buds.

Caroline then spots Falcon and goes over to chat with him.  Upon seeing Caroline, Falcon actually says, “Awwwwww, snizzap.”  I’m pretty sure Snoop Dogg himself doesn’t even talk like that any more.

He also says she “looks all House of Diddy,” which Urban Dictionary describes as “a bad, (good looking) girl. House of Diddy refers to girls like cassie, signed under diddy’s label.”  Apparently it was part of a lyric in a Lil’ Wayne song.  I had to look that up because I’m not “hip” like Falcon is.

But Caroline really wants to know if Falcon has seen Steve lately, because she knows they’re friends.  He says he doesn’t want to get in between them about their “baby thing,” (oops), so she cuts to the chase—her son Tom thinks he’s seeing his dad this week, so Falcon had better tell Steve to shape up.

As Falcon is saying he hears her loud and clear, Dawn announces she wants to give a toast.  She thanks everyone for coming and says she’s very excited to have the kid.  She starts to say that if Rolly were able to be here he’d feel the same way, but the emotion keeps her from getting all the way through it.  Christine has to rush in and comfort her.

Next, Steve is sitting on a bench somewhere, on the phone with Falcon, who’s warning him to get in touch with Christine.  He knows he should, but he’s still waffling, tries to blame his reluctance on his issues with his dad.

But then who should pull up in her car but Christine, with Tom in the back seat.  She found him somehow?  She gets out and nearly confronts him for lying about being out of town, but seems to want to avoid causing a scene, so instead abruptly introduces Steve to Tom, through the car window.

Steve, being completely unprepared, totally eats it.  This was probably my favorite scene of the episode.  He completely half-asses trying to plan an outing with them, and the best he can come up with to say to Tom is, “Hey, maybe I can teach you how to be a ninja some time!” Then he does a karate chop, and then asks Christine if that was racist.  She’s speechless, so she gets back in the car and drives off.

Proving that any generation can be pretty bad at parenting

ACT FIVE

Back in DC Brenda’s coworker who set her up with Mickey drops by for the post mortem.  All she can say is, watching Mickey eat is not pretty, and the coworker says, “Yeah, you should see him with a hot dog.” (What the hell does that even mean?)

Her phone rings.  She picks up and answers in Spanish.  Her Dad is on the other end.  Her Mom had a stroke, so she has to go back to Austin.  She hangs up and heads out immediately.

Kenneth, meanwhile, is sitting in front of a headstone in a cemetery somewhere, looking like the saddest man in the world because of his infertility.

The headstone belongs to a guy named “Michael Finley,” probably his Dad.  After a while he gets up and heads to a bar to drink away the day.

Then Steve comes through the door, also to get hammered.  Kenneth recognizes him.  He does not look pleased to see him.

Steve soon spots Kenneth, looking surprised.  He starts to say hello, but Kenneth appears enraged.  He gets up, yells, “It’s all your fault!” and knocks Steve off his barstool.  On Steve’s stunned look, Kenneth storms out.

Here we get more of Steve’s backstory.  After college he went to an Ivy League college and was doing really well during his freshman year.  But…Steve’s father worked for Enron!  Was a top executive, even!  He got arrested to fraud and sent to jail for six years!  And Steve had to drop out of college!

And Kenneth’s father lost all his savings because of Enron and killed himself.  So Kenny and Steve aren’t exactly on speaking terms.

Enron affected a lot of people.  Even me.  Because I lived in Houston I’m an Astros fan. Our stadium USED to be called “Enron Field,” but now it has to be called “Minute Maid Field.”

Fucking Enron.

After their barroom scuffle, Steve heads over to a different bar where he’s supposed to meet Jackie.  He sits nursing a beer, looking glum, but when Jackie taps him on the shoulder he seems to cheer up.  They head away for a drink in private, but before they do, Jackie turns to the documentary crew and tells them to fuck off.

Kenneth, meanwhile, returns to his house.  He’s plastered.  Dawn’s already there.  They are setting it up like Kenneth is about to make a huuuuuuge mistake.

She teases him about missing the baby shower, and he tells her he got her a gift.  He pulls a gift bag out from behind the couch.  It’s a Baby Bjorn baby carrier.

Dawn is delighted and urges him to put it on.  She gets it on him, stuffs it with a teddy bear, and asks him how he feels, oblivious to how miserable he looks.  He tries to say he feels great, but has to take it off.

Then she says he should get used to it, because he’s part of the family now.  Uncle Kenneth.

Did you enjoy the crucifixion sequence in Passion of the Christ?  You will love this scene

Time to start wrapping the episode up.  Jackie and Steve are enjoying their drinks, and she tells him how lucky he is not to have anything tying him down anywhere.  But that makes him feel guilty, so he goes outside and calls Christine.  He leaves her a voicemail saying he really does want to give fatherhood a shot.

Then shots of everyone.  Christine reading to Tom.  Kenneth watching TV as Dawn sleeps on his lap.  Rolly sitting on a Humvee, staring off thoughtfully.  Brenda arriving at the airport.  Anders re-watching being crowned prom king, with Brenda as his queen.  Jackie and Steve on the dance floor at the club, with her rubbin’ on him.  And Falcon, DJing like ten feet away from that.

One way I evaluate a show is, what’s unique about it?  Take Rescue Me, another show I recapped on this site.  Even though, yeah, RM had a ton of flaws, are you going to find another show with that tone, that sense of humor, that specifically Catholic worldview, or those kinds of stories?  No way.  Love it or hate it, it was specific.

It definitely SEEMED like My Generation was going for broke in the differentiation department, that they’d be dealing with problems unique to, or at least inspired by, what’s happened over the last ten years.  But really it’s a nine-person character drama masquerading as a sweeping, zeitgeist-y social issues drama.  I’m just wondering, why bother with making it specific to 2000-2010?

Maybe character drama is the direction they’re going in, and they’ll gradually stop paying lip service to huge world events.  Too early to tell.  Like I said, I’m hesitant to make a judgment after only the pilot episode.

But seriously, they should either start doing Southern accents or change the location to Anytown, USA.  Jesus.

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- That was fast. A judge has overturned Judge Fox’s no bail-proceed directly to jail. Looks like Lilo will be on the streets tonight. Party anyone? (via TMZ)

- Kenny Powers is back on Sunday at 10pm and, as many of you know, he is sporting corn rows. Leave it to clutch.mtv to put together a retrospective of KP and  6 other white men who though this was the look for them.

-  Kanye West is back as Kenny West on The Cleveland Show. Below is a sneak peek. Will you be tuning in?

- Now it is time for some Friday Fun. May I present Sesame Street: True Mud.

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As you may or may not know, they’ve pulled the Katy Perry music video with Elmo from broadcasting on PBS because it was too boobalicious. So in light of this big news, Sesame Street‘s executive producer, Carol-Lynn Parente went on Good Morning America to talk about the Katy Perry boob-gate scandal.

Accompanying Carol-Lynn was Elmo and Grover, and they both defended Katy Perry’s honor. Elmo said “Elmo loves Miss Katy…We had a good time. So we’ll have another play date.” Then, Grover chimed in and said, “How do you like my new outfit, huh? It is not too revealing, is it?”

I kind of love that Sesame Street responded the way they did. They made fun of themselves, didn’t make a big deal out of it, and now, it’s all good.

Here’s the GMA interview from earlier this morning:

Here is the big video that’s causing so much controversy:

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MTV is going back to what works. They’re bringing Lauren Conrad back! They’re going to be following Lauren as she launches her latest line of clothing, and document her other business ventures. So, basically they’ve taken Whitney Port’s working girl model, and added some personality. Sorry Whit! Hail queen Lauren, she’s back to inspire, follow reality outlines, and create fake drama with her employees. Can’t wait to see Miss Conrad back on television. How long before Spencer sends out a press release bashing Lauren’s new show?

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While the other twits are getting off the plane to come back to the house, Kayleigh is at the house telling her friend what happened in Jamaica.

First of all I do not need to see your hideous hammer toes, so please roll them up and stuff them somewhere. Like your ass.

In the limo the girls are celebrating Kayleighs departure and Kristin tells us that if she was any kind of Bad Girl she would have bleached all her stuff and messed it up.

Kayleigh is waiting for them to come home. Kristin is the first to run up the stairs and the whole time is saying “If that ho touched anything in this house…DONE!” Ya know what I’m done with? The fucking word DONE!

Esther yells that the backyard is clear as everyone spreads out to make sure she’s gone. She’s in the kitchen washing dishes and when Kristin RUNS in and sees her, she stops dead and turns around, screaming like a 3 year old and runs her ass back out. So much for DONE!

Dingbat.

Kayleigh just keeps washing dishes as Dani walks by and Dani says nothing. Upstairs everyone is freaking about why the hell she’s back. Lea tells us that they kicked Kayleigh out, “what is she doing in our house?” Here’s a thought….ASK HER!

Erica of course actually speaks to her. Sort of and Erica tells us that the others will concoct some plan to get her out again. Either way, as usual, Erica doesn’t care.

Kayleigh tells Erica that those girls run this house. Erica declares they do not run her. Kayleigh says she let them run her off once but she decided she’s not letting them push her out. She tells us she’s stronger than them, smarter than them and doggone it she’s staying!

Meanwhile Adrian, Erica’s hookup from Jamaica lives in Miami and has called her. She gushes about having to leave because she was so sad. Yes I often miss people I have known for 5 seconds. Dipshit.

Meanwhile Kayleigh goes and crawls into bed to hide.

Lea and Kristin come into the room and don’t seem to notice the rather large lump in the bed and Kristin whines about missing Cat. Lea is pissed because they celebrated Kayleighs leaving for nothing. Then she realizes Kayleigh is the lump.

A bit later we hear Lea screaming “Gross!!!!!” She explains to us that she was taking a piss and she looks down and sees Kayleighs nasty underoos on the floor. She tells us she has never met a dirtier broad in her life. Then she carries said undies outside and throws them over the balcony.

Next up is Esther who has found a tampon box with no tampons, just the used applicators. Used by Kayleigh.

Yep she dumps them on Kayleigh’s bed.

Kayleigh tells us these girls can scream all they want but she isn’t leaving. Meanwhile downstairs the witches have gathered for the ritual sacrifice of the dirty panties. They each spit on said panties, who Kristin is holding with a stick and then throw them in the water.

Poor lil fishies.

Back inside the girls begin to chant “Kayleigh is a dirty bitch.”

The next morning however when Kayleigh wakes up to the nasty applicators and is grossed out, she goes downstairs to talk to Dani. Dani wants her to know she had no part in whatever that whole situation was. Erica is there too. Kayleigh tells them she is a talker she likes to talk things out. Then go on Oprah.

Why is Sarah Palin in the BGC house?

Erica tells us that Kayleigh hooked up with the wrong bitches from the start and if she had hooked up with she and Dani none of that would have happened.  Neither of them want anything to do with the whole mess so now Kayleigh has concluded she is all alone.

Kayleigh goes upstairs to “talk” to the other girls and the shouting starts immediately. The word respect is thrown around. So is the word DONE! Lea, Kristin and Esther are going get manicures and Lea hopes that when they return Kayleigh will be gone, wait, DONE!

The twit are talking while getting the talons done and Kristin says she wants new roommates who are really fun and NOT POOR.

Poor people are, like, so annoying!

After all Kayleighs big talk about being stronger and smarter she decides to wreck the house and pack her shit and leave.Her last words to us are that the bitches better watch out because they never know what’s coming. Yes they do. Nothing. You whine and then leave. Toodles!

When the others return home they find their room a mess and at first start to freak but quickly decide that all she did was throw clothes on the floor and unmake a bed. Lame. Kristin tells us that Kayleigh couldn’t even do that shit in front of her she had to wait until she was out of the house. Yeah I don’t recall Kayleigh being right there when you trashed and broke her shit either.

Yes I am looking at you.

Oh sweet Jesus no. Guess who has come up with a  totally original never before done idea?

Not these two.

Dani looks like a catfish and Erica looks like Wynonna Judd fucked a piranha . And somewhere there are two Amber’s screaming. This entire crapfest is about rain, Ugg boots and Dani having a sex dream about Lea.  After a montage of naked/half naked Lea pics, Dani announces she would fuck Lea. Erica says she would not put a strap on on and fuck her and Dani proclaims that she wouldn’t do that but she would totally eat her out. Erica says she would not eat a girls vagina and Dani says she has. Screams all around and Erica looks like she’s gonna puke. So do I. Dani goes outside and tells Lea about her dream. Which also consisted of the fact that while they were having sex they were watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

There is a resemblance.

Later Lea and Kristin bond out on the dock. Lea thinks guys are sketchy and Kristin says that when ever a guy comes up to her and says “Oh you are so beautiful” its a total turn off. Yeah I hate that. It is such a burden being beautiful.

Inside Lea and Kristin leap frog each other down the hallway as Erica’s boyfriend Adrian shows up. She’s happy happy because as she tells us she’s gonna get laid! Yay!

Lea immediately starts grilling Adrian. He’s 30 and looks very young. She wants to know if he’s ever impregnated anyone. Nope. But the night is young. Has he ever been married? Nope? Does he like women who like women? YEP!

Man did you come to the right house!

These two go out to dinner and Erica comes across as desperate and he comes across as arrogant. He tells her it takes a lot to keep his attention. Oh so you’re a spaz. Ok. Anyway they are boring me and once again Erica believes that he is real, honest and that this could really go somewhere.

Meanwhile Lea,Kristin and Esther are hitting the town and Kristin says they are leaving the ugly bitches behind. You better stop that limo and chuck Esther out.

Suddenly Kristin spills a drink and it goes on Esther. She apologizes immediately but Esther says she will stay in the limo. She’s wearing all black and Lea tells her she is inconsiderate and selfish and to stop it.

Is she melting?

Instead of the huge hissy I was expecting, Esther’s meds kick in and she announces she will indeed go inside!

There is a band inside and suddenly we see this.

Why do you need some deodorant applied?

He’s talking to Lea and up on the stage she goes. Meanwhile Esther’s meds have worn off and she is pissed because Lea is ignoring her so she stomps off to pout.

Pout, poot? Who can tell?

Kristin and Lea are tired of Esther’s craziness and Lea tells Esther she wants to hook up with one of the guys from the band. Esther whines that she wants to go home because she’s drunk and tired.  Lea says fine but she’s not pleased, at all.

Back at the house Erica and Adrian return and head straight for the bedroom.

Hump, hump, hump. Ooh lala, splash DONE!

Later Lea passes Esther in the hallway and Lea notices a look and asks Esther what’s up. Esther tells her not to talk to her that way. They start arguing and Esther gets up in her face. Then they are slapping at each others arms and yelling don’t touch me. Lea tells her she always has her back. Esther threatens to tell all her business and Lea tells her to go ahead. Esther then tells us that she better watch it because she is not afraid of throwing low blows. No shit.

Lea stomps down the stairs and says she’s over this shit. She decides to sleep in Kristin’s room to get away from Crazy Esther.

The next morning Esther is sitting on her bed all alone and sad. Wait, I need a tissue. Ok. She goes and calls her friend and says that Lea has turned into a little Kristin and she doesn’t respect that. She tells her friend that she is moving,changing her number and she’s gonna be incog-negro.

Ok now that was funny.

In the kitchen after Erica has said goodbye to Adrian, she is asked on a scale of 1-10 how was it. She says an 8 1/2. She says she felt like a virgin. And then she demonstrates. She says it was like trying to fit “this into that.”

Well then maybe he should have used his dick instead.

Later Dani calls her friend, one of the Men of Steel and asks him to come over. She tells him she can’t drink tequila because every time she does she ends up breaking someones nose.

Lea meanwhile is going to pick up her friend Irene. She tells us she has kissed and fooled around with her but nothing serious. Irene announces she is having her period. I reallllly don’t like where this is going. She also believes that her period will stop in the water. Why don’t we test this and you swim out really far in the ocean.

Don’t worry Lea’s a vampire.

Inside the house intro’s all around. They have the same friendship bracelet. Awwwwwww. Things get dirty really quick when Lea takes a bottle and pretends to boink Dani while Esther watches.

Just good clean wholesome fun.

Adrian and Stefan show up. Drinks start flowing.  Then we see these three dogging on Dani and Erica. Irene has no comment about Erica but thinks Dani looks like Pocahontas and she doesn’t like her.

Cackle cackle cackle!

More drinks and suddenly there is nudity. Esther is jumping for joy at the site of boobies! She follows Lea and Irene and their boobies outside to the hot tub.

I just wish they could learn not to be so shy.

Outside Dani and Erica come and Lea yells for them to show their boobies.

Y’all know what Esther is thinking. BOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIES!!!!

Suddenly shit gets real and Kristin tells Lea she has never thought that she was hotter than Lea. Lea tells us that she won Best Looking in High School but she never felt pretty. She was always skinny with small tits and brown hair. She also has scars everywhere from a car accident and she’s really self conscious about them. She still has glass in her arms.

Kristin moves in for a hug and tells her she is an amazing person and she loves her.

Boobie bonding!

There’s more drinking, some smooching and then things take a turn for the seriously nasty.

And all the while this one is watching.

That’s not creepy………

Irene and Lea decide to take this upstairs and Esther invites herself along to watch. She asks that they leave the lights on.

Upstairs to the shower Lea and Irene go. Esther pops some popcorn and then pulls a chair up to the shower. Seriously.

I think this is one recap I’m gonna have to have Meemaw skip.

Dani comes up and sees whats going on and runs downstairs to tell everyone that Lea and Irene are in the shower with Lea’s dildo.  Then we see Adrian.

Dear Lord, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

So Kristin joins Esther in watching and Dani gets naked and jumps in the shower with the girls. Lea tells us that her Mom made her make one promise. That she wouldn’t kiss a girl. Oops.

They are going to have to set that shower on fire after all that mess.

Esther decides the shower they are in is too small so they switch to another one and she drags her chair in there too and continues to watch. Has anyone ever bleached their eyeballs before?

As Erica is on her knees peeking in, Esther decides she is pissed that Lea would screw Dani. She gets up and leaves. Meanwhile moans and groans are being heard all over.

Kristin  decides she has seen enough and goes to bed. Esther is still bitching to us about Lea screwing Dani and how she doesn’t respect her and blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Suddenly the doorbell rings and it’s Dani’s boyfriend Stefan. I thought he was already there. Anyway, Dani is currently upstairs in the shower sharing a dildo with 2 other girls, one of whom is on her period.

 

Then we see these two drunk bitches talking about how they had sex with each other and other people and they both decide Dani is a slut. Uhhh and that makes the two of you what?

Sluts.

Guess what I’ve been doing?

And she actually tells him. He doesn’t even react other than to say “What you couldn’t wait for me?” Esther comes hopping in acting like it’s the best show she’s ever seen. She tells us she’s acting like it’s cool, but it’s “Whack whack whack whack whack!” You should know.

Outside in the hot tub the party continues with Erica and Adrian, and Dani and Stefan. Erica treats us to this lovely shot.

Insert fart noises here.

Upstairs Lea is throwing up and Esther keeps pushing water at her so she can keep throwing up. Lea makes her go away. Adrian and Erica go to bed and Dani sends Stefan home with big blue balls.

Meanwhile Esther is on the phone bitching about how everyone is having sex in the house right now. haha not everyone. Suddenly I hear what I think is a headboard banging against a wall and Esther says “damn, they still going at it. My pussy’d be swollen like a watermelon by now.”

Lea wakes up the next morning with her knees all bruised. I am so sure its not the first time. Today the girls have decided to go bowling. But before that Kristin comes in and tells Lea “This is Kristin watching Lea have sex, while eating.”

I would so puke.

Off to the bowling alley they go.

Gutter ball!

Everyone is happy and having fun except for you know who. Esther takes Lea aside to whine to her about how she refuses to have sex with her but she will have sex with Dani. She keeps this shit up for a while and then tells us that she would not screw Dani with a homeless man’s penis. Good one.

I will NOT BE IGNORED!

On and on she blithers about her fucking the whore of the house and then she tells her that she is very competitive and doesn’t take rejection well. DUH. She feels that Lea has rejected her over and over again. Ya know why dingbat, because she doesn’t want to boink your nasty ass! GET OVER IT!

Next she moves on to “So you don’t find me attractive?” She says it’s not that she just doesn’t see her that way and just because she isn’t attracted to her…too late Esther cuts off and says “That’s fine. The world finds me attractive.” WHAT WORLD? Sea World maybe.

Finally this tortuous shit ends. Esther keeps saying she is done “Belee dat!” I don’t “belee dat.”

Back at home Esther is eating and Lea and Kristin are coming up with some lame ass dance. Esther does not like this. But she tells us that if they want to hang out then fine.

Looks more like rock, paper, scissors.

Lea and Kristin head outside and climb on top of one of the cars to discuss Esther the Molester. Lea tells her what all Esther said to her. Lea also said she never was going to sleep with her.

Please tell me that teddy bear doesn’t have a dildo shoved in it.

Once again Adrian and Erica opt to stay home and bump uglies but Dani, Esther, Kristin and Lea are all going out. At the club once again Esther starts in about how she feels Lea is slowly turning on her. No bitch, she has TURNED. She goes over to their table and says she wants to be a part of their dance thing they have going on. Kristin says no that’s their special dance and she needs to have her own special dance with Lea. Esther immediately starts to pout.

Outside the club, once AGAIN, Esther the Stalker tells Lea they need to talk when they get home. OMG, seriously? Can anyone be this freakin dense?

Esther tells her that they need to talk without Kristin because they were the original BFF’s and she doesn’t know who her BFF is now. Lea replies, “What are we in kindergarten?” Esther tells her she obviously has a closer bond with Kristin. Then get a clue you retard!

Back at the house, Lea and Esther talk. WHY?

I would have a restraining order by now.

Esther starts off all sweet and says she just wanted to have fun tonight. Lea tells her she blows things out of proportion. Esther quickly goes into psycho mode and starts yapping about how it affects her. She pulls her pouty face and Lea says “Here we go. You are like 12 years old bro.” And that evil grin comes across Esther’s face and she says……..

Here comes the low blow.

Lea starts losing her shit and screaming she was sick of her and all the while she is grabbing her clothes and throwing them over the staircase. She is moving into Kristin’s room. Lea tells her that she is sick of the drama. Sick of her putting her personal info on blast. I believe you announced that shit yourself. While Kristin looks on Esther keeps yelling that Lea is trying to make her look like she’s being irrational. And?

Dani is trying to help grab some of the stuff as it comes down the stairs and almost gets hit several times. Now Lea,Kristin and Dani go upstairs and get the rest of Lea’s stuff. Meanwhile these two are still going at it.

Holy crap take a break!

Kristin tells us that Lea and Esther’s relationship is falling apart and she couldn’t be happier because now she pretty much has Lea all to herself. She also says that they look way better together.

Esther gives one more shot at Lea and tells her to go break up more happy homes.

Then Esther says that she’s coming for Lea. She’s coming for her. Then she mumbles some crazy shit.

Inglewood. Whutado. What’s good. Fuck you.

Right back at ya whackadoo.

That’s it for this week. As usual I must go decontaminate myself now.

Love and Smooches,

Cherie

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lindsay Lohan, her holy highness (no pun intended), is back in the slamma until October 22nd! She’s placed in administrative segregation, which means she’ll be housed in a separate section due to her celebrity status…but ol’ Linds is locked up!

She’s such a mess! For a quick second, I actually thought she’d pull through, but noooo! She coked it up, and failed her drug tests. What the HELL is wrong with her? Does she really think she’s that invincible? Apparently. They should keep her locked up for a while, and the people at UCLA should be reprimanded for letting her out early.

She better get used to her new favorite color, orange. At least it matches her natural hair color…couldn’t be more fitting.

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Hey everyone!  First I’d like to say thanks for reading and commenting on my recaps.  Feedback’s always appreciated.

Now then.  This week’s episode leaves last week’s Casa Vega failure in the rearview mirror.  It is not discussed and is probably being repressed.  Instead, this week Jeff is reevaluating the business.   He’s got some irrational changes to make, so things are going to be a lot less carefree at Jeff Lewis Designs.  Bravo doesn’t say this is directly in response to Casa Vega, but I’m pretty sure it is.

PART ONE

VALLEY OAK

We start off with a Monday morning meeting.  Jeff already seems on edge, and he hasn’t even had his daily shot of fruit juice yet.

Jeff calls Jett into the office.  The other employees, like Sarah and Trace, all bring money into Jeff Lewis Designs.  Jett doesn’t.  Jeff says this in an accusatory way, as though he hired him to do something other than be a goddamn house assistant.

So Jett is going to have to start contributing to the business on top of his normal assistant duties.  That means helping out at Jeff’s income properties, keeping them tidy and maintained.

Jett takes it pretty well.  He seems surprised, but not upset.  He interprets this as “getting more responsibilities” instead of “getting screwed.”

Then Jeff calls in Zoila.  Turns out she’s in the same category of “unjustifiable expenses” as Jett, but since there isn’t any business-related work available to her, Jeff just wants her to be more productive.

Unlike Jett, Zoila has a working knowledge of economics.  She immediately picks up on the fact that this is more work, unfair, and asks for more pay.

Jeff says no.  Her “pay” is that she gets to keep her job.

One day I hope to own a small business, because then I can just change my employees’ job descriptions on a whim and threaten to fire them if they resist.

It’s an American dream of mine.

Here, in talking-head Zoila lays out all the work she does for Jeff: six days a week at his house, literally waiting on him hand and foot.  Every other Sunday she’s at his Grandma’s house to clean.  So she gets two days off a month.

She does not say, but I will remind you, that she is almost seventy.

Jeff tells Zoila that HE has to “work twice as hard” for his money, so why shouldn’t everyone else?  And that’s that.

You know, I like how Jeff can come in on a Monday morning and do things like this.  It seems like exactly the kind of decision that would be made in an organization where only one person holds all the power.

In other words, this is why we have democracy.

I love how Jeff chose to have these meetings in front of Trace, Sarah and Jenni.  Dick.

NEW YORK DR.

Jeff, Sarah, and Trace head over to this project so they can help the lesbians pick out paint colors for the interiors.

But what’s really fun over here is, apparently that painter from last week—Jesse, the one who tracked mud all over Citrus—is a bit of a flirt, and has set his sights on Sarah.  Jesse used to go after Jenni, Jeff says, but she’s probably too old for him now.

“I generally don’t make inappropriate comments if there are eight or more people with me, so since there’s seven of us, you have an amazing rack!”

For her part, Sarah is really creeped out over all this.  But Jeff sees an opportunity.  She’s a natural flirt, and she uses that to leverage people when haggling over prices.

To illustrate this, Bravo shows Flipping Out’s 1.3 million viewers the goods.

He even bets Sarah would bring in more savings if she started sleeping with people.  He can’t ASK her to, since that’s illegal.  He’s just putting it out there.

VARIOUS LOCATIONS

Here we get a series of quick cuts between the various errands Sarah, Jett, and Trace are doing.

Trace apparently has taken on a lot of actual responsibility now, since he’s selecting all sorts of paint, flooring, tile, and so on, all by himself.  He doesn’t fail to point out how this means Jeff trusts him more.

In other words, “My day involves making design choices that will be in people’s homes for years.  Sarah’s job is to drive around to places and pick up things we’ve already ordered.  I guess we’re equal.  But I’m more equal.”

COLE SALON

This week’s problem over at Cole is, the owner, Chaz, has several murals painted onto his walls.  He wants to save them because of sentimental value, but Jeff hates them because they do not fit with his overall design scheme.  They must be eliminated.

“So I want you to send Chaz an e-mail, and have it say, ‘Woe and death to all who oppose my will.’”

Jeff has already wheelded Chaz into letting him demolish four of the six total murals, so Jeff thinks it’s only a matter of time before Chaz is totally defeated.

VALLEY OAK

After Monday’s edict or whatever you want to call it, Jeff is already finding problems with Zoila’s handiwork.  What do you know, under the stairs he finds a dust bunny:

The only reason anyone would have to go under here would be to justify yelling at his housekeeper

We get various reaction interviews about this.  I don’t think I can improve on them, so here they are more or less verbatim:

JEFF: I told Zoila to step it up.  She took that to mean: pass work off on Jett, take more naps, and…NOT STEP UP.  Maybe there was some miscommunication?

ZOILA: Uh…it’s literally impossible to remove every molecule of dust from an entire house.  Bite my balls.

JETT: Jeff’s relationship with Zoila means some people call him “Norman Bates,” because Norman Bates lived with his mother.  Or they call Jeff that because he’s fucking nuts.

JENNI: Um, Zoila has arthritis.  And is seventy.  And Jeff makes her go up and down the stairs 75 times a day.

It was when I heard the last one that I stopped finding this funny.  How about you?

PART TWO

VARIOUS LOCATIONS

More running around, inspecting, noticing contractor mistakes.  One of the stops is at Casa Vega.  Things seem calmed down after last week’s Cinco de Mayo failure.  But otherwise it’s just another low-key, aggravating Jeff Lewis kind of day.

COLE

Since the last scene here, the demo crew has ripped out all of the floor.  Now they’re going to put in the electrical wiring, the plumbing, and the HVAC so they can drywall.

It looks like this.  Neat!

In the meantime, Jeff has apparently convinced Chaz to remove another mural, leaving them with one.  But it’s the most sentimental mural of all, so Jeff knows there’s a challenge ahead.

Jenni points out to us how Jeff is unable to form emotional attachments to things.  They drove past a cemetery recently, and Jeff remarked how it was built on an awesome piece of land.

It was the emotional attachments thing that made this storyline almost stop being funny.  But I stuck with it, and I think if you’ll benefit greatly if you do, too.

VALLEY OAK

Jeff’s now resorted to passive-aggression to motivate Zoila.  Right in front of her, he has Jett wipe some surfaces she “missed.”

Surfaces like this one, which everyone (with OCD) knows is a prime location for dust

It’s been pretty clear that this whole time the real problem has been Jeff, not Zoila.  But now Jeff’s tormenting her is starting to bother the other employees.  Jenni knows Jeff is just looking for shit to complain about so he can pass his work stress onto someone else.

Jeff decides Zoila needs a daily to-do list so she can keep track of her chores, and he asks Jenni to draft it up.  As Zoila rattles off all the tasks Jeff makes her do every single day, Jenni gets increasingly shocked at how much it is.  Zoila agrees.  “I told you he’s insane.”

And in response to that, Jeff starts throwing in what he perceives to be Zoila’s bad habits—frequent naps, lying about going to the doctor, lying about going to church, etc.  He apparently thinks this is the funniest thing ever, but Jenni and Zoila do not.

(Except one thing he says is legitimately funny—Jenni suggests they get an extendable dusting brush for Zoila, and Jeff asks, what’s the point, it’ll just sit around collecting dust).

NEW YORK DR.

Back to Jesse the painter.  Jenni is supervising his progress and points out to us the pros and cons of hiring Jesse…

Pros—affordable

Cons—terrible painter, doesn’t blue tape, only does one coat, makes a mess, causes more work for everyone.  Plus the flirtatiousness, which is more of an annoyance than a work inconvenience, but it counts.

Jeff joins them and starts egging on Jesse’s flirtatiousness by telling him he’ll say hi to Sarah for them, then prompting Jesse to comment on how exactly Sara is attractive.

And of course it veers well outside the bounds of propriety when Jesse eventually says, “Yeah, and she has great…[Jeff supplies the word ‘knockers’]”

VALLEY OAK

We’re back to the homestead for another scene of Zoila-bashing.  She’s commited another tiny infraction—she gathered one tiny bag of trash, but the garbage can was already at the curb, so she put the bag next to the recycling rather than walk it all the way down the hill.

So he grabs it himself and carries it down, berating her all the time for not working fast enough.  She gives it right back, just calling him rude and crazy over and over again, until finally Jeff tells her she’s so slow he could do her job in a quarter of the time she does.

“And I speak better English than you, ZOILA”!

PART THREE

COLE SALON

Jeff, Chaz, and Hamid , a contractor, are going over where to install the HVAC ducts around the salon, spray-painting “X’s” wherever the ducts will go.  They come to the room with the one remaining mural, so Chaz tells Hamid to put the duct in the floor, not the wall, in order to avoid the mural.  And what do you know…

Noooooooo!

Jeff is cracking up, but Chaz is understandably horrified.  They will see if they can try to get the “X” off, but it doesn’t look good.  Jeff claims to us that he had nothing to do the spray paint, but I don’t believe him.

And then we come to my favorite part of the episode, when Jeff explains why he doesn’t feel that bad about this.  Jeff has a “vision” for the Cole salon, and this mural was the only thing standing in his way.  And because this was an “accident,” clearly some higher power, and maybe God Himself, has the same vision Jeff does.

Let’s see…a complete disregard for others, plus a delusion that God has chosen you as his representative…I’m glad Jeff only works in the home remodeling business

VALLEY OAK

Jeff, Jett, Sarah, but not Zoila are all sitting down to lunch—Zoila is too busy mopping to eat.  Jeff notices Zoila hasn’t prepared his lunch for him, so now she has to drop what she’s doing to mix everything up and throw it in the microwave for him and probably also spit in it.

With Zoila out of the room, Sarah prods Jeff to apologize for being such a colossal cock to her lately.  He can’t see what Sarah means, exactly, but eventually he gives in.

He finds Zoila in the bathroom wiping down the mirror.  He starts to feel the situation out, asking her if she’s all right, and she gives some noncommittal answers, which he manages to pick up on.

But in a talking-head, he chalks Zoila’s “down” mood to being tired from too much work…not from being continuously harassed and insulted.

He’s decided to give her some time off.  Even if it’s not the best time for him to go without her right now.

(I do read this scene as Jeff being massively insensitve, but I’ll also allow for the possibility that, for Jeff, apologies take several stages.  This is Stage One, assessing the damage and thinking up causes other than himself).

COLE

Jeff and Jenni are paying Chaz a visit.  The HVAC guys have taken the “X” off the mural, but the boy’s leg came off with it:

Here Chaz explains exactly why he wants to keep this mural.  His brother died while he was building Cole, and his mother died shortly after, plus Spirit the squatter passed away here.  The mural is a memorial.

THAT softens Jeff’s heart and makes him realize what a jerk he’s been.  He quickly comes up with a compromise.  They’ll build a frame around the mural so it looks like a separate picture, and then paint the rest of the wall whatever color they want.

In thanks, Chaz touches up Jenni and Jeff’s hair.  Jeff and Jenni bid Chaz goodbye, and in an effervescent cloud of magical hair spray, they were gone.

Notice how Jeff could have avoided four months of mural-related aggravation if he’d only been less stubborn and compromised earlier?  Awesome.

VALLEY OAK

Jeff is also beginning to realize he’s been wrong in his treatment of Zoila—but I’m still making the distinction here that he only admits Zoila is overworked, not that he’s been an ass.   He offers a solution.  Zoila won’t have to take care of his grandma on Sundays any more.  Which, actually, sounds good.  Everyone needs at least one day off a week.

But Zoila starts to cry.  Jeff can’t understand what’s up.  Zoila’s reluctant to talk about it, but finally she admits taking care of his grandma wasn’t the problem.  In fact, Zoila could tell her biweekly visits had a great impact on grandma’s life.  Discontinuing them would make Zoila feel terrible.

Later in an interview Jeff still doesn’t totally get the point.  He thinks the crying is a reaction to being exhausted and emotionally unstable, not because of the grandma.   But he does see she needs more time off.

Baby steps, I guess.

PART FOUR

Here’s a nice little uplifting one-off this week…to cheer Zoila up, Jenni has composed a song about her, to tell her she loves her.  Here are the words:

Say Z, say O, say ILA

Viva, Zoila, here the workers say,

Speak Zoila, speak Zoila,

Say amo mi amor

You quiero Swiffer, no no

You quiero Jeffrey, no no

We know the one who’s got all the power

The one who’s cleaning Jeff’s shower

PART FIVE

VALLEY OAK

We’re back for another morning meeting.  Jeff seems oddly chipper today.  Everyone else is a little uneasy, because of that.  He’s even being nice to Zoila again.  He lets her pick the lunch place, AND compliments her housekeeping.

Guess who upped his dosage!

NEW YORK DRIVE

Jeff and Sarah are here today to unveil the interior painting to the lesbians.  They all go inside, and Nancy and Emily love it.

Jeff talks a little about a specific color palette he uses on a lot of jobs, because clients respond to it.  Here’s the before and after:

“We have a fireplace!  Like actual grownups!” Nancy says

Looks like that’s it for the New York Drive storyline.   It’s an example of how things can go well at Jeff Lewis Designs.  He’s happy and creative, and the clients get to enjoy an awesome house with all sorts of accouterments.

VALLEY OAK

Back at home, Jeff asks Zoila if she’s ready for the “field trip.”  Zoila has no idea where this is going.

They get in the car, and Jeff keeps indicating he’s taking her to the airport, but he’s obviously kidding around.  And it means their bantering is back.

Then they arrive at the destination…

THE SURPRISE

And what do you know,

Jeff got her a MOTHERFUCKING CAR!!!!

Zoila has apparently been waiting four years for a new car…not sure what that means.  Is her old car unusable, or does she just need an upgrade?  Did Jeff promise her a car four years ago, or is this out of the blue?

In talking-head Jeff claims he got it for her with strings attached, to motivate her to work harder, but really it’s an amazing fucking gesture I still can’t get over.  A car!

Of course, another way to look at it is, Jeff’s apologies are getting more and more expensive over the years.  He probably used to be able to get away with a dozen roses.  Some day he will be buying Zoila tickets on the space shuttle.

Zoila takes her new gift out for a test drive.  She brings it back with a flat.

But it’s all good.  They share a hug

I call this an Uncle Hug, because that’s how men in my family hug

VALLEY OAK
It’s the end of the day, and Jeff is alone with Zoila.  He pours himself a glass of wine and sits at the kitchen counter, waiting for Zoila to bring him his dinner.  Tonight it’s pizza.  Jeff pretends Zoila is a waitress and playfully asks for water to go along with the food.

This is actually taking place on a weekend night, we learn.  Jeff says in talking-head that he routinely works until 9pm every day of the week, and dinner like this is his one hour to chill out before crashing.  You can see Jeff has such a limited social life because of his work, and you can see the grind he puts himself through to maintain the business.  Having Zoila to chat with must be wonderful.

Tonight he asks her how the new car is working out.  She’s loving it.  It’s so great, partly because she waited four years to get it.  Jeff calls her on making a backhanded compliment, but he’s gentle.  Like the end of the New York trip episode, it’s a moment when you see how much they care about each other.

To wrap things up this week, Jeff and Zoila each reflect on their relationship.  Zoila says Jeff’s a good man with a big heart.

Jeff, though, expounds on how they care about each other in unique ways.  She irons his sheets (!) and makes him breakfast, he buys her expensive gifts.  They don’t need to say things like Thank You and I Love You.

The episode ends with Zoila cutting up Jeff’s pizza for him, and him teasing her about doing it clumsily.  They go back and forth.

There ya go, people.  The more I watch Flipping Out, the more distracted I get by the lack of a chronology.  This episode brings that out.  It’s all Jeff picking on Zoila, but over how much time does it take place?  Is this like a week, real-time, or just the worst clips Bravo got after following him for months?  I wrote this recap as though it were a week, which is why I kept calling him a dick.  Maybe this took place over way longer, in which case, to me it seems less hellish.

And I’m still stuck on that car.  Awesome gift, but I have no idea what her previous car situation was.  What does this “waiting for four years” thing mean?

But at least it had plenty of flipping out.  Far too little of that this season, if you ask me.

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Has everyone seen all the new & returning shows they have on their DVR’s yet? Do you have a clear favorite in the ‘new show’ category? Only one debuting tonight, but it has a TV Icon as it’s star. Sunday will be huge, so there’s still lots to look forward to.

8pm:

Medium (CBS) Season #7 is “Freaky Friday” all the way! Allison & her middle daughter jolt awake to the same dream. After a brief discussion about a homeless dude, it’s back to bed. Breakfast is a whole different matter… seems Allison is Bridgette & Bridgette is Allison. One goes to work & the other to school… see where this is going? I have spent the summer catching up with this show on late night TV & I’m excited about tonight. I can’t wait to see Joe’s new haircut. *sigh* ….oh & did you know that Patricia Arquette wears her own PJ’s to work for her & Joe’s bedroom scenes AND her voluptuous bosom is bound so she looks less “well endowed”!

Smallville (CW) In it’s 10th season premiere, Lois saves Clark by removing blue(?) kryptonite from him & Jonathan returns to the farm with a message. I don’t get the CW network on my dish, so I’ve never seen this show. I’ve heard that former Lois Lane, Teri Hatcher, will appear this season as, of course, Lois Lane’s mother. This is the show’s final season.

Dateline NBC (NBC) In this two-hour premiere, the disappearance & murder of two young teens, Amber DuBois (14) & Chelsea King (17) are investigated by Keith Morrison. The 31 yr. old sex offender has been convicted of the crime, but there are new developments in the case.

9pm:

CSI: NY (CBS) It’s the show’s 7th season & it’s on a new day & time. Moved from it’s comfy Wednesday night slot, it’s now up against…. not much! …. at least not this week! Next week ABC will debut 2 new shows at 8 & 9pm. Sela Ward joins the cast as former FBI agent Jo Danville & the first thing she does is find a dead body in the crime lab building. Great way to get an early promotion.

Supernatural (CW) The 6th season begins with Sam being released from Hell after forcing the Devil himself back to purgatory. Now he must try to  convince Dean to re-join him in fighting EVIL! Monsters, angels & demons (Oh My!) roam across the chaotic landscape since the Apocalypse & there’s only one thing that can get Dean back on track… Grandpa Winchester!

The Good Guys (FOX) This isn’t quite a premiere, but more of a way for FOX to use up the 11 episodes from this summer nightmare of a show. They had actually pulled it early because of it’s dismal ratings. I don’t expect it to even last now. I’m sure there’s a Gordon Ramsey show waiting in the wings… maybe Kitchen Nightmares?

10pm:

Blue Bloods (CBS) The premiere of this new cop show has none other than Tom Selleck & Donnie Wahlberg in it’s lead roles. It’s a family of cops… generations in fact. Mr. Selleck is the head honcho, Police Chief Frank Reagan. Wahlberg is Det. Danny Reagan, his hot-headed son, a veteran of the Iraq war. Grandpa Henry is, of course, a retired cop & daughter Erin is an Asst. DA. Youngest son Jamie is just graduating from the police academy. Where does it go from here? Will it be more cop or more family?

That’s it for a Friday night. I’m excited to see Medium (CBS) again & will record Blue Bloods (NBC). It’s really a good night to catch up on my DVR recordings. I still haven’t watched Hawaii 5-O.

As fro last night…. Community (NBC) was the best comedy. I really enjoyed @#%*! My Father Says (CBS) but I’m a huge William Shatner fan. The Apprentice (NBC) & Project Runway (Lifetime) were by far, my favorites of the night.

Saturday Night Live (NBC) is all-new tomorrow night at 11:30pm with Amy Poehler as the Host. She was a cast member from 2001-2008 when she left to do her own sitcom, Parks & Recreation (NBC). Katy Perry, fresh from her Sesame Street scandal will be the musical guest. Let’s hope they do a spoof of that video!

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Mini caps of My Generation, The Apprentice, and Grey’s Anatomy

My Generation: St. Claire of Assisi

The My Generation pilot is less an hour-long dramatic narrative than it is a saturation bombing campaign. They’ve got nine characters on this show, and goddamn it, we’re going to meet all of them and learn anything that might conceivably be interesting about them before the hour is up.

The premise of My Generation is, a documentary crew filmed nine high school students from Austin in 2000, and now, ten years later, the doc crew returns for their class reunion. Here is everyone in thumbnail sketch…

Rolly: was a jock; is now a soldier in Afghanistan
Kenneth: was a nerd who wanted kids; is now an unmarried, childless elementary school teacher
Brenda: was a vague “overachiever/ethnic person”; is now a DC lawyer
Anders: was a rich kid; is now a rich man
Jackie: was a cheerleader; is now married to Anders
Falcon: was an annoying “rock star”; is now an annoying DJ; (I hope “Falcon” is his real name, too, not a nickname. Like maybe his parents were really into falconry)
Dawn: was a punk girl; is now pregnant and married to Rolly
Caroline: was a quiet smart girl but wound up sleeping with Steve on prom night, which wasn’t so smart because she had his child
Steve: was the class president; is now a surfer/bartender in Hawaii

Luckily they all fit into the standard high school archetypes. If there were anything more unique or interesting than this, I would have lost my mind keeping it all straight for you.

All the information I just foisted on you barely scratches the surface. I’d probably need some kind of organizational flow chart to lay out everyone’s romantic, personal, and familial relationships, AND the ways their lives tie into the Big News events from the past decade. To give you a sense of things, there are two separate love triangles among the group. TWO!

And Mini-recapping the pilot’s plot doesn’t really work because I can’t summarize here without including all those tons of information in detail. Check the full recap for that. But the bare bones were…Caroline telling Steve about their son; Kenneth finding out he’s infertile; Jackie and Steve reconnecting; and Dawn staying with Kenneth while Rolly is overseas, which is a problem, because Kenneth is in love with her. When he went to the sperm bank to determine his fertility, she’s the mental image he used to masturbate with.

See you Sunday for the full recap!

Grey’s Anatomy: DearCrabby

Hello Gasmii! And here begins another season of Grey’s Anatomy. I stopped watching this show a few years ago due to the whining and constant boinking in the on-call bunk room (sanitary!) but decided to jump back in once someone got shot. Finally.

So last season ended with a rampage of gunfire in Seattle Grace, the worst hospital in the country. Four people were killed, probably because their contracts were up and their storylines were such a bore, and our beloved McDreamy, Patrick Dempsey, was shot point-blank. Now he’s important to the show, so no worries – he’s alive and his hair is perfect. Thank God he wasn’t shot through the bouffant.

The whole episode surrounds which surgeons are given “clearance” to resume cutting people open. As if they should have been given that in the first place! Derek is given clearance despite the fact that he’s on an adrenaline rush and turns his commute into Top Gear every chance he gets – and has to be bailed out by Meredith every morning. Hope she stops for Dunkin’ before she gets there. She’s looking awfully puffy, I’m guessing from the baby weight which is why you should always adopt from some Asian country.

The shrink leading the “clearance” brigade is totally hot and hooks up with Kim Raver (not a patient, so the skeeve factor is relatively low). Slowly but surely everyone gets their clearance back except Meredith who hasn’t come clean about the miscarriage to Derek or the shrink and Christina who has her nose buried in wedding magazines thanks to Dr. Ginger. God, their kids are going to be fugly.

Derek performs brain surgery on someone whose face they actually have to split down the middle for christ’s sake (thanks ABC censors, for not doing your JOB), Karev prefers to keep his bullet inside his body (although poking out) because “chicks dig it,” Lexi shaved off her eyebrows and tells Karev she saved him, and some random people (I’m guessing either new interns or people from Seattle West or people who faked their medical degrees mill around) are trying to get their hands around the fact they were part of a “mass murder” or “murder spree.” Group therapy is fun, isn’t it?

The episode ends with Mere leaving Derek in jail where he belongs (and will get passed around for cigs tout suite), Christina getting married in a dress I would kill for, Callie drunkenly asking her girlfriend to move in with her and get a blow dryer and McSteamy looking really, really old. Dude, it’s call Just For Men. Look into it – Derek may have some he can share.

The Apprentice: Swellmel

In last night’s episode, Android David made his first move in global domination by becoming Project Manager for Team Octane while Poppy took charge of the women’s team Fortitude.

This week’s challenge was to sell ice cream on the street. Android David announced this would be a piece of cake, “Humans love ice cream and those who are lactose intolerant are inferior and should die.”

“After hearing Android David threaten to incinerate those who lack the enzyme to digest milk, I made the conscious decision to keep my lactose intolerance on the DL.”

 

Check back Sunday for the complete recap.

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