Best Television Shows

Archive for the ‘TVgasm’ Category

FINALE!!! This is it. First up, we are reminded that these ladies THOUGHT they were going on a reality show called “The Good Life.” Instead they were sent to the Beverly Center, went on a fake shopping spree, had their credit cards declined and then found out that they were actually Cut Off from their enablers “benefactors.”

Hey! I thought I was gonna be on “The Good Wife!”

The final day in the Middle Class Ranch House begins with them all doing their chores and getting ready and pretending to happen to be shooting the breeze about not being able to believe they have come this far.

We have learned so little! Wow!

Pam is spraying down the kitchen counter. Erica and Jackie do yard work. Erica gets on Gia’s case about her not doing her toilet cleaning chores. As much as Gia tries to get along with Erica, Erica is just too stupid. Erica says “Ok Gia,” to shut her up. And then Gia imitates her in a deep voice: “Ok Gia.” The bold face indicates that her voice was deep.

You ain’t nothin but a hound dog k?

This brings attention to the fact that Erica does always talk in a fake high-pitched voice. She IS extremely fake. I hate to make such an obvious comparison, but Erica really is like a low-rent Paris Hilton. And Paris Hilton is already low rent.

She’s, like, the Motel 8 version.

Jessica tells us that she is making it her business to stay out of fights today, because she wants to graduate and not get thrown out by LCL. However, I think she is physically incapable of not exploding into temper tantrums all the time. She needs to take a chill pill. Literally. Like Xanax or something. A note arrives, along with some decorations. They will be throwing a graduation party today for themselves and their enablers. VIP Courtnee gets to go to the store with three other girls and five hundred dollars to buy party goods. The other girls will stay home and decorate.

Amber, Jess, Jackie and Courtnee go to the G-store, while everyone else stays home to blow balloons and hang streamers. Leanne and Erica put their blowing skillz to good use on the balloons.

Don’t suck. Blow. I know, it’s confusing after you’ve learned one way.

I would call this beauty sleep, but that’s not really working. So maybe just sleep.

Suddenly some drama starts that Pam is still asleep and lazily sleeping in. It’s bizarre, because she was apparently up earlier, scrubbing down the kitchen counter. So not sure when the whole “Pam is sleeping in” drama was added to the plot. Some story producer over at VH1 probably got fired over this GLARING error. Pam says that she is tired of cleaning up after everyone. So she is going to sleep in and let everyone else do all the chores.

I am kind of on Team Pam here, honestly. She really has gotten the shaft on this show. She pretty much always went along with everything, good-sportedly. Did all her chores, all the challenges and assignments. She really didn’t fight with anyone or cause much drama. Yet she never won VIP, never got much air time. And we never did get to the bottom of the mystery about what exactly it is she does on Wall Street. I’d be pissed too if I was her. I don’t blame her for sleeping in and letting these other scrubs do all the work.
Leanne comes along and tells her to wake up and use her blowing skillz on the balloons. Pam refuses. Here is the thing about Leanne. I actually think she could be really pretty if she’d do something about those heinous hair extensions. I really, truly do NOT understand what these “rich” girls are spending their money on. Wtf?? If they are so rich, why do they all look so trashy??

She looks like she’s wearing a Davey Crockett hat.

Anyway, Courtnee, Pam, Jackie, and Jess go to the grocery store. They want to COOK for their families and put in time and effort, not just buy a veggie tray. Hey, that’s what I always personally bring to parties, but WHATEVER. They buy two nice bottles of champagne for their families and some cheap stuff for them. Jess will make the Chicken Parm.

Botulism is so easy to make. Trust me.

In the kitchen meanwhile, Leanne, Gia and Erica chill. Gia talks about what a good experience this has been for her, and how she is definitely going to clean up after her daughter from now on.

And maybe wear some looser shirts.

Leanne says it’s sad that on the last day …. Erica says in her deep voice “that we have to clean” and Leann is like – “No, that we finally get along.” “Oh, I know,” Erica.

Grocery store girls come back and ooooo and ahhhhh about the beautiful tacky, paper decorations.

Where’s the microwave?

Gia is excited to cook cake and that all the girls trust her. Jess gets to work on the Chicken Parm. Gia also learns that you have to turn the oven ON before you put any food into it.

Don’t mess with these women.

They all marvel about how great it is that they are all working together and how this NEVER would have happened in week one. Except Pam. So then some more Drama is contrived whereby Jess storms back into the bedroom where Pam is doing her hair and Jess completely unravels, screeching that Pam seriously better get off her ass and help people.

I am helping people. By not leaving this room until I’m presentable. You think America wants to see this side of me?

Pam tells the camera “Hello, I’ve been cleaning up for two months.” She seriously sounds like she’s reading lines from a script each time she gets in the pink box and tells us what’s up. And like she’s reading them BADLY.

Soo…. Jess decides to exact revenge on Pam by messing up her bed. Ok. Very profound, especially considering this is their last day in the house and won’t be sleeping in the beds that night. Jess is seriously a rage-aholic. She needs help.

Pam says she can’t believe Jess is still freaking out so much. “She went from like, a mad Chihuahua to like a Nasty Troll.” Pam half-heartedly messes up Jessica’s bed in return.

Let’s talk about the war in Afghanistan.

Life Coach Laura holds a summit and tells them that they have one more project: write a letter to their enablers explaining what they have learned and what they will change when they go back home.

One by one, all the girls’ parents meet with LCL to discuss their progress and issues. Leanne’s parents say that they can’t say no to her.

Or she’ll murder us in our sleep.

Amber makes up a bunch of bullshit for her letter.

I is skinie and hapee and me want ur $ k?

LCL tells Courtnee’s parents that Courtnee wants permission to pursue her dreams. Courtnee just doesn’t know how to cut the umbilical cord on her own, and LCL encourages her parents to keep Court cut off. Sounds like a scary prospect to her parents.

Well, she could have said to just have your kid killed, so consider yourself lucky.

LCL tells Jackie’s mom that Jackie needs to learn the struggles of an artist, if she wants to be an artist.

Well, the biggest struggle is gonna be the whole creating art part. I’ll buy her fingerpaints.

Jessica’s mom says that she has contributed nothing to Jessica’s entitled mindset.

Except buckets of money for doing nothing.

Gia has a hard time writing her letter because even though she does want to apologize and ask for forgiveness, she has a lot of hurt still that her husband sent her away like that. Seriously. I understand getting cut off from your parents… but it’s really kind of a different situation when it’s your husband.

How do you spell “never sleeping with you again. You can explain this to your penis.”

LCL gives Gia’s husband a laundry list of all the things that Gia should be doing for him in the future. Uhmmm…. I really think this calls for marriage counseling, NOT Life Coach/Cut Off intervention.

Your wife is insufferable. Let’s deal with that. But first let’s deal with your hair gel and your fake tan. It’s probably making her the way she is.

Pam’s Mom, Dad and Brother meet and say that they give Pam so much help. Her bro says that she never does what she doesn’t want to do. LCL says they need to set restrictions. Amber needs to focus on a specific passion besides passion.

Your daughter’s a slut. Thanks for stopping by.

In comes Erica’s plastic looking Mom, saying that Erica is not superficial at all. She gets defensive and asks LCL if she wants Erica not to even clean her hair. LCL is like “wtf?” Her mom continues that everyone needs to be a full circle with no lapse so that they can radiate the way they are supposed to for the universe.

What your daughter is radiating is the problem, dumbass. It’s giving people cancer.

So yeah. I think we’ve learned a lot about why these crazy girls all are the way they are. Graduation ceremony time.

You know it’s an important event if it’s held in the driveway.

Erica tells us that her mom is the hottest mom there. Well now, that’s really not saying much, is it Erica?Jessica meets her mom in the center of the ring first. The most shocking part about her letter was when she said her mom deserved angel wings for dealing with her for twenty-three years. TWENTY THREE?? What?? What was her mom doing the other ten years of Jessica’s life?? Or is Jessica seriously trying to tell us that she is only 23?? Wtf?

Dear Mom, you should have taught me to stay out of the sun. I hate you. Love.

Now Jess’s mom lays down the terms Jess has to adhere to if she wants to move back home. She better get a job in two months. She will do her own laundry. Her mom will ONLY pay for her essentials. Not for psychics. (LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn, I LOVE going to a psychic.) And she won’t pay for tanning either. Jessica says that is totally overboard. Her mom says – you can pay for your own tanning when you get a job. Jess is like – tanning will HELP me get a job. Her mom sticks to her guns and cuts off her tanning.

It boils down to Jess has to decide whether or not she will accept each and every one of these terms. Well, what the hell?? What is she going to say? No?? What choice does she have?? What’s in it for her Mom if Jess returns home? It’s pretty much a lose-lose situation on her Mom’s part. So awkward. Obviously Jessica accepts the terms, and they literally shake hands and call it a business deal. Jessica tells her mom not to shake her arm fat.

Correction: pasty arm fat.

Courtnee joins her parents in the ring and says how blessed she is to have them as parents. She is given terms by her parents too.

She’s so lifting her dad’s wallet right now.

She has to determine where she wants to live within one mont of returning home: New York, Los Angeles or Atlanta. She has to start paying her phone bills and all her other bills. Aw, they all love each other. Courtnee accepts the terms.

Why? Don’t ask us. We haven’t come up with anything yet.

Next up: Leanne and parents. She realizes how hard they work and now it’s her turn to give back. She is going to cut back on her shopping sprees. She will do her own laundry and keep her room clean. So, how exactly is this giving back?? She is CUTTING DOWN on her shopping sprees? See, I think that is still considered TAKING. If she took her parents on a shopping spree and bought them some crap, THAT would be giving back. Keeping her room clean is giving back??? I assume she is still living there rent free. So paying rent would be giving back. And doing her own laundry?? Wtf? Whose detergent and machines is she going to use? Who bought the clothes? Not sure how doing her own laundry and cleaning her room qualifies as doing her parents any favors.

Her parents give her the terms of her probation. She needs to go back to school and graduate her nursing program. And she has to get rid of all her credits cards but one. Her spending limit is now $500 a month. She accepts the terms of her probation.

Amber tells her parents a bunch of crap. Her parents’ conditions are that she has one year to move out…. and they will always be there to support her. That’s about it. Nice. Obviously Amber accepts the terms.

Pam reads a letter to her family, saying she should have been more trusting and appreciative of what she had. Uhh… her dad says that she is still cut off. Does she accept the terms? Well she has to.

Erica has learned how to budget and cook and do chores. She has learned how to mow the lawn, so her mom can fire Cesar their groundskeeper. Rude. How do you think Cesar feels about that? Her mom gives a soliloquy about roses and roots. Her conditions to return home are to put away her dishes and shoes and clothes. Wow!! Those were the conditions for me to live at home too… WHEN I WAS TEN. Erica accepts the terms and her mom proceeds to tell her that she loves Erica’s brother more than Erica.

I guess forty seven isn’t too young to move out after all.

Jackie steps up to the plate and sheds a tear about how changed she is and that every day for the rest of her life, she will thank God for such an amazing family. Jackie’s new ground rules are that it’s time for her to move out. She will have to pay rent, utilities, and her phone bills. Jack accepts the terms, saying she thinks it’s time.

You know that paper is blank.

Gia and her husband now face off. It was hard for Gia to be here, but she has learned and realized all the things she needed to grow. She will try to spend more time with him if he vows to have sex with her more often. Wtf? Ew! The new rules for Gia are that she has to take care of the baby and the house, make her bed, etc.

That baby is gonna grow up speaking gibberish.

And the worst part is when he said “I told you, I put the rules, and you’re going to follow it, you know?” Uhmmm…. hell no, I do NOT know. If some guy EVER said that to me, I would at minimum dump him faster than anyone humanly thought possible, and at maximum, maybe kill him.

Where are you gonna put the rules, big guy?

Maybe that is why I am thirty [plus one] and still single?? I really don’t care. I would rather die alone and my mummified remains, along with the mummified remains of all my pets not be found until three generations later, than have a husband who laid down the law on me. No one puts Baby JulieJulie in a corner.

Well Gia has no choice I guess, since she has no life skills, didn’t learn any lessons and can’t take care of herself in this life. Plus she has a baby with this dude, so she is forced to accept these conditions if she wants to return home. In the end, she didn’t seem too torn up about it, telling her husband “I was so horny here without you all this time.”

So weird. I really think your husband cutting you off is totally inappropriate and not at ALL the same thing as your parents kicking you out. Your husband is SUPPOSED to work together with you to build a life, household, etc. So if a bitch isn’t holding up her end of the bargain, then I think you guys should go to couples counseling… NOT cut her off. Freeloading off your parents totally calls for being cut off… but this Gia’s husband thing was just totally weird. Then again, so is Gia.

Life Coach Laura gets all chocked up as she asks the girls to commit to strive to become the independent, strong and beautiful that she knows they can be.

Laura’s face? Still not moving.

Inside the bitches party and we are treated to updates as to how being cut off took.

Basically, they are all still leeches.

So my question is: what’s the update on Life Coach Laura?? I think VH1 needs to cut HER off since obviously none of these bitches changed AT ALL.
Go to Source

Mini Caps of Pretty Little Liars and Rescue Me

Pretty Little Liars: SlifeGoesOn

Wow! What a fan-friggin-tastic episode! Not only were there secrets and lies and flashbacks (oh my!) at every turn, but supporting characters, new and old, were just popping out of the woodwork.

The episode centered on the girls preparing for Alison’s (long overdue) memorial service / park bench dedication ceremony. Alison’s older brother Jason arrived in town sans parents (PS, where did her family move to?!) and basically took charge of the girls’ memorial service. Dick! He also turned out to be just as evil as his sister (if not more so) when he blackmailed Schnoz into silence by threatening to expose her as the arson ringleader instead of Alison.

While Schnoz felt the noose tightening around her throat, Blondie had to contend with an even more depressing tightening of the purse strings at home. Much to Sean’s dismay and her own embarrassment, she enlisted geeky Lucas into helping her hawk handbags online. She also had to contend with Officer Wilden, whose prime suspect now in Alison’s murder is Toby, since he called her that very night.

Buggy spent most of her time moping about her parents separation, then moped some more about having to go on a double date with Blondie, Sean, and his hot buddy Noel that she used to have a crush on. (Get over Fitzy already!) Meanwhile, Lezzy tried to get in as much date night snogging with her new girlfriend Maya before her strict father returns home from war in Afghanistan. (Way to stay timely, writers!)

The girls worried that Jenna would use the memorial service to expose their secrets, but she ended up delivering a heartfelt speech about Alison being a true friend to her after the fire. Guest star Ryan Merriman showed up at the eleventh hour as Melissa’s ex. (Yes, please!) We learned that Alison secretly wanted to die young, that she feared Schnoz, and that she had two identical friendship bracelets. Oh, and “A” destroyed Alison’s memorial park bench! Yikes!! Stay tuned for the full recap!!

Rescue Me: Saint Claire of Assissi

The past couple weeks I’ve been bitching about how Rescue Me is soooo formulaic, and it’s the same thing every week, and it’s tedious to recap, wah wah wah. And, uh, I guess I got what I wanted…because now Rescue Me is The Hangover? Awesome!

Now, the story begins with a sequence that looks like the standard Rescue Me fare. Tommy has slid so far backward he’s on a binge of indeterminate length. The ghosts of his past—Jimmy and Connor—show up, but Tommy is so wretched he lashes out at them, and it gets particularly ugly, even for him. But he winds up meeting Colleen for some pub crawling, and they have some fun father-daughter bonding, and then things get hazy. He finds himself at Sheila’s, and eventually he blacks out.

He wakes up in Janet’s apartment, of all places. It’s been destroyed somewhere between now and where we last saw him, and he is hung ooooover! He heads over to the firehouse to ease into his day, but when he arrives he finds everyone panicking. Nobody has seen Colleen since ten last night, except Tommy—and he’s about two cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito away from even remembering his last name.

They take him into the kitchen to jog his memory, (helped out by the hair of the dog that bit him), but he can only recall glimpses of the night before. They don’t indicating. But there are some weird clues scattered on his person: a cocktail napkin for a bar named “Henderson’s”; sand; a phone number for someone named Alice or possibly Jean. Everyone splits up to find her. They fear for the worst. This isn’t the first time Colleen’s life has been teetering on the edge like this, and it wouldn’t be the first time they lost a child. You get the sense that Tommy and Janet won’t survive losing another one.

So, it doesn’t have Mike Tyson or a tiger, and the person everyone is looking for could actually be dead, and it’s not a comedy at all, but basically, this one was The Hangover.

Thank you, Rescue Me.
Go to Source

YES! The CW Network has some new programming for us! Tonight is the premiere of it’s new summer reality show Plain Jane, at 9pm. The show’s host Louise Roe, a so-called British fashion expert, will take one “plain jane” each week and transform her from the inside out. Sounds painful to me. Once this lucky girl/woman has been made-over from head to toe, she will have the chance to surprise an unsuspecting “crush” with her new looks & her true feelings. Wow… does this mean she could be rebuffed on TV. Awesome… love that idea. There are only 6 episodes so the heartache & humiliation will be short-lived. Anyone going to tune in?
Go to Source

What’s been happening in the Big Brother house since the nominations? Well, there IS a huge unsolved mystery. Someone has been sabotaging the bathrooms & the houseguests are baffled by who it could possibly be. This mystery won’t be seen on CBS, that’s for sure. Join us in the forums to find out what is going on!
Go to Source

It was only the first day of filming Celebrity Rehab 4 when Slutty McSlutterson, Rachel Uchitel quit. She ran away from the Pasadena recover center yelling, “I quit!” Allegedly she couldn’t take the heat, and face her problems, so she ran away to a nice hotel, and I’m sure had a pill cocktail party.

They’re reporting that she agreed to go back, but just needed a some time away…oh, and I’m sure that the half million dollar contract didn’t hurt either. Looks like Dr. Drew will be earning his money this season, as it sounds like it’s going to be super dramatic. Rachel Uchitel is Heidi Fleiss all over again, but with tighter skin, and better hair. She sounds like a dramatic mess…but I guess the important thing is sobriety, right?
Go to Source

Hello Gasmii!  P-Baby here for duty, with Diet Pepsi on tap to keep me cool from the ungodly temperatures outside.  I don’t mean to keep bending the “rules” for my DVDgasm but I honestly could not bear to make myself sit through Clash of the Titans or Repo Man because Jude Law makes me want to puke and I want to remember Liam Neeson as the badass from Taken and not as mythical Greek God Zeus.  I’ll probably get struck by lightning on my way to work tomorrow, but I’m long overdue for that anyway.

So on the advice of one of my beloved readers who suggested DVDgasm just entail any movie out on DVD worth snarking on,  today’s selection comes straight to you all from P-Baby’s Book O’ Crappy Movies.  The chosen one is none other than the Bomb on Bus abomination Speed, starring pre-Oscar Sandra, pre-Neo Keanu, and the wonderful bad boy Dennis Hopper (RIP).

“But P-Baby, how could you turn down Repo Man but be ok with watching Speed for the 957th time?”

Well kiddies, that’s just how I roll.  One man’s trash is another woman’s prized $5 DVD find.

On with the show!

Ominous music plays as the credits roll over a dark elevator shaft.  I’m already pumped!  Weird things happens in elevators, like Emilio Estevez eating it 10 minutes into Mission Impossible, Michael Douglas banging the crap out of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, and an ocean of blood cascading down the hall in The Shining and those are just off the top of my head.

So this time around, an innocent security guard happens across Dennis Hopper dressed as a repair man and challenges his story of just completing a work order.  Clearly this security fellow has never seen Blue Velvet, because if he had, he probably would have just left that nutjob alone and hauled ass out of there.   Security fellow wasn’t for long in this movie and gets stabbed in the face by Dennis.  We are also treated to the fact that Dennis has deformed hands.  Remember this, Gasmii, it will be important later.

After a meeting lets out, a bunch of self-importat 30 something yuppies get into an elevator.  The elevator’s cables snap and it starts free-falling, luckily saved by the emergency brakes.  Panicked workers run out of the building while sirens blare on the streets, incidcating the iminent arrival of law enforcement and the SWAT team, who were apparently equipped with flying cars in 1994 as one dramatically crests a hill and lands directly in front of the building.

The first problem with this whole clusterfuck is who they sent on the mission.  If I’m stuck 30 floors up in an elevator at the hands of a psychopath, I’m probably going to shit my pants if I see these two at the helm of my resuce.

13 people are stuck on this elevator and on the ground we have the creater of Skynet apparently calling the shots.  I guess after the whole Skynet thing took a shit on the future of mankind, he decided to fall back on leading the Los Angeles SWAT team because here he is bossing people around.

Jack Traven (Keanu) and Harry Temple (Jeff Daniels) are sent as leads to check out what the hell is going on in the elevator shaft.  I’m totally on to why this movie was a smash hit.  Keanu circa 1994 was smokin’ hot.  Then this happened.

Jack and Harry promise to have the hostages out of the elevator as soon as possible though they fail to mention to them the fact that there is a bomb strapped on top of their death trap.  Jack deduces that Howard Payne (Dennis) is probably going to blow the elevator regardless of ongoing hostage negotiations and decides the best course of action is to get the hostages out of the elevator.

Jack and Harry are successful in getting all the yuppies off the elevator, severely pissing off Howard in the process.

Jack questions why the elevator fell early and figures out that Howard must be in the building.  Bing!  They discover him in one of the freight elevators and after a shoot out, Howard manages to hold Harry hostage.  In order to save Harry, Jack shoots Harry in the leg, causing Howard to release him for a quicker escape.  He detonates an explosion in a parking garage, knocking Jack unconcious and making it appear as though Howard gets killed.  That can’t be though, because if Howard is dead, then I don’t have another 100 minutes of awesomely bad movie to sit through!   After the fallout, Jack and Harry get awarded medals and accolades for their bravery during the whole situation.  Harry also gets promoted but is now relgated to a desk job due to his injured leg.

So after a late night bender of booze and whores to celebrate their awesomeness,  a bus explodes in front of Jack on his way to work in the morning.   That probably did nothing to help his hangover, but that’s what you get when you shoot your partner in the leg.   Shortly after the explosion, a nearby payphone rings.  It’s Howard!  Not only is he alive and full of vengeful hate, but he’s planted a bomb on yet another bus.

Howard is demanding $3.7 million, and tells Jack that once the bus reaches 50 miles an hour, it becomes armed to explode.  After the bomb is triggered, if the bus falls below 50, it blows.  I may be a victim of the media and pop-culture saturation but doesn’t $3.7 million sound like a pretty manageable sum for the city of Los Angeles?  We pay Angelina Jolie $27 million to adopt babies and look sultry.  Alex Rodriguez has a $275 million ten year contract with the Yankees to contract STDs from Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz.  All Howard wants is paltry $3.7 million which I’m pretty sure he could get just by appearing on a few seasons of a VH1 reality show.  His version of the Rock of Love Bus would put Bret Michaels to shame.

Howard has also managed to wire the bus so that if anyone attempts to get off, he’ll blow it up.  It also blows if he doesn’t get his money by 11 AM.  Howard does Jack a solid and gives him the bus number of 2525 and it’s current location.   Jack now has a fire under his ass and jumps in his car to find it.

Sandra Bullock has no problem finding the bus, as she is frantically chasing it down the street as kindly bus driver Sam slows to let her board.  She really is a cute lady, that Sandra, and undoubtedly one of America’s sweethearts but I dare say…{whispers quietly}…that Meryl should have won the Oscar.  Please don’t beat me.

After boarding the bus, Annie (Sandra) gets mildly harassed by another passenger, who’s just going to be called Cameron because let’s be honest, that’s his name.  Well, his real life name is Alan Ruck and I’m sure he has a fine body of work but…his name is Cameron.

He babbles on and on annoying Annie to the point where she actually moves seats, sitting next to some crazy old bat who is probably a Jesus Freak with five million cats at home.  Jack speeds through the LA traffic and catches up to the bus.  For some reason he ditches his car and tries to catch up on foot, beating the side of the bus demanding to be let on.  Since he appears completely looney toons, the passengers tell Sam not to let him on.

Jack carjacks a guy in a convertible who is African American, so he automatically assume some Cops shit is going down and that he’s being arrested for a stolen car.  Jack finally writes a note telling all the chodes on board there is a bomb on the bus.  Unfortunately, in all this hubbub, Sam has gone over 50 MPH and activated the bomb.  They finally let Jack board while the poor car-jacked dude is left on the side of the road with a busted up car.

Jack calls Harry and tells him that Harold is still alive.  Skynet is all over it, storming Harry’s desk also informing him of the bus hostage situation.  I don’t know what these chowderheads think Harry is going to do about it since he just got shot in the leg and should probably taking a personal day drinking margaritas by a pool somewhere.

Jack announces himself as LAPD and Annie gets all in his face telling him he’s scaring everyone.  Of course one of the Mexican dudes on the bus has a handgun and points it at Jack, thinking he is there to arrest him.  Jack’s all “I’m not here for you man, let’s not do this and go smoke some grass,” and the Mexican guy is all “Silencio motherfucker! Alto el autobus!”  and then Jack says “Look, dude, I’m totally cool.  I don’t even know how to shoot this thing but I’m going to put it away and I’ll be cool and you’ll be cool and it’s all gravy,” and then the Mexican guy accidentally shoots Sam after another passenger decides to grow a pair and grab him from behind.

Annie takes over driving due to Sam’s gaping bullet wound and tries to slow down the bus, prompting Jack to yell at her not to or the bus will explode.  Jack explains to all the passengers the predicament they are in.  ”Ok everyone.  There’s a bomb on the bus.  If we slow down, it’ll explode.  I’m speaking in this monotone voice as to not frighten or excite you.  Also, because it’s the only way I know how to talk.  I actually completely baked right now but it’s no big deal.  So we have to stay above 50 or else we’re all toast.  Mmmm, toast.  If anyone tries to get off, it’ll explode.  Again, do not be alarmed at this announcement or my complete lack of emotion.”

Back at the office, Harry is holding down the fort at his desk while Skynet and pal are off to the chopper!  Howard is watching all this shit go down on a bunch of TVs in his hideout.  He hears about the LAPD officer who’s managed to board the bus, knowing it must be Jack.  He’s very excited about this.

Jack calls Harry for some advice on what to look for, because Harry is the brains of the partnership while Jack serves as the brawn and eye-candy.  I actually really love Jeff Daniels as an actor and think he is totally above making crap like this.  At the same time, I love this movie whole heartedly so I guess it all works out in the end.  Harry tells Jack to check for any wires or things that have been tampered with.  He then tells him to check under the bus, which he does through the access panel on the bus floor.  He sees the bomb under there with a red light, green light, circuit wire, gold watch.  and “enough C4 to blow a hole in the world.”  I say again, folks, why am I not yet a Hollywood screenwriter?  Harry asks what kind of watch and Harry figures out that Howard was a former member of the LAPD.  Meanwhile, Skynet has located the bus in his chopper and is following them, attempting to clear the road.

The bus keeps driving and driving, hitting about 3 million cars, a stroller full of cans, some water barriers,  a mariachi band, a gang of mimes, Justin Bieber, and some other shit that’s expendable.  Skynet tells Jack to get onto Interstate 105 which has been out of use and after a narrow brush with tipping over on a hard right turn they make it onto the freeway.

The passengers are starting to tweak out a little bit though not too badly considering the situation.  Skynet directs his force to keep the road open for the bus.  Jack takes this time to eye-fuck Annie a little while she’s driving and they engage in some meaningless chit chat.  How long could it possibly take to scrape together $3.7 million?  Just go knock on Ryan Seacrest’s door cuz dude is loaded.  Except this was 1994 and he was hosting a show called Gladiators 2000 back then, which I guess was some sort of American Gladiators for pimply teens.

Skynet pulls up beside the bus on a trailer and directs Jack to get the passengers off the bus.  He tells Skynet to fuck off because Howard’s already planned for something like this to go down.  Howard calls Jack and tells him to stop misbehaving, as he can see what’s going on due to the TV broadcasts.  Jack manages to negotiate for Sam to get off the bus due to his injury and Howard obliges.  Crazy Jesus Freak Cat Lady is pissed because she convinced she’s going to die and wants off the bus like yesterday.  After Sam is evacuated, she attempts to get off the bus as well causing Howard to detonate a bomb under the steps and rolling the Crazy Lady under the bus. She only has herself to blame. Why do people never follow the instructions of the crazed hostage bomber terrorists?

The passengers start to get all Lord of the Flies on each other while Annie is rattled from the Cat Lady’s death and the miniature bomb exploding.  Jack tells her it’s ok to be glad she’s alive and not to feel bad about Cat Lady being a dumb bitch.  He also says that Howard is the asshole that has put them all in this situation.

Come to find out, the freeway isn’t finished and actually has a 50 foot gap about three miles down the road.  Nice work, Skynet.  Jack tells Annie to floor it and shoot the gap.  Good luck to all of you on this venture.  I guess since the LAPD have flying cars, Jack figures the bus can fly too.  They increase the speed and make it over the gap and cheering ensues.  Hold the phone.  There is no fucking way a city bus with about 20 passengers and all their shit is going to even make it across a five foot gap, let alone fifty feet.  Once again, I am not one to sit there and call bullshit on movies for the unbelievable stunts, etc, such as Charlize Theron playing an ugly serial killing hooker or Cameron Diaz playing just about anything, but this is just asking too much.

After defying gravity and every other law of physics ever written, the passengers rejoice.  Jack directs Annie to get off at the next exit which conveniently happens to be an exit for the Los Angeles Airport.  I guess the plan is to circle around on the runways free of cars and also restricting news helicopters from flying into the airspace.  In the process, he also probably holds up thousands of passengers attempting to fly to and from wherever by way of Los Angeles.  I’m sure that even though this all occurred sixteen years ago and on the other side of the country it will somehow manage to fuck with me the next time I dare fly somewhere because that’s just the nature of the beast.  I hate flying.

At the airport, Jack and the LAPD gang are able to go about their business defusing the bomb without Howard seeing them as the news broadcasts are unable to film.  Jack talks to Howard on the phone and Howard’s all “I want my money in unmarked bills you unemotional imbecile.  Can you handle that?” and Jack’s all, “You didn’t earn that money, dude, and I can’t help it if I have trouble conveying emotion.  Can we just end this and spark a doobie?” and Howard’s all “Fuck you, I earned it, my hand got blown up and all I got was a shitty watch and pink slip. Do not attempt to grow a brain.”

Howard agrees to let Jack off the bus under the guise of negotiating for Howard’s money.  The passengers are pretty understanding when this happens.  I’d probably kick him in the groin for ditching me, but not before engaging in a adrenaline-fueled make out sesh.  I can’t help it, Keanu is hot in this flick.

Jack gets on some kind of metal sled hooked to a zipline that is hooked to the back of a truck.  He sleds himself under the bus to get a better angle to defuse the bomb.  Harry starts to talk him through it from the office and Jack does some fancy wire clipping and recircuiting that looks good but is probably completely ineffective.

It’s kind of like when I’m at work and keep a powerpoint slide with some crap written on it open but really just read crap or play Collapse all day, so when the boss walks by, I can pop open the powerpoint and look awesome and hard at work.

At the same time Harry figures out that Howard is behind everything and take off to hunt him down.  The bus hits a bump with Jack underneath and his sled starts to swerve out of control.   Annie is frantic because she hasn’t had a chance at Little Jack yet and doesn’t want Big Jack to be dead before she gets her turn.  Jack manages to hang on by stabbing a screwdriver into the fuel tank of the bus and gets pulled to safety by the passengers.

So on top of everything else, the bus is now leaking gas pretty rapidly, giving the passengers about ten more minutes before stalling.  Jack is counting on Harry to find Howard, but seriously, why is Harry limping around the outside of Howard’s house about to break in when he should be stuffing his face with cupcakes on the couch and watching a True Life marathon?  He was just shot like an hour ago and now he’s back on the beat already.  Sucks for Harry because Howard is on to the fact that they were going to figure out his identity and has rigged his house with a bomb which explodes, killing Harry and his entire team.

Howard calls Jack and toys with him a little bit.  Howard says,”Hey Jack, did you hear that your smarter friend Harry got blown up in my house?  Was it the watch that led you to me?  Now do what I tell you or you’re fucked,” and Jack says,”I’m gonna rip out your spine you fuck.  Can you tell I’m mad now?  No?  Well I am, so when I get my hands on you, you’re dead,” to which Howard replies, “Heineken?  Fuck that shit!  PABST BLUE RIBBON!” and Jack’s all,”What the fuck?”  Howard gives Jack the drop off point for his money and hangs up the phone.

Jack realizes that Howard has been watching the bus by way of a hidden camera because he kept referring to Annie as a wildcat and she’s been wearing a sweatshirt from the University of Arizona whose mascot happens to be a wildcat.  I hope I’m not alone when I say that I did not know off the top of my head that Arizona’s mascot was a wildcat, but I guess it would have been too obvious if Howard repeatedly referred to Annie as a Trojan or a Volunteer.

Jack forms a plan and has Skynet loop footage through a signal, enabling them to get the passengers off the bus safely.  Jack and Annie escape off the bus through the access panel in the floor after rigging the gas pedal to stay down.  The bus crashes head on into a cargo plane causing a huge explosion.  Jack starts to fall for Annie after sharing such an intense and dangerous experience together even though we all know these relationships tend to fail miserably.  Annie likes him too, though, just in time for her to get kidnapped, strapped with a suicide vest and handcuffed to a subway train.

The LAPD form a plan to catch Howard as he picks up his ransom money, staking out the entire area.   Howard figures out that the tape was looped and gets really pissed when he realizes everyone has made it off the bus.  Howard really isn’t the kind of guy that I want on my bad side.  He disguises himself as a police officer and kidnaps Annie who is waiting nearby on the street.

Through an escape route under the drop off point, Skynet and friends realize that Howard managed to get the money without revealing himself.  In the meantime he has also managed to strap Annie with a vest full of dynamite connected to a pressure release detonator that Howard is in possession of.  Jack jumps down the escape route, stumbling upon Annie and Howard.  Jack says “Let her go, you don’t need her. Please man,” and Howard says,” Ha, tough shit Surfer Boy.  Too bad Harry isn’t around anymore because I know you’re not gonna shoot this hot piece of ass,” and Jack says,”You’re a crazy fucker, man,” and Howard says,”Do not fuck with me, I will explode her ass right now.”

Howard escapes into a subway station with the ransom money and gets onto a train with Annie.  Since Howard is a crazy bastard, he refuses to let Annie go even though homeboy got paid, sucka.  He hijacks the train and handcuffs Annie inside.  Jack pries the door open on the train just in time to board before it starts moving down the tracks.

Howard notices the train conductor calling for help and shoots him.  Even though he’s already pissed from his bus plot getting foiled, he gets even angrier when he gets shot in the face from the dye packs attached to his ransom money.  Skynet really must want Jack dead for all the fuck ups he’s made this movie.

He starts shooting at the top of the train where Jack is, hanging on by the skin of his teeth.  Howard decides to chase Jack to the top of the train and starts fighting with him.  Howard pretty much has the upper hand and keeps threatening to drop the bomb trigger device through the whole fight.  Howard gets on top of Jack and starts to suppress his airway with the detonator but Jack lifts him up, causing Howard to be decapitated by a tunnel light.  Jack goes back down to where Annie is and deactivates her bomb by yanking on one of the wires.  Really?  That seems pretty reckless seeing as how Harry had to talk Jack through defusing the bomb under the bus just a short time ago before getting blown up by yet another bomb in Howard’s booby trapped house.

Annie is now free of her death vest but still handcuffed to the train and minus one key.  The train is moving at a high rate of speed and unable to be stopped due to severe damage from Howard’s gunshots.  Skynet calls over the radio to let Jack know that, similar to the Interstate, the track isn’t complete.  Does the Los Angeles Department of Transporation just not complete any projects allowing for mass transit?  What the hell is going on here?

The train cannot be stopped, because its control panel is heavily damaged by Payne’s bullets.  Jack tries to get Annie loose from her cuffs and fails pretty miserably.  Again, like the bus, he decides the best option is to accelerate and derail the train.  Jack stays with Annie on the train and they embrace, waiting for impact.  The train derails and breaks apart, busting through a bunch of shit and coming to a stop on Hollywood Boulevard.

Annie realizes that Jack chose to stay with her rather than exit the train and save himself, causing her to love Jack even more and the two finally suck face in front of a crowd of onlookers.  I hope those two crazy kids can make it last based off the really crappy day they just had.

Well Gasmii, Keanu and Sandra are safe to live another day and entertain us with more crappy movies.   Hope you enjoyed and be sure to come back on Friday for the latest edition of..duh duh duhhhhh….Horrorgasm!

Go to Source

- For all you television business nerds Stephen McPherson is resigning from his President of ABC Entertainment Post where he oversaw both ABC Network and ABC Studios. (via Deadline)

-Alfred Molina is coming back to the little screen to lead Law and Order: LA. This is fantastic casting on the part of NBC. For those of you scratching your noggin at the name Alfred Molina you may remember him better as the scary man with too many arms on Spider Man. Though to me he will always be the guy from the sitcom Ladies Man. (via TV.com)

-TMZ has pics of Lady Gaga making out with her boyfriend and I don’t want to be mean but they are not flattering pictures. I am not sure you want to click through and see this. There is a reason she wears tons of make-up and makes herself look also sorts of crazy on stage. It is also because of pictures like this that I adhere to an only pretty people on my TV rule.

-While I am not a fan of Comedy Central’s choice to honor The Hoff at this years Comedy Central Roast  (read: I think they are just being lazy) they may be turning me with this TOTALLY AWESOME promo. That network is on a role, first Nick Swardson and now this.

The Roast of David Hasselhoff	Sunday, August 15
Tease – The Hoff’s Sexy Carwash
www.comedycentral.com
Futurama New Episodes It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Russell Simmons Stand-Up Comedy

Go to Source

Joshua Jackson managed to shoot his own footage as a homage to his beloved character Pacey from Dawson’s Creek. The footage includes the security not recognizing him, and kicking him out (which actually happened, but was manipulated for this footage). I’ve got to hand it to him, he’s keeping the dream alive!

Oh, how I loved Pacey. He was my slow jam…

Go to Source

Elton John, and Justin Timberlake’s reps are denying that Idol is in their future. Justin’s reps are saying that he has a budding movie career (because God forbid he makes another album), so he’s a no go for Idol. And as for Elton, his reps say he’s tied up until next year.

I’m sure Elton, and Justin will be “un-tied” up when they offer them boat loads of money. I can’t imagine the two of them ever judging the show, but they would be great, and ensure eyeballs.
Go to Source

I’ve got news for you. You’re too fat for thirty, too.

I haven’t done a Trailer Trash in awhile, but when I got this one in my inbox I had to bite. It’s about fat kids going to fat camp, and I can relate. When I was 15, I was fat. And….yeah I still am. Wah poor me omg fat is a disability wahwahwahhhhh. Where’s my soft music? Where’s my loving voiceover? Where’s my goddamn TV show? Personally, I think that when like 80% of the country is fat, that should be the norm. Let’s all start making fun of skinny people. Fair is fair! Point is, welcome to Too Fat for Fifteen!
“In the fight to change their lives….”

Hey! That’s not a hot dog, kid! Move away from the gym equipment!

“There is nothing too difficult…”

Standing is hard. I’m so gonna cry right now. I must persevere! Right after I sit down for a second. Then I will stand some more. Lean?

“…too scary,…”

Aaaagh! That punching bag gave me heartburn!

“…or too big to overcome.” I would be so pissed if I was this girl and they put me behind the “too big” caption. That’s just rude.

Hey! Who ate Precious?!?

This chunky kid comes on screen as hippie guitar music jangles and tells us “being here makes you wanna do somethin!” Yeah, being at fat camp can really inspire a person to run.

I said I wanted to do something, not that I am gonna do something. Stop nagging me. I’m outdoors and I’m not crying isn’t that ENOUGH?!?! Baby steps, mothafucka!

The girl who ate Precious smiles big at the camera and tells us that she lost nineteen inches in four weeks. Holy shit. That’s pretty amazing. It’s probably just water weight. Or, er, like, Dr. Pepper weight or whatever.

Fat camp is an absolute whore. I went three times and came back proudly fatter each time. I hope these kids do better than I did, if only so we can watch the sequel, where they gain it all back during cry binge sessions in front of Law and Order marathons. That’s the best part of the diet circle process! When is there gonna be a show about that part? Hey Jillian, why don’t you come visit me and my family? So we can tear you limb from limb and eat you with a side of ranch.

America is totally fat, you guys. Michelle Obama told me. We have to do something about it!! We could stop eating, but that would be horrible and we would probably die. We could exercise, but yuck ew I love my knees too much for that. I have an idea! Let’s gather around the TV and eat and not exercise while we watch fat brats on TV suffer? YAAAAAYYYY!! Join me, won’t you?

Too Fat for Fifteen Premieres Monday, Aug 9 at 7c on the Style Network.

Go to Source