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Larry King has been keeping busy these days. I know he still has his show, but he’s on the rise, and has been rehearsing for his next career as Lady Gaga’s stand-in.

And I want to know what Ryan’s obsession with Larry is? I mean, it’s kind of cute, in a weird hosty way. It’s like they’re the 2010 version of Twins, Larry being Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Ryan being the “leftover sh*t” aka Danny Devito.

Oh, and before you watch this, be warned! Larry should’ve done his research…he sounds like he’s doing the geriatric version of TI doing Gaga. I wonder if this is how old pop singers will sound in the future? I’d love to hear Gaga doing Poker Face at the age of 80…I bet she’d change the name to Bunko Fists, get sh*t faced off fiber, and chase the tennis balls on the end of her walker under a black light for her music video…she’d be so so current among her peers at the nursing home.

Anyway…here’s Larry singing Poker Face (or at least trying to):

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Previously, Tim rolled his head and snapped his fingers in circles and told Wretch off in words I don’t understand cuz I didn’t go to college.

Thufferin thuccitash mothatruckas!

Also, this happened:

LOL!

We open tonight with Knit Michael girl whining about his accommodations.

“You think this is hard? Try living with Hepatitis! THAT’S hard!”-Sue Sylvester

Mondo asks Passanova if he feels like a winner. Stop talking to him so he can iron his head. Otherwise he’s gonna show up to the runway looking like he’s wearing a Sharpei Puppy hat.

I don’t think Passy understood the question, cuz he goes on and on about what it’s like being a wiener. He’s just glad that his wiener has immunity. Someone needs to explain that he hasn’t been given an immune wiener or he’s gonna be barebacking half the town by sundown.

Over at the girls’ place, Peach and April talk about how terrible Chunky Michael is while Peach caulks her eyes and sands her wattle.

Has anyone seen my concrete mixer?

Chunky Mike tells us that he doesn’t know who his friends are anymore.

A: No one but the stale ass Doritos on the crafts services table. Sad horns.

He whines to Trandy about everyone hating him. Clips of everyone hating him. Wretch wakes up miserable too. Clip of Tim telling her off. She insists that she’s not manipulative and talks in baby voice so we’ll believe her. Cuz babies aren’t manipulative at all.

Oh wah. Get a fucking job you needy tadpole. My boobs aren’t a buffet.

Hivy is, of course, now totally against Wretch. In a whispery way of course. She’s already died once on this show.

Mother of God! She’s aliiiiiive!

Fat Bitch comes out wearing glitter, which makes her look like a giant disco ball. Fat people? Shouldn’t wear glitter.

Hey Heidi, try eating fingernails for lunch. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Speaking of fat bitches dressed horribly, today is a real person ie: fat challenge!! YAAAAYYY!!! It’s so distressing that Trandy goes into cover the crater mode.

You know the heifers are just as horrified at the site of her, but they have MANNERS.

He insists he’s just horrified because of the hideous dresses they’re wearing, and he’s not wrong on that. This line pretty much sums up why no woman is happy when she finds out one of her bffs is getting married.

If you really love me, you’ll be uglier than me on my big day. Now give me five hundred dollars, throw me a party and shut your piehole.

 

The challenge is to turn the dresses into something the girls would want to wear again. The bridesmaids are pretty funny about how hideous their dresses are. Non Zombie Asian says “if you’ll notice, I have a giant bow on my chest.” This makes Hivy hungry. Poor Non Zombie will be lucky to make it out of here alive.

Passy gets to pick first, so he takes the skinniest one. The next skinniest one goes next, and so on. These people are shameless. Poor big girls! Mondo gets tricked though. He picks a thinnish girl with a creme stripe down her butt. Like that’s gonna stop him from making this entire dress into a jester unitard with a hipster jacket and plastic sunglasses.

You’ll never guess who the last to be picked is.

Just like dodgeball. And softball. And basketball. And Scrabble. That’s not even a team sport! Where’s the pantry in this dump?

Ah well, it all evens out. The big girl is always picked first by gay dudes when it’s time to go out and drink and make fun of people. How many times in his life do you think Mondo has been asked to leave Forever 21?

Sir, this is a Christian establishment. Put the leggings down and back away slowly.

Tim comes in to make fun of the dresses and tell them they can only use up to two yards of additional fabric. Since the tell off, everyone’s super kiss assy today. Trandy even goes as far as doing his nasty tranny dance he uses to pay the bills on Santa Monica Blvd.

Christopher’s model got skerd and quit, so he’s given a new one. Another regular person with a fug dress. This one, luckily, is thin. You can tell even before you see her cuz of his face:

The problem with skinny bitches is…well, a problem with skinny bitches is, they don’t use their mouths for eating. They use them for TALKING. April chose a stick and now has to listen to her prattle on about her ideas. Hey. I’ve got an idea. Eat. Comb your hair. Buy a sweater. I don’t care what you do. Just STFU. April’s gonna make you a very absorbent pair of diapers and you’re gonna like em!

So I was thinking the pleats could be the inner lining in case you laugh so hard you pee at a cocktail party. No? Um…ok. How bout in case you laugh so hard you pee at a company picnic. No? A baseball game? No? DAMN THIS IS HARD.

Chunky Mike promises his real model sophistication. And who wouldn’t believe him? Just look at him.

Sophistication

Peach takes her sketch time to teach her model how to walk. Unfortunately, she put too much mortar on her neck this morning and her head almost falls off.

Do everything but that part.

Knit Mike says that when you have to make clothes for a fat chick lots of stuff goes wrong. His sketch is just a big circle.

So rude.

Let’s go to Mood! Everyone starts to leave, but Knit Mike just stares at his giant dress form and complains about calories and stuff. When he gets to Mood, he decides that the best plan of action is to hide his model so no one sees her lumbering down the runway. He’ll buy upholstery fabric! You don’t think Nina will have a problem saying a couch looks fat? You got another thing coming, buddy.

Back at the workroom, he tells Wretch that he loves his models chunkiness and just wants her to feel good about herself when she’s put in the greenroom for people to sit on. Wretch quietly agrees and doesn’t manipulate him at all. Chunky Mike is trying to figure how to make this ugly bridesmaids dress even uglier, and Passy pats him way too hard and yells “see? Jew ees so taylandad!” How does being complimented by Passy feel, Chunk?

WAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Trandy and Other Asian (Or Other Puerto Rican. Damn interbreeding I just can’t tell anymore) Valerie talk about how they want to like Chunk but they just can’t respect him as a designer. Ok Valerie makes the same thing every week and Trandy has his tiny nuts taped into his butt crack. Raise of hands for how many of you respect their hack asses? I’m waiting. No one. See?

The editors have started tricking us with the Sidekick of Doom calls to home. First they changed the phone to a Droid something instead of a Sidekick. Then they changed it so the person who calls home doesn’t get sent packing. And now they’re getting rid of the phone altogether so we can see the satanic woman that dropped out Wretchen.

Honey have you made anyone hate you today? Good girl!

Wretch wahs about how life is more than fashion and she wants to go home where she can wear her bikini tops and split ends in peace. Her mom tells her to grow a pair, go to the dressing room, put on a full face of whore makeup, and give everyone who doesn’t ask for it her opinion.

I raised you to be frigid and obnoxious so I’ll have someone to take care of me when I’m old. Don’t let me down, you dry ended hippie!

Aw!

Christopher tells us that his heart broke for Wretch when Tim told her off cuz she doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body. Controlling bones? Malnourished hippie bones? Fake cry throw fat people under the bus bones? Yes. But otherwise she’s super sweet. Tim comes in and Wretch puts on her pasty hurt frowny face.

Pasty hurt frowny face.

Tim answers with his “I drank too much and got plowed by a busboy and want to pretend no one saw me” face.

I drank too much and got plowed by a busboy and want to pretend no one saw me face.

She answers with the “I’m just gonna imitate your face and stay quiet so you don’t go all Wendy Williams on me again” face.

I’m just gonna imitate your face and stay quiet so you don’t go all Wendy Williams on me again face.

He says that her umbre effect is great but the whole piece is too athletic. She says that his critique set off firecrackers of knowledge off in her head, and he says he’s here to help cuz he feels so close to them all. WTF? Hit her! He walks away gargling salt and garlic water. She tells us that a scar can turn into an open wound if you don’t let it heal. And an a-hole can turn into an absolute gash if you don’t tell it off. Aw, learning!

Chunky Mike is next. His model wanted a lace top and velvet side panels. Tim shudders and tells him the whole thing is terrible.

The “I Promised Myself I Wouldn’t Swallow” face.

 

Do you guys wanna know what Zombie Hivy has to say about Chunk’s work? Me neither. FF. Knit tells Tim that he wanted to change the shape but he didn’t know how to cover all this….he almost said fat heifer slut cake biatch but stopped himself. Tim says it’s an honor to make someone who’s not a size zero feel pretty and Knit asks if he can just send her a nice card attached to a box of Twinkies instead. He hasn’t done anything to the dress but add some couch fabric to the boob area. Well he says it’s upholstery. It looks like a window screen. He’s in troubs.

Mondo’s doing a pretty badass Pink Ladies dress which of course Tim loves. He says he sings “Summer Lovin” to his hairbrush every night before he masturbates and goes to bed. Mondo’s like “um………” Peach complains that she doesn’t like her pattern. What’s not to like? It’s Laura Ashley flower old lady couch print. My ass you don’t like it. Maybe if it was like bright orange or something.

Hivy tells Tim that her model wants to show off everything, and he says she should just make her a thong. Hivy laughs twitchily and then continues sketching while chowing down on GayJ’s calf. Tim hands her a paper towel and moves on. He loves what Passy’s doing! Kiss of death. I think he’s just being nice cuz he heard Passy’s got an immune wiener and let’s face it: Tim Gunn is a dirty whore these days.

Tim takes one look at Trandy’s tranny hooker dress and coos “that’s something I’d go clubbing in.” Keep it in your pants, Gunn. Gay children watch this show.

Other Asian is making a pink cheerleading uniform.

Tim says it’s as far away as fashion as you can get. Hee. Tim tells her to just get it presentable enough to not go home. Has he ever given that advice? Congrats on bringing Tim to a new low, OAV! Tim has a surprise! Instead of a runway show there will be a designer showcase with a hundred attendees that will vote on their faves. YAAAAY! Valerie is super afraid of “regular people”, and who can blame her?

I don’t mean you, sweetie.

 

On a sidenote, you know how gay guys start dressing a certain way and then a couple years straight guys steal our moves? Well, that’s happening in reverse. I blame straight guys for these shirts.

Reason #437 not to trust straight guys.

And I blame Native Americans for this look.

Reason #589 not to trust Native Americans.

Reason #984 for big girls not to trust Knit Michael.

April’s twig tries giving her more direction so April punches her in the face. Man things are getting real this season. Chunky Mike has done a pretty good job from the looks of it, but his model is insisting on the lace sleeves. I told you the skinny ones are always a pain in the ass. Here is proof of his not sucking before he goes and possibly ruins his dress:

Peach cut her dress wrong and begs Mondo for more help. He just stares at her for a long time before agreeing.

Is your face stuccoed? It’s freaking me out.

The next morning, Wretch is being super nice and telling her roomies to believe in herself and all that crap. Then she gets as bored as we all are and says they’re fine as long as they’re against Peach cuz her work is busted and “I don’t think she even knows who she is anymore!” Well, you hated her stuff before and you hate it now so what’s your point you skank? Besides, Peach totally knows who she is. She’s an adobe house.

Peach after three hours of face renovation.

Peach knows that she will be in the bottom but there are worse than hers. April says that her model is a little c word and hates her work, but she told the girl to zip it until after the show airs. Time to get ready for the barrage of real people judges!

Knit Mike’s work is fucking hideous, but he talks her into thinking it’s better. It’s so not. It makes her even fatter. That’s just not cool. Man, Tim wasn’t kidding when he said he was bringing in real people. These people are homelier than an actual home.

Real People

 

I love when real people get a chance to be on reality shows cuz they’re as shitty as possible so they might be featured. Amateur Attention Whores are always good for some entertainment. I hope someone calls Wretch out on her split ends.

At the gallery, Tim says that they need to wow the guests so they’ll get their votes. Peach does it by leaning and waving people over. Everyone looks afraid. Sample lady at Costco? Probably not a good alternate career for Peach.

Come on! I’ve got grits!

Let’s check out Other Asian Valerie’s work. Before it was ugly and unflattering, and after it’s ugly and unflattering. But now the model has pac man boobs.

Val says people are being nice but no ones voting for her. Chunky Mike’s dress? I can’t tell if it’s good or if it’s hideous. That means it will probably win cuz that’s FASHION!!! I can say that it’s a zillion times better than Valerie’s dreck.

Zombie Hivy made, shocker, Banana Republic sale rack cream colored capris. UGH. She’s so fucking terrible. Same. Thing. Every. Week. How many flavors of vanilla can there possibly be? And is that top all out of new fabric? I hope she gets called out on that. She’s not getting many buttons, but mostly cuz she bit off a little girl’s ear right in the beginning and now everyone’s super uncomfortable.

Wretchen got the hottest model and made her look homeless. I hope Tim comes by and pulls her hair.

Chunk points out that Wretch’s model has side boobs. Look who’s talking.

Trandy has done the best so far. His dress is unrecognizable. We don’t get to see his model’s head, but once was enough so thanks editors!

To prove that trannies can be just as sexist as any other man, Trandy leans over to his real people and says:

Thanks for the vote, toots.

April kicked some butt on this one too. I can’t believe that’s even the same dress. Unfortunately, the model can’t pee in it, so FAIL.

I hope there’s a bathroom here or I’m screwed.

Passy’s biggest fan is a fellow Puerto Rican, “ayn node eben cuz weer from da sayme conetree!” Before a couple of weeks ago I had forgotten that Puerto Rico was in America. At least I’m not the only one. The Puerto Ricans don’t even know. Capri pants and a loose top. It’s pretty, but meh.

Knit Mike is the plain worst here so far. He’s made the term The Biggest Loser un-empowering again. One chunky lady is so offended that she punches the model in the vagina.

We only see him get one vote, and it’s from a fat chick. She only compliments him on his model. LOL. You’re not voting for fatness. Take a few laps around the building and compose yourself. Peach’s top is kinda maybe cute, but the skirt kills it. There are also these olive pockets hanging off the blouse. Oh, Peach.

A sweet gay guy tells her she doesn’t look a day over thirty five when she complains about being the oldest. She whips out some handcuffs and puts him in the trunk of her car. I don’t blame her. That guy’s a keeper.

Mondo’s Pink Lady Funeral dress is pretty cute, and he’s getting a lot of votes. For the challenge it’s pretty creative but if I ever saw someone wearing this out I would start sobbing and asking what happened to Frenchie.

Zombie Hivy is scowling at all the votes Chunk has won. He sees her and tells her to go fuck her dead ass self in the sweetest way possible.

She runs up to Valerie to tattle tale. Apparently, Chunk has been telling the real people that she’s a zombie bitch and they need to protect their body parts from her. Valerie just nods sympathetically and takes a couple steps back. Hivy’s breath still smells like that little girl’s ear.

Well he could have given you a shoe that didn’t fit. Consider your blessings.

Valerie has heard that rumor from one of the real people too. LOL! I LOVE IT!!! GO CHUNK! Hivy says it’s totally unprofessional to sabotage her and her design stands for itself. Shot of two pins in her bowl. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh editors, marry me.

Now it’s time for the runway show. Ugh we have to watch this all again? Let’s play my favorite game! Which one of these people is a woman?

Let’s call it a draw.

That game was a bust, so let’s try and figure out what kind of English Hivy is speaking. “I don’t understand why he’s always trying to pick my buttons.” Wretch says he’s just trying to break her and Hivy says good luck without an axe to the brains. Chunk insists that he never said anything bad about Hivy. I don’t believe him for one second. If I did that would mean that I would be forced to like him less and that’s no fun. Hivy wants to confront him but says he’s not worth her energy. Um, really? Cuz all you’ve done is use your fabulous energy to complain about him to us for the past three or four weeks. I just think she knows that he can take a bigger bite off a person than she can and she’s a giant pussy. Either way, Chunk says that he plans on talking it out with her later. YAY!!

The designers go back to the workroom and get a chance to change stuff. NO FAIR! Tim comes in to tell them that all their real people models will get to take home GLAD products! WOWEE!! Um you guys? Trandy has Sanjaya hair.

Limited Edition Sanjaya Troll

In the sewing room, Chunk approaches Hivy and denies telling everyone she’s a zombie. He says she can talk to his model if she wants, and she blows him off. She tells us that she’ll let his character speak for itself. Character? LOL Hivy. You have child cartilage in your teeth. When he leaves, Wretch says “why did he come in here and say that in front of all of us?” Um, maybe because you guys are all talking about it behind his back you stupid twat. Knit Mike’s answer is “because he’s an idiot.” And you’re a fat person abuser. I wish Aunt Jemimah was here to beat his ass for stealing her look.

Aunt FemmeMimah

Hair and makeup time! BREAK! FF. Wretchen trying to teach her buff proud black model how to walk with attitude is…sad. It’s sad. How has she not been punched in the face yet? Mondo tells us in code that Knit Mike had to make a dress for a fat chick and no matter how ugly it is the judges will give him credit for not sending her out with a harpoon sticking out her side.

Lunch time!

Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out in her Chicago costume.

All Dat Jass

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi Guest Judge Cynthia Rowley!

Woah, Rowls. Step away from the plastic surgeon.

Mondo won the most votes in the gallery show! HOLLER MONDO! I can’t wait to see what little girl outfit he wears next week. Now let’s watch the show! Or not, cuz we’ve already seen everything. The best part of the runway show is when Nina covers her head as Chunk’s work walks, like it’s raining poo and she forgot an umbrella.

The only improvement I can see is on Knit Mike’s outfit, cuz he added a jacket. She takes it off and it’s back to fug. April, Hivy, Trandy, Wretchen, and Passy are safe. The rest are kept on the runway. Darn I was hoping April would get this. In the back room, the girls talk trash. Wretch rips Chunk apart and they all agree he’s in the bottom. He will probs win, just to spite those witches.

Knit is first. Rowley’s face says it all.

Kors says he took the dress from bridesmaid to bat mitzva and the dress looked better before. Nina calls it cheap. The big girl says that the dress is fun. Knit Jemimah is about to cry, but doesn’t. BOOOOOO. Kors thinks Christopher’s dress looks like two dresses put together. Rowley says it looks repurposed but beautiful. Nina likes the top half but not the short bottom. Kors compliments loves Peach’s model’s hair but that’s it. He calls the dress Holly Hobby and hates the avocado dinner napkins on the hips. She looks like she’s at the church bring a pot dinner. LOL he really hates it, and adds that she’s got an avocado goiter. He’s sure burning through a lot of bon mots for one critique. The model says she feels comfortable. LOL. Nina thinks it’s boring, weird and old. Takes one to know one, hag!

Nina loves the modern symmetry of Mondo’s work. Heidi congratulates him on getting rid of the shine, and Cynthia hates the hair but loves the dress. Kors shakes his head, speechless at Valerie’s dress. Then he says she turned the model into a nursing grandma. Cynthia thinks the backstraps are whorish, and Nina says the model looks like she’s about to feed a village and looks fat. Heidi says “I didn’t hate it as much as everyone else.” Um…thanks. Chunky Mike’s work is called edgy and hip and Heidi congratulates him on only making the model look like a hooker on the bottom part. Kors says it’s great and the styling is spot on. Cynthia appreciates that she can almost see the model’s vag. Well done!

In the back, Peach tells everyone that she was ripped apart hard. Knit Mike trembly voiced, says that he was ripped too. They sure loved Chunk though!

In alone time, the judges call Chunk’s work phenomenal and Heidi says it was so perfect because the other designers were so mean to him last week. They seem to like him the best. Christopher barely made it into the top three. Mondo did a good job but the style was “Snooki and the Flinstones”. LOL. Kors says Valerie’s dress was just wrong and Nina mouths “awful”. Rowley says it looks like a weird cartoon character. Heidi is mad that Knit Mike made his big girl look worse than before. They’re all super pissed about Peach’s work, so she’ll probs go home. Damn I was really rooting against Knit at this point. What a twat.

In the back, Chunk is still going on about how nice the judges were. HAHAH. When he leaves, Wretch is disgusted and says she doesn’t even know what she’s doing on the show if the judges like Chunk’s crap. You’re on the show because your personality is unabashedly terrible, for one. That’s always good for PR. Go Chunk go! Chunk wins! LOLOLOLOLLLLLL! Now Heidi’s just fucking with Wretchen and I love it. I don’t remember a season where there was interpersonal shit going on with the judges and the contestants. It’s amazing.

When he gets to the back room and announces that he won, Hivy snottily snaps “of course you did!” Wretch is disappointed that the judges aren’t complimenting her craftsmanship. Well your crappy attitude sure has their attention so keep it up witch. Mondo and Christopher are both safe. Other Asian Valerie is safe, so we have at least another week to guess her ethnicity. Peach and Knit are left. They get dissed some more and….Knit’s in! BOOOOO!!!!! Poor Peach! She sucked, but Knit was just shamefully terrible to the big girl and that’s a huge nono for gay guys. Also I was really looking forward to seeing the rest of Peach’s facial renovation. She’s super positive about her ouster, and Tim thanks her for teaching him how to say “you’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken!” Ha.

On her way out, Peach congratulates herself on doing so well at her age. She’s so Sally O’Malley right now. I’ll miss you Peach!! Next week, Valerie cries and Wretchen gets yelled at again!! YAAAYYYY!! See you then.

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I was all excited to see just how boring these jokers could get this week and something even more boring happened:

For real?

 

I’ve never sat down to watch football, so I figured now was the time. I had no idea what I was missing.

EW!!! Never mind.

This season, Ellen Degeneres is going to guest star on CSI!!!

And she’s killing a black guy!

Don’t feel so bad. She did the same thing to American Idol, buddy.

This shit is juicy and the episode hasn’t even started yet! Oh wait here it goes. Ugh. It’s only been two seconds and I’m exhausted. It’s like the snooze button. I keep pressing stop and then ten minutes later it wakes my ass up again.

Previously, Britney brought out her pussy and whipped Lane with it until he put HAYDEN on the block instead of her. I know it’s a little early to start making a Christmas list, but Dear Santa, for Christmas please give me a vagina. Love, Flipit. Seriously. Those things come in handy. At the very least, they allow you to sit and pee without people making fun of you.

Also previously, Gaygan “studied”, which was awesome cuz it gave him a chance to diss everyone from the season to the cameras. “Rachel’s the one with giant fake tits and bad skin that thinks she’s a chemist. Lane is the guy with hard fat who burps in the middle of sentences. Enzo is the guy who refuses to accept that he’s balding and talks like a shitty cartoon.” Jeeze Gaygan! Those aren’t gonna be questions.

Four: the number of times I’ve given Sally Field Oscar speeches right before winning nothing.

Five hundred: the number of times he told us how alone he feels. It’s just like being back in West Hollywood! You’re alone because you’re a hideous person. I understand cuz I suffer from the same problem. At least you’re thin! I don’t remember this part, but apparently PussyPussy knocked Gaygan over during the POV competition and Gaygan screamed like a girl. HAHAHAHAHAH.

Forget it! I’m stayin’ right where I am. It’s gonna take you and the police department and the fire department and the National Guard to get me outta here! – Norma Rae

It’s a pretty sure thing Gaygan’s going back to his sling in some dingy bar tonight, but it will be interesting to see if he can pull through and talk Lame into getting rid of HAY. Interesting or extremely time consuming and life wasting. Let’s find out! Speaking of leather slings, let’s say hi to our favorite domibotrix. I would call her hair flat but I’m afraid of getting a Criscoed fist up my cornhole.

You’re a mother now! Have some decency!

OK, I love Chenrianna Huffington, but something’s just off tonight. Hair? Flat. Nose? Pointy. Eyes? Crossed. At least wait til next season to bring on a new model, Grodner!

Who are you you drunk slut? Bring back my bot!

Hopefully, this new model will ensure a night of insanity and high stakes drama! The Brigade is fracturing, SlutBot tells us. Can HAY slip through Gaygan’s crack? What kind of question is that, bot? Who can’t?

HAY is pissed that Lame put him up, and you can tell cuz he’s yelling in the diary room. That’s also how you can tell if he’s happy, sad, or sleeping. PussyPussy’s back to his obnoxious cocky self now that he’s done sniveling like a three year old on the block, and he’s practicing making to go food into pretty swans with some tinfoil while Gagyan practices swallowing.

He’s positive that Gayg is going home, but Gay insists that he’s gonna fight! It looks like his idea of fighting is to totally rid himself of any kind of gag reflex.

In the HOH suite, HAY and PussyPussy cheer themselves on and then not so subtly try to talk Lane into turning against Britney. Not that that matters much now, but they’re looking ahead to next week. Lane thinks he has a shot of going to the final two and winning if he’s against Britney, so he’s obvs anti Duhgade at this point. Or at least they’re anti him. He just put them both on the block. Why would either one of them keep him safe if they get the chance? Will he be smart enough to have Britney vote against HAY and use the tiebreaker to oust him? I doubt it, cuz that would require some kind of thought. While we’re waiting for that to happen, let’s ponder on just how much like Cloris Leachman Gaygan is starting to look.

But less hot.

Gaygan approaches Britney and tries to get her vote. He tries to make her believe that Boobdon would vote for her over him, and she rolls her eyes. He keeps talking to her like she’s five, and she’s used to it so she just takes the time to wipe some boogars out of her eyes.

Mmmmhmmm. Tell me again the part about you being a fighter. No do the “I’m all alone!” monologue. No the fighter one. OK you pick.

She tells us that he’s making some strong arguments, but her vagina is kinda worn out from browbeating Lame. She’ll do some kegel exercises and if it starts working again she’ll get right on that whole saving him thing. She advises him to talk to Lame. He does, and he does it using his talking to a fucking moron tone. In this case though it’s fitting. “Do you wanna win or do you wanna lose?” Um, I wanna lose. Glad we had this talk.

Gaygan says that HAY and Pussy’s loyalties lie with each other and it’s time for Lame to make a big move and not go down in the BB history books as a totally clueless pussy that didn’t win one vote from the jury house. Lame gets it. At least I think that’s what this face means:

Lane knows HAY’s coming for Britney and that he won’t beat him in the final two. Will he turn on HAY? Way to make it interesting, Gaygan! Chenretha tries to entice us into coming back after the break to see Brendon and Boob City reunited. Dumbest move ever. I’d rather watch football again.

EW!!!! Never mind x 2

Let’s see some clips of the HGs dancing at random times throughout last night! That was pretty awesome, I have to say. HAY admits to being the worst dancer and says that no matter how much he tans he’s always the whitest guy on the dance floor that spits all over people the most when he talks. PussyPussy, are you ever gonna live down wearing the penguin costume in Jersey? He says he gave it swagger. I guess in Jersey swagger means crying like a little bitch cuz you can’t win one competition in weeks and keep yourself off the block. Whatevs. He finally won one. By pushing down a helpless little girl into the mud, but still. A win’s a win.

Britney goes off about how dirty the house was. Wasn’t it embarrassing enough that a quarter of an episode was devoted to cleaning out a fridge? Let’s just all ignore it and try to pretend the end of this season is amazing. Or we could listen to Gaygan squeal “you’re the dirtiest!” to Britney. Your choice. FF.

Let’s visit the Jury House! YAY!!! Boobs was first in, so she had the chance to rub her herpes all over everything to spite the people who voted her out. She thinks Matt will be first in because of her carbs note to Brendon way back when Brendon still had a shot in hell of winning this thing. Sheriff walks in and squeals, and then Boobs squeals. Then she gets pissed about the Diamond Power of Veto. They both yell and squeal and stuff. Then Sheriff says she feels like a victim in a crime cuz she didn’t have a chance to fight. Now you know how your eyelids feel.

The next week, Boobs says she hopes Princess Britney and Gaygan come in together so they can have three princesses and a queen. LOL. Boobs tells Sheriff that she doesn’t want anyone to mess with her man, and Sheriff reacts pretty much just like any of us would.

Rachel, honey, please stop sitting on my shoulder.

Matt is the next one in the house, and he enters right after Sheriff talks about how he broke her heart. The girls both squeal when he comes in, forgetting how they just two seconds ago talked about hating him. Sheriff feels kinda bad after all cuz Matt’s wife is dying of a bone disease. Sheriff forces him to apologize for ousting her, which he has to practice like five times. Then they watch a DVD of the show. Boobs squeals about what a moron Matt was for throwing the HOH comp. LOL. I miss Boobs. Matt laughs that he still feels like he’s in jail, and that’s when Boobs gives him her first “I’ll fuck you up” look of the night:

Then they watch Bredon get his head shaved. Boobs coos about how hot he looks, and Matt says he looks like a penis. In his defense, he probably meant it as a compliment. Boobs rolls her head and tells him not to mess with her man. This is one of the most consistent people I have ever had the pleasure of not meeting. Matt snarls while they watch Britney put Matt up, and Boobs says she’s lame and evil. They are hoping she’s out next, but it’s Brendon! Yaaayeeeew! Boobs doesn’t get up and squeal for Brendon. She’s PISSED. She was expecting that money. That whole missing her period thing is a lot less fun now.

OMG he does look like a penis.

Boobs finally gets up and hugs him, and she tells us that they have both fought sooooo hard to be there! HAHAHAHAH. If I wasn’t so lazy I would come up with a clip of her saying that over and over again. Matt sits everyone down to tell them something very serious. Oh no. He’s gonna tell them that the only thing is wife is sick with is a busted grill? How stupid is this guy? He cops to lying about his dying wife. Boobs’ jaw drops to the ground and Brendon unzips his pants. She smacks him and tells him to focus.

Sheriff starts yelling about how she’s a real sick person and she’s disgusted by his lying. She’s devastated! She’s a survivor! It wouldn’t hurt so much if she hadn’t survived CANCER! OMG it’s so hot in here. Turn on the AC it’s like a hundred degrees CANCER in here. Sheriff gets up to apply more mascara and brush her CANCER while Boobs decides to whip out a Shakespearean sonnet.

She had fuckin CANCER, k?

She tells Matt he’s the most horrible person she’s ever met in her whole life. And she’s a stripper from Vegas with enough fortitude and mouthwash to blow herself to a college degree. That’s saying something. She goes to hang with Sheriff, who is offended that he said he could relate to her cancer because of his dying wife. Boobs, with a huge smile on her face, says how wrong he was over and over. Matt claims he was gonna donate money to whatever the fake disease was, but he can’t name it at the moment. LOL. Boobs says he needs to gtfo of the room, and he refuses. She adds that he’s either worse than evil or Evel. I can’t tell. He’s not worse than either. Just shorter, dumber, and beaver teethier.

Back to the real show. Chenrique Iglesias asks Lane if he still trusts the Duhgade. He says that yes he does but he knew if he put Britney on the block they’d vote her out. He doesn’t wanna backstab anyone, but he’s here for half a million dollars. Cheniane Sawyer asks if he feels bad about lying to Brit about his alliance, and he says that he’s just been playing dumb as a strategy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Riiiiight. He also says that if he has the chance between the guys in the Duhgade he will take HAY to the final two. Well, thanks for the spoiler alert. CYA Gaygan.

Eviction time! Gaygan thanks his dad for being proud of his weirdest child. HA. Then he fakely says that if he’s evicted he’ll be waiting in the Jury House with “say it with me!”, no one does, “Oooey Gooey Yummy Scrummy Delicious Black Chocolate Balls!” Everyone looks embarrassed for him. Chenlisa tells HAY, “top that!” and he goes “not with your dick, Julie.”

He says he’s proud and loves everyone and blah. PussyPussy is first to vote. He, obvs, votes for Gaygan’s eviction. Britney votes to evict Gayg too. Damn. I wanted more Oscar speeches!! BOoooooooooo!!! When Chengis Philbin tells Gaygan he’s out, Gay hugs everyone quietly and spurts out some armpit sweat onto Pussy.

When Gayg leaves, everyone celebrates. Gaygan tells Chendilli Vanilli that he underestimated the bond of the remaining four, and it was dumb of them to vote him out. Why? I don’t know. He says that he knows that they all knew that if they took him to the final four he would have won. So why was it dumb to kick you out again? He’s ridiculous. He’s babbling nonsense, but with super raised eyebrows and big hand gestures.

Do you uuuuunderstaaaaand what I’m saaaaayingggg?

I really can’t stand that queen, so let’s take a break and ponder how much like My Favorite Martian Gaygan is starting to look.

But older.

I love when guys talk all big and tough while their feet don’t touch the ground.

Chenelope Cruz asks him why he didn’t try to get rid of the Duhgade and he blames Matt. While we’re on that subject, do you regret being friends with Matt? He says no and Matt’s an excellent human being. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh man poor Gaygan. I wish Matt kept the big secret til this coming week. With his twenty grand from the saboteur win he’s gonna get a hybrid or a BMW. If you don’t know that BMW has a hybrid you don’t deserve to have one. Get a Prius. It will be easier to crunch when I purposely hit you the first time I see you in West Hollywood.
Goodbye vids! Lame says he’s sorry that he’s out and Brit says she’s sorry he has to go listen to Boobs’ annoying cackle. LLB! PussyPussy comes on and says Gaygan’s a whiny little bitch and deserves what he got. Wow. Gaygan’s face drops faster than Pussy’s hair. You know, Pussy is one of the worst players we’ve seen in a long time. Part of me feels like well, he’s in the final four so that automatically makes him good cuz he can play the social game. And then he comes on and obliterates that week after week too. Seriously? HATE. Pussy ends by asking for Gaygan’s vote. HAY says Gayg is an “awesome representation of the gay community”. I think he meant Gayg’s an awesome representation of why people are so fearful of the gay community, but that’s a really long sentence for HAY so let’s just let it slide.

HOH comp! The backyard is a winter wonderland. It’s not too early for Christmas after all! I’ll have a vagina in no time! They have to put ornaments on a tree and get a star through chicken wire to the top first. Or something. I don’t ever understand wtf these games are supposed to be, so how bout I just tell you who wins? Brit keeps dropping ornaments and then flat out breaks one. DAMMIT. So the boys are just gonna sail through. Hayden is first to score a point. Britney can’t get one f ing ornament more than six inches up. DAMMIT BRITNEY! If you lose to Enzo you deserve what you get. We don’t get to see the end of this, but when the ep ends, Pussy has three, Brit has one, and HAY has five. F!!!

So that’s it. Were you as pissed by the predictability of this as I was? I have loved the season for the most part, but I don’t know how much for of HAY’s shouting, Lame’s bs down home bumbling, or Pussy’s Jersey Shore ripoff act I can take. I love ending these on a positive note. Can’t think of one, so let’s ponder how much like Sandy Duncan Gaygan is starting too look.

But less butch.

See you next week!

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-One hour of Jersey Shore not enough for you? Need to punish yourself a little more? MTV has heard your call Jersey Shore After Hours is back. Head to MTV at 11pm tonight and get an extra dose of GTL.

-Donald Glover is the only person on twitter you need to follow. Take a peak at this gem.

-Mad Men lovers rejoice Rolling Stone has made your favorite TV cast the cover of this month’s issue. Take a peak at their photo gallery here. It is lovely.

-Tim Gunn laid down the gauntlet on last week’s episode of Project Runway. Check out his personal vlog for even more insight.

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J.Lo’s Idol deal is almost finished! So, all the diva rumors were all allegedly just “rumors.”

I find it hard to believe that her diva behaviors were just rumors. J.Lo not being a diva is like saying Paula Abdul never takes pills. I think after that report came out, J.Lo probably got her sh*t together, and stopped being an a-hole b/c girlfriend needs a job!

TMZ reported that the negotiations have just been “typical negotiating.”

UGH. So it looks like it’s going to be a Randy Jackson, J.Lo, and Steven Tyler on that famous judges’ table.

So to that I say:

Don’t be fooled by my attitude that I got, I’m just, I’m just Jenny from the block. I used to bitch a little, now I bitch a lot…

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Omg, Paula Abdul has her own Youtube channel, and it’s amazing. Here she is doing a vlog about “Paula Abdul Week.” She talks in a third person, and our little princess is trashed on pills. It’s brilliant.

The best is at minute 1:31-She’s like, “what time is it? Oh it’s 2:09 in the morning! See what happens when it starts to get later? I start to getting very slap happy, because it’s been a long days.” yes, she say “days” as in plural. OMG, I love her so much I can’t get enough. I want a Paula Abdul pull string doll with her best drunk sound bites.

I want to know what her big news is that she’s keeping from us. Tell us Paula, tell us!!!

Here’s her amazing vlog:

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Did Danielle start the love child rumor? Is it true? If it is true, I’m sure it’s going to come out Jesse James/Tiger style, but in a Jersey fashion. Teresa told People re: the rumor, it’s “so crazy I laugh at them.”

For her sake I hope that it is a rumor, and if it’s not, I hope that she’s not in denial like she was with her financial problems. And, if crazy Danielle did in fact start that rumor, I know there will be hell to pay.

And commenting on her relationship with Joe, she said, “I look at him and I’m like, ‘Wow he’s hot!’ I think he feels the same way about me. I love his body, I love his muscles.”

Time will tell…but in other news the big gossip today is that Teresa’s sister-in-law, Melissa Gorga is joining the cast. Yup, the same sister-in-law that had the child that Teresa allegedly didn’t acknowledge (in addition to the love child rumor). Something tells me that this next season will be just as dramatic as the past two. Teresa’s going to go ape shit, and it’s gonna be rad.

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Wow Gasmii–

First, thank you for all the incisive Comments and wacked-out entries for our Where Are They Now contest. Because they’re still coming in as I type this (wearing only a cashmere Snuggie and a pair of ex-BF Martin‘s left-behind boxer shorts), I have extended the competition until next week. And the winner will receive a lovely prize after submitting their address to my private e-mail. Don’t open it in front of your children. Or anyone else’s. Next, as much as I would love to publish further photos of my ex-beloved underpants model, after receiving a strongly worded text (in Spanish, so I know he was really pissed) from the Uruguayan-Australian in question, I cannot.

You know a season finale sucks when the most exciting thing in it is the previews for RHODC. (I am personally riveted by Concentration Camp Barbie Michaele.) After watching Milania and Gabriella Jew-Dice, aka Feral Lemur and The Pretty One snot their way across Italy, we were just marking time until this Reunion show. So let’s jump right in and watch Miss Thing Andy Cohen give Barbara Walters a run for her money with his own personal The Shrew.

“We’re here at the fabulous Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa in Atlantic City,” Miss Thing carefully plugs. Bravo has definitely snazzed things up since the days when he used to corral the Orange County harpies into a public-access TV studio to try to make them cry. Teresa is introduced first, in a garish Look At My Tits dress that I might wear in Puerto Rico if I wanted to get raped. Teresa has a New York Times bestseller. It’s only a cookbook, but it still heralds an upcoming Apocalypse.

Next is red-sequined Jacqueline. Miss Andy asks if she’s “ready for tonight”, as if she’s still pregnant like last time and in danger of miscarrying all over the couch.

Andrea then turns to his right, asking Caroline what’s “different” about her. She says she lost 25 pounds through “portion-control”, which has succeeded in making her look tired and haggard, I’m super-sorry to report.

Perhaps every time someone mentioned Danielle, she skipped a meal. Speaking of La Staub, she’s been positioned next to Caroline, who’s keeping so much couch-distance between them, she’s almost in the Nickel Slots room. Danielle’s in a boob-compressing cream top (you hush now) and showing a lot of forehead.

She calmly accepts Annette’s compliments– she has a new single to go with her new sex tape. You can already tell she’s just itching (Gasmii, please) for a fight.

And she gets her chance when Anna starts things off by asking what the women think of Jersey Shore and Teresa says she’s “not too fond of it”, citing a “girl” on the show who slept with a guy she just met. Teresa’s “old school” and believes in “getting to know someone” before hopping into bed with them, “unlike certain people in this room”. What an oddly random way to set up calling Danielle a hooah! And Teresa’s not done. She says Danielle “can relate” to Snookie and her easy pals, since Dani slept with loser Jew-Dice friend Steve a week after meeting him in Teresa’s long-foreclosed upon shore house “in fronta yah kids”. And here I was thinking we were here to discuss THIS season’s shenanigans. Obviously, and delightfully, apparently anything is fair game tonight…

Danielle, whose meds have clearly been expertly adjusted, sedately dismisses Teresa as “insane”. “You’re a pig. Lookit yahself,” Teresa retorts. “Yah disgusting and yah desprit.” Antoinette reminds them that they used to be friends “at the beginning of Season One“. Danielle isn’t sure about that but then says she THOUGHT Teresa “was a great girl”… however Danielle doesn’t “appreciate anyone talking about MY private life in public.” There’s a great way to prevent that, sweetie. DON’T BE ON A FUCKING REALITY SHOW. Jacqueline pipes up, saying that Danielle was “straddling” Steve in full view of Teresa’s and Danielle’s own kids. Big deal– when I was 6 I walked in on my grandmother’s maid blowing two of my cousins. And I turned out fine.

Amber gets the conversation back on track by introducing a Jerseyisms/malaprops/illiterate-twats montage: “cleavelage” (Teresa); “ethninticity” (Danielle); “therapeutical” (Danielle); plural of woman: “woman” (Dan-Dan); “stanky” (Teresa); “revonavated” (Jew-Dice). Anita nails Danielle for the “woman” thing, which she shrugs off after unsuccessfully trying to repeat “women” after Anthea. In a touching gesture of dumb-cunt kinship,Teresa volunteers that she uses the term “sangwich”. Teresa and Danielle agree that they like having their own language(s), and Teresa proudly proclaims that she’s “not going to change for anyone”. All I can say is: your poor fucking book editor.

What about the Housewives’ children, Alberta wants to know. How has “their notoriety” affected them? Danielle says that both her daughters are regularly recognized, especially “active” teen model Christine, who must get daily offers to spirit her out of Danielle’s clutches into a healthy foster family (come on Chemgal, step up!). Agnes then brings up Jacqueline’s & Teresa’s new babies, Nicholas and Tawdriana (hey, that sounds like a really classy Russian porn novel), cuing a yawny pregnancy/infant montage, the highlight of which is Teresa’s obsessive need to cover Tawdri’s newborn head with miniature Norma Desmond-wear.

Time for audience questions, Alice’s favorite way to get in passive-aggressive digs at the divas. “Barbara From Syracuse” wants to know why Danielle didn’t call Jacqueline after Nicholas was born. Danielle says that Jacqueline made it clear “in a publication” that Danielle was to stay far away from her kids. Jacqui quickly interrupts to say that they “made peace” after that, but still no love. “Congratulations, Jacqueline,” Danielle wearily deadpans, “he’s very beautiful and I wish you all the best.” Caroline shakes her head darkly and fantasizes about the buffets downstairs. Angela asks Teresa why she chose Dina as Tawdriana’s godmother. Apart from the pricey gift-giving factor, of course. Teresa just loves Dina so much and “now this makes us family”. And what better spiritual role model for a young girl than a gold-digging lynx-eyed ex-manicurist who flounces around town in designer nighties.

Apple says Dina isn’t here tonight– how does that feel, ladies? Caroline says that even though “a piece of the puzzle is missing”, “WE” get to go home and see her, because she’s a big part of OUR life. Abigail asks Teresa why Dina left the show, “is it because of Danielle?” Bingo. Now Astrid must bring up “an accusation” from the end of the Season One reunion. In case we forgot, we get a handy flashback: On the ridiculous sky-blue and heaven-white set that looks like it was borrowed from Praise The Lord, a sobbing Caroline tells Danielle “what you did is so disgraceful, you are garbage and you will nevuh be a frienda mine!” The prevailing Gasmii theory is that Dani had an affair with Dina’s husband (and Caroline’s brother-in-law) Tommy Manzo, which, if true, makes all of Danielle’s attempts to friendly up to the Manzo-Lauritae extra-creepy.

“What happened?” Adeline demands tonight, on this episode. Danielle says that it was about Dani supposedly trying to “have [Dina's] daughter taken away from her”, which Daffi vehemently denies as Caroline shakes her head in mildly disgusted disbelief. “I don’t think she’s an unfit mother,” Danielle insists, bewildered. “Let’s not talk about unfit mothers,” Teresa snips. Jacqueline accuses Danielle of “putting a silencer” on Dina “so she couldn’t talk, legally, or something?” Editors, make sure to save that for next year’s shitty-English montage. Come on, Jacqui! You married a guy whose sister’s father-in-law got whacked by the mob. I think you should know the difference between a silencer and a gag order.

Danielle slyly admits that her “attorneys” might have silenced Dina, after Blondie “lied in a 4-page interview”. Where? Hairless Cat Fancy magazine?! “We can’t talk about it! End! Done! Next!” Caroline barks. Danielle ignores this, gleefully telling Jacqueline “it was very wise of you to point that out, cuz I’m gonna hafta clarify.” Danielle repeats that she never tried to have Dina’s daughter taken away from her. “Do. Not. Speak. Of my sister!” Caroline yells. This commences a fierce spat of bickering with everyone cackling at the same time and Caroline restraining herself from choking the life out of her sofa-mate.

Amy stirs the pot, asking about this alleged gag order. Danielle says her lawyers did it to stop Dina “from talking about things that were not the truth.” Jacqueline suddenly becomes very animated, insisting that “we know more than that” and “we have much more proof on what you did… you don’t know what we know and you’re sticking your foot in your mouth and one day it’s gonna come out”– the foot or the truth?!– “and you’re gonna regret it!” Danielle says that’s “ridiculous” and she has nothing to regret “because I didn’t do anything”. Jacqueline orders Danielle to shut up about Dina. Danielle gets louder and tells Jacqui not to tell her to shut up “when I’m defending myself!” “You’re a piece of garbage!” Jacqueline squeals, going for the tried and true.

This might be a good time to refresh your cocktail or pop a few painkillers (what? it’s a special occasion) because it’s about to get good. Really, really good. Virally good. Aisha innocently suggests they get back to discussing babies. Teresa immediately calls Danielle “disgusting” for not acknowledging Nicholas. Danielle: Did you acknowledge YOUR nephew? There seems to be some weird audio-editing going on in order to bring us to what happens next. First, Teresa snaps “Of course I did.”

Then Jacqueline, twisting her rings, says “Yes! Yes!” Then something snaps in Teresa’s testicle-size brain and suddenly she’s on her feet and past Altovise and up in Danielle’s face shrieking “DO NOT bring up my family!” Caroline actually grins as Teresa goes bat-shit loca: “You f*cking c*nt! Do not bring up my family! You f*cking bitch!”

Aileen stands up and tries to pull Teresa away but she keeps screaming at Danielle: “You piece of sh*t! You f*cking bitch! You motherf*cker! [unintelligible roar as she shoves Annabelle down into his chair]“.

At this point, Danielle gets up and starts walking offstage. T: “You are a piece of GARBAGE!” Apollonia tries to wrangle Teresa by telling her to “come here” like she’s his cockapoo rescue. He grabs Teresa’s arm as she calls Danielle a fucking bitch twice more, screams “I hate her!” and hurls a throw pillow at her! Danielle is long gone but Teresa can’t stop screeching epithets: “She’s a pig! She’s a f*cking c*nt!” and the ever-popular “She’s a f*cking piece of garbage!” Antonia, who has never come this close to being inside a woman before, holds Teresa back as Jacqueline is caught smirking on the couch. Caroline decides to step in and, hilariously, puts Teresa’s mouth between her fingers in a vain effort to shut her vituperative trap. Teresa’s response to this? “BWAAAAAARRHHHH!”

And we’ll be right back!

Just, wow. Whatever this nephew business is, it would have made a great season finale. The soap opera writer in me would love to think it’s tangled up in the Dina-Danielle secret, creating an incestuous glob of hot throbbing trash any reality show would kill to exploit. The good news is that this shocking display of Teresanation means, as certain wise Gasmii have Commented, that if they haven’t already, Feral Lemur, The Pretty One and possibly Gia Zadora if she doesn’t watch her ass, will be receiving the terrible beatings they so richly deserve. And is it any wonder Juicy Joe turns to hung young twinks for a little relief? It’s only been 13 minutes, and already this has surpassed every other hag party Augusta Cohen has ever thrown. Remember the late 80′s, when Bravo was an art-film channel? SIGH…

The break’s over and Teresa has barely simmered down enough to grunt full English words. We get a glimpse of Angelyne’s TelePrompTer with some tripe about a bravotv.com poll, momentarily abandoned as the producers try to regain control of the show. Teresa is still spluttering “piece of garbage” over and over as her hairstylist, the non-Danielle Wives, Aurora and a couple of pixillated security guards try to calm her. “She’s crazy,” the beautician helpfully tells Teresa RE: Danielle, who’s smugly pacing nearby, bust bulging proudly, looking like a 1-900 commercial. “I’m waiting… for YOU. For face lifts, press 2! For square tits, press 3!”

“I can’t bring up something that’s the truth, but they can sit collectively and lie about me?” Dani rhetorically asks the cameraman. “It’s true,” she shrugs. “She didn’t acknowledge her nephew.” Teresa hears this and says “I wanna know who da f*ck she’s talkin to!” The hairdresser says something strange about Teresa “being at the hospital with your kids”. ???? Caroline warns Teresa that T just gave Danielle “what she wanted”. Jacqueline, who apparently hasn’t budged from the couch, maybe because her dress has been safety-pinned over her big caboose, says that Danielle’s “gonna keep whinin tonight– let her do it. Who cares?” Not you, honey, that’s for sure.

Athena speaks to Danielle, asking if she’s “okay”. Danielle refuses to go back on-camera with Teresa after Mrs Jew-Dice “was allowed to get in my face like that?” Annifrid says he “pulled [Teresa] away”, but Danielle thinks she “could have quite possibly been hit”. Yeah, by the ugly stick and no possibly about it. “Someone needs to be on her. If she moves her ass off that couch, again, I’m leaving.” Ashlynn promises “not to let her get up”. Right on cue, Teresa yells “You better get her back here, Alexa! The chickensh*t that she is, she runs away! Get her ass back here!” Alanna calls for order: “Listen to me! You can’t get off the couch.” Teresa tells him she won’t hit Danielle, “believe me”. Why the hell not? It’s not like you have any assets she can sue you for. Ainsley ain’t kidding: he tells Teresa she cannot leave that couch! She promises.

Backstage, Eric, Danielle’s Gay Hair Bear, straightens Madame’s extensions and clucks over Teresa’s behavior. Danielle wants Lori, her “music partner”, within “ear and eyeshot”. Who is this Lori, you might be asking. Apparently quite one bad-ass songbird, since Caroline, back on the couch, is telling Aaliyah that when the ruckus broke out, “they hadda hold her back” from coming “after” Teresa. Danielle’s make-up artist begs her not to cry as Dani bravely holds back the tears. “She’s such an animal,” La Staub saubs. Hair Bear reminds Dani of her affirmation “Amazing things new beginnings”, which she hilariously repeats, desperately reaching deep inside, way past the boob-damage, for the love and the light.

Caroline, going for a bit of comedy herself, advises Teresa to “be smart”. But “she’s goin afta my familee,” Teresa says. “You’re not this person. I’ve never seen this person except when she’s around,” Caroline tells her. “I know!” Teresa says, shrugging in amazement. “Cuz if you were this person, I wouldn’t be your friend,” Caroline assures her table-flipping pal. Alejandra nauseatingly tries to make lemonade out of Teresa’s nasty lemons by telling her how “strong” she is.

You really threw me off you good, he says, then, like a typical gay, asks her if she works out. He reminds Teresa “just don’t cross me”, referring to both his position on the set and his immense power at the network.

Danielle shares hugs and love you’s with her glam squad and then makes her re-entrance onto the set. Caroline refuses to look at her. “We’re back,” Alison tells us, eager to return to the deadly-dull non-nephew baby chat. “Kathy From Livingston” asks Jacqueline if she ever “thanked” Danielle for introducing Jacqui to her “fertility doctor”. So Danielle’s womb is barren and inhospitable– que sorpresa! A simple question for which a yes or no would suffice, but Jacqui, eager to get the bashing re-lit, declares that Dani did introduce her, but only went to one appointment with her and then claimed she went to every one. “So what, Rumpelstilskin, do I owe you my child now?” Jacqueline bitches. “Do you think you got me pregnant?!” Danielle’s pretty narcissistic, so that might be a yes.

Alma gets back to the electronic cue cards and the stupid online poll, which was about which NJ Housewife you’d want as your mother. “A whopping 70% said Caroline!” And a full 100% said they’d prefer the deranged cooze who drowned 5 kids in the bathtub over Teresa. Caroline modestly claims to be surprised by this, she’s not Super-Mom. Teresa yanks down Caroline’s Spanx and inserts her tongue a full rectal inch: “Her kids are in their 20′s and she did an amazing job.” It’s true, it’s been a whole two decades and they’re still alive. Mazel! Danielle received 3% of the vote. LOL. She says she’ll let her kids speak for me. “Or their father,” Jacqueline interjects, trying to start shit. Sadly, it’s time for another commercial.

And another plug for Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa of Atlantic City. Arielle’s next scintillating topic, the “not-so-sanitary” Ham Game, which, in case you went online to look for a Vicodin connection, involves Caroline’s grown children pelting slices of proshoot at each other. I don’t know about you, Gasmii, but the only ham I want to see sex-bomb Albie Manzo slamming is my own. For the record, Danielle doesn’t appear to find this game funny, either. This segues into a schmaltzy B.S. clip package about Caroline’s empty nest syndrome (except her kids all STILL LIVE AT HOME) and her desire to be closer to newly slim husband Albert. And Albie getting thrown out of law school due to “learning disabilities”. Come to Hollywood, carino… I bet I can teach you LOTS.

“Still gets ya, huh?” Alondra has the nerve to ask weeping Caroline after that shamelessly manipulative montage. OMFG, Teresa please start screaming again. Danielle proves she’s not a soulless she-husk by calling for “some tissues”, a request she probably makes a lot. Caroline says Albie “could become the President of the United States and that’d still get me, cuz he doesn’t deserve dat. He’s a good boy.” I’d like to elect him President of My Vagina. As you know, that office is wide open. Shut up, Gasmii.

“Linda From Pinehurst” asks if Caroline & Albert “have ever had a rocky time in your marriage”. Of course, every marriage has rocky times. Teresa, you’re married to a closeted moron … you’re missing a golden opportunity to lose your shit! Alyssa mentions that we learned that Caroline has a beauty secret– she shaves her face, neck and decolletage with “soap or lotion” in order to exfoliate. She clarifies that she does NOT have facial hair: “I’m not a monkey.” Teresa? I’m sure Danielle must have told some local magazine that you and half your offspring are apes– c’mon, let her have it! And… nada. I’m not sure this reunion needed to be 3 hours long.

“Marie From Kentucky” tries to liven things up by calling Caroline a hypocrite “to insult” Danielle for being “a stripper”, yet supporting less-hot-bit-still-fuckable Christopher’s dream of opening a strip-club/carwash. Caroline smilingly denies making that insult– she doesn’t have a problem with strippers. Or even prostitution, she adds, getting in a nice 7-point passive-aggressive dig at Danielle. “Tracy From Seattle” has a question for Danielle: is she living her modeling and/or singing dreams through her kids? No. Ada asks if she’s a stage mother? No. Cue “Jersey Kids” clip package. Plenty of talent-free Gia Zadora here, plus Danielle being a whorendous stage mother, but no Feral Lemur or The Pretty One! Bastards. I’m referring to those kids.

“Chelsea From Livingston” (where the fuck is Livingston? is that what they call the intern cubicle at Bravo??) wants to know how Danielle could dismiss Gia as a potential super-model when she’s only 8? Um, just a guess…

she’s fugnacious?!?

OK, maybe it’s about to get interesting. Danielle sticks by her “only 4-foot tall” reasoning, then smarmily adds that “I hope she becomes everything she wants to be.” Especially an orphan, right, Dani? Oh, BTW, that’s feet, not foot. Are we sensing a pattern here? And Teresa… I think Danielle just brought up your family! Clock Assumpta unconscious and rip that Chinese child-slave hair OUT OF DANI’S HEAD!

Finally, some action: An unidentified viewer or non-union reality show writer asks Teresa to comment on Danielle’s snarky comment about dressing her children in lace and crinoline and her dogs in leopard. Teresa, seeing bright bordello red, demands to know what Danielle meant by that. Since Teresa’s IQ is as low as her hairline. “I have leopard clothing for my dogs,” Danielle replies with infuriating casual grace. LMAO. “So whaddya tryin to say, dat you dress yah kids betterin my kids?!” Caroline cleverly deduces that Danielle was “comparing [the Goils] to animals”. Danielle, loving this, calmly denies. “You’re being phony!” Jacqueline snaps. Teresa looks angry and confused.

Moving on. Anais calls Caroline out for saying “Danielle’s girls had no light in their eyes. Do you regret saying that?” No. Instead of child-like innocence and happiness and light, Caroline sees ” a blank stare” when she looks at the Staubettes. And she’s not gonna take it back or “blame it on editing”. Wow, listen to Cecil B DeManzo over there. Danielle remains sociopathically sedate but gives us a giggle by using the words “happinesses” and “sadnesses” to describe her close emotional bond with those poor, poor girls. Hateful Ho-Bag Jacqueline chimes in, asking Danielle “Do you know they cry at school every day?” Jacqui explains that the teasing and filthy rumors drive Christine and Jillian to tears “in the nurse’s office”. Well, that I believe. Danielle dismisses it by saying “they’re growing… they’re teenager and tweenager.” I just an icy chill down my spine. She is SUCH a sociopath she can’t even admit that her hideous onscreen behavior MIGHT have some effect on her daughters.

Buzzkill!

Oh, wait. When asked about the unsettlingly frank conversations she often has with her kids, Danielle admits to “sometimes” regretting “what I discuss with them”, but tosses in a barb at Jacqui about HER conversations with Ashley, which actually suck for completely different reasons. Anoushka now turns the spotlight on Teresa and I’m hopeful but, since that dog-clothing gambit went nowhere, a little skeptical. First, a softball question from “Pam From Maine“: Do Italians really believe women on the rag need to stay away from the spaghetti sauce vats? Don’t be so smug, “Pam”. I dated a guy from Maine back in the day and up until the mid-70′s people in his hometown (Fort Kent) believed that if a pregnant white woman got scared by a black man, that’s what color the baby would come out. I love that long ago some chocoholic slut went down to Connecticut, cheated on her husband, came home, gave birth to a bouncing biracial bambino, improvised this theory and had everyone in Aroostook County buying it. Teresa nods very sincerely, “that’s what they say in Italy… and also, Joe makes wine, same thing.” Mmmm-hmmm. That’s what he tells you so evry 28 days he can take a few cocks in the privacy of his “winery”. Idiot.

Do you care what Teresa’s favorite recipe is? Didn’t think so. “Josh From Houston” asks if due to their “financial trouble” she “felt guilty” for accepting the “bad-ass diamond ring” Joe thoughtfully plopped into her dessert on her birthday. Let’s it get it right, Texas Gays, it was her anniversary. And it wasn’t no dyemun, it was a “yellow sapphire cocktail ring”. As opposed to Asian male escort Yellow Sapphire’s cock-ring, which he often loans Juicy so fleeting thoughts of Teresa don’t soften up their good time. Caroline, who needs to go volunteer someplace if she’s memorizing Teresa’s gaudy gifts, points out that the big rock was indeed a sapphire and not a diamond. “Hello, dat’d be like half a million dolluhs!” Teresa scoffs, as if she’s not currently in debt for 22 times that amount.

But it creates an easy segue into the major Jew-Dice brokeness discussion. Which is preceded by a DELICIOUS clip package of Teresa’s out-of-control spending, starting with the Goils running rampant through some overpriced tot boutique and going on to include such sickening faves as Gia Zadora’s pink-limo Ecchy 8 birthday party, the obscene “housewarming” and christening bashes (BTW, is it me or does Villa Foreclosa look like a tackied-up double-wide??) and Joe’s DWI, clearly linking the vagina-hating vintner’s alcoholism to his wife’s shopping addiction. Nice nice work, editors.

“Kathy From Chicago” wants to know once and for all if Villa Foreclosa is really in foreclosure. “No, it’s not,” T insists. “Are you fearful that will happen?” asks Agnetha. Teresa says she has her husband and her “four beautiful daughters” and that’s all she needs. Wait, so you have two kids we’ve never seen tucked away in that cavernous joke of a house? April cites The New York Post, rattling off fun facts and figures: The Jew-Dices filed an $11 million bankruptcy last year, including $100,000 in credit card debt (which seems low), $20K to “Bloomingdale’s, Neiman-Marcus and Nordstrom“, $2.6 million in mortgages, $5.8 million for Joe’s all-male porn bills failed businesses, $12K in “fertility treatments” (eeeuw)… Teresa half-heartedly interrupts, denying that she owes department stores $100K. Well, that’s not what Alphina just said– clean the Aqua Net out of your ears.

Ashanti tries to sort fact from fiction: the Jew-Dices DID file for bankruptcy, but Teresa says “a lotta whatchoo jus’ said is inkarect.” Anjanette asks if Joe “clued you in” to how broke they were getting. No. Jacqueline tries to help, indicating that all husbands tell their wives to spend less money. Yes, in 1950′s stand-up routines. Teresa hilariously claims that she DID try to economize, and that she was making her own money. HOW?! Do you have your parents chained in the basement doing telemarketing? (“Dissa Giacinto, how you like-a to save-a big big money on you longa diztanza?”) Annabeth tries to get Teresa to admit she has “regrets” about Joe stressing out over all this. “No! I commend him fuh dat,” she says. He was trying to “protect his family”, you see. And she certainly isn’t “mad at him”.

Teresa says she’s “adjusted my lifestyle” and stopped “buying Gia everything she wants” (Ava’s words). Luckily, the Goils don’t “get their love from materialistic things”, they get it from “me’n Joe”. She’s constantly telling the little trolls how much she loves them (cut to Caroline beaming like a klieg light). Of course, Feral and TPO are probably whining too loud to hear any of it. And BTW, talk is cheap– whichever sage Gasmi Commented that we’ve never seen Teresa in an emotional, caring moment with ANY of these kids in 2 years was so right-on. Even little Tawdriana is nothing but a tiny dress dummy for her monstrous mama. More support from Jacqueline– “the second” Teresa found out the Jew-Dices were ruined, “she’s been workin her butt off” with “appearances every night”. So selfless. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE’S CHILDREN GOING TO THINK WHEN THEY GROW UP AND WATCH THESE FUCKING EPISODES?!?!

Ardena brings up the fact that everything in Teresa’s home was recently photographed and put online in preparation for The Big Liquidation Auction. What was that like? “I haven’t seen it,” Teresa quickly replies, obviously still in Shopaholic Denial. “I don’t read the negative things that people put out there regarding us.” Huh? Who– those negative, libelous auctioneers? Danielle gloats a little as Teresa denies being in denial. You might lose your dream house, Anissa baits. Teresa sets him straight (so to speak): she and Joe didn’t grow up wit no silver salami in their mouths, they’re self-made ex-millionaires and they will be again. I hate to think that she’s just enough of a horrorshow to remain constantly and lucratively employed in the cesspits of reality TV. But she is. Por Dios.

“Joe From Annapolis” asks if Joe’s accident was a result of “stress over money troubles”. Teresa makes a face– utter pish-posh! And how ’bout that whole accident dealie? What’s the scoop? She and Juicy were out to dinner and “he was NOT drunk”. Jacqueline fervently backs this up, making me wonder exactly what she has to lose in all this. In case you missed the ultra-wacky, uber-suspicious official explanation, Joe became sleepy while driving home alone from a restaurant, plowed into several trees, emerged unscathed from the wreckage, found himself across the street from a family friend’s house, went in, started slamming back whiskey (Teresa: “He was all shooken up!”), got drunk, met the cops and got busted. Right. Marc Cherry could come up with a better scenario.

Teresa seems to attach some significance to the fact that they “got the ticket in the mail [accompanying RuPaul hand gesture] a week later.” Um, that’s what happens when you get a ticket. They send you a copy in the mail. I think Joe got a ticket on the spot , then panicked and hid it from her. But, Arletty clarifies, the incident WAS definitely labeled a DUI. Go figya! Adia turns to Danielle, who’s been making “bitch please” faces throughout, and asks about her “skepticism” regarding the matter. Danielle coolly expresses her gratitude “that no one was hurt”, but finds it very hard to believe “you go get wasted after you have a car accident.” Teresa reacts as follows:

Caroline says it’s not hard to believe. Teresa amusingly repeats the phrase “shooken up”.

Alisha asks Danielle if she considers herself “a troublemaker”. She very reasonably agrees that yeah, she has her moments. Cue a “Victim VS Villain” Dani clip package replete with campy highlights suitable for playback in any of Joe’s favorite bars. Blessing from old black priest , “devout Catholic“, sex tape, masturbation tape, stripper-pole lessons, “not a whore”, “not garbage”, pocket-felon, Kim G, love and light. Adella asks Danielle to explain her “friendship” with tiny parolee Danny. “Weren’t you friends with his wife first?” Jacqueline rudely interjects. “During the first 2 weeks of taping, he filed for divorce,” Danielle says. Teresa: I wunda why! Was there anything sexual between Dani and Danny? “Never has, never will,” Daffi scoffs. “There was,” Jacqueline corrects, in the passive-aggro sweet voice she’s been using all night.

Jacqueline & Teresa “heard” Danielle and Danny fucked and that’s why his marriage ended. “I don’t care what you heard… that’s disgusting!” Danielle snips back. That’s a little harsh. I mean I wouldn’t fuck him, but come on. How many friends do you have left, Staub? “Juanita From Florida” (who might be my cousin) asks how Danielle can afford to hire bodyguards and throw a Sweet 16 party but can’t do any home repairs? “Pay attention,” Danielle groans. She did NOT pay for the Sweet 16. Everything was donated because it was a charity event. Danielle only paid for security and “busing” to eliminate DUI’s. Take that, Jew-Dices. Anitra asks what Dani meant when she described herself as “a born-again virgin”. That she was “refraining from sex… past tense.” So Cafe PW is open for business. Cue repulsed reactions from the other three.

Danielle says she was abstinent “so I could work on myself.” Which brings us to her new single with “lesbian superstar Lori Michaels“. Excuse me, WHO?! The Ellens (DeGeneres & Page) are lesbian superstars. (Neither of which I can stand.) Lori What’s-her-muff? Not so much. But I guess it’s supposed to be a big bombshell that Danielle’s dyking it up with Ms Michaels. She’s irritatingly coy about it, especially as far as Caroline seems to be concerned, but basically admits it to Adria, who accuses non-confirming Dani of “flaunting your sexuality in the media”. More coyness: Danielle claims to have become “a character. We’ve all been edited into these characters,” she muses as Caroline looks like she just ate a bad clam. (No pun intended. Really.)

Caroline gladdens Arabella’s heart by declaring that editing can only be blamed “for 1% of what goes on”. What ya see is what ya get wit Caroline, capeesh? Almanta (it’s a real name– the actress who sublet our teen model pad in Rome was named Almanta Keller, I swear) weakly tries to start some Carmelo-Daffi fireworks by referencing Danielle’s blog criticizing Caroline for criticizing strippers. This is extra-lame since we already heard Caroline say she’s got nothing against the Nomi Malones of this world. But Annamaria quotes Dani calling Caroline a “jealous” “bully” in need of a “make-over”. Nobody would have “looked at” Caroline “on a stage or off”. Caroline responds with a rousing speech about “a man that loves me 26 years” (God Bless, Danielle hollas). Caroline says she has been rock-steady throughout the show, but Danielle is “Mr Toad’s Wild Ride“. Caroline is a good and strong person with a happy house and plenty of integrity. And Danielle’s opinion of her “means less than nothing”. Danielle has no response to this and haughtily turns back to Altoona…

Who then mentions the “two sex tapes”. One features Jew-Dice pal Steve and according to Danielle, was lensed without her permission. “Not true,” Teresa protests. Aretha notes that Steve is now suing Danielle for defamation of character. I’m not making this shit up. Artemis correctly guesses that Dani’s legal bills must be huge, then mentions the OTHER sex tape which is currently available for purchase (from Hustler, god help those Staubettes) and which Danielle says she did not release and is not getting paid for, despite her starring role. Jacqueline & Teresa salivate over her shame as we learn that Danielle “knew of its existence” but couldn’t afford the extortion fee to prevent it from being released.

Acencion gossips that this was a semi-professional amateur porn and was shot by “a third party”. Danielle denies it, but Jacqueline, who will only admit to seeing “a preview” of the smutty sensation, says that it seems to have been strategically shot by someone else who was careful to avoid showing faces or mentioning names. But this could of course just be Jacqueline being a mega-cunt. A minor skirmish breaks out about exactly when this scandalous sin-fest was shot: Danielle says “years ago”, Caroline says “in August”, which Dani allegedly admitted in “an interview”. Teresa, always last to comprehend anything, tries her hand at detective work by attempting to establish the length of Danielle’s extensions in the XXX-rated epic in question. You go, Columb-ho. Maybe Bravo can get a court order for the clip-in hairpieces and carbon-date the DNA deposits.

For the record, Agrippina also heard Dani was taped sexing last fall, and so did Teresa. What kind of example is Dani setting for her kids? Teresa spits. “Are you kidding me?” Danielle yells. “No, I’m not kidding you!” Teresa screams back. Why does Teresa think she knows anything about Danielle’s private life, Dani dubiously demands. “You tawk about me constantly– it’s all you tawk about!” Danielle squawks. “BITCH, I don’t tawk about you!” Teresa ridiculously shrieks. D: Ya doin it right now! T: Yeah, cuz we’re awna friggin TV show, skanky whore! I neva tawk about you… unless it’s awn CAM-ra!

How DID Dani tell her daughters she was the new MILF in town? Asia asks. I was expecting a better line of bullshit than this: Um, I try just to not let them hear anything that’s going on. They don’t even watch the show. Audrina thinks they must have heard about it at school– it’s all over the internet! Not really, Danielle says. She did explain to them that “Mommy should have been more careful and more private and less horny and less sleazy.” Danielle has shielded them from her notoriety to the best of her ability and still thinks “I’m a really good mom cuz my kids are amazing.” I love that she thinks that’s how it works. They’re as undamaged as they are (and the jury’s still way, way out on that) IN SPITE of you, sweets. Christ Almighty, is this woman cracked.

Danielle then gets tripped up in her own horseshit when she says that Jillian and Christine “were very offended” by Caroline’s “no light in their eyes” comment. A-hah! Caroline snaps. How would they know about it if they don’t watch the show? “You just said they were in a bubble and they don’t know what’s goin on around them!” Avril agrees! Danielle says “what’s really ironic is that their friends love me, and so do their friends’ parents.” Sometimes literally, if those tapes are any indication. Caroline sarcastically applauds along with all of us. Danielle is EXACTLY as diagnosed by you, Gasmii– a paranoid narcissistic sociopath! Happy Mother’s Day. Danielle backpedals, admitting that the girls ARE exposed to the filth (and I use the term with love and light) generated by her and her participation in this vile, wonderful show.

“Jeff From Maine“, (you know, the one whose wife “Pam” got scared by the black man and had a cafe au lait baby) asks why Danielle accuses Caroline of being mobbed up when Dani’s the one who “hangs out with gangsters on the show and has a clothing line called Danielle’s Mafia.” Danielle explains that in this case, “Mafia” means “team”. Like Tony Soprano was a “sanitation consultant”. Caroline has had it and asks for Danielle’s “friggin autograph” because Dani’s the perfect friend, mother and woman and “you’re my idol”. Even Teresa gets the joke this time and grins like Wendy the Retard with a new karaoke machine.

Our last clip package of the evening illustrates the “dramatic turn” taken by the show when Danielle attended a charity event for a gravely ill tot at the Manzo-owned Brownstone. We all know what happened so let’s skip ahead to Anarosa telling Dani that the tot’s father was very upset with Danielle’s behavior that night, especially because Dani still hasn’t donated any money. Danielle immediately snaps that she collected thousands of dollars “door-to-door” “in commitments”. If commitments were cash, honey, I’d be the richest bitch in East Hollywood. Caroline says Danielle’s lying and that she came to Caroline’s place of business to cause trouble. “You wanna go, we’re gonna go!” Caroline barks, finally gaining the upper hand for the first time this season. “Anything else, Aviva?” Danielle asks snottily, tossing her extensions toward Caroline.

Caroline says Danielle has repeatedly threatened her and “brought danger to my son” Christopher, who was called a fag by “that Sweathog reject” Danny. LOL. Caroline demands an answer for Danielle’s comment at The Brownstone about pleasantly shaking Chris’s hand then calling it “my fuck you” gesture to the cuddly carwash enthusiast. “It was sykalogical,” Dani replies. “Do NOT sit here and tryta make a fool outta me!” Caroline roars. “I am looking at the fool!” D: That’s enough, Caroline.

But of course it isnt…

There’s still next week’s Reunion Part 2 in which, if the preview is to be believed, Danielle insinuates that she and Jacqueline bumped fuzzies. To quote George Takei on The Howard Stern Show: “Oh, myyyyyyyy!”

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Let us celebrate this festive occasion with the joining of bread to meat…

…before it’s too late!

I’ve missed you guys.  See you in a couple weeks, Gasmii!

90210 comes back on the 13th, on CW

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