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Archive for July, 2010

Welcome back to another season of Project Runway! It’s been like two weeks, so I’m glad they got it together to come back even if it took awhile. This is a new 90 minute version of the show, and rumor has it IT’S ALL NEW!! Really? Then why is Christian Sirriano on my TV again?

If he says “fierce” one time I’m outta here.

This new intro has Tim and Heidi talking a lot. Tim Gunn pops up onscreen and says that he totally approves of the Christian guy. Then Heidi tells us a girl named Mikhael must really want this bad if she would leave her tiny baby to be here.

Or she hates her baby. You decide.

Wait. Her name’s not Mikhael. It’s McKell. LOL. Wow. There’s choosing your own name to seem artsier and then there’s downright copyright infringement, McKell.

I’d leave this fugly baby at home, too.

Tim and Heidi tell us little things about the designers. “That girl’s talented!” “That guy’s cute!” Really? Why don’t you two shut your pieholes and let us marinate in their insecurities a little, mkay? For example, what horrible childhood memory led this dude to wear a v-neck cut down to his belly button? I’m sorry, I don’t care how many people wear those. They’re NOT OK.

It’s always so great seeing Tim Gunn. He is charming, dashing, and super comfortable with who he is. His verbiage is impeeeeecably whiiiiimsical! And you gotta hand it to a man who can proudly lisp even in a still pic.

Heidi is as gorgeous as ever, and her hair is as insane. She looks like she put on her Ivana hair on her way out the door and Seal tried to pat it down before she went out looking like that for the day.

Heidi just. Stop. For a sec…honey just let me pat your hair down before you…honey just stop. Ok you’re leaving well have a good day. Are you sure you don’t want me to fix that before people see it? Honey? Love you. (loneliness)

In this new sparkly version, Heidi is gonna be talking a whole lot more. YAY. Just listening to her say “wearable” using five syllables and at least three smirks has made my week. We get quick flashes of the cast. It’s like shuffling a deck of cartoony kids playing cards. Like Old Maid.

No offense.

This guy looks like he’s getting erased from the head down. Why would you do that to your hair? I don’t know what that flower means, but I imagine Carrie Bradshaw with her forehead in her palm crying. “What have I dooooooone?”

Sad horns.

Heidi sexily intros the new season and then jumps into that pool from Cocoon that keeps you young forever.

It’s a miracle!

In case you need to be reminded that this show is geared toward men who like peen, let’s open the new season with a giant phallic shot!

The first girl we see says “Call me vain, but I think that Project Runway is the Ivy Show!” UGH. Abort! ABORT!

Oh darn. I must be on the wrong channel.

Ah. There we go. When do they sew?

Ivy started her line, IvyH, two years ago. So you’re telling me her electric bill goes to H,Ivy? Cuz that’s Hivy. Which is fitting cuz she’s obnoxious and her clothes look like they itch.

Who knows when you’ll happen to need something to wear to a Cape Cod funeral for a super old lady who used to tap dance on tug boats in the 20′s?

She’s amazing, you guys. I know cuz she just told me. Like five times. “I’m a force to be reckoned with.” Shots of pajama looking clothes.

When the economy recovers, this girl’s gonna say to her friend one day “remember how awesome it was when we were unemployed? I had a bathrobe jacket for crying out! What I’d give to just relax and not care what I look like again.

I knoooow! Remember when I got married and then went back to bed? Why did the darn economy have to improve?

You could have this entire segment on mute and know this girl’s an asshole just by seeing how big her mouth is while she’s talking.

Shhhhhhh. There there.

And now let’s meet Cassanova. If I had a blind date with a Puerto Rican named Cassanova and this guy showed up at my door, I’d be super pissed at Jdate. This guy’s the Puerto Rican Ed Grimley.

Ding!

In his casting session, Tim gave him shit about his name, but he did in with a half a woody in his voice. I can’t call a grown man Cassanova. Sorry. Cassy tells us that he’s done everyting dare ees to do in Puerrrto Rrrico! Cut to shot of a guy unconscious (dead?) in a heap of trash. So , basically, Cassy’s on the run.

I was just trying to pet him!

What is that accent? Cuz that is not Puerto Rican. It’s like a French guy trying to sound Puerto Rican. Or a Puerto Rican trying to sound French? Whatever it is, it needs to stop. “What ees naygsd for yew? I was so nervous tinkeen, weel New Jgyorg ead me? Or weel I ead New Jgyorg? Or New Jgyorg tayge me? Or I tage New Jgyorg vrom da ballz?” Mmm, you will talk like that on the subway. Someone with a job in tv will hear you. You will get a voiceover job on the Disney channel playing a really bad stereotype of some country you’re not even from in a cartoon. You will make millions of dollars. Other people will bang their heads into street signs cursing the heavens and asking God why life is so. Damn. UNFAIR. I’ve seen it a million times.

Passanova

I’m getting a little worried. For Lifetime. And humanity. And then Sarah comes on.

I could murder you.

Or we could have lunch!

Her clothes are bizarre and kinda awesome.

Maids wanna look pretty too.

When huge vaginas happen to pretty girls.

A gorgeous dress. With a weight lifting belt.

She describes her style for us: “Is this totally gross and ugly? Or is this like the cutest thing I’ve ever seen?” HA. Love. And honestly, I have no answer for you. I love and hate it all. That’s the sign of talent, no? Sarah arrives at the airport and meets a flighty twink named AJ from St. Charles who considers his style “punk”. Let me guess. Tutus and bustiers.

I don’t think it’s considered “punk” if Madonna still wears it on tour, k? It’s just called hack.

He’s glad that Sarah was the first person he met cuz he was afraid it would be “some old lady who doesn’t know what’s going on.” Old people are soooo scary! Have you ever tried helping one across a cross walk? I did and will never make that mistake again. Bitch made we walk so damn slow I swear she was trying to get me killed. Goofy music, cut to old lady that doesn’t know what’s going on.

I hope that’s the right ferry. I can never find my darn glasses.

Her name is Peach, so I can’t help but look for hair on her face. I predict that at least once this season, Kors will slurr “Peach, that was the piiiiits.” Peach dresses “the ladies who lunch.” Older ladies I guess. Younger ladies don’t lunch, they snack on fingernails and complain about being full. Peach’s crowd isn’t afraid to dress like a thirteen year old to snare themselves an afternoon banging their tennis instructor.

A diamond ode to the classic C Section Scar look.

Suddenly, her cat wants to play with her all the time.

She asks “will I be the oldest person here? Hell to the yes.” That’s some vintage Whitney right there. “I’m expecting a nine year old to walk in and be my roommate.” HA. The first person she meets is Nicholas, the guy who looks like he’s being erased. She immediately snarks on his hair, which makes me like her. His first words are “I can’t wait to beat you!”, which makes me not like him. I can’t wait to see her beat you. With her purse. You louse!

Meet Carrie Sadshaw.

Kristen is next, and she can’t help but laugh when Cassanova introduces himself. “Ees for reeeal!”

Um…no. No it’s not. LOL.

That’s your last name. And you shouldn’t call yourself Cassanova when you have Luis Guzman face. It just confuses people.

McKell (hahahahahahah) meets them at Grand Central and when she says she’s from Utah, Cassy frowns at her. HA! McSmell says that she always gets that stereotype, so she now refuses to wash her hair and she’s changed her name to a fast food chain’s. Well done, McSmell! Love her clothes.

Although that jacket might need some lotion.

Look fabulous or fix my car? I’ll walk!

I would have loved this last year, before Betty Draper turned into such an insufferable biatch.

She also, of course, mentions that she’s left a nine month old behind. I always find it funny when people brag about leaving behind a newborn like they’re so proud of it. It’s called CHILD ABANDONMENT. Cassy and Kristen pat her on the matted head and ooh and ahh like she’s just done something she should be super proud of. I hope that kid grows up and puts Veet in her shampoo. Not that she’ll ever use it. She says that she’s here to show her daughter that you can do anything you want. Even if you have a nine month old. I’m sorry I sound so bitter, but my sister left me alone with her nine month old for two hours once and I almost killed it and myself. It’s not a cat, McSmell!

Let’s move on. Kristin tells us that she’s an “accidental apparel designer”. I’ll bet she has a lot of accidents, cuz she has that permanent drunk look. That usually comes from…well, being drunk a lot. She didn’t even take the time to finish ripping apart whatever bird she killed for that neck piece. Way to shit on nature, drunko.

Woah Macy Gray. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and for all that’s holy, stop making music.

She’s a graphic designer who makes clothes for bloated women. Sodium is a real problem in today’s society.

I was kidding, of course, but it turns out I wasn’t.

Have you ever looked at the back of a can of Tab?

Do you find it hard to smile? Do you find it hard to laugh? Do you find it hard to even stand up? Then by all means, put on some shorts or something. No need to depress all of us.

Kristin is all about keeping her mistakes in her design. “Yes you can! Yes you can have a crooked zipper!” That’s totally what Obama’s meant all this time. And we made him President.

Jason is a short skinny straight tough guy with a bowler hat. He looks like Orlando Bloom trying to pull off Charlie Chaplin, and tells us that he has a temper so if anyone in high school tried to make fun of him he would straighten them out. Crazy laugh. I suspect he’s got Clockwork Orange on VHS. I crack up cuz right when he talks about how crazy and tough he is, it flashes up on the screen that he is from Greenwich Connecticut. LOL. He probably has a long wanted list at the local police station for setting toast on fire and putting rocks on the sidewalk. Pose much?

It’s painfully obvious after watching his bio video that that promiscuous bottom Tim Gunn has a lot to do with casting.

Tim probably did the helicopter on his peen for like thirty minutes when he saw this.

All you have to do is look at Jason’s clothes to know that he’s a paranoid man.

To protect you from neck darts.

Also, sorry, most likely gay.

Chaps. He is really working Tim’s soft spot. And by soft spot I mean huge dangly peen.

He says he’s wearing his bowler hat to intimidate people. Play “The Entertainer” and they’ll pee themselves. He meets Gretchen on the sidewalk and they stare at each other in total awkward silence. HAHA. It must be the bowler.

Can you twirl a cane? I’ll give you a dollar!

The ferry picks up Peach and Sadshaw, and a super awkward guy shrinks away from Peach as she walks towards him. Hilarious. His name is Mondo, and he’s a freak. Peach shakes his hand and snarks “I almost wore the same thing today.” Mondo takes it as a compliment. I LOVE PEACH.

Don’t hurt me, old person.

Mondo is from Denver, and he says that people usually get the first impression that he’s strange. He fights this by wearing bow ties and Oliver Twist hats while rolling his eyes a lot and masturbating his fingertips nervously.

His style is meth face chic.

Kids, stay away from chemicals. Pills or mj, k? Glad we had this talk.

Please stop sleeping in my driveway unless you wear something really shiny so I don’t accidentally run you over. Oh, ok then.

If God designed this, He would probably add a fig leaf and kick this skank out of paradise.

Nicholas Sadshaw says that he was an architect until last year. One of those. He likes working with seaming cuz it’s totally architectural. After I saw this dress I had to rewind to make sure he didn’t say semen. Sorry I know that’s gross, but look at it. It looks like a stall wall at a truck stop.

Hivy meets the three on the ferry and Mondo giggles and calls her cute. Then she makes this face and says she might get seasick.

Adorable!

Nicholas says his collection is called Nikolina, cuz that was his grandpa’s first name and also his grandma’s first name. Who says hermaphrodites can’t have children just as fucked up as the rest of us? Christopher and April meet, and April starts machine gunning questions at him. I hate when people do that. I just answer with a bunch of lies. “I like purple, I’m a mayor, I invented the cheeseburger.” Mind your own beeswax, April! Christopher says that the best feeling he’s ever had is when he saw a woman walking down the street in his clothes. I don’t know who that girl was, but I know she was one tacky bitch.

April is 21 and says she’s not too young to be here. She likes grunge and making stuff out of things that look like they’re dying. I’d love to see what she could do with the Jersey Shore cast.

If you’re happy and you know it raise your arms! No one? No one? Hello?

I don’t think you should be allowed on PR if you have sunglasses printed on your shirt. Or are those real? Either way, eliminated.

Michael is from Palm springs and tells us how famous he is there. He also says he wants a burger. I hate when fat people make fun of themselves. It takes the fun out of it for everyone else. The designers gather at Lincoln Center to meet Fat Bitch Heidi and Man Whore Tim. Tim tells them that there were so many good designers that they couldn’t choose, so the first challenge will be the final elimination round! Thank God. I took a look at this cast and thought this was gonna last til Christmas. No one’s too thrilled about that, and there’s no telling how many people are getting the boot. Heidi makes them take one item out of their suitcases that they want to use in their design. The twist is that they have to pass on their item to their right. They’re stuck with other people’s clothes! YAY! Peach had to give her best Laura Ashley circa 1987 pants away, but that’s nothing. Cassy gave away pants that (he claims) cost $1700. Riiight. Hey Cassy. Welcome to America. We have a store here called THE GAP. That shit’s like ten dollars there.

Thanks for the Old Navy sale pants, asshole.

Mondo is sad that he gave away the kilt he was gonna wear tomorrow. He looks different in every shot. Here he looks like this evil cashier at the burrito shop down the street who keeps putting spoons in my bag instead of forks. I know she’s doing it on purpose, and I will have my revenge.

Bitch.

They only have five hours for this challenge. Over at the workroom, Gretchen tells us that she’s a sustainable clothing designer and a hippie. First off, hippies are hippies because they challenge the establishment. The green movement is the establishment, so you, ma’am, are no damn hippie. Second, you can’t make a decent outfit with some good old fashioned aspartame. Faker!

This just makes me think of afro bush. Trim.

Gretchen says she has big ideals but puts fashion first. Somehow I don’t believe her.

Split ends aren’t a lifestyle choice, Gretchen. That’s called laziness. Here’s a number for my friend Sam. He’s Fantastic.

Some girl whips out a little stuffed ninja that she takes with her everywhere and Hivy gives her a dirty look. Jealous Asian girl smackdown!

I’m rooting for Hivy, just cuz she seems more unlikable. Nice people have no place on my TV.

Other Asian is Valerie, and she was a poor kid who used to shop at a secondhand store called Wieners. That makes me sad. Not because she was poor, but because I’m in my thirties and all I ever get are secondhand wieners. Stop bringing me down, Valerie! She’s obsessed with necks.

Couldn’t you have just found an actual Asian model? This is offensive.

She cries about how she’s doing this for everyone she’s ever come in contact with and it’s a lot of pressure. Well, you might wanna stop putting so much weight on your shoulders. Literally.

Unless this fauxasian is gonna tackle someone, this is a bit unnecessary.

Tim gives a tour of the workroom and their computers and stuff. Now, let’s meet PingPong! No wait. That’s not Pong. WTF? Who’s this tranny? Bring back my Pong!

Do you design socks that only fit the bottom curves of your feet based on imprints made on a shower mat? Doubtful. Go away!

Trandy used to design pageant gowns, but now he’s designing for him! He’s wearing a fake snakeskin shawl (or something) and a belly button v-neck with a full face of makeup. I have a feeling he’s going to sew lots and lots of panties that hold your nuts in between your butt cheeks. Not that there’s not a market for that.

Yeah, not gonna carry you to dinner. Either change or I’m calling someone else.

And I’ll drive.

April is making a coat dress, but she is having a problem with the vagina hanging out. Michael’s goal is Muslim Chic. HAHAH.

Stone her!

Mood has been brought to the workroom, which sucks because that means there’s no tiny gaysian giving people attitude. Valerie rips Cassy’s pants and Cassy cries in jibberish. Tranndy wants to cry over the kimono he gave up, but his mother’s at home like “thank God that kimono’s out of the way. I’m making him go to church with me this week so he can’t embarrass me for once.”

Tim comes around to check on progress. McSmell is first, and he thinks the dress she’s making out of the blue man’s shirt is adorable. EW! He says the dress is trying a little too hard to not be a lily white saltine from Utah. Oh wait. That was me. And it wasn’t about the dress.

Nicholas Eraserhead started out with a polyester jacket and is turning it into a bridesmaid dress.

Keep your head in the game.

Cassy says he’s fine but he’s very upset about his Old Navy jeans with the D&G tag glued in. Tim asks him “is this sexy or vulgar?”, which is his way of saying his dress form looks like she’s about to do a photo shoot for PeopleOfWalMart.

April is designing a dress to wear for a crucifixion.

Witch on a stick.

She’s using a tux jacket inside out and has no idea how she’s gonna make it work. Valerie disses April’s work, so I can’t wait to see Val fail. Clockwork Orange is using the kimono, and Eraserhead says that he doesn’t feel bad anymore cuz Charlie Chaplin’s is way worse. Tim doesn’t seem to disagree.

That fool needs to either get out of my face or sit on it. This in between shit’s not gonna work.

Gretchen the fake hippie got with a Liza jacket.

She talks a lot about the essence of her piece and Tim gobbles it up, but we don’t get to see it. I just hope it doesn’t hurt the dolphin population in any way.

Peach is trying to work with a knit scarf and can’t figure it out how not to wreck it. Tim tells her to use it as tulle and be done with it. LOL. You gotta love Tim. Mondo is confusing the crap out of Tim. It looks “matronly”. What old lady would wear this? It’s not matronly it’s fug.

I deed no give you spoon! Stop yayling at me or I call da polees!

Fast music starts playing. Wrap up time! Cassy has an idea.

Ding!

We don’t know what it is, but I have a feeling it will have something to do with sewing a label into the back. So normally, this is the halfway point and now would be the show and then judging. Now there’s an extra thirty minutes. I am bracing myself for models. I have three frozen Milky Ways and a pack of cigarettes handy.

How is this even still happening?

Tim brings in the models and intros the GLAD accessory wall. As the designers get their final sheyat together, Vanessa tells Hivy that she was afraid of her when she first saw her cuz she looks Vera Wang. Only another Asian could say that. I dare her to tell Mondo he looks like Dora the Explorer.

Clockwork Chaplin had the most material to work with, but he can’t get his dress on his model’s giant boobs. Only on PR would these boobs be giant.

You can’t even feed half a kid with those things.

He says that it’s hard to not get a boner cuz he’s so straight. “It’s hard cuz she’s mine!” Wow. This guy is sick. I look forward to insane behavior coming from him. There’s a whole lot of hair and makeup footage. Pass. FF. Macy Gray lost her model. She left her in the waiting room, and the poor girl didn’t have the cells to know that she probably shouldn’t be in the waiting room. People rush and fret and lisp and brag and stuff. Clockwork Chaplin stapled his dress together. HA. Maybe he is straight.

When it’s time to go, Passanova isn’t finished. Tim is impatient, and disbelieving when Passy says his model is done.

HAHAH

Runway time! Heidi comes out and isn’t clear about how many people are getting the ole boot tonight. Mysterious! Almost as mysterious as why she still can’t pronounce the word “deliver” without biting down on her tongue. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi, Kors!!

Hi, Nina!

Hi guest judge Selma Blair! I’m glad they’re still letting you on TV after Kath & Kim.

You might wanna have another go at those bangs.

Valerie is out first. Woman in the military on her period.

Peach is next. Kinda cute. Did she get someone’s curtains? Who would pack those?

The back is cute too.

She might be in troubs for not using the knit enough, but hey she did what Tim told her. Which, if you look at the past two seasons, will probably get her kicked off.

McSmell’s dress looks like a bad shower curtain and it’s pretty unflattering. Tim loved it. Oy. You wear this if you’re planning on sitting in the front row of the Shamu show at Sea World.

Trandy’s outfit is a spy costume. In Chinatown. Why? I don’t know. It’s kinda crazy but looks well made. At the end of the runway, the model whips a fortune out of her jay. That was creative!

I’m Hawasian, GET IT?!?

Sarah made a cute outfit for a ho-ey girl who works at Pep Boys.

Cameltoe alert. Get this girl an oil change.

Eraserhead’s poor person bridesmaid dress is next.

I don’t think Macy Gray approves.

Do you even know where your model is?

Mondo’s next. He’s gone from matronly to Indian Casino cocktail waitress.

How, mothatruckas.

He calls out his own janky hem, seen below.

I think I saw Hivy’s outfit thrown on the floor of a Ross Dress for Less once. I remember cuz I stepped on it on purpose.

Pants don’t fit, top looks ridic. Oh, Hivy. So how many designers have we been through? Anyone gonna be at least kinda good? Michael describes his look as classy and sophisticated. LOL.

Palm Springs High presents Grease.

Macy Gray is next, and true to what we saw in her bio stuff, she completely obliterates the female form. Therapy time. All different sizes and shapes are ok, Macy! You’re pretty…enough!

Christopher made a sophisticated/casual dress for a clown brunch.

Designers keep chatting with each other throughout the show. WTF? Nina’s gonna whip out a ruler and beat you with it, fools! STFU! April said she likes the trashy look, and she achieved it. This girl look like she got stuck in a compactor. Look at her facial expression. Someone hug her!

Fake Hippie Gretchen says that she nailed it. Meh. It’s not as fug as most of what we’ve seen, but it’s pretty bore snore. The only part of the Liza jacket she used was for the droopy ass shoulders. Not that I can really blame her.

Other Michael, the knit guy, made a hippie kimono with a dream catcher on front. I hope it does, in fact, catch his dreams. And then crush them. He’s kinda a bitch.

Clockwork Chaplin made a monk robe/mini skirt. Hideous.

The staples start falling out. HAHAHAH. Bye Straight Guy! AJ did the prequel to Swan Lake. The Ugly Duckling deserves a ballet too, dammit!

Passanova made the girl on the Chicken of the Sea can.

Nina gets sick and regurgitates the baby arm she ate for breakfast.

It’s over! Thank Xenu! AJ, Trandy, Valerie, Sarah, Peach, Macy Gray, Chunky Michael, Mondo, Knit Michael and Christopher are all safe. In the holding tank, Peach shouts “let’s hear it for the old lady!” AJ almost high fives her but backs away just in case you can catch old. Heidi says there is a clear winner, and it’s Gretchen the fake hippie! Yay! Now go get some leave in conditioner! Heidi tells the rest that there is no top three. They’re all bottoms. Not even Straight Guy tries to deny it.

Kors hates Hivy’s pants and blouse, and he doesn’t understand why Peach even owned pants that ugly. HAHA. He gives her a dirty look through the whole critique. Nina tries to start but Hivy interrupts and tries to stick up for her pants. Nina’s like ok forget the pants, everything else sucks too. Selma calls it hickish. Ivy says she stands up for her design and thinks it’s gorge. Proudly lacking taste. You tell em!

Clockwork has nothing to say in defense of his work. Heidi says it looks like a hairdressing cape and he took something made it work even less. Selma thinks its interesting. Ugh they have to keep him cuz he’s straight. Nina gets mad and asks if he thought they were so dumb that they wouldn’t notice that it’s just a backwards kimono. Kors shakes his jowls disappointedly.

April pouts as she describes her thought process and Heidi says that she can’t tell if it’s bad on purpose or if April just doesn’t know what she’s doing. Kors says he likes deconstruction but you also have to know construction. Nina calls it 80′s hooker. McSmell blahs about her shower curtain. Nina likes the use of fabrics but says the styling is all wrong. Kors agrees, calling it a disco apron. HA. Heidi flat out calls it butt ugly. Love the Heidingo. Eraserhead is next. Heidi calls it odd and boring. Kors gives it dirty jowly look, and Nina thinks it’s too quiet. Passanova pitches his work hard, but no one buys. Kors says it’s MOB belly dancer. Nina thinks it lacks so much taste that it’s fascinating. Selma loves how daring it was in the back but also loathed it. Any reaction’s good, according to her. Explain that shitty sitcom any way you have to, sugar.

Nina has to translate to Pass so he can understand that Heidi wants to know why he shouldn’t be shipped back on the first boat to Puerto Rico. They are excused, and Hivy says she thinks the Hivy show is gonna be cancelled. Think you might be right there. The judges have nothing nice to say about what she did. Wait. Kors says she can construct but might not have any taste or talent. HAHA. Heidi says Passanova either has a hearing problem or an English problem and she doesn’t have much patience for either. Well ain’t that the pot getting mad at the kettle for boiling water. His work was probs crazy enough to keep him.

Clockwork’s work was hideous, but they try to call him original which means he’s staying. Such BS. He should be the first out. No one is too into April’s work, but Selma stands up for the designers cuz they only had five hours and very little talent to work with. McSmell wasn’t good, but they say it in a moany way that means they’re forgiving her. Eraserhead had a beautiful model and even that couldn’t sell the boring dress. So you reward the safe boring person or the risky mess? I think we all know the answer to that.

The designers are brought back out and…April is safe! Eraserhead is safe, Clockwork is safe. Told ya. BS!!! He stapled a fucking robe together you have got to be kidding me!! McSmell is out!! Wow. I didn’t see that coming. Now she has to go home and stare at the poor clown baby. Aw. Hivy and Passanova are both safe! WTF?! No fair! So we will be here til the new year after all. Tim tells McSmell that he still loves her dress even though his lack of advice probably just sent her home. Well done, Gunn! Let’s start a tally of how many people get booted after Tim loves their work.

The designers finally get to check out the apartment, and Macy Gray immediately runs to the fridge to take stock of the alcohol. HAHAHA. I’m a bitch, but I know how to call em you have to admit. Next time, flowers! Thanks for being here you guys, and welcome to another season!
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Welcome to “The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All“!!! That’s right – now the men will talk endlessly and pointlessly like NEVER BEFORE! WOO WOO! It’s a full 2 hours of recap, bullshit and filler-between-commercials! So let’s get to it!

Here’s Host Chris! Can’t you just tell how he HATES being in the spotlight?!

So all the other boys are here tonight except for the best two – Chris and Roberto (oh and asswipe Frank). But Host Chris throws us to a pre-recorded interview of him with Ali. She’s there tonight. WTF wouldn’t they just bring her out and ask her the questions then?! Does EVERYTHING have to be so edited/manufactured? Ugh. Stupid me for asking.

Host Chris starts out the interview by asking about… JUSTIN!

The real trick was getting the pigeon to shit on him just right to spell that out.

Ali thinks it’s all a big laugh now. I wonder if she’ll feel that away about this whole process at some point. I mean, we already do.

Host Chris asks about the day she found out about Justin. Apparently we’ll be beating the shit out of this dead horse for the next two hours. Ali says her goal was to not let Justin hurt her in honor of all the ladies out there. Go girl. She did a good job but I still say she should’ve pushed his crutch-edy ass down those stairs. Then maybe peed on his head.

Up next, Host Chris asks about Kasey…

Well there’s one thing we agree with Ali on!

Ali plays nice and says there’s someone out there that will love him one day. I agree. As soon as whoever would fall for Kasey is released from the mental institution she’s in – it’ll be LOVE! They can get matching tattoos and plan Ali’s “suicide” together!

Host Chris then asks Ali about Kirk. She says she was unsure in the beginning but it was his scrapbook that won her over…

That’s my Mom, my Aunt Linda – oh and that’s my Dad’s moose head, his stuffed boar and don’t forget my fav – the caribou foot with googly eyes!

BTW I HATED that necklace. It looks like she’s a fat girl wearing a tween’s bracelet around her neck.

Now for Host Chris’ fav part – reliving the “Frank Meltdown”! Ali says she was so excited to see Frank that morning in Tahiti and when he said he was upset about something she figured that she was going to have to reassure him once again that he should be secure in the fact that he’s her #1 – unless she picks one of the other two #1′s. Turn’s out he decided she was #2 to him. And then he #2′d all over her. That all makes sense right?!

Another one of Host Chris’ highlights was when…

Roberto blew it in her face.

The champagne cork that is. We’re not talking about the Fantasy Suite! I guess Roberto almost put the cork through Ali’s head. Imagine the popping sound THAT would’ve made.

They also discuss the fake speech Frank’s Dad made as a joke…

I hope he was joking about the nose too. Because if not, Ali you really dodged the future Gonzo on that one.

There was also a highlight of Ali’s date with Krazy Kasey…

“HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!! THIS DATE’S LIKE FUCKING EVENT HORIZON UP HERE! MAYDAY!!!”

And then there was fun with animals!

You know that cat’s thinking, “Hey hottie… ya know I’m the only pussy you can get tonight… we’re still weeks away from the Fantasy Suite… why don’t you come away with me? Hmmm?”

That cat’s now stuffed in Kirk’s Dad’s basement.

They also discuss Chris N. – the PHANTOM! Apparently Chris had a knack for disappearing all the time. It seems like they had a lot of fun with it. (Until Ali made him disappear forever of course.) I really wish they kept all of these funny moments in the actual show. It makes these people seem MUCH more likable and real instead so dramatic and serious all of the time.

Finally we’re back to the “live” show and Host Chris brings all the guys out on stage. The most obvious omissions being Justin (no surprise), Craig (the douchey one who I SWEAR was a plant!) and…

Chris! He was so hot! I still think he should’ve made it longer!

Instead they have…

Not the brightest but SO hot.

I’m sorry… who the fuck are you?

He would make a great drag queen. He just has that look. Actually there’s a good chance he already is.

No seriously, who the FUCK are YOU?

I remember you! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.

Oy. “Who’s got two thumbs that are smaller than his penis? THIS GUY!”

Chris N. is also here and reveals something…

He’s replacing Billy Zane in the sequel?!

The Phantom also tells us how he feels about Justin…

Now it’s on to Kasey and what the boys thought of him…

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

And we also get a trip down memory lane…

Best self-destruction clip… EVER.

He was so hot in that moment I think I would’ve let him punch ME.

Best Horrifying “He’s right behind you!!!” Moment

Host Chris then says he wants to talk to Weatherman about him ratting Craig out about being “dangerous”. The guys all jump on the bandwagon and beat up on Weatherman for not confessing that he was the one who told Ali. I have to say I’m really impressed with the Weatherman. I totally expected him to burst into tears and piss himself. Well… at least we know he didn’t cry.

The convo then turns to Kasey and his kraziness. Surprisingly all of the guys love him. They agree that he’s bat shit crazy but they like that he’s not fake. I agree. I’ll take a crazy/real person who might murder me any day over a crazy/fake person that might murder me.

And now… back to Justin! The guys all say they didn’t trust him from the start. Then they all say what a lying, psycho, douchebag he is. It goes on forever. I’m guessing they edited 10-300 hours of footage out of this group interview. I mean they HAD to run out of adjectives for Justin at some point.

Speaking of douchebags – time for Frank! We watch a whole montage of Frank dumping Ali in Tahiti. I love a good montage! They should’ve done it to the song, “Cry Me a River”. And that’s only because there’s no song called “Douchey Wish-Washy Selfish Bumblefuck”.

The boys all chime in and stick up for Frank – saying he’s no Justin – but that he just didn’t know what he wanted until it was too late.

Raise your hand if your opinion doesn’t matter.

Although Kasey, because his job is to guard and protect her heart – blames Frank for letting it go on too long and hurting Ali in the process. Awww – Kasey’s actually a good guy – I wouldn’t want to be trapped in an elevator with him – but he means well. Until he kills you. So there’s that.

Speaking of Kasey – now it’s his turn to be interviewed! He admires Ali for being honest with him and letting him go but he’s still a little miffed about being stranded on an iceberg while she flew away with the sleaziest bachelor the show’s ever had. Of course the show missed its chance (for the 2nd time!) to play “Ice Ice Baby” while the clips play of them ditching Kasey on the ice.

Host Chris asks Kasey if he came on too strong and Kasey admits that maaaaaaybe he did. Awww – this guy is just an honest cheeseball. You gotta love him for that. Because if you don’t – he’ll drink your blood. I’M JUST SAYING!

Next in the “hot seat”, KIRK! First we’re treated to a montage of the two of them falling in love and then Ali doing this to his heart…

ALI MAAAA! ALI MAAA!

Kirk says it took him so long to open up to someone because he almost died (DOOOOOWNER!) and then when she turned him down it almost killed him again. Well – he didn’t say it like that but SOMEONE has to make this interview more interesting. Host Chris asks Kirk if Ali broke his heart (and then crosses his fingers) and Kirk says “SHE DID.” AWWWWWW! Sadness. Poor guy. I feel like he’s got a good shot at being the next Bachelor! Wouldn’t it be awesome if they invited his Dad to be one too and they could double date with old chicks?!

So now that it’s been more than 10 minutes since we’ve talked about Justin – it’s time to talk about Justin again! UGH!!!! NO ONE CARES ANYMORE! The more you talk about a douchebag the less he disappears into wrestlemania oblivion. They all shoot the shit AGAIN about Justin. This should’ve been “The Men Tell All… About Justin.”

Craig says he’s EVIL and that any public statements that are being made that he’s friends with Justin are a LIE! HUH? Did NPR report that the two were friends or something? Did Justin twitter “Hey BFF Craig – we down for drinks and nailing all my ex-gf’s together this wknd? LOL! OMG! BFF’s!”?

Kirk reveals that Justin was on the other side of his hotel wall when he left the voicemails to his girlfriend. He knows because he heard Justin talking to himself while water was running. I don’t know. It could be that he has to talk himself into peeing around others. Or he was spanking it? Did you hear him saying, “Yeah! You like it Rated R?! You like strong language and brief nudity?! I’m gonna give it to you!”

Alright – now that we’ve all gotten Justin our of our system, we can move on to our next guest…

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Yes. Jessie’s here to talk about how Justin’s girlfriend came to her about Justin. Apparently the connection was that they’re “both Canadians”. No shit. REALLY?! I guess they’re also besties with Alanis Morisette and Mike Meyers. And the shit hit the fan when Justin’s OTHER girlfriend wrote on his Facebook wall and his first girlfriend saw it. I love Facebook. It’s like a scientific equation. For every relationship it creates – it equally destroys one!

In the mean time, you can tell Jessie is just LOOOOOVING the attention of all the boys there. And she’s sending out all the signals too…

I hope they scotch-guarded that couch before she sat down.

Host Chris then decides to open the “Justin Bashing” up to the whole audience. THIS NEVER ENDS!!!

I was SO hoping that this girl was gonna say she was 8 months prego with Justin’s little Rated “G”!

One of the girls in the audience asks if Craig would have an olive oil wrestling match with Justin to get even with him. PLEASE DON’T. Whoever wins that match – we all still lose.

And can we give some credit to this guy?! He’s either a butch-looking gay or the best BF/Husband to attend this taping with his lady.

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for – ALI!

With an outfit sponsored by Reynold’s Wrap!

Well – thank GOD we’re done talking about Justin and we can get Ali’s take on all of our questions about—

“So what’s your take on Justin?”

MOTHER FUCKER YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!! ARRRRRRG!!!! @#%@@%^$%&%&^@$!$!!!!!

OK. ONE LAST FUCKING TIME LET’S TALK ABOUT IT. Ali says she just wanted to be strong for all the ladies so she tore his ass out. That’s it. The friggin’ end.

Ali also gets to talk about Frank AGAIN and Host Chris asks her if (looking back) she should’ve picked Kirk instead of Frank. While everyone else holds back from screaming, “YES!!!” Ali just says everything happens for a reason. Then Kirk says he’s happy and that he’ll find someone else now that his heart’s open. TOTALLY missed his chance to say “Oh yeah – well I don’t date FAT chicks.”

And now KASEY gets to talk to Ali! Uh oh. If I was there I would’ve screamed “EVERYONE GET DOWN!!!!”

I fully expected this to be a “HE’S GOT A GUN!!! – Kasey’s then riddled with bullets” moment but it was wasn’t! Yeah!!! (damn it)

However, once he dramatically rises to make his statement, he just sings a cute/cheesy song about her picking Justin over him. Yeah for redemption!

And now for another montage of clips! (This episode is KILLING ME…)

Raise your hand if you love bukkake parties!

Yes it’s really THAT big.

Seriously. It’s THAT big!

He’s so full of shit it comes out of his eyes.

After the commercial break, we get treated to… wait for it… a Roberto MONTAGE and a Chris MONTAGE! And I’m not gonna bother recapping a recap that’s been recapped over the last 9 episodes. I have only this to say… my prediction is that she picks…

You heard it here first! She goes back to the original douche!!!

But seriously folks – my pick is Chris! I love Roberto but we all know the producers are probably pushing her to Chris so that Roberto can be the next Bachelor and I think she connected better with his family.

And that’s it! Next week’s the big FINALE! FINALLY! Who will she pick?! Let me know what you think! Any highlights of YOURS this season?! Or fav ‘gasm moments?! Hollah back y’all!
Go to Source

This episode is aptly, if not prosaically titled, “Repercussions.”  Guess what it’s about!  Repercussions!  Both good and bad from the myriad discoveries that were made last episode – Andy discovering she’s a succubus, Barbara discovering Claire’s trysts with Christian, Sarah discovering the truth behind the Wolcott shooting and Nick and Dylan discovering their mutual passion for each other.  Oh, and Nick discovering that Theresa is really Amanda (Wolcott!) at the point of a gun, only to then discover, upon her grisly death, that Dylan is a vampire.  Phew.  There must be some big fallout to be had this week.  You’d think…  It was all a little anticlimactic for my taste.  Like no one died – NO ONE.

Not even this hot mess.

We open on what must be early morning, and Dylan must have remembered his sunblock because he’s out in the woods digging a shallow grave for Theresa (like, really shallow.  Her incredibly recognizable hair is visible about one foot deep.  Way to cover your tracks, D-Bag.).  He labors a bit more and we cut to a shot of Nick watching over Dana and Emily, remembering Theresa’s death threats to his entire family echoing in his head.  Completing the montage is Marcus, who is continuously calling Theresa’s cell phone only to keep hearing her obnoxious, “Hi, I’m Theresa and you’re not.  Leave a message!” message.

GLAD I’m not you, bitch.  GLAD.

Hours pass by and Nick returns downstairs in uniform to hear the girls telling the “Knock, knock!  Who’s there? Boo!  Boo who?” joke, and he is understandably unsettled at his daughter’s poorly developed sense of humor.  Charlie and Sarah are there too, and Sarah tells her son that Dr. Peg has given him a clean bill of health.  No mono, just a demonic girlfriend.  Charlie tries to run off and see Andy that very minute, but Sarah tells him to cool those raging hormones and give it a few days.  She’s not quite ready to be featured on “16 and Pregnant.”  She also reminds Nick that Frank Buckley is hosting a party for them that evening, and Dana begs her father not to embarrass them all.  As long as you and your shitty knock-knock jokes stay homebound, I think the family name shall remain untarnished, Dana.  Before her father can say as much, there’s a knock at the door – it’s Dylan!  The Daywalking Vampire!

Damned inconvenient is what it is.  Never know when to expect’em now.  Time was vampires knew how to behave.

Dylan and Nick have a brief stare-off that could give all adulterous pairs a run for their money.  Dylan asks if he can come in, and Nick, triumphantly remembering a bit of vampire lore, proudly calls for Emily to come meet her father outside, thus barring Dylan from entry.  Sarah shits all over his moment, though, and invites Dylan in seconds later.  The vampire mentions that Sarah’s volunteering with Claire at the school that day, and Nick tries to put the kebosh on that little get together by recommending that she stay home with the obviously no longer ailing Charlie.  This attempt to clear the Radcliffe’s from the Monohan consciousness is also sidestepped by a healthy Charlie, and Nick is forced to acknowledge that he and Dylan will be having breakfast, and it will be soon.

Like, next scene.  The two meet up at an outside The Gates diner to hash out the rather inconvenient truth of Theresa’s “murder.”  Dylan tries to set a peaceful tone to the conversation by opening with the fact that he would never hurt Nick’s family.  Nick bites back that seeing Dylan rip out some chick’s throat the night before makes it hard to believe that.  I don’t see how?  When someone rips out someone else’s throat to save you, they’re on your side.  When they rip out your throat to kill you, you’re in trouble.  Seems pretty simple to me.

Dylan lets that bout of stupidity slide and tells Nick he will answer some questions if it makes the cop feel more comfortable.  But, as soon as Nick starts asking questions, like, “What about Claire and Emily who have close personal relationships with my family?” and “How many vampires are in my jurisdiction?” Dylan gets all “Objection!  Irrelevant!”  He does, however, say that the holy water thing is bullshit, he doesn’t sleep in a coffin, he has a reflection and garlic merely gives him heartburn.  He also promises again that he would never hurt any of the Monohans, but that the less people that know about Theresa, the better.  Which is just what Nick needed to hear, apparently, because he immediately lets down his guard and starts breathing easier.  What?  Dude just told you all the traditional methods of warding off vampires are bullshit.  And he told you this in DAYLIGHT.

Grab your gun and vamooooose.  You are not in fucking Kansas anymore, where vampires act like they’re supposed to.

Nick, as ever, does not take my advice and starts discussing what to do about the murder.  He explains that it’ll be easy to prove Theresa was killed in self-defense, but the body, what with its throat ripped out in a very not-by-a-police-issued-gun sort of way, will be difficult to deal with.  Dylan cuts him off, stating that there is no body.  And if there is no body, there is no crime.  Remember that episode of “Buffy” when the Trio made Buffy think she killed a dude, and Spike hid the body for her – because if there was no body, there would be no crime?  And then the body was found like, ten seconds later?  Just sayin’, girl was buried shallow.

Nick obviously balks at the idea of erasing completely what’s happened, especially since Theresa was living with one of his officers.  But Dylan can’t risk an investigation, and says that if they’re going to do this, they’re going to do it his way.  Nick gives him a tight smile, and walks out, leaving Dylan with the tab.  Rude, much?

Nick arrives at the station for what will be an uncomfortable day of work, greeted by Marcus, who immediately announces that he thinks something may have happened to Theresa.  Credits!

If a thought balloon were to appear over Nick’s head right now, it would read, “S%#*.”

It’s onto Andy, as she sits on her bed researching “succubus” on the internet.  Lots of awesomely intimidating pictures flash across the scene giving her a wicked cool look at her future, but she doesn’t see it that way.  Disturbed, she elects to stay home from school, and ignores an adorable Charlie, tossing pebbles at her window, flowers in hand.  This does sort of suck for Andy, I guess.  Now every time she decides whether or not to get serious with a dude, she’s gonna have to ask herself, “But is he worth killing him for?”

Back at the police station, Leigh, who shall now be known as Leigh-vil as punishment for her crimes two episodes ago, tells Marcus that just because he’s a cop, the rules don’t change.  A person is not officially missing until they’ve been gone for over 48 hours.  Marcus turns to Nick, asking him if Theresa acted strangely at the dance, and Nick immediately flashes back to her getting killed by a vampire – strangely.  He calmly answers “No,” she took their pictures and seemed happy.  Leigh-vil pipes in that Marcus knew Theresa for only two weeks and that this wouldn’t be the first time a woman broke a man’s heart with no explanation.  Sensitivity, it is not strong among the evil.  Marcus pouts off claiming Theresa wouldn’t do something like that, and Leigh-vil follows him, useless apologies in tow.

Then we’re on to Devon’s!!!  Yay!! Devon’s back!  Oh, P.S. in the previously, the show tried to make us believe that Devon had revealed to Peg in the pilot that her ex-husband was Buckely.  Which she totally did not do.  Lame attempt at subterfuge, Writers, but better writing in hindsight.  Disbelief?  Suspended!  A really unattractive cougar leads some lady named Vanessa into the spa, claiming it’s not like she WANTS to go to Vanessa’s hubby’s ex-wife’s store, but Devon does make a damn good exfoliant, so her hands are tied.  This bitch is immediately disqualified from any of my respect due to her use of the word “hubby.”

I hope Devon makes her skin fall off.  All of it.

Vanessa just tells her to hurry, and Devon calls out, “I won’t bite.”  Vanessa nervously threatens back that she knows Devon won’t – not if she wants to lose more than her husband.  Damn, bitch.  I’ve known you all of two seconds and I already want Devon to make hair grow out of your butt.  Good luck!

Devon, totally undaunted (duh), sweetly asks if the “thing” between them has gone on far enough, and immediately we cut to a shot of the two women drinking tea.  Ahh!  The tea!  Don’t drink the tea, Vanessa!  Devon explains that she’s tired of the animosity, and since they’re going to keep running into each other, there’s no reason Vanessa shouldn’t come in her shop and no reason they should avoid each other.  She goes on that Vanessa fell in love, and that it wasn’t her fault – just chemistry.  Vanessa, who is dumb as a box of really dumb rocks, buys this shit hook, line and sinker, and apologizes for her and Frank’s deceit happy to have made a new friend who can supply cheap beauty products.  Vanessa lives in Candyland, but not for long, I’m guessing.  The conversation ends when the really unattractive cougar is ready to go, so Vanessa jumps up to leave.  But not before inviting Devon to Nick’s party that night that she happens to be hosting with Frank, Devon’s ex-husband.  Devon politely refuses, but Vanessa insists, basically reeling herself in, and Devon’s mission in the scene is achieved – she’s headed back to Buckley mansion, for nefarious reasons yet to be revealed.

Rule number one in The Gates:  Don’t fuck with Devon.

It’s back to Nick as he’s looking at a security report about damaged cameras by the northwest corner of the high school.  Cameras damaged for body-disposing purposes, perhaps?  He’s interrupted by Marcus who brings news that Dylan Radcliffe’s car was the only one to have left The Gates the previous night, so he thinks they should question him.  Nick shoots that idea down right quick, claiming that Dylan and he took their daughters to the dance together that night, and it was discovered that Dylan’s a good guy.  Nick’s not going to allow the man to be harassed, and Marcus, less than convinced leaves his office, tail between legs.  As soon as he’s gone, though, Nick picks up the phone to call Dylan about the cameras, but only gets to voicemail.

Frustration, thy name is vampire!!

Up next, it’s Sarah and Claire, as they hang up posters as part of their volunteer work at the high school.  Claire is doing this in a pencil skirt and high heels, by the way.  Not strictly relevant, but hilarious.  Sarah walks up and announces that the principal heard of her fundraising work in Chicago, and offered her a job in the Development Office.  Huzzah!  Claire congratulates her and they start making plans to celebrate as Barbara walks up IN THE UGLIEST SUIT EVER to donate art supplies.  She asks where she can put them, and Claire whips them out of her hand, saying she’ll take care of it and tries to get rid of the blond gossip as fast as she possibly can.
Barbara, undaunted, as good gossips often are, asks how the dance was last night, and Sarah announces that it was fun and that Emily and Dana had a sleepover afterwards.  Barbara pointedly asks if it was at Claire’s house, and when Claire grits out a “No (bitch),” Barbara comments on how tired Claire looks.  She babbles that she also burns the candle at both ends and between work and her rip-roaring social life, only gets about four hours of sleep each night.  She goes on, digging her own grave deeper and deeper, saying that Sarah and Claire don’t have to worry about balancing work and manhunting because they have such wonderful husbands.  Barbara’s one of those people who speaks in italics.  She adioses with a promise to see them at the party – everyone’s going to be there, and it should be an interesting evening.  Sarah comments that Barbara’s a piece of work, and Claire agrees, mentally stabbing the woman through the face with an ice pick.

I mean, the suit is reason enough make sure this woman never again sees the light of day.

We fluidly transition to the Radcliffe household in which the maid announces Marcus’ order-disobeying presence.  Dylan greets him, and Marcus gets straight to the point – he has a few questions about Dylan’s whereabouts the night of the dance.  Cue overly dramatic music aaaand Commercial!

We’re back as Marcus hands Dylan a picture of Theresa and asks him if he recognizes her.  Dylan smoothly answers that she’s the photographer from the dance.  He asks what the questioning’s about, and Marcus, doing an adorably bad impression of Nick, attempts to be intimidating.  He comes off like a kid pretending to be a noir dectective.  He claims that the woman in the photo is Theresa Goodwin, and the police have reason to believe that something happened to her after the dance, see?  Dylan asks if Chief Monohan shares Marcus’ concerns, and Marcus, failing miserably at Nick’s character study, grouches that that’s none of Dylan’s concern, and moves onto asking why Dylan left The Gates early that morning.  Dylan retrieves some cough syrup, answering that his wife was sick and he needed to buy her some medicine.  Marcus can barely contain his “A-HA!” when he asks why Dylan would have had to be gone an hour for such a simple errand, but Dylan doesn’t bat an eyelash.  He just mentions that the only 24-hour pharmacy nearby is in Franklin, and produces a receipt that proves he was at said pharmacy around five in the morning – and Game Point! – about a half hour before his documented return to The Gates. Marcus, defeated at every turn, mentally heads back to the kids’ table and leaves, but not before promising to come back and talk to Claire.  He walks out slightly puffed up at his own amateurish detective work, leaving Dylan with a steadily building vampire rage.

Bloody food that talks.  Time was humans knew how to behave.

The scene changes to Peg’s office and Andy’s back as the doctor gives her an exam.  She says that Andy’s condition is under control, but none of that is making Andy feel any better.  Peg tries to buck her up by calling her “unique,” but Andy’s a teenage girl, and being “unique” at that age is about as awesome as contracting genital warts from you’re a guy who swore you were his first.
Peg asks if it would make Andy feel better if she told her that there was a way to control her condition the way some people control diabetes.  Andy brightens a bit at the prospect of not killing every man she’s with, and asks if being a succubus is like just having a disease.  Peg answers that it is – that her body can’t regulate its energy normally, and when it gets low, the succubus side emerges, sucking energy from other people.  What is it about this show that makes mythical beings so mind-numbingly boring?  It’s Supernatural Sesame Street.  The number of the day is t-h-i-r-t-e-e-n and the letter of the day is “Omega.”

Anyway, it’s at that moment Andy realizes that she caused Charlie’s “mono,” and begins to feel worse.  But Peg reveals that she’s working on an herbal supplement that will help regulate Andy’s “lifeforce” (exact quote, btw), and hopefully suppress her succubus side for good.  It’s in the word “hopefully” that Andy’s continued purpose on this show survives.  That supplement ain’t gonna work for shit.  Andy is not gifted with the foreshadowing skills of a watchful audience, though, and she brightens at the prospect of a normal life.

Dylan’s brooding, daydrinking and throwing around glassware as Claire arrives home.

If a thought balloon were to appear over Claire’s head at this moment it would read, “What the F#$%?”

Her husband states the obvious point that he needs to talk to her, and reveals the events of the previous night.  He’s just sick about it, you see, because if the “others” find out that he’s revealed himself, he’ll be killed and Claire and Emily will be banished.  Who are the “others”?  Other vampires?  The community of supernatural creatures in The Gates?  Questions I hope will be answered a later date.  Claire is eight kinds of pleased that a) Dylan remains unaware of her nights with Christian, b) he’s finally acting like a real fucking vampire and c) the shoe’s on the other foot for once.  She resolves that she and Dylan will not let their family be destroyed, and Dylan protests that he doesn’t know how long he can keep Nick’s investigation at bay.  Claire smiles that the chief just needs a little more convincing, and that before Dylan traded in his dick and fangs for a life in sunlight and suburbia, he could be very persuasive.  You can literally see Claire’s passion for her husband reawaken right then and there, and if this were “Trueblood,” they’d have had sex on the kitchen island that very minute.

But it’s not, so we immediately cut to a shot of Nick driving up to the point where the cameras were disabled and checking out the scene of the crime all guilty-like.  Finding nothing, he heads back to his SUV, but when he gets in, he catches a flash of a man running across the woods.  Before he can really identify what he’s seeing, the dispatch radio distracts him, and he flips back and forth between running man and the radio until suddenly, Dylan breaks the glass, and drags Nick out the driver’s side window.  BOOM, BITCH!  Now that is proper vampire etiquette.  Or as close as we’re going to get on this show.

Dylan throws Nick up against the side of the car, going all black-eyed and super-pissed that Nick sent Marcus to the Radcliffe’s with questions.  Nick claims ignorance of Marcus’ visit, and Dylan asks why he’s even back at the scene of the crime.  Nick spits out as best he can with Dylan’s hand around his jaw that he wanted to make sure Dylan had left nothing behind.  That doubt earns him a bodyslam to the pavement, and Dylan emphasizes in a deadly tone that everything has been taken care of.  Nick refuses to be assured, and Dylan tries throwing him against the roof of the car to see how that works at the convincing and spits in Nick’s ear that this minor beatdown is the last warning Nick’s going to get when it comes to meddling any further in the Theresa Matter.  With that, he pulls a spectacular disappearing act that leaves Nick bewildered and waving his gun at nothing.

What is he, a ghost?  Are there ghost vampires?  Fuck!

I have to take this moment and compliment Frank Grillo’s acting.  As stupid as this show is, dude’s committed.  His reaction completely conveys what it must be like for a disgraced cop from Chicago to move to a quiet suburb only to discover that not only are people pretty fucking shallow, but that all the worst fairy tales have turned out to be true – and guns are useless against them.  That’s a pretty specific piece of story to communicate, and Grillo’s doing beautifully.

Nick returns to the police station pissed the fuuuuuck off at Marcus.  He orders the practically trembling younger cop into his office and rips him several new assholes.  He screams in Marcus’ face that the lieutenant embarrassed himself and the department by disobeying orders, and sends him home for the day.  Marcus’ tail hangs even further than I thought possible between his legs as Leigh-vil watches him leave with pity in her eyes.

Nick sits down furiously at his desk, and armed with the failure of his strength and weapon against Dylan, accesses his last line of defense against the vampire – knowledge.  Or as it’s referred to nowadays – the Internet.

Know how they say not to type in private, embarrassing shit on work computers that could someday be used against you?  This is part of what they mean.

I actually Googled the same thing when I watched, and you know what I got?  “Wooden stake, idiot.  Do you live under a rock?”  Nick’s kind of a square sometimes.

Marcus arrives home coming apart at the seams at how fast his life has unraveled in less than 24 hours.  He sinks onto his couch, but unable to keep still, does something he should have done way before questioning Dylan, and searches Theresa’s luggage.  After all three seconds, he finds a notebook in the front pocket detailing all of Nick’s movements over the past week and a half.  Perplexing!  Commercial!

We immediately return to Marcus’ apartment where he’s somehow managed to summon Leigh-vil to help him interpret the mysterious notebook.  He wonders if Theresa and Nick could have been involved somehow.  Gross.  If Nick’s gonna cheat on Sarah with anyone, it’s gonna be Devon.  OhmiGod that would be so awesome!!!!  Marcus claims it would explain the way the decidedly unfriendly, non-mentorlike way Nick’s been acting toward him all day – at the very least, he thinks the chief knows what happened to his beloved of two weeks.  Leigh-vil slows him down asserting that the notebook could mean a lot of things, but if Marcus really believes something’s up, he’ll need more concrete evidence.  She advises that even though it’s not past the regulation 48 hours, they should run Theresa’s credit cards.  Marcus vows to find a way, and we cut to Andy.

Who’s a SadAndy, not at all reassured by Peg’s promise of an herbal cure-all.  Daddy Bates checks on his daughter and quickly deduces she’s not taking her diagnosis well at all.  He asks if she’s going to the Buckley’s party, and when she says no, he agrees that that’s wise, at least until Peg starts her on the medication.  He makes to leave, telling her he won’t be long, but Andy stops him.  She asks if her mother had the same rash she did, and if, when he and her mother “you know,” if her mother hurt him.  Thomas answers affirmative on both counts, and Andy wonders how they survived so many years of “you know”ing.  He says they made it work because they didn’t have any choice, and asks if Andy remembers all the times he got sick.

“Yeah – like, every Wednesday and Saturday morning!  And whenever mom had wine with dinner…  Damn,  you guys were like clockwork!”

She takes their success to mean that a healthy relationship is possible even without the medication, but Thomas holds her up, and says that he and Andy’s mother were in love, and had no other choice.  If they’d had the option of a cure, they would have jumped at it, but Andy’s still leery and is scared it won’t work.  Thomas firmly tells her to take it – that it’s her safest bet.  She pouts at the prospect of taking something that could only help her and the scene ends.  WTF, Andy?  Pop the pills and get to some makin’ out with Charlie – what could go wrong?

Leigh-vil toils into the night at the station when she receives a phone call from Marcus.  He’s found a connection running Theresa’s cards – apparently she was living in Chicago when she opened the account.  Leigh-vil bids the chief goodnight and tells Marcus he needs to get to the station right quick so they can continue the investigatin’!

It’s almost time for the party, and Sarah is trying to decide what to wear when Nick arrives home.  He is not in the mood to play stylist, or to give a shit about her new job at the school, and Sarah senses it.  He tells her he’s worried about her getting too entrenched in The Gates, and when she questions the irony of this attitude shortly before they’re about to attend a party in his honor, he enigmatically tells her that policework is as much about fitting into the community as it is about doing a good job.  Sometimes the pieces don’t fit, and it doesn’t work.  Subtext reads:  We moved into a neighborhood with fucking vampires -  time to go! Sarah crumbles a little inside, but doesn’t ask any more questions.

We move on to another doubtful couple as Claire sits at her vanity, coming down from her high at not being the most recent murderer in her house for once and starting to face the prospect of a night with Barbara at her heels.  She tells Dylan she doesn’t think they should go to the party, for fear of causing trouble, but he disagrees.  He’s done some thinking, and he’s realized that when someone (Nick) behaves recklessly, what they’re really doing is searching for someone to save them from themselves.  He claims that Nick is so focused on himself, he won’t see the damage he’s doing to those around him until it’s too late.  Claire asks how Dylan’s going to provide an intervention to this line of inevitable doom, and he answers that he’s going to let Theresa convince Nick change courses.  How that’s going to happen will be revealed at a later point in time, and we cut to back to the station.  I pray for some kind of Zombie reanimation to be involved, but I have a feeling I’m going to be disappointed.

Marcus and Leigh-vil are researching Nick’s time in Chicago, but keep coming up with nothing but articles about Nick’s shooting.  They strike gold after a minute, though, and discover a picture of the Wolcott family at Theresa’s brother’s funeral.  And there she is, Amanda Wolcott herself, right up in front.

Yahtzee!

Party time!  Cars line up outside Buckley’s impressive home, and we pan over the now-usual suspects – Vanessa (horribly dressed) and Frank, Barbara waving at Claire, and Dylan eyeing Nick from afar.  Aww, the bromance has hit a rough patch, but I think there’s hope.  Nick’s standing by a window, awkwardly greeting well-wishers when Sarah approaches telling him he’s fitting in just fine.  Needing to kill her evening, he tells her that the night’s young and she shouldn’t get her hopes up.  Vanessa arrives providing Sarah with some distraction from her much broodier than usual husband, and Devon (FABULOUSLY DRESSED) the perfect opportunity to sneak upstairs to the master bedroom.

Buckley’s room is about as douchey as it could possibly get, complete with ugly décor and a big ol’ portrait of himself covering a wall safe.  Devon smiles as she punches in a code, but it doesn’t work.  She tries another with the same result, and finally, after thinking a minute, punches in 051108 – the date of their divorce.  She’s half annoyed and half bemused when the code works, calling her ex “so predictable” as she snatches a DVD titled “Devon” from the safe, and replacing the disk.  There were a few other DVDs in the stack, with some very familiar names on them.

Me likey the blackmail.

She shuts the safe and the portrait just as the Ex-Man himself wanders up, wondering what she’s doing in his bedroom.  Devon covers beautifully, immediately turning on her Seducto-Ray, claiming she was just reliving some of the good times they had.  She slinks up to him, putting her arms around his neck and lays a kiss on a pair of unresponsive lips.  Frank pulls back, claiming he’s impervious to her charms now that he’s in love with Vanessa, and Devon exits, telling him not to be so sure – she’s got a whole new bag of tricks these days.  Like way better fashion sense than his bobble-headed new bride.  Frank smiles to himself, totally unaware he’s been had, and it’s back downstairs for us.

Charlie’s hanging around waiting for Andy, but gets a text from her letting him know that she’s sick and won’t be making it.  He sees the opportunity to act like a Romeo once more, so he steals some flowers from a nearby vase and runs off to greet his fair Juliet.  I wonder if she’ll suck the flowers dry just like she did you, Charlie.  Would that make her a vegetarian succubus?

Dylan continues to ogle Nick in a way that that is so totally noticeable I don’t know how Barbara hasn’t spread it around the party already that it’s Nick and Dylan that are having the affair, and not Claire.  He finally seizes his moment, and secret piece of paper in hand, walks up to congratulate Nick.  He slips the sheet into the chief’s hand when they go to shake, and whispers in his ear that the location of Theresa’s body is written upon it.  Nick can do with it what he likes, but Dylan hopes that Nick will protect the Radcliffe’s just like Dylan protected the Monohans.  With that he walks away, leaving Nick to contemplate the prospect of a daywalking vampire being his only buddy option in The Gates besides Marcus.  Commerical!

We return to the party to find Barbara making a gossip spree around the room worthy of Page Six, and Claire looks like she’s about to rip her own hair out.  She caves and calls Christian, leaving him a message that Barbara’s causing a problem, and his services might be needed for clean-up.  She stops mid-sentence to cancel, though, telling him not to call her back, that she’ll take care of it herself.  After all, if her husband’s allowed to kill and threaten to protect others, so should she be, right?

Right.

Oh Dylan, you are going to wish you hadn’t killed Theresa for so many more reasons by the end of the season.

Vanessa approaches Claire just as she hangs up and Claire compliments her on the party.  Not on her dress, I might add.  Claire spies Devon coming down the stairs just at that moment and wonders what in the flying fuck Frank’s psycho ex is doing there.  Vanessa happily explains that after their five-minute heart-to-heart that afternoon, they’re both ready to put betrayal, dislike and desire for vengeance behind them.  Claire doesn’t have time for this shit at the moment, and immediately tells Vanessa it’s fucking stupid, and maybe deadly to believe a word out of Devon’s mouth.  She also calls attention to Frank, the unfaithful husband, coming down the stairs shortly after Devon.  Vanessa finally looks doubtful of Devon’s friendship and slightly crushed, and if possible, becomes even dumber in my eyes.

Nick is fiddling with the piece of paper holding the location of Theresa’s body in front of a roaring fire when Marcus strolls in.  Nick looks like Marcus’ presence is the poisonous icing on the rancid cake that is this evening, and asks him what he’s doing there.  Marcus speeds into an explanation as quickly as he can, knowing he’s got limited time before Nick bitchslaps the talk out of him.  Luckily, Marcus manages to reveal that Theresa’s secret identity in time, and is able to explain his theory that Theresa was in The Gates most likely to hurt Nick somehow.  Nick tries valiantly to hide the massive sigh of relief that must be just dying to escape, and is able to smoothly answer Marcus’ questions that follow.  No he never met or saw Theresa before her arrival in The Gates – his review was not open to the public, and if he’d known her, he would have said something to Marcus when they met.  He plants the idea in Marcus’ head that whatever Theresa had planned to do to the Monohans, she obviously got cold feet, and Marcus believes him (inception!).  The young Jedi apologizes to the master for allowing Theresa to get so close, and the master offers forgiveness.  Nick tells Marcus (and himself), that sometimes difficult choices must be made in the lives of cops, and there are times when you just have to let it go.  Sarah approaches, drinks in hand, and Nick finally lets out that sigh of relief.  It’s done.  For now.

Marcus compliments Sarah’s dress and makes a hasty exit, all wounds repaired.  Nick takes a long drink and asks his wife if she’s really happy in The Gates.  Sarah answers that after the year they’ve had, the place is a paradise.  Charlie’s happy, Dana’s happy, she’s happy, and now all they need is for Nick to be happy.  He promises to try, and with that, he asks for a moment alone.  Sarah walks off, and Nick tosses the location of Theresa’s body in the fire, undergoing his own inception at Dylan’s hand.

Well, that about resolves everything for this episode, but there are still about seven minutes left, so it looks like it’s time for new mysteries to introduce themselves!  Enter Thomas and Peg!  Peg notices that he’s leaving early and Thomas claims he didn’t want to leave Andy alone for very long.  Peg tells him not to worry – that Andy will do fine on the medication (the as yet undeveloped, untested medication), and that maybe she’ll even get to a point where she won’t need it.  Then Andy’ll be able to make her life work just like her parents did.  But oh no!  It’s the return of Tortured Thomas!  What could be the matter?  Andy’s mom did NOT die in a car accident, it seems!  The couple was “you know”ing one night when things “went too far!”  Gasp!  No!  It’s true!  Thomas killed Andy’s mom!!!!

NOOOOOOO!!!!

DUH.  (Devon and I talk the same talk.)

Thomas didn’t have a choice.  Well, I disagree there.  I think he did have a choice – to lie better.  What self-respecting succubus dies in a car accident?  Andy’s gonna unravel this one just in time for sweeps, I’ll bet.

But Andy does!  Charlie throws pebbles at her window once more and this time she lets him in.  They flirt around for a little while, and Charlie sort of asks if they’re still dating, and she confirms they are.  She just needs to take things slow.  He’s super sweet and bumbling about the whole thing and she rewards him with a chaste kiss.  Awww.  They’re doomed.

It’s back to the party and time for Nick to make a speech.  He talks about his dedication to keeping The Gates safe and underscores that with the importance of being good neighbors – without good neighbors there’s no community to protect.  This whole scene is punctuated by a montage consisting a shot of Claire watching Barbara, Thomas watching Andy sleep, Devon watching her DVD (“you know”ing with Brian Krakow!!!), Frank watching Vanessa take a lonely bath… and simultaneously watching a video of Theresa’s murder.  Which he then labels “Dylan and Nick.”  It’s placed on a stack amidst other famous titles such as Lucas Ford, Claire Radcliffe and other hits.  Oh Frank, you know all the secrets of the past…

…but not the future.

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It should come as no surprise to anyone that Pretty Little Liars has become my new religion. It’s the new Gossip Girl.  I subscribe to the testament of A, and preach the good word of Aria in my everyday life. My summer reading list is made up of only books I feel Ezra would share with the class. These sexy sleuths have made this summer even hotter- keep it up!
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As I mentioned in the About Last Night for this episode, this Rescue Me used the exact same setup as The Hangover movie did.  In case you’ve never seen the highest grossing comedy of all time, that means: there’s a crazy night out, everyone passed out, someone goes missing, everyone else has to find that person using clues from last night which make no sense out of context.  Specifically, this time Tommy and Colleen go out for a night of revelry, and she winds up lost, and everyone panics, and Tommy panics a little less than everyone else because he’s too drained of life to feel virtually any human emotion, including the sheer visceral terror of a parent about to lose a child.

So if you’re inclined get frustrated whenever Tommy reacts to something with less vigor than a normal person would, I would say get it out of your system now.  Otherwise, you will be thinking, “Jesus Christ, Tommy, YOUR DAUGHTER MIGHT BE DEAD SO FORGET ABOUT GETTING FUCKING COFFEE” for the entire time you spend reading this.

ACT ONE
The episode begins with Tommy showing up alone at the neighborhood hangout.  He’s been boozing and brawling lately, but not in a charming, fun, “we listen to Dropkick Murphy’s” kind of way, more like a sad, spiraling-out-of-control kind of way.  Cousin Eddie tells him he’s not allowed to smoke in the bar or bring in his own bottle, so he relegates him to the back room.

There, Tommy gets a visit from Cousin Jimmy.  We haven’t seen him this season, or much at all over the past couple.  He’s Tommy’s best friend, the firefighter who died on 9/11.  He often acts as Tommy’s conscience, but he can appears when Tommy is drinking.

Basically he’s an alcoholic’s version of Jiminy Cricket

Jimmy’s not happy with Tommy’s sorry state of affairs.  He thinks Tommy should be trying to make something of his life, motivated by the fact that he, Jimmy, died on 9/11 while Tommy lived.  If he had survived 9/11, Jimmy says, he wouldn’t be skulking around some sad-ass back room.  He would be LIVING, damn it.

Tommy dismisses him.  He’s heard this shit sooooo many times before from Jimmy and everyone else.  Jimmy shoots back that at least in death he gets to be a hero.  And Tommy finally snaps.  He beats the shit out of him.

We learn a little more about Jimmy.  He’s mostly portrayed by the writers as the paragon of firefighterly virtue on the show, and the characters do idealize him in their memories at the fallen hero.  He was a better firefighter than Tommy, a better father, and a better person.  But here Tommy points out how many times he had to save Jimmy from drunken situations.  They don’t elaborate on what those situations might have been, but it raises some interesting questions.  I’m assuming Tommy was a much different person before 9/11, not nearly as awful as he is now, but they have hinted that before that, as much as he’s fallen apart after 9/11, Tommy was still distant as a husband and father, and still an alcoholic, before that day.  What about Jimmy?  Were he and Tommy propping each other up back then?

Tommy is livid.  How dare Jimmy call himself a hero when Tommy knows all the warts and inconsistencies in Jimmy’s life?  He concludes the beat-down by telling Jimmy he’s glad he’s dead.

At first I thought Tommy was just lashing out at his conscience, but I think he might be a little more justified than that.  This is an ongoing theme they’ve visited on Rescue Me, about how making someone a hero means overlooking their flaws, or even pretending they don’t exist, and how that process can be harmful to someone who’s been treated as a hero, because he or she acquires all this extra guilt just for having those normal flaws.

But then, things get worse.

The other main ghost in Tommy’s life shows up–the grown-up version of his son Connor, the one who got killed in the hit-and-run when Tommy wasn’t paying attention.  Tommy immediately starts yelling at Connor for playing in the street when he shouldn’t have, which makes Connor go to pieces.  Tommy tells Connor he knew he’d always grow up to be a pussy, and then blames Connor for destroying his marriage to Janet.

Just vile stuff here, but not gratuitous.  I actually thought this scene was the strongest part of the episode.  Yeah, if you’re Tommy, your self-loathing would get so acute you’d attack the people you love, dead or not.  Denis Leary nailed it.  And that’s not to say the rest of it goes downhill from here.

Usually the moment before the opening credits offers some kind of laugh.  This week, we end on this:

ACT TWO

After the opener, Mick arrives at the bar, and he and Eddie stand outside the back room to confirm that Tommy is still going strong.  Very much so, he’s making quite a racket.  Mick asks Eddie whether Tommy was carrying a top-shelf bottle of whiskey—i.e., the one he and Teddy sarcastically gave Tommy for falling back off the wagon—and Eddie tells him it was half empty.  Mick can’t believe Tommy is still conscious, but he gives Eddie some extra cash to buy Tommy some more rounds.  Nail in the coffin, he says, in case the bottle of whiskey doesn’t knock him out.
Inside, Tommy gets a call from Colleen.  Now that the real world intervenes, Tommy immediately tells her how much he loves her.  He feels so guilty for the earlier shit he even tells her she’s his favorite, and goes on to list her positive qualities.  She asks him for a ride and, surprise, Tommy gets in his truck to pick her up.

And they go bar hopping together.  Things are fuzzy.  They veer between showering each other with love, bickering, and taking pictures of each other doing stupid shit.

As someone whose life has never been affected by drunk driving, this scene was hilarious!

They get into a fight about something trivial, and then they cut to Sheila’s apartment, where Tommy stumbles through the door, alone.  He also tries to make out with her, which I liked a lot.

Sheila good-naturedly steers Tommy to the guest bedroom and plops him down on the bed.  Then, who should appear but Mick, in a towel.

What’s the slang for a sexy older guy who used to be a priest?  “Saint Peter”?

Luckily, because Tommy turns murderous when something like this happens, he’s too drunk to realize where he is, and passes out.

ACT THREE

When he comes to, he’s suddenly in Janet’s apartment, AND it looks like it’s been hit by a tornado.  He’s even more bruised and bloodied and now his lips have a weird green stain around them.

He goes to the bathroom to take a piss and finds the house phone in the toilet.  Then, his own phone rings.  It’s Franco.  It’s their day off.  There’s a situation at the firehouse.  Franco sounds pissed.

When Tommy shows up, Franco attacks him.  “Janet’s done being your punching bag!” he warns.  Apparently some time after Sheila’s Tommy terrorized Janet, so she took Katie and fled to a relative’s house.  Shit.

Then Black Sean asks Tommy if he’s seen Colleen.  Nobody has heard from her since ten the night before.  At first…Tommy says he wasn’t even with her, which is a lie.  His daughter might be missing, but on first learning that he’s somehow more preoccupied with who gets the blame than with finding her.

But in any case he can’t remember what happened, so he heads to the kitchen for some coffee.  Maybe that will help.

Seriously.  Tommy is a total bitch without coffee.

Before that, though, Tommy stops off for a piss and realizes he’s wearing a thong.  Where did that come from?  And wouldn’t you know, Chief Feinberg enters the bathroom at this exact moment, sees Tommy’s thong sticking out of his pants, and walks away shaking his head.

The horror…the horror

So on that note, Tommy joins the others in the kitchen to try to reconstruct last evening.   Here the episode eases into the standard mystery format, except in this case the detective barely cares about solving it, and everyone else has to drag him along until the end.

Everyone starts interrogating him.  When did you pick her up?  Where did you go?  Do you remember anything?

Needles asks my favorite question: “Is there a message from Colleen on your phone?”

That actually turns out to be a good question, because Tommy didn’t think to check something like that.  He pulls out his cell dial’s Colleen’s number, and they hear it ringing…from Tommy’s other pocket.  (And the ring tone for her dad is a barking dog). When he pulls it out, he also finds his pocket is full of sand.

Black Sean has an idea—Colleen loves to take photos, so he figures her phone will have some pics that could yield some clues.  He flips through them and…

All right, I got no snark.  This is hilarious

But Black Sean was onto something, because next in the file is a picture of Tommy hugging a mysterious woman in a leather jacket.  Tommy has no idea who it is, so Lou hands him a water glass full of booze.  Images start coming to him.  He remembers…drinking booze.

He empties his pockets and finds some clues:

-a pair of clip-on diamond earrings…which couldn’t be Colleen’s, because she hates clip-ons

-a bar napkin with the name “Alice” and a Central Park West address

-and Tommy remembers a name.  “Henderson’s,” from a sign somewhere, probably a pub

Tommy doesn’t remember an Alice.  Is she the woman in the leather jacket?  They can’t tell.  Franco figures out there are six pubs with the name “Henderson’s” in the area, so they decide to split up.  Garrity, Mike, and Damien will check out the pubs, while Tommy, Lou, and, Needles, and Franco will go to Central Park West.  Ready, break!

First we go to the Central Park West address, which is an apartment building.  Tommy has two more glimpses: an attractive lady coming in to kiss him, then an angry doorman attacking him.

The plate-glass windows in the lobby have been busted out the helpful super tells them it was caused by some asshole who showed who up with Alice last night picked a fight with the doorman.  Sounds about right so far.

Then the doorman from last night spots Tommy.  “It’s the green-puking asshole!  Police!” he yells.  The guys run off.

Oh yeah, and Lou’s wearing Elmer Fudd’s hat throughout this episode for some reason

Then, Garrity, Mike, and Damien arrive at the first Henderson’s.  A lecherous bartender doesn’t remember Colleen, but does give them a free round because they’re firemen.  They stop to enjoy it, despite Damien’s objections.

Having reached a dead end, the other four return to the fire house.  Janet is there.  She starts hitting Tommy. It’s partly because he may or may not have gotten another of their children killed, but she’s also pissed about whatever it is Tommy did at her place last night. The hitting dislodges another memory for Tommy…he was at Janet’s to confront her about sleeping with Franco which, as far as I know, she hasn’t.

Janet asks him, “Do you hate me that much?” referring to a threat he made against her.  In the flashback all he can remember is threatening that “she’ll never see the kids again” if it turns out she did sleep with Franco.  That threat could go a few ways, but no matter what, uuuuuugly.

Tommy wanders over to the break room so he can feel sorry for himself, and Mick and Teddy show up.  Tommy vaguely remembers Mick being at Sheila’s, and asks him about it, but Mick evades.

They ask Tommy if Colleen drank from the bottle of whiskey they gave him earlier as a present…Tommy wants to know why, and they confess that they, uh, laced the bottle with something.  They don’t say what.

Teddy tries to justify it.  It was their last option to get him off the sauce!  You’re our flesh and blood and we love you!

But Teddy does NOT say, “I must have Alzheimer’s because not even a month ago I tried to murder you, then disowned you when you survived!  You got my wife and only reason to live killed!”

Then Janet comes in and sets everyone straight.  Tommy, of course, wallows in self-pity, but Janet tells him to straighten the fuck up and find Colleen.

ACT FOUR

Somewhere in New York, there is a bar.  At that bar, there are skanks.  One of those skanks is the bartender’s mother.  Every night she hangs out at that bar, pounding down free booze and loudly offering her vagina to passersby.  Tommy is having a flashback to this bar, where he and Colleen met this woman, and where he accepted that offer, of her vagina.

What, you expected her to LOOK like a skank?  Come on.  Denis Leary is an executive producer on this show

Then skank’s bartender son comes over.  He’s perturbed about his mother, but apparently he’s grown to accept it.  Lucky for him, tonight he gets to meet a girl his own age.  His mom introduces him to Colleen.

Here’s what he looks like.  Name’s Hank.

But the flashback doesn’t yield any clues, so all Tommy and the rest of the gang can do is wait around the fire house.  Well, that’s probably not all they can do, but it’s all they do do.

Meanwhile, Garrity, Mike, and Damien show up at another Henderson’s.  Still no sign of Colleen, still more free beer, and they go with the flow.

Back at the firehouse, finally, Tommy gets a phone call.  This time it’s from a woman named Jean.  She’s also a character from last night…is she this new woman with the bartender son?  Maybe.  He can’t remember.  She tells him her address and they all head over.

Along the way Tommy vaguely recalls another horrifying tableau…he and “Jean” are making out on her couch, when Colleen and Hank start to head upstairs.  I guess the father-daughter, mother-son combo hookup is Tommy’s threshold, because he breaks everything up and drags Colleen out of there.

They arrive at Jean’s.  She answers the door.  She’s a little different than he remembers…

I take that back.  For once, Tommy’s hookup roughly equals Denis Leary in attractiveness

She calls out to her son, Hank.  He comes down to meet them.

Meet the real Hank, a.k.a. Ignatius J. Reilly

And she introduces him…

JEAN: Hank, you remember Tommy from last night.

HANK: Oh yeah…I didn’t recognize you without your tongue halfway down my mom’s throat.

JEAN: Be nice!

HANK: Um, kiss my balls.

JEAN: Maybe if I did you wouldn’t jerk off so much!

HANK: I don’t jerk off! (stomps back upstairs).

This is another, shittier theme from Rescue Me…every mother-son relationship on the show is like this, in varying shades of grotesque.  Mother issues much?

Anyway, they ask Jean about the earrings and the thong, and they aren’t hers.  And she doesn’t remember a bar called Henderson’s.  They met at a place called the Rockaway Beach Inn.  They head over to check it out, and it’s a dead end.  Once again they go back to the firehouse, only now Tommy is starting to worry about Colleen.

There, another woman shows up.  It’s Alice

Let’s not get TOO carried away.  You can’t expect both drunken hookups to not be supermodels

She wants her earrings back.  She’s not too thrilled with Tommy, because a) he couldn’t perform the night before, and b) in addition to causing $3,000 in damage at her building, he drained a $14 bottle of crème de menthe, which is how he got the green lips.

When he couldn’t get it up, she decided to have some fun with him and play dress up.

She tells him he can keep the thong.

Tommy gets pissy when everyone has a laugh at his expense, but Alice tells him he has no right to be angry—she’s the one with the empty bottle of crème de menthe and the bedroom full of sand.  And THIS jogs Tommy’s memory.  Henderson’s isn’t a pub, it’s a beach!

It was this offhand remark that helped him remember this.  And not his pocket full of fucking sand.

So they head over to Henderson Beach.  It’s dark.  Everyone combs the tall grass, calling out Colleen’s name.

Tommy has some more flashbacks—remembers how he got his bloody knuckles, from punching a family photo.

Then he sweeps his flashlight out in front of him, and there’s Colleen.  She’s unresponsive, but after a moment, she comes to.  Fin.

Know what?  I didn’t like how Tommy was the one who found her.  Wouldn’t it have hit way harder if someone else discovered her on that beach, and everyone else comforted her while he just stood there?  Or even if Colleen found her way back on her own, no matter what everyone did to try and find her?  Why not make Tommy completely useless?

But that’s the episode.  Overall I kind of enjoyed Rescue Me’s foray into mystery territory, even if it wasn’t perfect.  And I’m really excited for next week.  They’re doing a musical.
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Man, this has been a big news filled Friday! Heidi Montag has officially filed for divorce from her douchebag husband, Spencer Pratt. The reason she’s filing: irreconcilable differences. I’m so glad she woke up and saw the light. She lost her TV best friend, she made an ass of herself on TV with her dumb husband, had over 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day with her husband’s blessing, and is now regarded as a total joke, compared to the sweet girl we met on The Hills.

It’s about time, Heidi! And, all of me wants to believe you are actually fed up with you husband, and you aren’t doing this for publicity now that The Hills is over.

You never know with her, she’s been a puppet for so long, she’s bound to pick up bad habits from her puppet master.
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Hi Gasmii, P-Baby back again for another installment of Horrorgasm.  I think you all are in for a little treat today.  On the suggestion from a loyal reader, I’ve decided this week to indulge in B-movie classic Killer Klowns from Outer Space.  The decision was rather easy, as it was already added to my Netflix Instant Queue which means no effort expended to obtain and watch.  I’ve not had the pleasure of viewing this before but any movie involving alliterated Klowns that are murderous AND from space gets an A+ from me.

So I come from a long line (me, Papa and Uncle P-Baby) of B-movie lovers.  It was Papa P-Baby after all who sat me down and popped Cry-Baby into the VCR,  forever sealing Johnny Depp as a boyfriend of mine and even sparking my blogging name after the title character.  I don’t, however, think that Papa P-Baby expected my John Waters obsession to continue by ordering  Pink Flamingos on DVD and forcing Mr. P-Baby to watch on a quarterly basis.  I actually can’t believe I haven’t watched Killer Klowns sooner, but today is the day that I make things right with the B-movie universe.  At the risk of having Klown nightmares for the foreseeable future, here we go!

Over a dark sky, awesomely lit up credits roll and I’m already smiling my ass off.  This movie already feels like coming home to the Promised Land.  B- movies are just so unintentionally charming.

It’s just another night at the Big Top Burger where we meet Police Officer Mooney out on the beat and giving everyone the stink eye, just like good old cops do.  I recognized him immediately but could not figure out where until Wikipedia informed me he played the evil Sherman Krader in Ernest Goes To Camp.  It should come as no surprise to any of you that I am an avid fan of the Ernest movies.

Officer Mooney is ready to kick some ass because he’s bored and it’s a Friday night.  Meanwhile, at the Top of the World where all horny Crescent Cove teens go to exchange bodily fluids, an ice cream truck shows up totally killing the mood after cock blocking Paul Terenzi starts hollering about selling ice cream to a bunch of teenagers that are more interested in getting their rocks off than popsicles.  Sorry, Paul.  This is where we first meet Mike Tobacco and his gal pal Debbie Stone.

Paul and his brother Rich are actually on a double date themselves with the hottest girls this side of the 80′s who are rocking some Delta Burke hair and shoulder pads. They refuse to park with the ice cream brothers and demand to be taken home.  I admit that I’d probably let Paul or Rich cop a feel if it meant free ice cream sandwiches and push pops for the summer.

Mike and Debbie continue on their date and start making out in the back of a vehicle which is conveniently padded by an…inflatable raft?  Was this make-out protocol in the 80′s because I have definitely never seen this technique before.  Ehh, whatever works.  I’d make out with Mike on a bed of nails if need be and I wouldn’t even make him use a raft.  Also, Mike and Debbie appear to be on the on the far side of 25, thus a little beyond the stage of making out in Mike’s car.

Mike and Debbie are witness to what appears to be a shooting star fly overhead and it lands in the yard of Farmer Gene with a requisite old mutt on his front porch.  I bet he’s also got a shotgun mounted over his fireplace and a toothless wife pickling pig’s feet in the kitchen.  Of course the shooting star landed in this guy’s yard.  Mysterious overhead flying objects never land in the yard of a scientist or astronaut who might have a shot at not getting eaten by whatever life form just touched down on earth.  Farmer Gene mistakenly thinks it is Halley’s comet and gets pumped that he’ll be rich with tourists coming to see it.   He brings with him his dog, a shovel and a lantern because no one in scary movies ever feels it necessary to equip themselves with any sort of weaponry.

On his hunt, Farmer Gene stumbles across a brightly lit circus tent in the woods and he gets even more excited because he loves the circus!  Hey guy, I love the circus too but no amount of cotton candy is going to tempt me to explore a mysterious circus tent in the woods in the middle of the night unless I’m a child actor in Canada starring in an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark.

He explores a little and after not finding anyone or anything, he declares the tent to be quite peculiar.  God damn it Farmer Gene.  Peculiar is when your chickens lay fewer eggs one month or your piglet starts hanging out with a spider in the barn.  A circus tent in the middle of the woods that has never been there before is fucking ridiculous and cause for immediate alarm.  Stop drooling over cotton candy and go get your shotgun.  One of the klowns captures the Farmer Gene’s dog while he’s not looking, upsetting him verily.  He tries to tear the tent apart in a fit of rage and gets jolted by electricity running through the poles.  What in tarnation?!  As he recovers on the ground, a jovial looking fellow approaches and shoots him with a ray gun, trapping him in a glob of cotton candy.

Back at the police station, Officer Mooney is questioning a couple of juvenile delinquents who were drinking some wine in town.  Officer Mooney overreacts and throws them against the wall, demanding they empty their pockets and insists they are the scum of the earth for committing crimes against humanity such as littering and having an open container.  Mooney is kind of a dick.  He and another officer, Dave, argue about whose nuts are bigger before throwing the two kids in the drunk tank.

Mike and Debbie are still chasing the location of the shooting star and make their way through the woods.  They stumble across the same tent that the Farmer Gene found.  Mike’s face lights up like a Christmas tree but Debbie is wary of the whole thing, proving me wrong that girls in scary movies are nothing more  have more than tits and ass.  Mike’s faded denim encased butt cheeks convince Debbie to check out the tent anyway.  How could Mike possibly not find anything wrong with stumbling upon a circus tent in the middle of the forest?  Remember when Hansel and Gretel found a gingerbread house covered in candy in the woods?  They were all excited until they realized that the witch lady wanted to deep fry their asses for dinner and Gretel had to pull some ninja shit and push that bitch in the oven.  The point is, when you discover your childhood wonderland places in the forest, stay the fuck away.

They boldly enter the tent and discover a brightly painted funhouse slightly reminiscent of  the Double Dare sound stage.  They continue to explore, pushing a bunch of buttons and getting sucked into a transportation tube to another part of the tent.  They realize that they are definitely not at the circus and Mike’s all, “Debbie, what is this place?  It could be a nuclear power plant or military base, maybe even CIA headquarters or a Russian spy plane for all we know!” and Debbie’s all, “Mike, you are an idiot.”

Also, this circus tent appears to be powered by one of those static balls Spencer’s used to sell where you touch your finger on it and all the neon electric things move to the top.  I used to think my life would not be complete until I owned one of those things…I kind of still feel that way.

Debbie realizes they are in fact in the shooting star they initially set out to find just as a shadow starts to approach them down the hallway.  They jump into another transportation tube to a new room and giant pink ball sacks made out of cotton candy are hanging everywhere.  Mike’s all, “Mmmmm candy.  Me like. Munch munch munch.”   Meanwhile, Debbie’s like “Uh, hello dumbass, we need to get the hell out of here.”  Debbie’s not a believer in UFO’s but she’s becoming more and more convinced they have stumbled across an alien piece of machinery.  Mike refuses to give up on the cotton candy dream, stating that he believes this all to be perfectly normal, even tearing off a piece to eat.  5-year old Mike would be a child molester’s dream.  He’d get lured with a box of raisins and a Dum Dum.  That shit really used to piss me off at Halloween.   What the hell do they expect me to trade a box of raisins for?

A clown arrives into the cotton candy room to hang another pod of candy while Mike and Debbie watch from a hiding spot.   They make a run for it, narrowly escaping the clown with his popcorn shooting gun, which looks like something I need to get my hands on immediately.  The clowns are pissed at this intrusion and use a balloon animal dog to track Mike and Debbie’s scent through the woods.

Time out.  Gasmii, this movie is fucking awesome.  In the first twenty minutes I’ve seen an evil Klown, a cotton candy gun, a popcorn gun, a circus tent UFO that I’d gladly allow to abduct me, and a balloon animal hunting dog.  My only regret is not having discovered this sooner.  Thank you all for enlightening me!

Mike backs into the clowns with his truck and they manage to flee the woods intact.  Debbie wants to go to the police to tell them about the clowns but Mike doesn’t think anyone will believe them.  That’s a pretty safe assumption.  The clowns are now really pissed off and hungry, ready to begin their occupation of Crescent Cove to inflict mass destruction and overrun the population.

Mike and Debbie get to the police station and try to convince Officer Dave of what they just saw.  Bozo, Krusty, Pennywise, and the rest of the gang have made their way onto main street ready to tear some shit up.

Debbie starts to spill her guts to Dave about the circus tent right when Officer Mooney rounds the corner.  Dave is still listening attentively to Debbie as they are former paramours and he’s probably down for a threesome with her, Mike, and the raft.  Mooney hears some crap about a spaceship and killer clowns and calls bullshit on Debbie and Mike. Mooney recognizes Mike as a friend of the Ice Cream Terenzi brothers who apparently are not in good favor with Mooney due to their ice cream shenanigans.  Dave finally agrees to drive back over to the tent location but not before he insists on dropping Mike and Debbie off at home.

So as Mike, Debbie, and Dave are off for a little kinky raft sex, the Klowns start terrorizing the people of Crescent Cove.  One is shot with the cotton candy ray gun at a puppet show while a few other clowns ransack a drug store while the owner watches on terrified of the white-faced, red nosed demon beings in his shop. Another group of clowns show up at the door of a pretty young blonde woman under the guise of a pizza delivery.  They get her with the cotton candy ray gun too, along with a couple others.  Is it naive to believe that I could totally survive a cotton candy gun blast?  I think these Klowns might underestimate the fact that I can eat the hell out of some cotton candy and once I managed to eat my way through the shell, I’d be in such a sugar-induced frenzy that’d I’d karate chop their asses and cartwheel back to my beloved couch.

The clowns continue to wreck the drug store while Dave and Mike look for the circus tent after dropping Debbie off.  Of course it’s gone now, making Mike look nuts and causing Dave to question Mike’s story.  Dave arrests Mike for making false claims though I secretly suspect he’s into a little bondage action and has a canoe he’s been dying to break in with Mike as the perfect test candidate.

So just like humans, some of the Klowns prefer a rough and tough lifestyle of tattoos, boozing, and hogs.  One such Klown pulls up to a biker bar on a tricycle and gets taunted by club patrons.  OK Biker dudes, listen carefully.  Klown on tricycle = run like hell.

These biker guys have balls because I’m definitely not going to fuck with a midget in a clown suit at a bar.  You know why?  Because that dude is fucking nuts and serves as my official cue to put the tequila shot down and take a cab home.   The clown punches one of the patrons in the head, decapitating the shit out of him and causing the rest of the crowd to flee.  Awesome.  The terrorizing continues as another guy is run off the road, crashing into a fireball of twisted metal while Bozo points and laughs at him.

At the Big Top Burger, one of the clowns beckons a child diner outside.  Is this child blind?  I’m not going anywhere near this fucker.  He looks like he’s beckoning her to the entrance of hell.

Dave and Mike come across an abandoned car with shit strewn all over the road and covered in cotton candy residue.  Another vehicle is found with the entire inside candied as well.   He begrudgingly takes off Mike’s handcuffs now that he knows Mike was actually telling the truth.

At the station, Officer Mooney drinks some Jack, puffs a stogie, and mumbles to himself.

The phone keeps ringing and it’s the drug store guy calling to report the demonic clowns that have ransacked his store.  Another call comes in about a missing wife carried away in a balloon and yet another with a crying baby.  Officer Mooney says to hell with everyone and gets loaded.  Officer Mooney and I would get along like two peas in a pod.

A quick shot of Debbie undressing to get in the shower.  Horror movie chicks are always getting in the shower.

A clown dumps some more of the popcorn into a dumpster outside the Big Top Burger.  A Big Top employee empties the trash.  I’m all for people needing to make buck here and there because we all have bills to pay but dude is dressed like he just came from an eight year old’s birthday party at the Crescent Cove Rock n Bowl.  If he was eight, this would be completley fine, but he’s 27 and wearing an apron that could suspiciously be used to conceal inappropriate boners.  Big Top Burger could totally be an awesome place to work if everyone was dressed like Ringleaders with tophats and whips to fling at customers when they take too long ordering their shitty value meals.  Just saying.  Anyway, Burger perv falls into the dumpster and gets attacked by the popcorn.

Dave and Mike cruise around like the two 80′s B-movie hunks they are trying to figure out what’s going on with the cotton candy.  One of the clowns shows up at a bus stop and entertains a bunch of folks including two geezers with some shadow puppets against the wall.  How could they possibly entertained by shadow puppets?  Those stupid things didn’t entertain me when I was five.  Dave and Mike happen across the shadow puppet clown just as it makes a tyranusaurus rex puppet eat the adoring crowd.  Mike grabs the steering wheel of the cop car in an attempt to run the the clown down but it jumps straight up and out of sight.

Dave calls Officer Mooney back at the station frantic about the clowns. Old Drunk Mooney tells him to fuck off, convinced that it’s a conspiracy prank to get him to quit.  Mike spots the Terenzi brothers ice cream truck fly by and he catches up to them.  Mike tells them about the clowns and convinces the two horny bastards to drive him over to Debbie’s house.

Officer Mooney’s telephones are blowing up but he just keeps puffing away  and reads some porn, ignoring them all.   A clown peaks his cute little face into the station and approaches Mooney  He gives Mooney a bouquet of flowers and shoots him in the face with water, pissing him off.  He arrests the clown but its hands detach like a lizards tail.  Officer Mooney draws his gun on the fellow and puts him in the jail cell with the juvies from earlier.  The clown kills Mooney with one of the birthday party blowers that unroll and make a bunch of noise.

Debbie’s still taking the longest shower ever.  Al Gore’s going to be pissed but he’ll probably just ask Debbie for a hand job and call the whole thing even.

Dave shows up at the station and barely notices some subtle footprints on the floor.  He follows the trail to the holding cell area, where the footprints are all over the wall, floor and ceiling.  All that’s left are cotton candy pods.  Dave stumbles across the clown, who is using Officer Moody’s body as a dummy.   Dave you better stop hanging around and get the hell out of there.  Dave decides to shoot the clown a bunch of times which appears to have no effect until he gets him on the schnozz.  The clown spins out of control in a green haze of neon scribble and explodes.

Dave calls for back up, but Dave, you know how to kill the clowns now.  What are you waiting for?  The Terenzi brothers and Mike are still cruising to Debbie’s house and they see a bunch of clowns with multiple cotton candy pods, streamers and a parade float sucking up the pods for storage.

Debbie is finally out of the shower and hears some strange noises.  The popcorn has turned into little killer clown heads who attack her from the hamper, the toilet and the medicine cabinet.

Debbie manages to escape though I sort of wish she hadn’t due to the crime of fashion she’s committing.  Oversized sweater, jeans, leg warmers, AND a dangly earring paired with a smaller earring?  Fail, Debbie.    A clown disguising its voice as Mike tricks her into opening the front door so she tries to go out the window and realizes she’s surrounded.   The clowns get into Debbie’s house and shoot her with a ray gun trapping her in a giant balloon.

The clowns make off with Debbie just as the ice cream truck arrives and a chase ensues with a clown car being chased by an ice cream truck followed by Dave’s cop car.  The Terenzi brother slams the brakes on when he sees Dave behind them, causing an accident.  Dave ditches his police cruiser and jumps in the ice cream truck as the clowns head for an amusement park.  One of the amusement park rent a cops tells the clowns to get the hell out of there but they’re not having it and chuck a bunch of pies at the guy, smothering him with delicious lemon and cherry filling.

Dave, Mike and the Terenzi brothers enter into the clowns’ circus tent once again, looking about as effective to take on killer alien clowns as a 90′s boy band.  Mike and Dave are the hot Timberlake bleached Jheri curled members while the Terenzi’s get to be the ugly Chris “I’ve got braces and braids but still get laid by association” Kirkpatrick members.  They continue making their way through and arrive at a door.  And another door.  Another door.  Holy shit,  ANOTHER DOOR!

The Terenzi’s stumble across a booby trap and fall through a trap door into a plastic ball pit that I was obsessed with when I was younger.  There are two busty woman clowns sitting at the pit waiting for them and they are already popping wood despite their evil clown faces and busted clown weaves.  The Terenzi’s need to get the hell out of the back of their ice cream truck and find themselves a couple of hookers so they can just get laid and end their quest for pussy.

Mike and Dave continue through the tent finding the same transportation tube area that Mike and Debbie had previously discovered.  The previously almost empty cotton candy room is now filled with pods.  Balloons are also in there as well and they search for Debbie’s to no avail.  A chubby clown comes down into the pod ready to get his eat and drink on.  He sticks a crazy straw (Crazy straws!  Ok, I officially want to hang out with the clowns.  There was a period of time in my life where I would only drink out of crazy straws.  It also looks like they’d let me eat as many rainbow sprinkles as I want with no judgment.  Heaven.)  Chubbo starts sucking fluid out of the cotton candy pod while Mike and Dave watch on.  They realize the clowns are eating everyone and Mike freaks out as his cotton candy dreams come crashing down.

They finally find Debbie’s balloon and rescue her out of it.  The three make a run for it and have attracted the attention of all the clowns.  Dave shoots one and they escape down a fire pole despite not knowing what lies at the bottom.  They keep running through a balloon room and escape through a small doorway.  They barricade the door but realize they have landed smack into the heart of the tent, full of pissed off clowns that want to use them as pinatas.  The angry clown mob is pissed but just as things look dire, the Terenzi brothers bust in letting the three escape.  They try to back out of the tent but the truck is stuck.

Big bad boss Klown arrives to put an end to all the bullshit and he does not look happy, though he should be ecstatic.

The Terenzis refuse to leave their truck while Mike, Debbie and Dave run away.  The truck gets tossed to the side in a fiery explosion and Boss Hog turns his sights on the three.  Mike and Debbie run to safety while Dave uses himself as a distraction.

The circus tent starts to take off with Dave inside, who is failing miserably at shooting Boss Klown in his big red honker.  Mike, Debbie and the rest of the homely Crescent Cove police force watch helplessly as the tent takes off.  Just then, Boss Klown picks Dave up who manages to stab him in the nose with his badge.

The tent explodes into fireworks, dropping the clown car out of the sky with Dave and the Terenzi’s safely inside.  Apparently they escaped the explosion by hiding in the freezer.  Mike doesn’t seem to care that Dave is totally scamming on Debbie right now, nuzzling the back of her Aquanetted head.  Just as things seem safe, Mike, Debbie, and Dave get doused with pies!  They’ll be back!

Go to Source

In the unlikely event that you had forgotten Preston and Hair hate each other, this episode starts off with them performing voodoo on each other.  They both decide gaining weight is a proper form of torture, which involves them sticking needles very near the groin of the voodoo doll.  Preston also chooses incontinence, saying he hope Hair can’t shit for a lifetime.  My guess is he’s way too uptight to poop, so he spews bullshit from his mouth instead.  Hair’s retaliation is that he would like Preston to lose his keys.  I bet if he did, he could hop the fence without hurting his precious little shoulder.

Sidenote:  Anyone else see those first ads for Charlie St. Cloud awhile back and think it looked like some sort of SNL spoof or something?  No?  Just me?  Moving on.

Starfish declares herself a lover, not a hater.  That’s all well and good, but maybe she could muster up just the tiniest amount of hate for the date rapists she keeps attracting?  Meathead tells us he’s Bohemian, which she thinks means he’s from the Bahamas.

Because this is clearly the skin tone of someone from a tropical island.

After he explains Bohemian, she says that she was a gypsy, and she and seven of her friends traveled around stealing stuff.  Isn’t she like 21?  When did she find time to do this?  Hair gets all intense, as per usual, insisting that she tell him whether or not she’s lying.  She giggles in response, and if she was messing with Hair I could totally get behind it but based on Meathead’s reactions I don’t think he was in on it.  Meathead asks her if she’s ever killed somebody, and her response is priceless:  ”Like, what do you mean by somebody?”

Oh, I don’t know, maybe like the seven other human beings who sleep under the same roof as you?  That kind of somebody?

Meathead tells us she’s “out there” and sometimes he wants to throw her a rope and reel her back in.  She leaves the room and he turns to Hair all “WTF?”  Hair is sure she was a gypsy, and Meathead thinks she stabbed somebody.  (Sidenote: go to MTV.com if you haven’t already and watch the extras from this week.  Hilarious comments/impressions from Meathead & Eyes about Starfish being creepy and them thinking she’d stab someone while sleepwalking.)  Meathead says he’s been missing a black sock, while Hair’s dental floss has also vanished.  SCANDALOUS!

Better hope Starfish isn’t into voodoo, because something tells me she wouldn’t bother with the doll.

Meathead and Jimmeh attempt to take a romantic bubble bath, and are subsequently interrupted/cockblocked by several roomies, culminating with Preston whipping it out in Meathead’s face.  Awwww, poor guy.

The roomies are excited because they get to be on a Mardi Gras float that is famous for handing out plungers.  Starfish tells a friend on the phone that 99.9% of New Orleans never gets to be on a float.  While I’m sure that it is difficult to get on a float (without some pull from MTV) and that plenty of people from New Orleans have never been on one, that still does not sound like an entirely accurate statistic.  You know what is an accurate statistic?

12.5% of current Real World castmembers are unsure whether or not they have committed murder.

Preston tells us he and Lips are going to be asking people about their favorite parade as a part of their little radio project.  I like how they don’t have a job and thus far only 2 of them have even bothered with a “finding yourself” project.  Apparently the theme of this particular parade is toilets or something, and the float the roomies are on is mocking the engineers who built the levees that could not prevent the flooding of New Orleans.  Hair tells us that riding on the float “literally feels like you’re Elvis.”

That’s nice.  Run with that feeling and keep eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches until you literally die on the toilet.  Ooh- just like the theme of this parade!  I love it when things come full circle.

Of course, he and all of the other roomies are positively basking in the attention.  Lips encourages paradegoers to do the “plunger dance” and tells us that “senior citizens, children, and any man who tells me I’m beautiful” will receive beads from her.  All I can think about it what the hell do these people do with all of this crap?  Maybe it’s because my room is a mess, but the thought of actually trying to obtain more useless possessions does not appeal to me.  On the other hand, I can fully support the roomies when they start trading these trinkets for food, since they’re starving.

It seems Preston has named Starfish’ drunken alter ego “Mary,” so congrats to whoever had Starfish in the pool to see who would be the first cast member to develop multiple personalities.  Preston tells us that she’s a little ditzy and in the clouds- until she drinks.

At which points she blasts off into outer space.

Preston says as long as she’s with friends, it’s fine, but if she’s alone (or with a rapist) she “could be in trouble.”  Starfish has no clue what’s going on or who this “Mary” character is.

After the parade, the roomies head to Tuck’s Ball, which doesn’t look like any Ball I would imagine.  I’m surprised Hair would even deign to appear at an event with such a gay name.  Please, oh please, let him lose a shoe and have it returned to him by some gay prince- our very own Cinderfella.

Anyway, Eyes tells us the age group is a bit on the mature side, but he’s going to have a great time with all of the old, happy white people.  Preston and Hair step outside for a cigarette and decide to “squash” the ongoing feud between them and at least be civil if they can’t be friends.  Ugh, I’ve heard this one before.  I’ve also seen previews that prove this is not the end.

Meanwhile, inside, Starfish is her usual level of drunk that makes it look like she’s been roofied.  She’s hanging out with some old creeper and is beyond surprised and delighted when he offers to buy her a drink.  Because creepy old men offering to buy drinks for cute, young, excessively drunk girls is such a rare occurance.  Various roomies are concerned and try to pull her away from this douchebag.  Also, for some reason their costumes keep making me think of Ghostbusters.

“When someone’s drunk… at Mardi Gras… who ya gonna call?  Cockblockers!”

Of course, stopping a potential rape is hardly a case of cockblocking, but it’s the right amount of syllables so I went with it.  Creeper keeps trying to kiss her and she keeps turning away from him.  Jimmeh decides it’s time to go find her and tells us she’s an easy target when she’s drunk.  In the end, though, she does leave with the roomies.

Jimmeh and Meathead are in her bed, and he picks up the picture of her and her “boyfriend” (quotation marks courtesy of MTV) and apologizes to it.  She takes it from him and looks at it for a bit too long, until he tells her it’s starting to make him feel like a douchebag.  She says she sucks as a girlfriend and Meathead tells her she’d be a good girlfriend to him.

Chapter 1:  Do not keep pictures of your significant other next to your bed.

Jimmeh tells us that she knows Meathead walked into her life for a reason but she still has “huge strong” feelings for Kodi.  She calls him to confirm the time of his basketball game, which she plans to attend with Lips.  She asks him if something’s wrong, and he unconvincingly tells her he’s ok.  She tells us she’s holding on to the familiar, and he has seen her at bad points and still stuck around.  She cannot decide between Team Kodi or Team Meathead, and while this is probably supposed to be a Twilight reference, I’ll pretend it’s a Laguna Beach season 1 reference.  Team LC all the way.

Meathead and Hair go for a walk, and Hair says Meathead is his best friend in the house and probably the only one he’d keep in touch with.  I’m sure Meathead is overjoyed at the news.  Hair was hoping for a fun group of people to have a good time and kick it with.  Newsflash, bro:  They are a fun group of people, you are the one sucking all of the joy from the house.  I mean, Odrama was annoying, but at least she had SOME self-awareness.  Hair says he still hates Preston despite the latest round of beef-squashing between them.  It’s important to note that Meathead has basically not spoken this entire time, and clearly likes Preston and is not going to give Hair the agreement he is looking for.

Ruthie Jr. expresses concern to Starfish about getting blackout drunk all the time.  Starfish once again decides her blackouts are cause for concern.

She is now wondering if she stabbed someone and stole these beads.

Over lunch, Hair asks Meathead about Jimmeh.  He insists it is a friends with benefits situation that will not go anywhere.  Hair apparently wants Meathead as a wingman, but thinks he and Jimmeh will start dating because they’re the same person but her dick is bigger.  Meathead asks Hair- the guy who wishes he was a virgin- if he ever had a friend back home that he banged.  Come on now, Meathead.  You’re being Cheesehead again.  Then Meathead says it’s easy with her, and he doesn’t mean that she’s easy, except that she is and he does.

Jimmeh and Lips are still planning to go to the basketball game, but Jimmeh is being mopey about it.  Lips suggests not going, but Jimmeh thinks she’ll regret it if she doesn’t go.  She tells us she’s juggled two guys before, and juggling too long will blow up in your face.  Well yes, if you’re juggling bombs or something.

Jimmeh calls up her momma, who tells her she doesn’t know how to commit and that if she likes someone she needs to be honest and can’t be scared to put herself out there.  (Remember this, it will be important later.)  Cue Laguna Beach/Hills-esque montage of Jimmeh and Meathead sitting around looking pensive.

“Damn, I was going for thoughtful.”

Out at the bar, Meathead is talking to a girl, which Jimmeh isn’t too thrilled about.  She must not be too drunk, though, because she doesn’t start yelling threats to her roommates.  Eyes tells us Meathead is trying to send Jimmeh the message that they are not in a relationship.

Meanwhile, a seemingly sober Starfish has met a non-creeper!  Will wonders never cease?  So much growth and we’re only on episode 5!  His name is Travis and they talk for awhile, as he has amazed Starfish with his ability to hold a conversation.  He’s not a big drinker so they just continue to chat about being small-towners in big cities.  Apparently he’s only here for spring break.

Jimmeh has decided not to go the game, but when she tells Meathead he tells her he doesn’t care and she should go.  This is clearly not what she wanted to hear.

Is the game called “Don’t Fuck Your Roommate?”

Back at the house, Meathead is on the phone with

Glad to have the reminder.  I had forgotten in the last 20 seconds that she was not from the opera, or the cinema, or the ballet.

He invites her over, much to Lips’ animated dismay.  She tells him he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and then he asks Jimmeh how to “spell how to get here” because he apparently can’t give directions to his own house.  She’s clearly pissed, and when he gets off the phone she drags him to the confessional for another heart-to-heart.

She says the way he acts toward her is bullshit.  He tells her she needs to take care of her shit back home and then come talk to him.  He doesn’t want to hurt her feelings because he likes what they have.  She’s still not happy with the way he acted, but he tells her that she has to take care of her situation before she’ll see the Meathead she wants to see.  She wants to know how she can trust him, and he tells her to “Give it to God.”

Eyes tells Jimmeh she should go to the game, it’s just a game and she’ll regret it if she doesn’t go.

WTF?  Who was decorating the RW house and thought “make sure we get a chess board!”?

Jimmeh has decided to go to the game, because once she sees Kodi her decision will be clear.  This basketball game is much more lively than the ones at my school.  After the game, Kodi says a quick hello to Jimmeh before telling her he needs to “holla at” his family.  Lips tells us it’s super awkward because there are like 20 of them.  One comes over to interrogate Jimmeh about who she is and how she knows Kodi, and she says they’re neighbors.  They stand around awkwardly for a bit before Jimmeh says she needs to go and they say an awkward goodbye.  Did I mention the whole thing was just painfully awkward?  Well, it was.

Meathead puts Starfish’ name on the fortune teller machine they have, and they start cracking jokes about her wearing a feather in her head.  Obliviously, she says she has a lot of hair accessories, although I’ve mostly just seen her wear the starfish.  Eyes asks her if she wears pooka shells, and she says she does.  Then Preston walks in and asks her when she started telling fortunes, and she still doesn’t get it as she says she’s always been telling fortunes.  It’s all very amusing in an elementary school sort of way, and it’s also funny because the scene is awkwardly cut to hide the fact that Jimmeh is in the room when she’s supposed to be at the basketball game.

Out at the bar, Starfish is overjoyed to see Travis and they are all smiles as they hang out and talk some more.  She asks him why he’s not a big drink, and it seems that he went through a blacking out phase.  He tells her he calmed down because he wants to remember as much as possible.

“Sorry, what?  I blacked out there for a second.”

Now Jimmeh and Lips arrive back at the house from the basketball game, despite that scene that was clearly from another day thrown in there.  She tells us that seeing Kodi was “kinda weird.”  Yeah, it was weird for us too, don’t worry.  She climbs into bed with Meathead, telling us they have a deeper connection.  I think she means emotionally, not penis-wise.  Apparently an emotional connection is important, even to Jimmeh.

Starfish brings Travis back to the house to talk some more, and asks him how he feels about just meeting a cool person and not getting to spend much time with that person.  He tells her to just take it and grow.  And on that note, his cab is here!  Nice knowing you, buddy.  He does at least get a goodbye smooch though.  Afterward, Starfish tells Preston she hates goodbyes because they’re awkward.  She tells him that Travis opened her eyes to a lot of things like the wonders of retaining memory.  She wants to know what the point of meeting someone is if it won’t lead anywhere.  Preston tells her sometimes people are just there for a short while to serve a small purpose.

Well put, Preston.  If Cliche were here, she would have just spouted off that “reason, season, or a lifetime” quote.

So, remember how Lips and Preston were totally brilliant and couldn’t figure out how to use their radio recorder?  Well, now they can’t find it.  Hair wants to know if they “truly” lost it, as opposed to falsely losing it I suppose?  Lips is worried because this is their second offense, she’s shaking and she makes Preston call because she’s afraid she’ll cry.  He does, and the guy tells them not to worry about it and that these things happen all the time at Mardi Gras.  Damn, people in New Orleans are so damn relaxed.  I’m so glad the younger generations watching this show are getting such an accurate depiction of the workplace.

Awww, last day of Mardi Gras, AKA the infamous Fat Tuesday.  Jimmeh flashes some guy for beads and tells us it’s the best party in the world.  We get like a minute of montage and then cut to a few roomies falling asleep on the cab ride home.

Holy crap!  How many people did Ruthie Jr. flash to get all of those beads?

Back at the house, Hair is ready for the hot tub wearing what is probably Meathead’s missing black sock as his bathing suit.  He think’s it’s hilarious, and it prompts Ruthie Jr.’s heavily promoted “I see the most disturbing things in this house!” quote.

Still out at the bar, Jimmeh starts telling Meathead about an abusive relationship she was in before Kodi.  She tells us that she’s never really shared this with anyone before, but Meathead is the first guy she’s ever had a real friendship with.

They head home and to the confessional.  He tells us he loves her (I assume he means as a friend) and she’s “his girl” (apparently she knows what that means) and he’ll never let anything happen to her.  He tells us it’s his biggest pet peeve and he’s got big issues with it.  I feel like “pet peeve” might be understating things a bit, but whatever.  Back in their joint confessional, she says she appreciates him.  She tells us he’s the first guy she’s ever felt safe with.  She wants to go to bed, but he tells her he has a real problem with this and wants to know why she isn’t more upset.  She says she dealt with it for a year because it was easier to deal with it for 15-20 minutes a day than to leave and be seriously terrified.  He’s clearly shaken by the whole thing, and she tells us that by telling him it’s like he’s taking her pain and putting it on his own shoulders, which is surprisingly insightful.  It’s also sort of a sad way to end the episode.

Honestly, I can’t even make a joke.  I just want to hug him.  Her too.

So, like I said, that was a downer way to end the episode.  I like Jimmeh and Meathead, so I feel bad for both of them.  Unlike Hair, who was all too eager to spit out his drama the day they arrived at the house, this felt like a genuine confession between two people.  But anyway, were you relieved to see Starfish have a sober conversation with someone less creepy?  Are you wondering how Preston and Lips will top this latest fail with their radio project?  Are you dreading next week’s Hair-heavy episode as much as I am?  (The answer is no.  No one is dreading that as much as I am.)  Will Ruthie Jr. ever do anything worthy of significant screen time?  Talk to me!
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Filed under: TV News, Fall TV

Procedurals are a dime a dozen on primetime, but NBC is hoping to capture audiences with two new crime/legal dramas that — according to the casts and producers at the TCA press tour — will offer brand new perspectives on an already crowded genre.

First up was ‘Outlaw,’ a series starring Jimmy Smits as Supreme Court Justice Cyrus Garza, who retires his gavel to take on controversial cases from the other side of the bench. Then (after a delicious dessert break courtesy of ‘Top Chef’) NBC introduced ‘Chase,’ a Texas-based drama about a team of U.S. Marshals. Join us after the jump for highlights from both panels.

 

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Filed under: TV News, Fall TV

We critics are a sensitive bunch. We try to think like the audiences who will watch the shows we review, and try to pick out what we think people may like or dislike. But often we’re wrong, mainly because we forget that, through it all, it’s our opinion that we’re writing here.

I mention this because ‘Outsourced’ came to the TCA press tour in the same situation as CBS’s ‘Mike & Molly’ did two days ago. Critics threw questions at the producers about ‘Mike & Molly’ being one long fat joke. Today, producers Ken Kwapis and Robert Borden basically got the same questions, only about the fact that many thought the ‘Outsourced’ pilot was one long Indian joke.

They insisted it wasn’t, even though there’s three different jokes about the name “Manmeet.” It’s a workplace comedy at its core, they say, one that will point out the cultural differences between the U.S. and India. And they swear the cultural humor will cut both ways.

 

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