Best Television Shows

Archive for April, 2010

Nope. Not doing it. I have no opinion on it. You go wild, rest of internet.

Let’s watch that video of the golden retriever puppies again!

Hehehe…golden retriever puppies. Comedy GOLD! -EN RETRIEVERS!!!

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Easy ways to wind up on the internet:

1) Use the phrase “soy jizzum” during a newscast.

…And we’ll end the list right there. Here’s some moving images!

(via Dlisted)

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Reviews for Green Day’s American Idiot musical have been overwhelmingly positive thusfar, and while I’ll freely admit that judging the show based on clips instead of seeing the whole thing is premature, I will also freely admit that if I were to judge the show based on the clip below of the cast singing “Holiday” on Letterman, I would judge it with a verdict of “guilty of not being very good”.

I hate to be the kid from The Emperor’s New Sh*tty Musical here, but… isn’t this terrible? Is it not terrible? Cause according to my eyes, ears, and capacity for enjoying paying hundreds of dollars to see a bunch of random chorus dudes in cartoony punk outfits sing a pretty good song from five years ago that I’ve heard 500 times and can hear any time I want for free, it’s not not terrible. Right? No? I don’t know.

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Here are a picture and a headline that appeared on the Huffington Post yesterday evening.

For those of you who don’t know, a Bris is the ceremony during which Jewish baby boys get circumcised.  So, there are a whole lot of questions that this picture/headline combination raises.  Probably most of you already know that Sandra Bullock adopted a baby from New Orleans.  I did not know that when I read this.  So I was confused X 80.  I was all, “Sandra Bullock has a baby, Sandra Bullock has a Jewish Baby?  And the Jewish baby is black?  How did…what?”

At this point I was thinking that perhaps Sandra Bullock could have been Jewish all along without me knowing. I doubted it though; I have pretty good Jew-dar.  And I was pretty positive I’d already know if she were black, because they only thing more sensitive than my Jew-dar is my black-dar.

Anyway, it turns out, as you know, that the baby is adopted and also Sandra Bullock is not Jewish.  The Bris is just a weird thing she did.  But, Noah, how do you know for sure she’s not Jewish? Oh, because I found a website:  www.jewornotjew.com, which is apparently a thing that exists and is like a terrifying version of the Hot or Not website.  And what I learned is that Sandra Bullock for sure is not Jewish, but still got a six on some kind of weird Jew scale.

That is an actual screen grab from their Sandra Bullock page.  Is it offensive?  Ani lo yodeah!  (Hebrew for “I don’t know!”)

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This season of The Real Housewives of New York might be winding down to a close, but the drama seems to be coming to a boiling point, as the turf wars of Manhattan’s faux-lite reality show princesses gets downright dirty. This might be the all-time most dramatic season of any Housewives ever, stemming mainly from the Jill Zarin/Bethenny Frankel rivalry that’s driven a stake into our botoxed brigade. Alex McCord has run a full sanity check and realizes Bethenny’s team is the only one worth being on, while Luann De Lesseps is firmly at Jill’s side, holding headphones up to her ear while spinning some of the latest tracks off her new album “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” Ramona Singer was surprisingly normal last night, due in large part to her .7 seconds of screentime, while new H-wife Sonja Morgan keeps cranking her aging skin back in an effort to look like the Eye Hands Dude from Pan’s Labyrinth. And somewhere, Kelly Killoren Bensimon was reading literature.

As has become tradition, I phone my own larger-than-life Jewish mother Judy Collins to get her opinions on the episode, as well as — BONUS — her must read opinions on Luann’s new hit single (after the jump).

Mother begins.

On the Messenger and the Pregnancy:

“This is where I’m coming from with the Messenger and the ‘message’ and all that. When you have a build-up of huge resentment from Alex towards Jill — Alex already said on Andy Cohen about how Jill used to talk about her children climbing on people’s legs, through the 2 or 3 years that this show is on, Jill the low life had nasty things to say about everybody.

So when Bethenny gave her the opportunity to tell her off — first of all, how Jill has the chutzpah to even e-mail or call Bethenny about the pregnancy… this woman is lower than low. You know there is low class? She belongs to the lowest class, after all the ranting she’s done. She’s leaving the room and acting like a jackass and all of a sudden NOW she is e-mailing her and giving her advice on her pregnancy? If I would see her I swear to God I would spit in her face. She has to be the most hated wife. She is a pig and an ugly pig too. The lowest that they come, I mean really. I was in shock.

Ahead, some of the most insightful thoughts of our beloved ‘wives, as well as the most revealing thoughts on Luann’s newly launched music career.

See this Jill is such a disgusting human being. She’s not only acting in a despicable way with Bethenny, but through the years she’s acted that way with Alex too.

So now Alex got the opportunity to tell her off. She didn’t care if it was in public, 50 people, 1000 people or whoever. And Luann is another phony! When she hosted that book review (Ed. Note: No idea what moment she is referring to here, the book release maybe?) and those two asses Jill and Kelly were not even paying a spit of attention towards her. They’re all phony despicable human beings! Ask Jill what Luann’s book is all about. She has no idea.”

“First of all, that Sonya…”

“I don’t think she’s pretty. She’s separated at birth from Barbra Streisand. Did ever anybody call Barbra pretty? No. Sonya knew who to shtup and she ended up with a gorgeous townhouse, maids, etc. It’s all who you shtup. That’s all what there is to it. Remember when you were in 4th grade and you asked me if you should marry for love or money? And I said money, and you said “What mother talks like that?” and I said “When you grow up you’ll realize I’m giving you the best advice!” And here is Sonya.

And she’s constantly talking about coochie poochie. I thought she wanted to do some other operation to be honest. I didn’t know you call a stomach a coochie hoochie. She says “I’m showing my hoochie!” I’ve heard rappers call the hooch something else. (I correct my mother in that the term Sonya was actually using was pooch.) Pooch? Sounds the same to me, pooch hooch whatever.

On the other hand, I’m surprised she didn’t do a nose job. She looks like a bird. An eagle.”

Alex: A True Lady

“Alex is my favorite. The girl is intelligent, articulate, and she looks very pretty. On the other hand, the more I see Bethenny’s fiancé, there is no way in hell this guy is not gay. When he told her he wanted his mother to hug her? What straight man… who talks like that? What straight man talks like that?” (Ed. Note: To be fair, I defended him, but we got nowhere.)

On Bobby Zarin-Fabrics

“Bobby’s a sweet guy. I like him. He didn’t have a chance to open his mouth on that show. If this was Daddy and me, we would have ended up in a huge fight on the way home. “You’re talking about my business?? Shut up!” I’m thinking wow. (Impersonating Jill) “You don’t understand! It’s 3 minutes! It’s live!” I’m thinking ‘Who are you, Lawrence Olivier all of a sudden?’ ‘My father opened a business in 1936.’ That’s all he said and then it was all over.

And I used to like Jill the most from all of them! She has turned into a disgusting human being. Not that the rest of them are not. Alex is above and beyond all of them in intelligence and just in class. And again, was she right to bust out there with the I’m a messenger thing? Maybe not, but when you have a disdain for someone sometimes you can hardly wait to let them have it, no matter what. No matter what. It was like she could hardly wait to get to that circle and let it out and I can understand it. Good for her.

It’s not that I hate Jill. The girl is showing everybody with two eyes and ears that from week to week this is a low class girl that fell in with money. And just because she got a few bucks in her pocket, she somehow thinks she is traveling in the Queen’s circle. She’s not! She’s a low class girl. Loud and low class.”

EVERYBODY, PAY ATTENTION NOW:

On Luann De Lesseps’ New Single, “Elegance Is Learned”:

“Let me tell you: On one of Mr. Ed’s episodes, I heard Mr. Ed sing, and I can tell you right now: He’s a much better singer than Luanne.

Excuse me, you know people always say ‘Oh Judy Collins? Do you sing?’ and I say ‘Dahling, I love music but I don’t sing.’ Well I think I am a better singer than Luann. I’m shocked that this girl had the audacity to go and record herself! Go clop it in on Youtube — Mr. Ed — he sang on many episodes and he was a very entertaining and very talented horse. Much more talented than the Contessa or whatever the hell she is.”

To see why my mother is actually a sick genius, PLEASE press play on the following video, called, formally, “Ed the Songwriter,” and fast forward to about a minute in for the singing. (Also, watch the whole episode.) Really, it took me an hour to find this, and I still think it was worth it:

Mother continues: “I’m listening to it, I’m going “I can’t believe this woman has the audacity to sing! No wonder her husband left her! I mean really, no wonder.

She has a very deep manly voice. This is not like what we are used to from American singers. In France, on the other hand, you have these chanteuse who have a deep voices and are successful. We are not the French.”

Me: Do we have deep voices like her?

Mother: Yeah.

And there you have it. Another dramatic episode of RHONY, another equally dramatic post-show telephone call to Miami. Although I think the above could easily be summed up by this rather succinct and on point final thought courtesy of Judy Collins, Floridian genius and possible future singer/songwriter:

“Every time I watch that show I think about poor Mr. Ed. One sounds like him, the other looks like him.”

For your own comparison’s sake, once again, we bring you Luann’s “Elegance Is Learned.” While I recover from searching through hours of Mr. Ed footage while simultaneously avoid poison darts aimed at me from New York’s Upper East Side, feel free to comment on whether or not Mrs. Collins is in line with her above statements or not.

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It’s been a while since the internet has graced us with a good old-fashioned overly-dramatic movie trailer recut — remember back in aught six when there were like 50 new ones every day? Ahhh, those were the days, I’m getting nostalgic… and the cat’s in the cradle making gay glances at Jake Gyllenhaal, little boy blue and the Shining house with Solsbury Hill playing…

Anyway, here’s George Costanza: The Movie.

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Christina Aguilera is finally back in the limelight after what seems like decades of raising her probably-still-a-baby boy. And how has she decided to grace us with her presence?

As a ball-gag-wearing, lady-loving, raining-men-dancing, leather-beret-clad siren of sorts.

Here is her music video for “Not Myself Tonight.” Lock your children in the gimp cage, they really don’t need to see this.

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Wow, “Love Games.” Wow. I have mocked and mocked and MOCKED your trashy, stagey, poor man’s “Bachelorette,” drama for the past two episodes. But damn if you didn’t bring it home this week. One word: AssTat.

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Bravo’s ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’ (Mon., May 3, 10 PM ET) is about to come roaring back to television and they’re throwing a party to celebrate.

That’s right, the ladies will be at the Manzo’s infamous Brownstone in Paterson, N.J. on Monday starting at 8:30PM ET. Andy Cohen will be on hand to host the social media event. which lasts until 11PM ET. Fans across the country can join the party via a live stream here.

At the party, Cohen will interview the Jersey girls and other Bravo celebrities in attendance. Viewers will also get minute-by-minute reactions to what’s happening as the premiere airs. Fans will be able to interact with Cohen and the Housewives via Twitter and Facebook throughout the event.

So, who’s excited for the premiere? Don’t be ashamed to raise your hand.

Filed under: Other Reality Shows, Programming

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With Troy and Gabrielle having been replaced by Edward and Bella in the hearts (and wallets) of gazillions of tween/teen girls, Disney has pounced on what it hopes will be it’s next ‘High School Musical.’

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the next coming will be an original made-for-TV movie based on Mark Peter Hughes’ cult fave, ‘Lemonade Mouth.’

The novel, about 5 outcast “freaks” at a New England high school whose chance meeting in detention leads to them form what becomes “Rhode Island’s most influential band,” has been adapted by April Blair (‘Christmas Caper’) and will be produced by Debra Martin Chase (‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,’ ‘The Cheetah Girls’).

Continue reading Disney Hopes Tweens Thirst for ‘Lemonade’

Filed under: Pickups and Renewals

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