Best Television Shows

Archive for September, 2009

Rapey Romanian Nightclubs are breathing sighs of relief (and ecstasy) with the release of Britney Spears’ latest single “3″, her latest collaboration with producer Max Martin (of “…Baby One More Time” fame) set to be released November 24 as a new single tagged-on to her Greatest Hits collection.

So, what’s the verdict on “3″? It’s pretty catchy, as far as Hooker Robot Anthems go. “3″ is the perfect song to listen to after rubbing MDMA-lotion all over your face, and then rolling around in baby oil and glitter for a few hours. Or when you’re about to have a threesome with these guys:

That being said: We’ve been listening to this on repeat for most of the day (with occasional breaks to listen to this classic).

So put your robo-hands in the air, take a listen like you just don’t care (and being a robot, you wouldn’t care nor would you feel), and tell us what you think of this new song in the comments.

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Do you live in the greater New York or Philly area and are a terrible cook who constantly deserves to be punched?

You’re in luck, because Craigslist just posted an open casting call for Hell’s Kitchen contestants!

I’ve pasted the ad below, along with my handy translations of their requirements after the jump:

CASTING-FOX TV-HELL’S KITCHEN-LOOKING FOR CHEFS (Greater NY/NJ/CONN/PHILLY area)

CASTING IMMEDIATELY IN THE GREAT NY/NJ/CONN/PHILLY AREA

FOX TV’S – HELL’S KITCHEN starring Chef Gordon Ramsay is looking for the BEST of the BEST¹ to work beside him in the HOTTEST² kitchen on Earth!

Can YOU stand the heat?³

CASTING is searching for Chefs, 21 and over, who are outspoken⁴, competitive⁵ and can stand the HEAT⁶ in one of the MOST EXCLUSIVE and TOUGHEST kitchens in the world.⁷

If you are interested in auditioning IMMEDIATELY and think you have what it takes to SMOKE the competition⁸, EMAIL US IMMEDIATELY:

EMAIL : Twinsworld1@aol.com

Please put “Hell’s Kitchen in the subject title and YOU MUST INCLUDE your name , CONTACT TEL #, age, occupation, a recent photo⁹, where you live (city & state), why you would be a good candidate for “Hell’s Kitchen”¹⁰. Make sure you talk about your culinary experience and passion for the industry.¹¹

After the jump, let’s translate what Hell’s Kitchen is actually looking for:

1 - “Worst.”

2 - The breath from Gordon yelling “You f***ing c*nt!!!!” tends to increase the temperature of the kitchen.

3 - Are you willing to stand there dispassionately while Gordon calls you a “f***ing worthless wanker” for the fifth time so the Fox cameras can get a close-up?

4 - “Outspoken” = Will you say “No” to something Gordon tells you in the pilot episode, allowing for him to explode into a bleep-filled rant to set the tone for the season?

5 - “Competitive” = Ignorant of how bad you are at cooking.

6 - We cannot stress enough that you will be required to stand the heat.

7 - “The world” = The .01 mile radius directly around the restaurant Hell’s Kitchen.

8 - A component of fire, which the kitchen will have lots of.

9 - Special consideration for doughy people who look like they’ll be fun to watch attempt motor skills.

10 - For example, “I am alive and I cannot cook food in even the loosest sense of the word.”

11 - …So that Gordon can add “AND you have your own f***ing restaurant?? Christ al-f***ing f*ckmighty!!!!!”

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So you know it’s gotta be a good one:

Yoyyy, dog saddles.

(via Hahastop, with hat tip to Urlesque.)

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The gossip news just keeps pouring in today, like Niagara Falls if the water were celebrity gossip and there was 10 times as much of it.

What happened now, you ask? What story could possibly top the Kardashian trio? That’s a dumb thing to ask, voice I made up, because lots of things can. For example, this story about Paris Hilton going to a club in L.A. then left that club and going home:

Just before her big night out, the reality TV star Tweeted on her Twitter page, “Getting ready to go to dinner and then out. Haven’t been out to LA clubs in so long. Should be fun ”

However, it seems things have changed since the last time Paris partied round these here parts. Only a few hours later, the heiress Tweeted, “On my way home. LA is not what it used to be. Brutal. Can’t wait to get in bed.”

One of these days, the gossip world will just have the guts to post this for a day:

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In a rare gossip-site milestone of family excellence, all three Kardashian sisters managed to have a story about them on the Us Weekly homepage simultaneously this morning:

The ball is in your court, Jonas Brothers. Better hurry up and have that fairytale wedding and invite Kelly Osbourne so she can later describe it.

UPDATE (2:43 PM): Make that four…

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Guess how we will be spending this coming Hanukkah? In addition to our usual Duck Tales-like backstroke through a pool full of fried latkies and chocolate-covered coins, we will be blasting an entirely new addition to our usual Hanukah Jam ouevre. That’s because the one and only Neil Diamond has gone ahead and covered Adam Sandler’s “Chanukah Song” on his upcoming MUST BUY album ‘A Cherry, Cherry Christmas’. (Title = Genius.) According to The Spinner blog, who gets the credit for finding this:

When Neil Diamond — who’s been called the “Jewish Elvis” — wanted to include a song about the festival lights on his third Christmas album, he turned to an unlikely source: Adam Sandler.

Diamond even addresses the dearth of Chanukah songs at the beginning of his version, saying, “There are so many beautiful Christmas songs around and so few Chanukah songs, so I thought we’d try this one for you.”

Well, it was either this or “Forever in Jew Jeans.” And no one really wants to hear that.

Here’s the song!

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Forget your cheap prat falls, stunt doubles, and Wild N’ Crazy Kids style racetracks — Conan O’Brien is the type of man who will literally suffer a concussion for his late night art.

Granted, the fall was incredibly unintentional, and Conan was horribly disoriented for hours afterward and couldn’t finish his show, but that goes with the territory of being the most-concussed late night host of our era:

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2009 has been a sort of defining year for legendary tennis sister Serena Williams. Forget her tennis playing. This is the year we’ve watched Serena grow into a hot-blooded terrifying young woman.

First, her infamous breakdown on the court during the U.S. Open semi-final match, where Serena got all medieval on some poor line judge’s ass, screaming “I swear to God, I’m f—— going to take this f—— ball and shove it down your f—— throat, you hear that? I swear to God.” (Dashes kept in tact re: ladylikeness.) It was soooo one of these moments, amiritegirls?

Now, Serena is jingling this blood-thirsty theme she’s got going on all the way to the bank, as she is now the new face of Tampax brand tampons (”The Absorbiest!”). Talk about line judging… The ad features Serena trying to act her way out of a cardboard box, and not really succeeding. The “Aunt Flo” character on the other hand? Genius!* (*Sarcasm.**) (**Who are we kidding, we love period puns.)

Well, you know the old saying: There’s no such thing as bled publicity. Check out the ad here:

(via Gawker)

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For the record, this video of Michael Bay getting his mail earned Paramount $480 million in two weekends. Also, everything in it is CGI’d, especially the mail:

Thanks to reader kindrew for the heads up!

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No, it isn’t real news, and frankly, we don’t really have much to add. It’s just a picture of kittens in little suits, is all it is. Tiny pawhands and the like.

So what do you want us to do? Not show it to you? (laughing) Iiiiiiiii don’tthinkso.

Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam — Via The Onion

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