Best Television Shows

Archive for July, 2009

Here is an infomercial that proves you can HJ your way into shape! In fact, if you can find a willing participant to give HJs to (assuming you can’t give them to yourself), it takes only 6 minutes of serious cranking to finally get those upper arms you’ve been looking for. Who knew that “polishing the low-quarters” on the regular was such a healthy work out?

Of course, if you can’t find a D to J Off on a daily basis, you could always just go ahead and purchase a “Shake Weight”:

“Dynamic Intertia”? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

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Take a good look at the male nurse zombie blur face you see above you. Meet Karlis Gajevskis, a man who dared get between Mel Gibson and his glass of whiskey. When Gakevskis tried to take a photo of Mel enjoying his liquor and his lady, Gibson went berserk and, in an assumed attempt to sneak a peak at this dude’s sugartits, tore his shirt right on open. The story, via Hollyscoop, goes as follows:

Gibson and his pregnant girlfriend arrived with a large group of people and settled into their VIP area, hoping for a great night out on the town. Unfortunately, all they got was trouble.

One club-goer tells Hollyscoop exclusively that “Mel looked so happy and in love” at the club. And they genuinely seemed to be having a great time together. However, things went sour when a Life & Style reporter posing as a fan tried to snap a picture of Gibson and his girlfriend. His security team immediately took the camera and deleted the pictures.

The pushy reporter didn’t stop there as she sent her friend Karlis Gajevskis to take another picture. That’s when Mel stepped in and attacked Gajevskis because he was fed up with everyone trying to snap a photo of him partying.

Our source tells Hollyscoop exclusively that “Mel approached the guy who tried to take his picture and ripped his shirt.”

Sure, sure, Mel Gibson just “happened” to tear this guy’s shirt open hours after he “got” his “chest” waxed. Mmmhmm, right. Sounds to me like this Karlis character was just two nipples shy of getting his picture splashed all over the web. And wouldn’t you know it? Here we are.

Also, Mel Gibson is a psychopath and this story is likely 100 percent true.

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The good people at Snuggie Inc. (the imagined name of this so-called “company”) have finally done it: They have invented something so stupid, so useless, so nonsensical, that we think it prime time to fold the Snuggie up into a tight Military triangle, and bury it deep, down into the Earth, in between the graves of the Thighmaster Family and the Baconwave clan. Because this time, Snuggie, this time you’ve gone too far.

Ladies and gentleman…

THE DOG SNUGGIE:

(Genius ad campaign designed by us)

Yes. They took a fleece blanket intended for people to use so that they may keep their arms warm while reading and watching television. And made one. For dogs. Because how else are dogs supposed to watch TV and read while staying warm? the only question, one wonders, is if they created a flap for easy ball licking. I wouldn’t put it past the Snuggie geniuses.

Now some of you are laughing, but some of you are obviously purchasing this product as we speak. For those of you not sold on it yet, we have the EXTREMELY PERSUASIVE INFOMERCIAL AHEAD. Be warned: You’ll probably buy one whether or not you even have a dog. It’s that handy!

Also, don’t get me started on the talking dog tag. Of course people buying this product would probably live in neighborhoods with high illiteracy levels. And don’t even GET me started on that little slut named Tilly:

She would live on 123 Main Street. (via Gawker)

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Katie Holmes was spotted in Melbourne with daughter Suri, and in an attempt to continue the illusion that her daughter is the most precious child in the world, Katie apparently hired Mary Poppins’ love child with Samantha Ronson to prance around everywhere they went.

“Yes, a spooooonful of Suri helps the medicine go dowwwn!“

Also, I’m pretty sure there’s not enough down in Katie’s jacket, people!  [/SARCASM!!  AMIRITE?! Bye.]

Is it even raining? The answer ahead….

…. No, it is not even raining.

More pics of Marie Poppingston ahead, PLUS a devastating exposé into Suri Cruise’s dark side… her New Jersey dark side:

Aww, Suri is growin’ up so quickly though!!  Only 4 more years until she changes her name to Laura Burney, fakes her own ocean death, and ends up wearing a wig on a cross-country bus while some strange old lady offers her apples.

Always the little troublemaker, Suri managed to slip away from Mommy and Nanny to close a pretty shady-looking transaction with her dealer:

“Jersey Babys”? OMG, does it star a little baby Frankie Valley????  I’ll take three.

(Thanks to Intern Zack Mast for the Mary Poppins inspo.)

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Tonight, on Big Brother, Julie Chen is hilarious and Ronnie finally gets hit upside the head a few times.

Unfortunately, it’s not with a baseball bat.

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Welcome back to Design Star! I would like to thank everyone for their comments the past two weeks. I’ve learned more about the judges and the host from the TVgasm comment boards than their Wikipedia pages. I appreciate all the feedback! Bring it!

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Tonight on America’s Got Talent, we find out just how disgustingly attached I’ve grown to these acts over the last five weeks. This week they’re ripped from me one by one as I can do nothing but sit and watch helplessly. It’s a lot like my senior prom, only there’s more David Hasselhoff. OK, fine, there’s more Sharon Osbourne.

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Filed under: Episode Reviews, Reality-Free, Burn Notice

(S03E08) In the latest Michael adventure, our hero was hell-bent on getting back into intelligence work – nothing new, really. However, that meant dancing with Strickler, a foxtrot that Fiona was reluctant to take part in …

More on Fiona’s vulnerabilities after the jump. Meanwhile, another job popped up when Barry, money launderer and occasional member of the Michael troupe of operatives, called in all his favors and became the client.

Continue reading Burn Notice: Friends Like These

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Filed under: OpEd, Episode Reviews, So You Think You Can Dance

(S05E21) I’m happy to hear Cat announce that the filler in this episode would be the four Emmy nominated performances. It would actually be interesting if next season they could try a “Where are they now?” segment on the results shows.

The eliminations weren’t shocking to me, but watching Cat announce that Jeanine and Brandon were the two that didn’t have to perform solos was a relief and a pain. They had the best performances last night.

Continue reading So You Think You Can Dance: 2 of 6 Voted Off

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Filed under: Other Comedy Shows, TCA Press Tour, Reality-Free

Going in, everyone in the crowd had to know that the panel for HBO’s Hung was going to consist of puns and schoolyard humor. After all, it’s a show about a down-and-out guy who uses his best asset — his manhood — and becomes a male prostitute. So it shouldn’t have been a big surprise when a reporter started the questioning by asking whether the show continues a trend of shows about “ordinary working stiffs with a secret.”

It went pretty much downhill from there, aided and abetted by the show’s stars, Thomas Jane and Jane Adams.

Jane, on his audition process: “I had to go into the other room to disrobe, so I wouldn’t hit anyone in the eye. It’s for safety.”

Adams told a critic that it was interesting he was making so many penis puns “While you’re holding that mike.”

Co-creator Colette Burson got into the act, calling the member of Jane’s character of Ray Drecker as “The Platonic Penis. It’s the ideal penis on a certain level.”

Continue reading If you like schoolyard puns, then you’d like the Hung panel – TCA Report

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