Best Television Shows

I didn’t realize that Lost was such a rip-off of this sexy, action spy thriller from the 60s. Looks sexy! And spy-ey! And I have numerous theories about Egyptian mythological symbols that the bikinis represent…

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For decades, I’ve been searching for the perfect early morning pick-me-up rap song to cause me to feel like a champion til well after the sun sets. Drinking Chivas Regal at 7 am just doesn’t have the same bling to it (kill me) when it’s set to “Jagged Little Pill.”

So thank you, Superbowl XLIV, for giving us the following mash-up, which will serve as a nice replacement to our former Prince-Akeemesque live chamber orchestra alarm clock. It’s Jay-Z & Rihanna meets the CBS NFL theme song (performed by the delicious sounding Posthumus Zone.) It makes me want to make a floor-length fur out of the Puppy Bowlers (separate show, about puppies bowling), and march up and down these city streets for hours on end.

This is how I will begin every morning. For your own sanity, I suggest you do the same.

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1. All Honda ads should all begin with the disclaimer “Please Flip to the Puppy Bowl for 30 Seconds”

2. As much as we all love to rip on him, Brett Favre isn’t the only player capable of throwing crippling fourth-quarter interceptions.

3. Married men live a castrated, ghostlike existence of torturous apathy, but at least they have Dodge Chargers / Budweiser / Last Airbender trailers!!!

4. Sean Payton’s testicles boast a circumference five times that of the normal man’s.

5. I incorrectly predicted the outcome of the game, was way off on the score, called the wrong MVP, and generally nothing that I said would happen happened.

6. I was 3-for-4 on The Who’s setlist, so we’ll call my day of predicting a wash.

7. We shouldn’t hold lengthy debates about pro-life commercials until they actually air (my bad). Frankly, I’m now a lot more concerned with Tim Tebow’s beliefs about mom-blindsiding.

8. My “Who are they!” chant didn’t catch on.

9. The NFL correctly decided to scrap their original idea for a Super Bowl MVP prize, a Cadillac with a MANNING vanity license plate featuring his and hers monogrammed MANNING towels in the backseat and a giant “Congratulations Manning!” banner sticking out of the Manningroof (a custom Manning-shaped sunroof).

10. We don’t know Sun Life Financial yet, but WE WILL, MOTHERF***ERS. Sleep with one eye open.

11. Fans and betters alike put way too much stock into the last game the Saints and Colts each played, ignoring the rest of the Saints’ season as a whole. We look forward to completely forgetting we did this and being wrong again next year.

12. CBS couldn’t find Kim Kardashian in the stands.

13. Doritos has cornered the dudes-hit-in-the-nuts demographic.

14. New Orleans is apparently totally fine now. Whew! Thank God for that interception.

15. Seriously, guys, aren’t women d*cks???

What’d you learn during Super Bowl XLIV? Leave some lessons in the comments.

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It’s the eternal debate during every Super Bowl halftime: Do I watch a legendary but aging band play a rushed setlist of abridged hits, or do I watch scared, adorable kitties paw at each other and rotating puffballs? I ended up watching the former, correctly banking on Animal Planet rerunning Puppy Bowl VI with Comedy Central Roastlike frequency.

That Who’s stage was pretty awesome, but in terms of adorableness (the only important halftime show trait) the kitties take this one for the sixth straight year:

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Hey Gasmi, it’s February, and you know what that means. The weather stinks, and you’re broke from trying to buy your loved ones’ affections over the holidays, all of which means it’s time to start spending some serious time with the glass teat. Now we all have our favorite poisons when it comes to rotting our brains out, but for this particular waffleboy, you can never go wrong with a good solid crap movie that some programmer is playing over and over on le tube de boob. Today’s movie has everything you need when looking for craptastic goodness, plenty of explosions, plenty of fisticuffs, HBO’s been running it on a 20 minute loop lately, and just to make everyone feel way uncomfortable, Billy Crudup’s amazing colossal blue CGI schlong. Yep, I’m talking about the 2009 release, Watchmen. So come on, times a wasting, make the jump and lets get to the good stuff.

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Here’s the TV lineup for tonight (all times Eastern).

• At 8, ABC has a new, two-hour episode of ‘The Bachelor,’ followed by a new ‘Castle.’
• CBS has a new ‘How I Met Your Mother’ at 8, then new episodes of ‘Accidentally on Purpose,’ ‘Two and a Half Men,’ ‘Big Bang Theory,’ and ‘CSI: Miami.’
• NBC has a new ‘Chuck’ at 8, followed by the season finale of ‘Heroes’ and a new ‘Jay Leno Show.’
• FOX has new episodes of ‘House’ and ‘24.’
• The CW has a new ‘One Tree Hill’ at 8, then a new ‘Life Unexpected.’
• PBS has a new ‘Antiques Roadshow’ at 8, followed by a new ‘American Experience.’
• ABC Family has a new ‘Secret Life of the American Teenager’ at 8, then new episodes of ‘Make It or Break It’ and ‘Greek.’
• At 9, USA has a new ‘Monday Night RAW.’
• History Channel has a new ‘American Pickers’ at 9, followed by two new episodes of ‘Pawn Stars.’
• TLC has a new ‘Cake Boss’ at 9.
• At 10, FX has a new ‘Damages.’
• Showtime has a new ‘Secret Diary of a Call Girl’ at 10, then new episodes of ‘Tracey Ullman’s State of the Union’ and ‘La La Land.’
• Food Network has a new ‘Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives’ at 10.
• TLC has a new ‘Ultimate Cake-Off’ at 10.
• A&E has a new ‘Hoarders’ at 10.
• Also at 10: Travel Channel has a new ‘Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.’

Check your local TV listings for more.

After the jump, the late night talk shows.

Continue reading What’s On Tonight: ‘Heroes,’ ‘Life Unexpected,’ ‘Damages,’ ‘Hoarders’

Filed under: Late Night, Programming, Celebrities, Talk Show, What To Watch Tonight, Reality-Free

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If you’ve seen the by-now-infamous David Letterman/Oprah Winfrey/Jay Leno Super Bowl promo, then you are probably left with a lot of unanswered questions. “Were they really in the same room together?” “Did this happen before the Second Late Night Wars started?” “What about Conan?”

Well, the answer to the first two questions can be found in this New York Times article on the spot, which was shot last Tuesday. The short answer: Letterman just thought it would be funny. What would have been even funnier though, is if there had been four people on the couch. Because if there’s anything more awkward than Leno and Letterman in a promo together, it would be throwing Conan into the mix. It turns out, that was exactly Letterman’s original plan.

Continue reading Letterman Wanted Conan for Super Bowl Promo

Filed under: Late Night, Industry, Watercooler Talk, Celebrities, Reality-Free

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It’s great to see A&E getting into more scripted shows and not just concentrating on reality shows and documentaries. But they’re not just taking everything. This week they’re passing on one drama but going ahead with another one.

The drama ‘Sugarloaf’ has been given the green light. It’s about a Chicago cop who gets accused of something he didn’t do so he decides to move to a small Florida town and become an officer there.

The drama the network passed on? ‘The Quickening.’ No, it wasn’t another version of ‘Highlander,’ it was actually about a homicide detective who is bipolar. Sounds a bit like ‘Monk’ only maybe a little bit more serious? Anyway, we probably won’t be seeing that one.

Like a lot of people who live in New England, every single time I hear the name ‘Sugarloaf’ I’m going to think of a cold ski resort, not a warm small town in Florida.

Filed under: Other Drama Shows, Programming, Reality-Free

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What is going on with Jack Bauer? Have you been watching ‘24′ this season, the first time set in New York City? There were high expectations that this might be the best season yet for ‘24′ because we’d be seeing a lean, mean, older Jack who has been through the wringer and knows all the tricks and turns of the business. Comparisons were made to Jason Bourne, but with the Bauer edge.

Unfortunately, we’re not seeing the vim and vigor of ‘The Bourne Identity’ or any of the other Bourne pictures. We’re not even seeing the quality of ‘24′ from seasons past. Instead, ‘24′ has turned into something else entirely — an empty shell of its former self. It’s time to call it a day for ‘24.’ The show has definitely jumped the you-know-what.

Continue reading Six Reasons Why ‘24′ Has Jumped the You-Know-What

Filed under: 24, Ratings, TV Squad Lists, Emmys, Reality-Free

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The Super Bowl had no shortage of clever ads. Some of the most surprising were the ads for CBS shows, particularly ‘The Late Show with David Letterman’. However, there was also an ad starring Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson, his character from ‘How I Met Your Mother’.

Using an ad campaign that can be ironically described as cerebral and abstract, the ad had Barney in the crowd of the Super Bowl showing a sign with an 877 number and telling the ladies to call him. Supposedly there will be a follow-up to this situation on the next episode.

Continue reading Call Barney Stinson!

Filed under: Programming, OpEd, How I Met Your Mother, Celebrities, Reality-Free

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